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An interview with Mike Pence

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[I was fortunate to get an interview yesterday with the Vice President, Mike Pence. It was via Zoom.]

Steve Heimoff: Mr. Vice President, can you explain why you didn’t wear a face mask when you visited the Mayo Clinic, even though they asked you to?

Michael Pence: I don’t have to worry about getting infected by the chinavirus.

SH: Why is that, sir?

MP: Because Jesus protects me.

SH: Jesus Christ?

MP: Yes, of course.

SH: Can you please explain?

MP: Sure. You see, as a born again Christian, Jesus loves me. He would never allow anything bad to happen to me.

SH: So you’ll never get sick?

MP: That’s right.

SH: From anything?

MP: Yes. Not until Jesus wants me to get sick.

SH: How do you know he doesn’t want you to get sick now from coronavirus?

MP: Chinavirus. Because He knows that my work isn’t yet completed.

SH: What is that work?

MP: To make America a Christian nation.

SH: But I thought America is a secular nation. That’s what our Constitution says.

MP: I don’t know how you interpret the Constitution, but my reading of it is that America was founded to bring about the Second Coming of Jesus Christ. And in order for that to happen, we need to be an official Christian nation.

SH: Really? George Washington, Benjamin Franklin, James Madison, Thomas Jefferson—they were Deists, but they insisted on a secular nation. That’s why the wrote the First Amendment’s Establishment Clause prohibiting the creation of an official state religion.

MP: That’s a popular misconception, as President Trump has pointed out.

SH: Mr. Vice President, how old is the Earth?

MP: Well, you want an exact age? I can’t give you one. I’m not sure anyone can.

SH: But in general, how old? More than a million years?

MP: I’m not a geologist, so I couldn’t really say.

SH: Just an estimate, sir.

MP: I’m not going to play that game, Steve.

SH: Do you believe that little Cain and Abel played with dinosaurs in the Garden of Eden?

MP: I believe that the word of the Bible is inerrant.

SH: The Bible doesn’t say anything about dinosaurs.

MP: In Revelations it speaks of the Beast. That could be T-Rex.

SH: Do you believe in evolution—that we humans are descended from the apes?

MP: I believe that God created Man is his present form.

SH: So you don’t believe in evolution?

MP: Look, you’re interested in playing word games while I’m trying to save the U.S. from the chinavirus.

SH: Do you agree with President Trump that injecting or swallowing bleach and Lysol is a way to cure the disease?

MP: The President threw out some very interesting ideas. Even Dr. Birx admitted that.

SH: Would you, personally, inject Lysol?

MP: If I got sick, I might consider it. But, of course, I’m not going to get sick, because—

SH: –Because Jesus loves you. Right. Well, onto another topic. Do you agree with President Trump that Mexicans are rapists and criminals?

MP: He never said that.

SH: Yes, he did, during the 2016 campaign.

MP: I seriously doubt that he did.

SH: It’s on tape!

MP: Do you have the tape?

SH: Not on me, but I can get it.

MP: I doubt if he said it, so if you produce a tape, it’s probably been doctored by the Democrat Party.

SH: Democratic Party. Mr. Vice President, do you believe President Trump is a Christian?

MP: He tells me he is.

SH: But he’s told 17,000 lies and counting. Why would you believe him?

MP: President Trump is a good man. A decent man. A loving father and husband.

SH: He’s a serial adulterer.

MP: That is a slander on a fine, upstanding American.

SH: He bragged about grabbing womens’ pussies. How can you, a devout Christian, defend a man like that?

MP: President Trump has said that tape was fake, and I believe him.

SH: If America were to become the kind of Christian country you want it to be, would you outlaw homosexuality?

MP: —

SH: Sir? Let me repeat the question. If America were to become the kind of Christian country you want it to be, would you outlaw homosexuality?

MP: —

SH: Sir? Are you all right? Why don’t you answer my question?

[Secret Service man] Excuse me, Mr. Vice President, we have to be going or you’ll be late for your meeting of the chinavirus task force.

MP: Well, you wouldn’t want me to be late on saving American lives, would you, Steve? [extends hand] Nice meeting you, enjoyed our little chat, you be careful now, hear?

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