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The World According to Trump


Part 1. The Conspiracy

October, 2019

Scene: A secret house in Wuhan, China.

In attendance: Chinese President Xi. Hillary Clinton. George Soros. Dr. Anthony Fauci. Dr. Ma Xiaowei, Chinese Minister of Health, and various translators.

President Xi: I welcome everyone to our secret meeting, to develop a plan to overthrow U.S. President Donald Trump.

[All]: Thank you, President Xi.

President Xi: I will turn the floor over to Dr. Xiaowei.

Dr. Xiaowei: Thank you, President Xi. Ladies and gentlemen. We have developed in our laboratory here in Wuhan a brand new virus, capable of causing a pandemic.

Dr. Fauci: I thought as much!

Hillary Clinton: Dr. Xiaowei, how will this new virus help us in our goal of getting rid of Trump?

Dr. Xiaowei: I am glad you asked. For the answer, I turn the floor over to Mr. Soros, who has financed our effort.

George Soros: Thank you Dr. Xiaowei. We have carefully analyzed this situation, and—

Hillary Clinton: –Who is “we”, George?

George Soros: Well, in addition to myself, there’s the Obamas, Jeff Bezos, Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez, Bernie Sanders, Cher, Bill Gates, George Clooney, Steve Heimoff, David Hogg, Antifa of course, and–

President Xi: –In other words, the entire left wing power structure of the U.S.

George Soros: Well, Oprah didn’t want to get involved. But pretty much, yeah. And our conclusion is that, if we can spread an incurable virus in America prior to the election next November, we can turn public opinion against Trump, and he’ll lose.

Hillary Clinton: Diabolically clever.

George Soros: I didn’t make $100 billion by being dumb.

Dr. Fauci: But tell me, Dr. Xiaowei, how did you manufacture this virus? What sort of virus is it? How do you propose to unleash it in America? How will you prevent it from spreading to your own people, much less the entire world? How many people will it kill?

Dr. Xiaowei: You ask many questions, Comrade Fauci. It is a coronavirus.

Dr. Fauci: I love it. Aerosol spread. Impossible to contain. No cure. Looks menacing on T.V. But aren’t you afraid it will contaminate your own people?

Dr. Xiaowei: No. The strain we developed isn’t particularly lethal. It’s no more serious than the average flu.

Hillary Clinton: Then how will it contribute to Trump losing the election?

George Soros: This is where Dr. Fauci comes in. With his credibility, he can convince the American public to shut down the entire economy. He’ll scare the kreplach out of them. As the economy tanks, we’re pretty sure Trump will downplay the virus and tell people not to worry. But Dr. Fauci will keep up his fake warnings, which will be amplified by the useful idiots of the media. Then the American people will blame Trump for the virus, and they’ll vote him out of office.

Dr. Fauci: It’s a great plan. I can do that.

Hillary Clinton: Count me in!

President Xi: Then we’re all in agreement?

[All nod]

President Xi: Excellent. Dr. Fauci, Dr. Xiaowei will give you a vial containing trillions of germs of the new virus. It shall be your responsibility to spread it across America.

Dr. Fauci: Excellent! I’m already thinking where to start: New York City.

Hillary Clinton: The media capital of the world!

President Xi: Well, we consider Beijing the world’s media capital.

Hillary Clinton: Except that your media is state-run.

President Xi: As if yours isn’t? What do you call Fox News?

George Soros: Secretary Clinton, President Xi, please! Can we get back to the secret plan?

Dr. Fauci: After New York, I’ll bring it to Seattle. There’s a public market near the Space Needle that tourists go to. The virus will spread like wildfire. Between Seattle and New York, it will vector out to the rest of the country in [takes out his calculator and starts punching numbers] 28.5 days.

George Soros: In other words, by mid-November.

Dr. Xiaowei: I’d give it a little longer. These things never develop the way you expect them to.

Dr. Fauci: Okay, mid-December. By the end of January, beginning of February, I’ll be able to create genuine panic across America.

