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Donald Trump, Hero

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People are making fun of me for saying I would have run into that school down in Florida and attacked that Cruz kid who was shooting the place up. Fine; let ‘em. I know it’s true and so do my fans.

And my position is entirely consistent with everything I’ve said and done in the past. Back in the Seventies and Eighties, I used to tell my girlfriends how I would have killed all those damn Viet Cong gooks if I’d have been in the Army during the war. I mean, I really wanted to join up, but those damn bone spurs—well, I went down to the Draft Board and showed ‘em to the Army docs, and the bastards gave me a deferment. “Disqualified for military service,” they said.

Man, was I heartbroken! I remember I went home and told Dad and asked him if he knew anybody important who could get me in. Turned out he didn’t. That’s one of the few regrets I have in life: I mean, while all those other brave American kids were over there fighting and dying, I had to hang out at Studio 54 with Roy Cohn, do coke and get laid!  I figure I had at least 1,000 bimbos in those days, and you know what, Dear Diary? Quite honestly, every time I was having sex, I thought to myself, “I’d rather be over there in Nam, protecting my great country’s freedom, instead of here in bed, humping this actress.” Believe me, it took a lot of the happiness out of getting laid!

For that matter, I really wanted to march with Dr. King! I was raised to value and respect Civil Rights and all that stuff. My Dad always told me how great the Blacks were as tenants. But I just couldn’t get away that summer to march with him. I don’t remember exactly why—I think there was a big badminton game at the club and we were the defending champs. But believe me, I would have marched with Dr. King if I could!

See, this is the thing people don’t know about me: I’m the first guy out there to defend freedom! I know for a fact exactly what I woulda done in Florida if I’d been there during the shooting. As soon as I heard the first gun shot, I would have burst in the front door–unarmed. Then, using my senses, which have always been very acute, I would have followed the sound of the gunfire to its source. Then I would have seen that Cruz killer, and I would have came charging through like a guided missile and rammed into the kid and taken him down! Then, while all the students and teachers were cheering me on, I would have beat the crap out of him. Yes, me, Donald Trump! That’s what I woulda done. I just wish I’d had the chance. There would have been a lot of alive students if it had been up to me.

Okay, Dear Diary, here’s something very few people know. I told Kelly I wanted to go over to some foreign country and kick some ass for America. I didn’t care where: maybe Syria, or Nigeria, or Mexico, maybe North Korea or France or—is there a war in Canada? Someplace where I could find these terrorists and wipe the street with them! That’s my nature, Dear Diary: to honor freedom and the dignity of all Americans, especially women. You know, I adore women; Ivanka will tell you that. But Kelly wouldn’t let me. “Mr. President,” he said, “your place is here, in the Oval Office.”

“John,” I said, “I won’t feel like I’m doing my fair share unless I can have a gun and go to some war zone and kill America’s enemies.” I remember we went back and forth, with Kelly saying “No” and me saying “I want to.” Sometimes, Dear Diary, he acts like he’s boss, instead of the other way around. I’d fire him, except that, politically, it wouldn’t look good. But one of these days he’s toast.

Anyhow that’s the side of me I wish more people knew about. The part that would have been a war hero if I didn’t have bone spurs. The part that woulda been right there on that bridge with the Freedom Riders, beside Congressman Lewis, if I could. The part that would have saved all those lives in that Florida school, if I could. The part that really wants to help the Dreamers. If it wasn’t for the #FakeNews liberal media, Americans would know these things about me!!! #Sad.

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