From the Personal Diary of Brett Kavanaugh

Dear Diary,

I played this one well, dontcha think? Been preparing for it for more than twenty years now. Just imagine me, little Bretty Kavanaugh, a middle class kid from D.C., on the Supreme Court!

Those Dems think they’re gonna trip me up but they’re not gonna lay a hand on me. We’ve been moot-courting this thing for months: me, Lindsay Graham and Orrin Hatch. There’s nothing any Dem’s gonna ask me that I haven’t already been asked a dozen times over.

I had the good sense (if I do say so myself) for the last twelve years while I was on the Court of Appeals to keep a low profile and not write anything that could get me in hot water when this moment came, which I always knew it would. So there’s nothing in my public record as a judge that’s gonna come at me.

I gotta say that I’m glad Trump is playing hardball on my documents from before 2003. There’s stuff in there that could be a problem. I was pretty fierce on abortion—against it, I mean. ‘Course, as a believing Catholic, I have to be against killing babies. I’m sure somebody—maybe Kamala Harris—is gonna press me on being Catholic: can I divorce my judicial decisions from my religious beliefs? That’s no problem. All I have to do is reassure her that of course I can. Just between you and me, Dear Diary, obviously I can’t eliminate my religious beliefs from my judicial opinions, because my Catholic beliefs are the Word of God, and God is higher than anything, including the U.S. Constitution and Stare Decicis and all that. So I will vote to overturn Roe v. Wade just as soon as I get the chance! But I’d never admit it in public.

Dems will also ask me about gay marriage. Now, don’t get me wrong, Diary, I have gay friends and even a cousin who’s gay, and I love them, as my Lord and Savior commands. But the Bible says marriage is between a man and a woman. That’s the way God wants it, and by gum, that’s the way it’s gonna be, if I have anything to say about it—and once I’m sworn in, I’ll have plenty to say about it! I imagine that when we overturn Obergeffel there’s gonna be a shitstorm in America, with every damn gay marching in the streets and screaming for my head, but that’s okay. Jesus will protect me. America has to return to her Godly ways or else the atheistic terrorists will win.

By the way, Dear Diary, Dems are gonna try and get me to say a president can’t be indicted or subpoenaed, and they’ll also try to trap me into saying that, in my opinion, the Special Counsel law is unConstitutional. Obviously, those are my opinions: a President is absolutely shielded from being indicted or subpoenaed because the only way a president can be held to justice, if he breaks the law, is by impeachment. And I see nothing in the Constitution to allow for the creation of what is essentially a fourth branch of government—a Special Counsel—with co-equal powers, or greater, than the three branches the Constitution spells out. So, yes, I would vote to stop the investigation now. In fact, during one of my private talks with President Trump, I told him that, if he fired Mueller and I was on the Court, I’d uphold his action. I don’t know if that was part of the reason he picked me—but I have to assume it was!

He’s a great man, President Trump. Sure, as a Catholic, I don’t agree with some of the things he says and does (that pussy grabbing thing really bothered me), but the Constitution doesn’t say we have to elect an angel as president. It just says he has to be a citizen and at least 35. (In Obama’s case, I’m still not convinced he’s American—but I’m not gonna say that either!) So, yeah, Trump’s not very moral; I think probably he doesn’t even believe in God. But it doesn’t matter, because he’s essentially running the government in a Catholic way, which is how I think America should be run. (Not that I’m a big fan of Pope Francis. Too liberal.)

So here we go, Dear Diary. Pretty soon, I’ll be an Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States! And, together with my fellow Catholics on the Court, we’re gonna bring Jesus back as the leader of the free world.