George Soros: Fauci, you’re the original Doctor Evil!

Dr. Fauci: I thank you, good sir.

Hillary Clinton: The Democratic National Committee and our friends in the media can help. I know I can count on Rachel.

Dr. Xiaowei: Oh, are you close to Rachel Maddow? I love her!

President Xi: And the next thing you know, it will be November, 2020, and your presidential election.

Dr. Fauci: And [punches more numbers into his computer] about 400,000 dead Americans.

President Xi: You can’t make egg foo young without breaking a few eggs.

[All laugh]

President Xi: All right. Thanks, comrades! Meeting adjourned.

Why are the super-rich so opposed to taxes?


How much money does anyone need, anyhow? I used to work for a very wealthy family. They spent money like it was water. Their wealth was unfathomable, yet they still resented what few dollars they paid. During the 2016 Republican primary season they were inclined to support Ted Cruz—yes, that Ted Cruz, the most disreputable man in Washington now that Trump has left town. Cruz, they figured, would lower their taxes so that they could buy more mansions, planes, baubles.

Now we have President Biden, who is promising “to reward work, not just wealth,” by raising the tax on capital gains and on giant corporations.

Imagine that, rewarding work, not wealth!

Republicans, predictably, are bitterly opposed. Most Republican congressmen are not rich, but they hope to be, which is why they carry water for their billionaire corporate paymasters, who they assume will someday reward them when, having been tossed out of office in a Democratic wave, they can then land a cushy job in P.R. or on some do-nothing Board. Perhaps that is the vision of Rep. Kevin Brady, the Republican from Texas’s 8th Congressional District. “Another economic blunder by the Biden administration,” Brady thundered about the President’s tax plans. “It punishes investment in local businesses,” he added.

Brady knows something about “local businesses.” One of the nation’s largest oil companies, Anadarko Petroleum (acquired by Occidental Petroleum in 2019) is headquartered in Brady’s District, and—surprise!—Anadarko has been one of Brady’s top campaign contributors.

Well, it would be fun to spend a couple weeks tracing the nefarious connections between rightwing Republicans and the secret money they feed on. I’ll leave that to Jane Mayer. Meanwhile, all of this begs the question of why Republican voters—the little guys, the working stiffs—are so opposed to raising taxes on the rich.

I mean, it’s not like poor Republicans have any love of billionaires. I think we all resent the .01 percent, maybe not personally, but in terms of the way they consistently rake off the national wealth for themselves, and then buy Republican politicians to help them keep the scam going. I imagine some Appalachian dirt farmer in Kentucky, who can barely afford to repair his car or put food on the table for his family—the kind of person showcased in the book and movie, Hillbilly Elegy.

This man is dignified, unashamed of his calloused hands, proud of his roots, and damned if he’ll beg for help from anyone, especially “the gummint.” He’s a devout Christian (even if he doesn’t always live his life in a Christian way), and he thinks most city dwellers are more or less perverted, if they’re not actual Communists and terrorist sympathizers. He has little more than a grade school education, but he doesn’t trust elite college graduates anyway; what do they know of his life? His granddaddy may have voted Democrat back in the day, but he, himself, is a solid Republican, a Rand Paul and Mitch McConnell guy. And because they tell him that taxing billionaires will make him even poorer than he already is, he’s against taxing billionaires. Does our poor Kentucky dirt farmer ever sit down and think things through, like why raising Charles Koch’s taxes would hurt him? Koch is worth $63 billion-with-a-“b,” and his dark money may be the single most potent force in the American anti-tax movement. The answer is, it’s most unlikely our farming friend ever puts his mind through such mental contortions. He’s not inclined to critical thinking, and besides, he trusts good ole Mitch and good ole Rand, and that’s all there is to it. Doesn’t the Greatest Christian of modern times, Trump, say the same thing? “I hope they don’t raise your taxes, but if they do I told you so,” he warned his fans in his so-called “farewell address” on Jan. 20, just two weeks after fomenting insurrection. Of course, by “they” he meant Biden’s Democrats, and when he predicted “they” would raise “your” taxes he did not explain that Biden has no intent of raising taxes on “them,” the little people, but only on the superrich. However, this truth was concealed from Republican voters (who, watching Fox “News,” didn’t even know what Biden was proposing), and our farming friend in Kentucky was given more reason than ever to remain a Republican. “I’m a poor man,” he said to his friends at the local honky-tonk, where a few nights a week he can escape his crushing existence. “I can’t afford to pay no more taxes.” Fist bumps and clanging beer mugs around the bar! Toasts to “President Trump, who won the election.” Somebody says “Hang Pence” The band swings into Dixie. A man drapes himself in a Confederate flag and, brandishing a Glock 19, screams, “From my cold dead hands!” A woman, drunk and reeling, begins singing “God bless President Trump.” Our poor dirt farmer, among his people, is happy.

