Leaked! A transcript of that notorious phone call between Trump and MBS

[Trump called Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman (MBS) on Tuesday to inquire about the disappearance of Jamal Kashoggi, the journalist who was videotaped entering the Saudi consulate in Istanbul, and never seen again.]

Trump: How ya doing, Prince?

MBS: Doing well, Donald. We’re going to have to talk again about that Trump Tower in Riyadh as soon as I get my fighter jets, tanks, ships and anti-missile defenses from you.

Trump: We’re working on it, Prince. A fantastic deal for you. You know, if we sold those things to Russia it would be more like $200 billion, not the $110 we’re charging you.

MBS: And for that the entire Kingdom is grateful to you personally, Donald. In return, we will endeavor to keep the price of oil below $60 a barrel. Now, what is the purpose of this call?

Trump: Well, Prince, to be perfectly frank, I’m under a lot of pressure here to get tough with you on this Kashoggi thing.

MBS: We know how to deal with pressure in the Kingdom, Donald. Off with their heads! [giggles]

Trump: [laughs] Yeah, I know, Prince, but unfortunately, I can’t do that here—yet. Give me a year or two!

MBS: I trust you, Mister President.

Trump: It’s not just the flakey Democrats who are on my ass, it’s some Republicans too. There’s a lot of anger here over your killing Kashoggi.

MBS: I beg your pardon, Donald! Are you saying I personally killed that dung beetle?

Trump: No, no, no, Prince. But you ordered it.

MBS: I strongly deny that, Donald. Strongly!

Trump: Well, okay, you didn’t do it. But can I ask a favor? Can I borrow your men who did kill him? I have a little problem over here with certain journalists of my own. That Rachel Maddow, for instance. I wouldn’t mind her disappearing.

MBS: Don’t you have such men of your own?

Trump: Well, the CIA and all that, but they’re so damned squeamish. I told them to make Mueller disappear and they refused to do it!

MBS: All right, Donald, we’ll see what we can do.

Trump: Thank you, Prince. This will be my story: “He strongly denies it.” You know, that worked with Putin. He strongly denied to me Russia meddled in our election and that’s what I told the American people and everybody believed it except those damned Democrats.

MBS: Vladimir told me how much he appreciated your parroting his line.

Trump: He’s a great guy, Prince. A strong man, like you. Well, that’s all I got. So long, Prince. Don’t let the sand bugs bite!

MBS: Before you go, Donald, there is one more thing I want to ask. When you talk about this incident, please state that “rogue elements,” quote unquote, were behind it.

Trump: “Rogue elements”…?

MBS: Yes. In our embassy in Istanbul. Whoever killed Mr. Kashoggi was not an official of the Saudi government. Please repeat that.

Trump: “The Crown Prince strongly told me that whoever killed Mr. Kashoggi was not an official of the Saudi government.”

MBS: It could have been Al Qaeda; could have been the Israelis; could have been the Turks. Could have been aliens, or even Kashoggi’s wife: I understand things were not good between them. Who knows?

Trump: The more I think about it, Prince, the more I like it. It’s such a plausible lie, like my “400 pound guy in his bedroom” thing. But I gotta tell you, Prince, I’ll take some heat over this. Even Fox News is going to be all over me. Sometimes, I swear that Shepard Smith is a liberal.

MBS: Well, you’ll handle it. You always do. The point is, “rogue elements” casts just enough confusion to muddy the situation and buy us time until this blows over.

Trump: Sounds like you’ve been talking with Bannon again.

MBS: Our mutual friend is very wise in the ways of the world, Donald. He has been useful to us here in the Kingdom.

Trump: I love it! Okay, so when those snowflake reporters ask me, I’ll mention “rogue elements.”

MBS: Perfect. You can add that we, in the Kingdom, are determined to get to the bottom of this and discover the true killer or killers and bring him, her or them to justice!

Trump: Haha, Prince. That reminds me of my promise to hire the best investigators to prove that Obama wasn’t a U.S. citizen.

MBS: How did that turn out for you, Donald?

Trump: Who cares? All in the past.

MBS: By the way, Donald, I’m thinking of having a little féte here for the world’s dictators. Putin, President Xi, Kim Jong-un, Maduro, Assad, President Kagame, Duterte, Erdogan, and—even though he’s no longer a sitting president–Mugabe.

Trump: My kind of people, Prince!

MBS: Maybe sometime after the New Year, when the weather in Riyadh is delightful. We’ll do it the old-fashioned way: slave girl dancers, beheadings, a banquet—

Trump: Did you say “slave girl dancers,” Prince?

MBS: I did indeed, Donald. Just your type! You can grab them wherever you want.

Trump: No wives, right?

MBS: Of course not, Donald. There are still some values we respect here in the Kingdom, despite the incursions of modernization.

Trump: Count me in, Prince! Can I bring Jared?

MBS: We would be dishonored were you not to do so, Donald. And your boys, Donald Jr. and Eric. Such fine, upstanding young men.

Trump: Thank you, Prince. Are there any endangered species in Arabia they can shoot?

MBS: A few Jews, perhaps. [Both laugh]