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An interview with Sarah Huckabee Sanders

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Former president Donald Trump endorsed his former press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, at his Mar-a-Lago resort last Friday. Sanders has announced that she is running for the Republican nomination for Governor in her home state of Arkansas.

Sanders told steveheimoff.com how she managed to get her ex-boss’s endorsement. “It was simple, really. I sent him a dozen buckets of Kentucky Fried Chicken via Caviar, and that night, he called me and personally invited me to come to Mar-a-Lago.”

Once in the mansion, Sanders explained, she and Trump sat together over more food and reminisced about their time in the White House. “President Trump had finished all the chicken by then,” Sanders said, “but he had his Secret Service agent go to McDonald’s and get four dozen Big Macs with fries and Coke. And as we dug into those, the President gave me advice on how to run my campaign.” Sanders declined to say what specific advice Trump gave her.

She returned the following morning for breakfast. “President Trump had the table in his breakfast nook set out with a huge, elaborate display of a fountain of gravy splashing down onto a bed of biscuits, sausages and ham. Over breakfast, we both enjoyed a laugh over all the times when I lied to the press and got away with it.”

After breakfast, Sanders revealed, she and President Trump began planning their lunch. “The President enjoys food very much, as do I. I was raised in a Southern household, of course, where we had Negro servants who were very good cooks. And the President was raised in a household in which German food was prepared by his father’s chef, who had worked for Mr. Hitler during the war. So both of us lived a very rich life, in terms of food.”

President Trump inviting Sarah Huckabee Sanders to their third lunch of the day

Asked what lunch consisted of, Sanders laughed and said, “What did it not consist of? I swear, there was enough food for an army!” More biscuits and gravy. Honey-baked ham (“one of the President’s favorite snacks”). Grilled-cheese sandwiches deep-fried in chicken fat. Arby’s fries (“a particular obsession of mine”). And for dessert, Oreo Shakes from Burger King. “The President then asked if I wanted to weigh myself on his special red, white and blue scale, in the Weight Room. Well, I was a little shocked to be up to 290 pounds, which is about 20 pounds heavier than I’ve ever been. The President, who clocked in at 310, told me that I would need my energy if I was going to run a campaign, so he suggested that we have another little snack. And he had his butler bring out the most delicious thing I’ve ever had, which the President said he had invented himself. You take corn dogs, mash them into a mushy paste, then blend with two sticks of softened butter, and chill for half an hour. Then you bury them in a baking dish of peanut butter and milk chocolate and bake for 15 minutes at 350 degrees. Remove from the oven, lavish generously with whipped cream, and garnish with chopped bacon and fried onion rings. Mmm, so tasty! I told the President it was his greatest achievement since building the Mexican wall.”

At that point, Sanders recalled, the President’s close friend and advisor, Steve Bannon, joined them.

Bannon “bursting with pride” at being invited to Mar-a-Lago

“He said he was hungry as a horse, and the President asked him what he would like to eat. Mr. Bannon said it was a while since he’d had a good sirloin steak wrapped in pork belly, so the President called for his servants, and the next thing you know, we’re sitting around the pool, enjoying another feast. Mr. Bannon said how good he felt now that he was up to 320 pounds, at which President Trump said he’d be damned if he let Mr. Bannon be fatter than he was. So President Trump ordered 5 dozen glazed donuts and he ate them all without offering any to us. After that, he weighed himself, and it was 322 pounds. ‘Hah, you son of a bitch,’ he taunted Mr. Bannon. ‘I’m fatter than you!’ And Mr. Bannon replied, ‘Not for long,” as he opened his rucksack to reveal 20 salamis, which he proceeded to inhale.”

At the conclusion of my interview with Ms. Sanders, I wished her good luck in her Arkansas campaign. “Thank y’all, honey,” she said, adding, “By the way, do you have anything to eat?”

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