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Leaked! a call from Cohen to Trump, earlier this year

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Cohen: Boss, Sarah [Huckabee Sanders] really blew it at her presser the other day, when she told the reporters that Stormy’s allegations weren’t true.

Trump: Why? They’re not.

Cohen, Well, boss, they are. I mean, that’s why we paid her—Stormy—the $130 grand. To shut her up. Sarah really stirred the pot with that remark.

Trump: The Feds don’t know that we paid her anything!

Cohen: I think they do. At any rate, we have to come up with a story for when this [inaudible].

Trump: What do you propose, Mike?

Cohen: That I paid her out of my own personal funds. You didn’t know anything about it.

Trump. Hmm. Sounds good.

Cohen: You’re gonna have to deny it if one of those damned reporters asks you about it, though. Nobody can ever know that you reimbursed me.

Trump: Right.

Cohen: Because we pretty obviously broke campaign finance laws.

Trump: How’s that?

Cohen: Well, I gave her the money right before the election, so that proves it was a financial contribution to your campaign, not just a simple NDA.

Trump: Exactly what laws were broken?

Cohen: Boss, there’s a $2,700 limit on the amount an individual can contribute to a candidate in a federal election. Somebody could argue that I personally exceeded that limit—which I did.

Trump: Can’t you say that the money wasn’t a contribution but only a donation to Stormy?

Cohen: Nope. Federal election law specifically defines “donations” as “in-kind contributions” that count against contribution limits.

Trump: Could you say the money was a loan?

Cohen: Nope. Loans are considered contributions.

Trump: So, what if I come clean and admit I paid her? I mean, it would be messy, politically, but it would get me off the hook legally, right?

Cohen: Again, boss, no. Because you didn’t disclose it. You gotta disclose your own contributions to your campaign.

Trump: Wow. Fucking election laws. What’s the penalty for violating campaign finance laws?

Cohen: That’s the good news, boss. It would only be a fine—typically, a few thousand bucks. Trouble is, I could lose my license to practice law.

Trump: [silence]

Cohen: Boss? You there? Did you hear what I said?

Trump: Yeah, sure. Well, so what? You don’t really practice law anyway. I’d still keep you on the payroll.

Cohen: That’s good to know.

Trump: Provided…

Cohen: What?

Trump: Provided you protect me. Never, ever flip on me, Mike.

Cohen: Boss, you know I’d never—

Trump: I know, Mike. I know. And don’t forget this: If worse comes to worst, I have the power of the pardon. I’m not gonna let you go down, Mike—and you’re gonna protect me, too. Capiche?

Cohen: I do, boss. Meanwhile, what about Sarah? I mean, you’re sending her out there every day, telling lies.

Trump: So what? She’ll land on her feet. Get a cushy job at some evangelical outfit. That kid, Falwell, told me they’d love to hire her as chief counsel. I’m the best thing that ever happened to her.

Cohen: I know, but every time she gets caught in a lie, she loses credibility.

Trump: Look, Mike, leave the politics to me, okay? She’s in a no-win situation anyway. She could tell the truth from now until Doomsday and that goddamn D.C. press corps would still hate her.

Cohen: True.

Trump: Besides, this is all about me, Mike. Me, myself and I. Okay? It doesn’t matter who falls, who gets thrown under the bus, who goes to jail. As long as it’s not me. Or my family.

Cohen: Boss, we got another problem. Ivanka.

Trump: Explain.

Cohen: Well, she knows pretty much everything. The Moscow real estate. The Trump Tower meeting. Jared’s Qatar deals. Donald Junior’s lie. The Assange thing. The fake statement on Air Force One.

Trump: Are you saying you think my daughter will flip?

Cohen: Boss, I’ve seen mothers flip on their sons, and vice versa, when they’re threatened with hard time.

Trump: Ivanka’s a red line. A red fucking line. They touch her, they touch me. Mike, your job is to protect her. I don’t care what you have to do. That’s my baby you’re talking about. A beautiful girl. Hell, if she wasn’t my daughter, I’d make a move on her, know what I mean?

Cohen: She’s a babe, all right.

Trump: So just go out there and do your job. Lie if you have to. Deny. Insult our enemies. I do it all the time, and it works.

Cohen: You’re right about that, boss. One more thing.

Trump: Make it fast. I have a phone call to Putin.

Cohen: I’m glad that the Feds aren’t tapping my phone, boss, because these conversations we’re having are pretty incriminating.

Trump: They’d never do that, Mike. Sessions promised me. And I own his ass.

Cohen: Take care, Mister President. God bless.

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