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The World According to Trump


Part 1. The Conspiracy

October, 2019

Scene: A secret house in Wuhan, China.

In attendance: Chinese President Xi. Hillary Clinton. George Soros. Dr. Anthony Fauci. Dr. Ma Xiaowei, Chinese Minister of Health, and various translators.

President Xi: I welcome everyone to our secret meeting, to develop a plan to overthrow U.S. President Donald Trump.

[All]: Thank you, President Xi.

President Xi: I will turn the floor over to Dr. Xiaowei.

Dr. Xiaowei: Thank you, President Xi. Ladies and gentlemen. We have developed in our laboratory here in Wuhan a brand new virus, capable of causing a pandemic.

Dr. Fauci: I thought as much!

Hillary Clinton: Dr. Xiaowei, how will this new virus help us in our goal of getting rid of Trump?

Dr. Xiaowei: I am glad you asked. For the answer, I turn the floor over to Mr. Soros, who has financed our effort.

George Soros: Thank you Dr. Xiaowei. We have carefully analyzed this situation, and—

Hillary Clinton: –Who is “we”, George?

George Soros: Well, in addition to myself, there’s the Obamas, Jeff Bezos, Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez, Bernie Sanders, Cher, Bill Gates, George Clooney, Steve Heimoff, David Hogg, Antifa of course, and–

President Xi: –In other words, the entire left wing power structure of the U.S.

George Soros: Well, Oprah didn’t want to get involved. But pretty much, yeah. And our conclusion is that, if we can spread an incurable virus in America prior to the election next November, we can turn public opinion against Trump, and he’ll lose.

Hillary Clinton: Diabolically clever.

George Soros: I didn’t make $100 billion by being dumb.

Dr. Fauci: But tell me, Dr. Xiaowei, how did you manufacture this virus? What sort of virus is it? How do you propose to unleash it in America? How will you prevent it from spreading to your own people, much less the entire world? How many people will it kill?

Dr. Xiaowei: You ask many questions, Comrade Fauci. It is a coronavirus.

Dr. Fauci: I love it. Aerosol spread. Impossible to contain. No cure. Looks menacing on T.V. But aren’t you afraid it will contaminate your own people?

Dr. Xiaowei: No. The strain we developed isn’t particularly lethal. It’s no more serious than the average flu.

Hillary Clinton: Then how will it contribute to Trump losing the election?

George Soros: This is where Dr. Fauci comes in. With his credibility, he can convince the American public to shut down the entire economy. He’ll scare the kreplach out of them. As the economy tanks, we’re pretty sure Trump will downplay the virus and tell people not to worry. But Dr. Fauci will keep up his fake warnings, which will be amplified by the useful idiots of the media. Then the American people will blame Trump for the virus, and they’ll vote him out of office.

Dr. Fauci: It’s a great plan. I can do that.

Hillary Clinton: Count me in!

President Xi: Then we’re all in agreement?

[All nod]

President Xi: Excellent. Dr. Fauci, Dr. Xiaowei will give you a vial containing trillions of germs of the new virus. It shall be your responsibility to spread it across America.

Dr. Fauci: Excellent! I’m already thinking where to start: New York City.

Hillary Clinton: The media capital of the world!

President Xi: Well, we consider Beijing the world’s media capital.

Hillary Clinton: Except that your media is state-run.

President Xi: As if yours isn’t? What do you call Fox News?

George Soros: Secretary Clinton, President Xi, please! Can we get back to the secret plan?

Dr. Fauci: After New York, I’ll bring it to Seattle. There’s a public market near the Space Needle that tourists go to. The virus will spread like wildfire. Between Seattle and New York, it will vector out to the rest of the country in [takes out his calculator and starts punching numbers] 28.5 days.

George Soros: In other words, by mid-November.

Dr. Xiaowei: I’d give it a little longer. These things never develop the way you expect them to.

Dr. Fauci: Okay, mid-December. By the end of January, beginning of February, I’ll be able to create genuine panic across America.

George Soros: Fauci, you’re the original Doctor Evil!

Dr. Fauci: I thank you, good sir.

Hillary Clinton: The Democratic National Committee and our friends in the media can help. I know I can count on Rachel.

Dr. Xiaowei: Oh, are you close to Rachel Maddow? I love her!

President Xi: And the next thing you know, it will be November, 2020, and your presidential election.

Dr. Fauci: And [punches more numbers into his computer] about 400,000 dead Americans.

President Xi: You can’t make egg foo young without breaking a few eggs.

[All laugh]

President Xi: All right. Thanks, comrades! Meeting adjourned.

  1. Bob Rossi says:

    Brilliant! But I’m worried that right-wing media will pick this up and think it’s real.

  2. It’s marked “comedy-satire.” On the other hand, trumpers don’t know how to read.

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