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An interview with Melania Trump

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I’m pleased to announce my new interview with departing First Lady Melania Trump. We met in her Sitting Room in the White House East Wing. Looking radiant in a Chanel asymmetrical chemise, shocking pink in color and decorated with aubergine crescent moons and her grandmother’s sapphire brooch, Mrs. Trump was warm and welcoming as she offered me croissants and coffee. I began by asking her if she’ll miss living in the White House.

MT: Why would you ask that, darling?

SH: Well, because your husband was defeated for re-election, so you’re going to have to move out by Jan. 20.

MT: Oh, don’t believe the rumors. My husband was re-elected in a landslide. We have no plans to leave the White House. You really need to stop listening to fake news.

SH: So you believe he won?

MT: Of course! Ask the lawyers. Ask Rudy—he’ll tell you. And Kayleigh. Don’t you just love her? I call her the nice Kellyanne Conway. Would you like a petit-four?

SH: No, thank you. I’d like to ask you about your former life in Eastern Europe. It’s often said you were an “escort” prior to marrying your husband. What did you do as an escort?

MT: I entertained wealthy businessmen and diplomats.

SH: How did you entertain them?

MT: Oh, you know, stuff.

SH: Can you explain?

MT: I’d much rather talk about my husband, and the things he has accomplished for America. He’s the best friend the Negroes have ever had, you know.

SH: Could you see yourself becoming an escort again, now that you won’t be First Lady in 56 days?

MT: Again, I don’t know what you’re talking about. My schedule as First Lady is already planned through next August. We’re giving a State Dinner at the White House on Feb. 6 for President Erdowan, of Turkey, one of my husband’s good friends. Would you like a ticket?

SH: But Mrs. Trump, on Feb. 6, the President of the United States will be Joe Biden.

MT: Who?

SH: Will you live in Mar-a-Lago, Mrs. Trump?

MT: I like Mar-a-Lago very much. I love to walk barefooted on the beach, looking for pretty seashells. I love wearing a billowy sea-skirt that blows in the breeze. Sometimes I bring my favorite Secret Service agent, ____ [name withheld], and we play behind the sea wall.

SH: Do you have any hobbies, Mrs. Trump?

MT: Oh, yes, I love puzzles of all kinds. And can openers.

SH: Do you have a favorite mammal?

MT: I love hamsters.

SH: Did you do the decorating here in your lovely Sitting Room?

MT: I did! Just like Jackie Kennedy. She’s my role model and hero for a First Lady. My sense of fashion and hers are quite similar.

SH: Who’s your most un-favorite First Lady?

MT: Oh, that awful cow, Michelle Obama. When we moved in, the White House was filled with dust and grime. I think the Obamas hate America. Of course, he wasn’t even born here. Do you know, when they lived here the White House stank. They had the most awful people coming to visit. The Oval Office smelled like sweat.

SH: Did you like Barbara Bush?

MT? Who?

SH: Were there any First Ladies you admired, besides Jackie Kennedy?

MT: Another petit-four?

SH: Many people have commented on your husbands lie’s. Does it bother you that he’s untethered to reality?

MT: Tell me a supposed lie that Donald has told.

SH: The biggest inaugural crowd. Mexicans are murderers and rapists. Obama was born in Kenya.

MT: Fake news! He never said any of those things.

SH: I’m afraid we’re going to have to end this conversation, Mrs. Trump. You’re not willing to deal with reality.

MT: It’s been very nice taking with you. Another petit four?

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