Live from the White House, it’s Trump TV!
As he previously announced, President Trump has created his own T.V. network, because the Fox News Network is not conservative enough for his tastes. Programming begins tomorrow. This blog, steveheimoff.com, was given a secret advance copy of the schedule. Here it is:
PROGRAM SCHEDULE, TRUMP T.V. NETWORK
4 a.m. Tweet With POTUS. Early-birds will enjoy these before-dawn sessions of a sometimes-drugged President Trump practicing his favorite activity. If you’re lucky, he’ll have a Tweetstorm!
6 a.m. Donald & Friends First. Start your morning with handy wake-up tips from POTUS. See Pres. Trump make English muffins slathered in ketchup and M&Ms with his own hands! Watch as he stretches his ankles!
7 a.m. Donald & Friends. President Trump, Stephen Miller, Kellyanne Conway, Kimberly Guilfoyle, Devin Nunes. A lively hour of news and talk, from the Beltway’s favorite in-crowd. Fair and balanced!
8 a.m. Catch An Immigrant! A fun romp on the southern border! Watch President Trump’s favorite ICE agents hunt down and arrest brown-skinned criminals trying to sneak into America! Kids will love this adventure show.
9 a.m. Mornings With Melania. The gracious, beautiful First Lady of the Land now has her own talk show! Table-setting hints, flower arranging, fashion tips, and special guest stars. Today’s guest is the actor James Woods, talking about the movies he’ll never get to make because everybody in Hollywood hates him.
11 a.m. The Jared and Junior Show. Yes, it’s America’s favorite “bros!” Watch as they perform skits, musicals and jokes. See Jared juggle spoons! Watch Don Jr. tap dance in blackface! You never know when Eric or Barron might show up.
12 p.m. Trump T.V. Noon News. Sarah Huckabee Sanders presents all the latest breaking stories about Hillary Clinton’s emails.
1 p.m. Pray With Pence. America’s holiest-ever Veep reads selected passages from the New Testament and leads our nation in prayer.
2 p.m. The Three. Early-afternoon analysis and opinion from the always-lively trio of Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh and Alex Jones.
3 p.m. Trump T.V. Minority Report. Roundtable discussion featuring a rotating cast of Negroes, Mexicans, Homosexuals, Women, Cripples and Muslims. Not suitable for children.
4 p.m. Kill Hillary! Game show hosted by the National Rifle Association’s Oliver North. Contestants shoot loaded AR-15s at a giant face of Hillary. The winner gets to meet President Trump!
5 p.m. Trump T.V. Documentary. Hosted by noted historian Stephen Bannon, this features stories about the world’s strongest leaders and why they matter: Adolf Hitler, Idi Amin, Attila the Hun, Pol Pot.
6 p.m. The Six O’Clock News With President Trump. Our beloved POTUS sums up the day’s events with his usual fair and balanced analysis. Viewers will love the daily “Lock Hillary Up!” feature.
7 p.m. Dinner With President Trump. You never know what the Eater-In-Chief is going to be having. Chicken McNuggets, Double Western Bacon Cheeseburgers, French Fries—if it’s greasy and loaded with fat, our POTUS will love it!
8 p.m. Those Funny Trumps! Family sit-com starring the whole gang: Donald, Don Jr., Eric, Ivanka, Melania and Barron. Zany skits, pranks, gags. Your funny bone is guaranteed to break!
9 p.m. Dial M For Mueller. Com-Dram. Follow the mis-adventures of the inept FBI operative, Matt Mueller, as he stumbles his way through botched investigations. The dumbest cop since Toody and Muldoon! Starring James Woods as the hapless Mueller.
10 p.m. Home Shopping With Ivanka! Ladies will love the First Daughter’s shopping show. Discounts on Ivanka’s designer shoes, purses, gowns. Ivanka hosts, with co-host Gen. Kelly.
11 p.m. Signoff with Mitch McConnell. The Majority Leader ends our programming day with more prayers and a Special Salute to the Commander-in-Chief. Singing of the Star Spangled Banner by Roseanne Barr.
