On Trump’s new “Religious Liberty Task Force”
[The following is a transcript of what Jefferson Beauregard Sessions’s remarks to the new Religious Liberty Task Force at their first meeting]
Hello all, and thank you for being God-fearing patriots!
I want to begin by telling you—strictly off the record—about the RLTF’s mission: It is to protect Christianity in America from its enemies, including Islamic terrorists, “gays,” atheists, Democrats, coastal elites and abortion lovers. All of these categories, by the way, tend to overlap. For instance, Hillary Clinton is all five.
Yes, lock her up!
Now, we have to pretend we’re protecting the freedom of all religions. But, of course, there’s only one real, true religion, and that’s Christianity. So you can go out there and tell the fake news media that you believe in protecting everybody’s religion, and when you do, you’re telling the truth—because “religion” is “Christianity. As my sainted grandma said, if it ain’t Christian, it ain’t religion.
Now, some hardcore leftwing radicals like to tell the lie that our rights here in America come from the Constitution. But don’t let them fool you! Our rights come from Jesus Christ and his father, God. The men who wrote the Constitution were all Christians, and they would be the first to assure you that God—not they—wrote our sacred founding document. Wasn’t it Thomas Jefferson who said, “I celebrate the founding of the United States of America as a Christian nation, guided by God, in the name of Jesus?”
How is it that we as a country have gone so far off the righteous path that we have allowed unelected judges to wall Christianity off from governance? This has been a dangerous movement in America. These elitist judges have given us such misguided decisions as that town fathers cannot place creches at their City Halls—that miscegenation is permissible—that you can’t mine for coal, which is God’s favorite fuel–and that most horrible and sinful of all decisions, that men can marry men and women can marry women!
You know and I know that this is immoral and goes against Holy Scripture. We also know that it’s a slippery slope. What’s next—men marrying animals? Fortunately, our great leader, the wonderful Donald J. Trump, is doing what he can to prevent such blasphemy from infecting our legal system by appointing good Christian white men to the Supreme Court. And by the way, don’t get me started on the Supreme Court: the Founding Fathers intended it to consist only of Christian white men, but somewhere along the line this concept was perverted, and we now have women on the Bench, whereas they should be in the kitchen having babies. But that’s another story!
What’s that you say? Clarence Thomas? But keep in mind, he’s a Christian white man who just happens to be a Black.
Anyway, like I was saying, we need to keep the examples of the Pilgrims in mind. What brought them to Plymouth Rock? Religious liberty, that’s what! They came to America to get away from a government system that told them who to worship, and how, and when. They wanted liberty and freedom! That’s the kind of country they formed up there in New England. It was a place where everybody—men, women, children, Black, white, Indian—was free to do what he or she chose, without interference.
But now we’ve degenerated into this Big Government tyranny where you can’t even pray to Jesus at a City Council meeting without the atheist ACLU suing you. If you’re a God-fearing Christian baker, you can’t even refuse to sell a cake to a couple pedos who come in half-dressed and on drugs demanding that you put genitals on the cake in violation of your religious beliefs. Atheist courts have allowed Muslim suicide bombers to vote as long as they happen to be U.S. citizens! How did it come to that? But once again, our wonderful, blessed President Trump is working overtime to keep these foreigners out. We’re going to Make America White and Christian Again!
And that is why President Trump directed me to form this Religious Liberty Task Force. “Jeff,” he said, “I hate this erosion of Christian values we’ve been seeing happen under that Muslim radical Obama and those terrible Democrats. I want you to devote all your energies, and those of the Justice Department, to cleaning up his mess, and getting rid of these anti-Christian haters, and making Christianity America’s state religion.”
I told him, “Mr. President, I’d be happy to. But you can’t come right out and say you’re Christianizing America, because even this Supreme Court might find that unConstitutional. You have to make believe you’re in favor of all religions, even though you’re not.”
Well, I can tell you that President Trump is a reasonable man. He listened to me, and then he said, “Jeff, I want you to go out there and tell the Big Lie: that the RLTF is in favor of all religions. After all, I tell Big Lies every day, and I’m President.”
Look, you’re going to be lambasted by the liberal fake news media, with their hateful lies. The New York Times, Washington Post, MSNBC, all of that scumful crowd. God hates them, you know. And He loves you for doing His work, just as he loves President Trump.
God bless President Trump! We are going to assure every Christian his or her religious rights. And anyone who tries to stop us is going to be trampled underfoot, when the Saints come marching in with the fateful lightning of their terrible swift swords. Glory Hallelujah! In the name of Jesus, God Bless America!”
Hey Steve,
I was so upset by the RLTF, which, even on CNN, didn’t get much air time, that I looked online to see if anyone was greeting it with the “OMG now it begins…” dread I was feeling.
And what did I find? An old friend from M&A! – AMBI! – Of course I remember Ambi.
And what has become of us? Well, Amy is the cultural grande dame of Des Moines (recently lost her husband – very sad). I’m a legendary has-been inventor designer entertainer “Wacky Chick”(Simon Doonan – wrote the book) and you’re the ultimate wino connoisseur.
Tell me more. Lets catch up. You got my email
Love,
Izzi