News from the future: the Republican majority


March, 19, 2025 – Washington, D.C.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, R-KY, says he will introduce legislation to revoke the right of same-sex Americans to marry, a move that would echo the recent House of Representatives vote to take that right away from gay people.

McConnell made his remarks at a meeting of American Christian Women for President Trump, a conservative group led by Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA). McConnell also hinted that he is prepared to reinstate laws prohibiting gays and transgendered people from serving in the U.S. military.

“Sooner or later, we Republicans have to steer our great country back onto the high road of morality and decency,” McConnell said. “And now that we have the presidency as well as big majorities in both Houses of Congress, we’re going to do just that. These alphabet people better look out.”

In the November, 2024 elections, Republicans regained control of the Senate when they won 8 seats, while in the House, a Republican gain of 42 seats gave them their first majority since 2017. That election also brought President Donald Trump back into the White House, giving Republicans near-total control of the government.

LGBTQ leaders reacted to McConnell’s remarks with distress. “This represents a crushing blow to 20 million LGBTQ Americans,” said former internationally-acclaimed wine critic Steve Heimoff. “We will be bringing our grievances into the streets.”

President Trump, reached on his golf course in Bedminster, NJ, praised his party’s efforts to restrict marriage to opposite sexes. “Everybody knows there’s never been a more family-values president than me,” he said. “I’m proud of the Republicans for being pro-family, pro-America and anti-Antifa.” Trump added that he will push for a Constitutional amendment banning same-sex couples from adopting children. “God meant for our precious babies to be brought up by straight people, not perverts,” he said.

In other news, House Speaker Kevin McCarthy said his caucus will introduce legislation to defund all U.S. government underwriting of alternative-fuels, including wind, solar and hydroelectric. “America was founded on coal and oil, and that’s where we’re staying.” He called global warming “a Democrat hoax” and accused Democrats of “selling our birthright to terrorists and rapists.” McCarthy said other GOP priorities include quitting the Paris Climate Accords, which former President Biden rejoined in 2021, and leaving the World Health Organization, which he called “a front for socialist cancel culture.”

Republicans were overjoyed by McConnell’s anti-LGBTQ remarks. “Finally, America has been returned by Almighty God to true spiritual leadership,” said the Rev. Franklin Graham. Sen Ted Cruz (R-TX) said that Christians could be proud of the job President Trump is doing. “As everybody knows, President Trump is one of the great Christian leaders, possibly the greatest since Jesus Christ himself. Frankly, I doubt that anyone else has the will power and strength to resist the incursion of the Democrat, Satan, on our country.”

Polls suggest that Americans on the whole continue to support gay marriage, although that support appears to be slipping since the November elections. The Gallup Organization reported that 54% of Americans are in favor of gay marriage, down from 61% last October. Support among Republicans is only 4%, while Democrats support gay marriage by 76% to 24% opposed.

