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Thinking of becoming a Republican? Here’s how to do it in 10 steps!


I know that I, and many of my readers, view Republicans as some kind of bizarre sub-species of humankind that, somehow, devolved from American liberal democracy into primitive atavism. Ruled by reptilian brains, lacking reason and morality, they have reverted to behaviors not witnessed in humanoids since Pithecanthropus wandered the Java lowlands.

But really, this extreme view of Republicans is unfair. In many respects, these Republicans just like you and me: family people, hard-working and patriotic. That secretary who works in your office—the one who unjams the Xerox machine and makes the coffee every morning—may in fact be a Republican. You never know!

I fervently believe that we have got to understand these people. Can’t we all get along? We can! So, along those lines, I offer this advice: How to become Republican in 10 steps.

  1. If you’re not already obese, become so, as soon as possible! Republicans are fat, and Trump Republicans—like Trump himself—are the fattest of all.
  2. Dis-educate yourself. You might have graduated from college, or even have a post-graduate degree. But if you wish to become Republican, you must get rid of all that useless stuff, like science, geography and math—and believe only in Republican propaganda.
  3. Get all your information only from rightwing sources: Fox “News,” Breitbart, InfoWars, the Wall Street Journal editorial pages.
  4. Develop an opioid addiction. I’m not saying that all Republicans are addicts. Nor am I saying that all addicts are Republicans. But a majority of opioid addicts are Trump lovers. We know this from the MAGA hats they wear, and from their glazed eyes. They also tend to drool and have trouble articulating.
  5. Live in a trailer. It’s even better if you use an outhouse.
  6. Learn how to make ugly, snarling, angry faces for all the Trump rallies you’ll be going to.
  7. You’ll have to learn to hate as you’re never hated before: Jews, queers, Blacks, Mexicans, Arabs, Muslims, liberals. No emotion is valued as much among Trump Republicans as hatred.
  8. Become an evangelical Christian. This may be hard if you were raised as a Jew, or as a liberal Christian (Unitarian, Episcopal, etc.), but if you really want to be a Republican, it has to be done. This also entails finding yourself a suitable preacher. Make sure that your preacher is at least as hate-filled as you are. See if Franklin Graham, Jr. is available. That dude really knows how to hate.
  9. Move to a Red state/district. This probably means you’ll have to live in a rural area. This will entail some adjustments for city folk; you instance, you’ll have to get used to your neighbors engaging in incest, or shooting, skinning and eating certain mammals you didn’t think were edible. It can be done—just takes practice.
  10. Step number ten is the hardest of all: You’ll have to learn to love such repellent creatures as Jared Kushner, the chinless Donald Trump, Jr., the wild-game killer Eric Trump, the failed fashion designer Ivanka Trump, and the former Eastern European “escort,” Melania Trump. I know, I know, you really dislike these ghastly people. I do too! But they are the Republican Holy Family, our Father, Son, Holy Ghost, Mother Mary and the Magdalene, rolled into one unhealthy amalgam. So get yourself some photos of them and put them up in your bathroom. While you’re on the porcelain throne, you can contemplate them, and achieve a deeper understanding of what they truly are.

And there you have it. I’m not saying it will be easy to become a Republican. But then, nothing in life that’s worth gaining comes easy. The best rewards come after overcoming challenge. If the struggle becomes difficult—and it will, believe me!—take comfort in the day when you finally realize you’ve become a Republican. No more worries about right and wrong! No more agonizing over the ethical thing to do! No longer will you have to figure stuff out—it will all be explained to you. Imagine the freedom you’ll experience at not having to think anymore! You will simply be and obey, happy to be surrounded by like-minded (or unminded) folk of your own kith and kin, in whatever trailer park you inhabit. Like the children in Village of the Damned, like the Pod People in Invasion of the Body Snatchers, you will have sacrificed something—your mind—in exchange for something far more valuable and comforting: a sense of belonging.

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