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A conversation between Schumer and McConnell


McConnell: We demand that Hunter Biden testify.

Schumer: Why? He had nothing to do with this.

McConnell: Well, maybe he did, maybe he didn’t. We won’t know until we cross-examine him under oath.

Schumer: That inane reasoning could apply to everyone on earth.

McConnell: We reserve the right to call everyone on earth as witnesses.

Schumer: That’s completely psychotic. You’re just trying to distract attention from the overwhelming evidence of Trump’s crimes.

McConnell: Look! [waves shiny object up and down, back and forth]. Woo-ee! Looky here! Looky-looky.

Schumer: Won’t work, Moscow Mitch.

[Suddenly McConnell’s top aide comes running in] Leader McConnell, you have a phone call from Russia!

McConnell: Let me have that. [takes call from aide] Hello? Who is this? Vladimir? Hi, Vlad, what’s up?

Putin: We love what you are doing, Mr. Leader Mitch. Everybody in Russia love you. If you stop like USA, you come Moscow, me give you good job.

McConnell: Why, that’s darned nice of you, Vladimir.

Putin: Thank you. Please to give my regard to esteemed President Trump. Tell him pee tape safe in my hands.

McConnell: Good to know, Vladimir. Say, you couldn’t possibly send me a copy of it, could you?

Putin: Sure. Easy. On way! Dasvidanya!

McConnell: Peace out, Vladmir! [turns back to Schumer] So, you’re gonna agree to subpoena Hunter Biden, right?

Schumer: Wrong.

McConnell: Then no deal! No witnesses!

[enter Susan Collins]

Collins: Mr. Leader, I’m getting flack from my people. They’re demanding that we allow witnesses.

McConnell: Tell them we’ll bring in Hunter Biden.

Collins: Actually, Mr. Leader, they want to hear from Bolton.

McConnell: Bolton, Schmolton, who cares about that mustache?

Collins: Mainers are a fair people, Mr. Leader. They expect witnesses to be called in a trial.

McConnell: I’ve never been to Maine and I never want to go. You get a lot of snow up there, don’t you?

Collins: Yes, Mr. Leader. But about Bolton: What can I tell my people?

McConnell: Tell ‘em you have two words for them, and they ain’t “Merry Christmas.” That’s what I tell the American people!

Collins: Thank you, Mr. Leader. [exits]

[Enter Lisa Murkowski]

Murkowski: Mr. Leader, I’m getting slammed in the Alaskan press. They want witnesses to be called, beginning with Bolton. What should I tell them?

McConnell: Tell them we’ll bring in Bolton. Michael Bolton.

Murkowski: That washed-up old singer? Nobody cares about him. They want to hear from John Bolton!

McConnell? Why? All he has to offer is the truth. We don’t care about the truth. In fact, we want to cover up the truth. If I bring Michael Bolton in to sing, the liberal media will have a field day. They’ll forget all about impeachment. We’ll also get Ted Nugent in. And Marie Osmond: she can sing the Star Spangled Banner.

Murkowski: I don’t think that will satisfy Alaskans, Mr. Leader. They want to hear from real witnesses.

McConnell: Goldang it, Hunter Biden is a real witness.

[enter Jesus]

Jesus: Mitchell, Hunter Biden is irrelevant to this case. Everybody knows it. I know it. My father knows it.

McConnell: Who asked you?

Jesus: It’s my duty to weigh in.

McConnell: The Trump administration is doing fine without you, Mr. Christ. I suggest you butt out.

Jesus: All right. But don’t be surprised if, when you call me in the future, I don’t come.

McConnell: Fine by me.

[Jesus disappears. Enter Chief Justice Roberts]

Roberts: Mr. Leader, I’m inclined to allow witnesses, beginning with Mr. Bolton.

McConnell: Hunter Biden! Hunter Biden! Hunter Biden!

Roberts: Really, Mr. Leader, Hunter Biden has nothing to do with the charges brought against the president.

McConnell: Maybe I’ll bring charges against you, Mr. Loves-Gay-Marriage Justice!

Roberts: I voted my conscience.

McConnell: What does conscience have to do with it? The evangelicals hate gays.

Roberts; I’m not evangelical.

McConnell: Well, neither am I, but I do kiss their asses. After all, I have a re-election campaign coming up, and the evangelicals are big in Kentucky.

Roberts: I understand, but I don’t have to run for anything. I have a lifetime appointment.

Schumer: Mitch, I’ve caucused with my Democrats, and we’ve agreed to a compromise: You allow Bolton to testify, and we’ll allow Hunter Biden.

McConnell: Sorry, that was the old deal. I have a new one.

Schumer: What’s that?

McConnell: We bring in Hunter Biden, and Joe Biden, and Hillary, and Obama, and Pencil Neck Liddle Adam Schiff.

Schumer: And Democrats get–?

McConnell: Bupkus.

[cut to Trump tweet]

Trump tweet: Moscow Crooked Chuck Schumer is a Russian troll! Lock him up!


Trump [smiling] I love my people!

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