Taylor Greene meanwhile announced that her House Christian-White Caucus is working on legislation to restore all Confederate names and statues in places where they have been removed. “I ask you why in God’s name Stonewall Jackson should not have an honored place in the State Capitols of America,” she said. “Just because he owned slaves doesn’t make him a bad person.” She confirmed reports that she is working on obtaining funding from private sources to have Donald Trump’s visage added to the Mount Rushmore National Memorial. “In my opinion and that of most decent Americans, President Trump was a greater president than any of them. He deserves to be honored and adored.”

In related news, the former Joint Committee to Investigate the Causes of the Jan. 6 Insurrection, which began under former Speaker Nancy Pelosi, has changed its name to the Joint Committee to Celebrate the Jan. 6 Freedom Festival. Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL) introduced legislation to make Jan. 6 a national holiday. “We ought to recognize the specialness of this date, which is comparable to July 4 in the history of America,” he said in a statement. President Trump’s Attorney-General, Ron DeSantis, said that all persons convicted of participating in the Jan. 6, 2020 event will be issued pardons. “These patriots need to have their names cleared forever,” he announced, adding, “The true insurrectionists is [sic] the Antifa-gay-terrorist-atheist cult of pedophiles and baby murderers who follow Hillary Clinton. We will find them whatever rock they try to hide under.” The Associated Press reported that thousands of new holding cells are being erected at the U.S. base in Guantanamo, Cuba, apparently in anticipation of an infusion of political prisoners from the U.S. They added that voter registration records “are being examined in 40 States” and that registered Democrats “will be required to identify themselves before special Tribunals appointed by Republican elected officials.”

Asked whether this constitutes “a crackdown” on Democrats, Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY) replied that “It is not a crackdown because, well, it’s not if we say it isn’t.” He said that, while being a Democrat “is not necessarily a crime, it is unnatural, and we Republicans were elected to reject this sick form of racial and ethnic interposition and nullification in the words of our great President Trump.” Paul said that special Republican “Decency Squads” are being organized across the country to ensure compliance with “Republican-Christian values” and that President Trump’s daughter, Ivanka, a noted fashion designer, is designing uniforms for its members, who are expected to number at least 100,000. Asked what kinds of designs she has in mind, Ms. Trump said, “In all honesty, I haven’t got that far, but I do like the cut of those Waffen-S.S. Panzer uniforms. They’re kind of sexy, don’t you think?”

President Trump’s schedule for this week includes more golf at Bedminster. He is set to speak at a Wednesday rally of the Ku Klux Klan in Birmingham AL, and at the First Annual QAnon Qonvention, held at Trump’s Mar-a-Lago Resort, on Friday. Entertainment at the event, the White House announced, will be provided by rocker Ted Nugent, actor Jon Voight and football star Tom Brady. The newly-formed Trump Boys & Girls Choir will sing their own special rendition of “The Horst Wessel Song.”

An interview with Sarah Huckabee Sanders


Former president Donald Trump endorsed his former press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, at his Mar-a-Lago resort last Friday. Sanders has announced that she is running for the Republican nomination for Governor in her home state of Arkansas.

Sanders told how she managed to get her ex-boss’s endorsement. “It was simple, really. I sent him a dozen buckets of Kentucky Fried Chicken via Caviar, and that night, he called me and personally invited me to come to Mar-a-Lago.”

Once in the mansion, Sanders explained, she and Trump sat together over more food and reminisced about their time in the White House. “President Trump had finished all the chicken by then,” Sanders said, “but he had his Secret Service agent go to McDonald’s and get four dozen Big Macs with fries and Coke. And as we dug into those, the President gave me advice on how to run my campaign.” Sanders declined to say what specific advice Trump gave her.

She returned the following morning for breakfast. “President Trump had the table in his breakfast nook set out with a huge, elaborate display of a fountain of gravy splashing down onto a bed of biscuits, sausages and ham. Over breakfast, we both enjoyed a laugh over all the times when I lied to the press and got away with it.”

