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LARDER MAGE! or, the Trump Playbook

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Every badly-behaved child has a bag of tricks he reaches into when he’s caught with his dirty little hand in the cookie jar. It’s what little kids do, to try to deflect blame and punishment when they know they’ve done something wrong. Trump, who is like a little kid in the bad sense of being self-centered and amoral, has his own devices to ward off blame. We’re so used to his stunts by now that they seem almost normal, but we ought not to forget that they’re not normal—that in fact they’re quite perverse. Behaving badly and then throwing a tantrum would be bad enough in an average adult, but when they’re the tactics of the President of the United States, they’re not only perverse, they’re dangerous: we have a narcissistic adolescent in charge of America, with a pudgy finger on the nuclear trigger.

Here are some of Trump’s stunts, in what I call the Trump Playbook. Have I missed any?

Whatever you’re accused of, accuse your accusers of the same thing.

Example: When Trump was caught red-handed conspiring with Russia to investigate Democrats (“Russia, if you’re listening…”), he accused Democrats of conspiring with Ukraine to investigate him.

When you can’t defend yourself because the facts are against you, turn to ad hominem attacks on your accusers.

Example: Democrats are evil, unpatriotic, ugly. The media is the enemy of the people. Hillary is crooked. The Bidens are criminals.

Whenever Russia is suspected of nefarious activity against the U.S., distract the people with ridiculous red herrings.

Example: The hacking into DNC computers might have been done by a 400-pound guy in his bedroom. (Pelosi: “All roads lead to Russia.”)

Pander to the least educated of your base.

Example: Pretend to be a Christian; speak at Liberty University; invite evangelical preachers to lay hands on you in the White House.

Lie, all the time, about everything.

Example: You had the biggest inaugural crowd ever. You won the popular vote in 2016. Obama was born in Kenya. You didn’t know anything about the Trump Tower meeting your son presided over.

Level baseless charges against your political enemies.

Example: Obama tapped Trump’s phone at Trump Tower. The Obama FBI inserted spies into Trump’s 2016 campaign. The U.S. intelligence community are Democrats and hence never-Trumpers.

Choose as your defenders people with little or no integrity, who are willing to subvert American values, and who can be bullied into submission through fear and intimidation.

Example: Republicans in the House and Senate.

Repeat the same clichés over and over, a la Goebbels.

Example: Witch hunt. Fake news. My phone call was perfect. I’m the greatest president in history.

Refuse to recognize Congress as a co-equal branch of government.

Example: Ignore subpoenas for documents and witness testimony requested by the House of Representatives. (This is the basis for the Article 2, Obstruction of Congress.)

Come to secret agreements with America’s enemies that are to America’s detriment.

Example: Every conversation Trump has had with Putin.

Stage manage the news by refusing to answer questions from the independent press.

Example:  Stop holding regular press briefings. Appear only before friendly audiences, such as Fox “News.”

Claim that the Constitution allows you to do anything you want, with no checks or balances.

Example: Everything Trump does.

And there you have it: Trump’s Playbook, or, How to become a dictator.

P.S. Carter Page. Smarter Rage. Farter Days. Parter Schmage. Who the fuck knows who Carter Page is? Not one Republican in 100. He’s just some dude. But now they can scream from the rooftop, CARTER PAGE! HARTER STAGE! That lets their Fuehrer off the hook.

Louie Gohmert, Jim Jordan et. al, AKA The Chorus: SHINY OBJECT! LOOK OVER HERE! SHINY OBJECT! GARTER SAGE!     

“I have a favor to ask you, though…”

DARTER CAGE! MARTYR PHAGE! HILLARY LAGE!

Chairman Nadler: “The Committee will come to order.”

The Chorus: NARTER ZAGE! EMAILS! FAKE! YARTER YAGE! HILLARY! MAGA! IVARTA BAGE!

Had enough? Let’s impeach this bastard and get on.

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