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From the personal diary of DONALD J. TRUMP

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All this fake news about me having sex with prostitutes and porn stars is just another example of the Deep State making up lies in order to discredit me and impose sharia on the American people.

Let me state frankly and unequivocably that I have never cheated on my lovely wives! When I was married to Ivana I was faithful to her! All those stories about an affair with Marla Maples were invented by the liberal New York media that were jealous of me. Later, when I married Marla, we were very happy, and I never cheated on her. Then I met Melania, and I fell in love with this sweet, charming, modest little girl from Slovenia. People say she was a paid escort, but I never paid her, although I did pick up the tab when we were dating. And in the thirteen years we’ve been married, I have never even once had sex with anyone else. I haven’t even looked at another woman! Dear Diary, would I lie—me, the epitome of truthfulness?

The truth is, I respect women too much to treat them like ho’s. That Billy Bush tape from Access Hollywood? We now know that that voice wasn’t mine. That tape was produced by the Democratic National Committee, directed personally by Crooked Hillary, to hurt me during the campaign. You didn’t see me actually utter the words, right? Before Billy and I stepped off the bus, we had been talking about Mother Theresa and what a role model she was for humanity. I was telling Billy that my highest goal in life was to be like her: humble, pious, and devoting my life to the poor. But then it was time to step off the bus, where the cameras were waiting—and you didn’t see me do anything improper or inappropriate with that bimbo, did you? No. I was and am a model of civility. Ask any woman who’s ever known me! Ask Ivanka! She’ll tell you I’m a perfect gentleman.

As for this “Stormy Daniels,” I never even met her! My lawyers tell me she’s an evil, sick gold digger. There’s no proof we ever met—no pictures, no emails, nothing! Besides, she’s a dog—even if I was tempted to be unfaithful to Melania (which I’m not!), I would never do it with someone so fat and ugly. And as everybody knows, I’m a Christian! Always have been. I always carry two booklets with me: the Constitution, and the New Testament. Jesus was my kinda guy. People say I don’t give money to charity. Bull! I give a lot of money to charity. It’s all there in my taxes. Of course, I can’t release my taxes to the public, but believe me, all the proof you need is right there about how generous and compassionate I am.

And now they’re complaining that I’m too nice to Putin. Why not? Vladimir is the Jesus of Russia. He could have made a lot of money in the private sector, only he decided to sacrifice his life for his people! I don’t believe the rumors that he has billions in a Swiss bank account. Those are Democrat lies. He told me he lives on his government salary, and I trust him. Of course, there are people I don’t trust, like Oprah Winfrey and that awful Mayor of Oakland, what’s her name, “Liberal Libby Schaaf” I call her. If it was up to me, they’d both be in Gitmo—and I might send them there, when I replace Mr. Magoo at the Justice Department with Don Jr.

Anyhow, Dear Diary, you know that all these women are lying about having sex with me, just to make some money. They’re not Christian. They’re not American. But they are liberals—bad people, selfish and unpatriotic. Every one of them—every one!—has been hired by the Deep State to take me down. I have proof that the Obamas are in on the conspiracy. Nancy Pelosi is the godmother of this liberal click. I have plans for them—oh, boy, do I ever. But I can’t reveal them just yet. Soon. A few months, maybe. Then they’ll see.

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