After breakfast, Sanders revealed, she and President Trump began planning their lunch. “The President enjoys food very much, as do I. I was raised in a Southern household, of course, where we had Negro servants who were very good cooks. And the President was raised in a household in which German food was prepared by his father’s chef, who had worked for Mr. Hitler during the war. So both of us lived a very rich life, in terms of food.”

President Trump inviting Sarah Huckabee Sanders to their third lunch of the day

Asked what lunch consisted of, Sanders laughed and said, “What did it not consist of? I swear, there was enough food for an army!” More biscuits and gravy. Honey-baked ham (“one of the President’s favorite snacks”). Grilled-cheese sandwiches deep-fried in chicken fat. Arby’s fries (“a particular obsession of mine”). And for dessert, Oreo Shakes from Burger King. “The President then asked if I wanted to weigh myself on his special red, white and blue scale, in the Weight Room. Well, I was a little shocked to be up to 290 pounds, which is about 20 pounds heavier than I’ve ever been. The President, who clocked in at 310, told me that I would need my energy if I was going to run a campaign, so he suggested that we have another little snack. And he had his butler bring out the most delicious thing I’ve ever had, which the President said he had invented himself. You take corn dogs, mash them into a mushy paste, then blend with two sticks of softened butter, and chill for half an hour. Then you bury them in a baking dish of peanut butter and milk chocolate and bake for 15 minutes at 350 degrees. Remove from the oven, lavish generously with whipped cream, and garnish with chopped bacon and fried onion rings. Mmm, so tasty! I told the President it was his greatest achievement since building the Mexican wall.”

At that point, Sanders recalled, the President’s close friend and advisor, Steve Bannon, joined them.

Bannon “bursting with pride” at being invited to Mar-a-Lago

“He said he was hungry as a horse, and the President asked him what he would like to eat. Mr. Bannon said it was a while since he’d had a good sirloin steak wrapped in pork belly, so the President called for his servants, and the next thing you know, we’re sitting around the pool, enjoying another feast. Mr. Bannon said how good he felt now that he was up to 320 pounds, at which President Trump said he’d be damned if he let Mr. Bannon be fatter than he was. So President Trump ordered 5 dozen glazed donuts and he ate them all without offering any to us. After that, he weighed himself, and it was 322 pounds. ‘Hah, you son of a bitch,’ he taunted Mr. Bannon. ‘I’m fatter than you!’ And Mr. Bannon replied, ‘Not for long,” as he opened his rucksack to reveal 20 salamis, which he proceeded to inhale.”

At the conclusion of my interview with Ms. Sanders, I wished her good luck in her Arkansas campaign. “Thank y’all, honey,” she said, adding, “By the way, do you have anything to eat?”

A Secure Telephone Conference Call Between Trump and Three Governors—Intercepted!


( managed to get this transcript of the call. I can’t reveal my sources. This explosive conversation took place last Wednesday.)

Present: Donald J. Trump, Gov. Ron DeSantis (Florida), Gov. Brian Kemp (Georgia), Gov. Doug Ducey (Arizona), Stephen Miller

Operator: Good morning, Governors. Please stand by for President Trump.

(crackling and crunching sounds)

Trump: You guys there?

All: Here, Mister President.

Trump: Sorry to keep you waiting. I had to finish my KFC bucket before Bannon got it. Hey, DooDooRonRon, how ya’ doin’?

DeSantis: Very well, Mister President.

Trump: Brian, Brian, don’t be cryin’, too bad about the lyin’ All-Star Game. We’re gonna take down MLB, just you wait and see. Believe me, those liberal bastards won’t know what hit them.

Kemp: I believe you, Mister President.

Trump: Loosey Goosey Governor Ducey, how’s that grip?

Ducey: Working on it, Mister President. Got a new 8-iron with a titanium shaft and—

Trump: Don’t care. Look, Governors, I want to acknowledge your work in voter suppression. Very good! But it’s not enough. The enemy will still figure out ways to get around it, and, as you know, full voter turnout will mean that no Republican ever gets elected president again. We don’t want that, do we?

All: No, Mister President.

Trump: So you’re probably wondering what we’re gonna do about it. Well, let me bring in my point man on voting–my Immigration guru, and your favorite QAnon personality, Mister Stephen Miller! Steve, take it.

Miller: Thank you, Mister President. Good morning, Governors. Now, I’ve been thinking a lot about this. We were so close to victory in 2020, and even closer on Jan. 6, but these goddamned Antifa radicals stole the election by some very dubious, illegal means, supported by the lying lamestream media. So we have to combat them. Now, the President and me appreciate what y’all have done in your states, but it’s obvious we have to do more. Problem is, we’ve probably achieved as much as we can through legislative means, so we’re gonna have to go into extra-legislative, or you might say extra-judicial means, in order to win in 2022.

All: Sounds good.

Miller: Uh, now what I say here has to stay here. Understood?

All: Understood, sir.

Miller: Because this is a matter of the greatest sensitivity, and we have to—

Trump: Oh, shut up, Miller. Look, Governors, we’re going to stop colored people from voting. A “final solution” to the problem. If we don’t, they’re gonna find ways around all your voter suppression laws, because radical Muslims like that awful Stacey Abrams or Stacey “Antifa” as I call her are gonna help them do it, with hundreds of millions of dollars supplied by crazy Jewish billionaires like George Soros and Bloomberg. So we have to play hardball. I’ve been getting you guys ready for hardball for years, haven’t I?

All: Yes, Mister President.

Trump: If there’s one thing I’ve taught you, it’s that there’s no room for sympathy, or softness, or compassion. You gotta man up! We have got to employ the most brutal means in order to Make America Great Again. Miller, take it back.

Miller: Thank you, Mister President. So, Governors, we’ve been working on, uh, chemical means of eliminating colored people from voting, and the most promising was developed by our good friend, the brilliant doctor, Scott Atlas. He’s invented something called Carcino-Melano, or CM for short. It’s a DNA-based substance that turns the melanin molecule into a protein capable of passing through the blood-brain barrier and immobilizing the cerebral cortex. Now, the reason this is important is because—

Trump: Oh, shut up, Miller. Look, Governors, do I have to paint you a picture? Who has melanin?

(The three Governors are silent)

Kemp: Uh, just a guess…colored people?

Trump: There’s intelligent life in Georgia! Precisely. Dr. Atlas figured out that, if you can turn melanin into a brain fog agent, we can solve the voting problem from within instead of from without.

Miller: It’s exactly what the President says. We can ensure that colored people are too stoned to vote.

(Gasps all around)

Ducey: Brilliant!

DeSantis: Incredible!

Kemp: Praise Jesus!

Trump: Keep going, Miller.

Miller: Thank you, Mister President. So, Governors, here’s the plan. We’re going to manufacture Carcino-Melano in huge quantities at our Fort Detrick biowarfare facility in Maryland. Then we’ll supply you with enough doses for all the colored people in your state. All you have to do is dump the CM into your reservoirs a few days before Election Day. It will have a minimal impact on white people—a little diarrhea, at worst. But it will absolutely prevent colored people from being able to vote. Dr. Atlas actually tested it during the recent Nigerian elections and it had a success rate of 90%.

Trump: If no colored people vote, no Democrats win! This is huge, Governors! So who’s in?

All: We’re all in!

Trump: Excellent. Very good. I’m proud of you patriots. Now, not a word of this to anyone, right? This convo never happened. If you have any questions about anything, your cut-out is Sarah Huckabee Sanders. I’ll get you her number. All right, Governors, gotta go! Playin’ golf with my favorite guy, Mike Lindell. By the way, he’s offering each of you a 20% discount on any order at MyPillow.

Operator: Gentlemen, this concludes this conference call with President Trump. Have a nice day.

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