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From the personal diary of Kirstjen Nielsen



Dear Diary,

I have something to admit to you: I lied when I testified that I didn’t remember what President Trump said in that meeting.

Big deal. Like politicians don’t lie all the time! Lol. I didn’t lie that much when I worked for President Bush. But when I went to work for Gen. Kelly, I had to lie a whole lot, and it made me feel a little guilty. One night, the General and I were out for drinks and, after a few martinis, I confessed my mixed feelings about lying. I’ll never forget what he said.

“Kirstjen, a very wise man, Winston Churchill, once said, ‘Truth is so precious that she should always be attended by a bodyguard of lies.’”

I didn’t understand, and I said so. Gen. Kelly explained, “We in the Trump administration are here to get big things done. Sometimes, it’s necessary to tell lies in order to accomplish that. But remember, the ends justify the means. So don’t sweat telling the occasional lie. In fact, look at it this way: the more lies you tell, the more you’re protecting the truth! And the truth, for us, is President Donald J. Trump. That’s our job: to protect him. If you have to lie in order to do that, then so be it.”

I took his words to heart; after all, Gen. Kelly is a very great man. So when the Democrats on that Senate Judiciary Committee started giving me a hard time with “What did you hear?” and “What exactly did the President say?” I recalled Gen. Kelly, and was able to tell my lies with a straight face. After all, President Trump gave me this opportunity to be Homeland Security Secretary, and I owe it to him to protect him from his enemies.

I have to admit, Dear Diary, that when Cory Booker exploded and accused me of “complicity,” it wasn’t the most comfortable moment. I remember glancing over to Sen. Grassley and catching his eye. We seemed to be seeing into each other’s minds, and I knew exactly what he was thinking. He knew I was lying, and he knew I knew that he knew I was lying, and I swear, he gave me a little wink of approval, Nobody else saw it, thank God, but I did. I knew what Sen. Grassley was saying: “Good girl, Kirstjen. You’re in the big leagues now, and you’re playing like a big league star.” That felt good, Dear Diary.

I figure I’ll stay in this job for another year or so, and then go out and make some serious money. Various individuals have already let me know discretely that I can name my price at Boeing, Northrop Grumman or Raytheon, maybe Facebook. I’d run their security departments and also lobby for them in the District. A friend of mine who works for Lockheed told me she makes $3.5 million a year, and that doesn’t even include all the perks, such as a clothing allowance. That’s three-and-a-half million reasons to tell lies and not feel bad about it.

So, sure, President Trump called Haiti and those African countries “shitholes.” But like I said, so what? And you know what, Dear Diary? They are shitholes. I’ve been to them; I know. The President was right when he said America wants immigrants from places like Norway, which, by the way, is where my mother’s parents were born. Is there something wrong with being White? My family didn’t end up on welfare. They didn’t steal, or join gangs, or smoke crack and have babies out-of-wedlock, like these colored immigrants do. We succeeded the old-fashioned Christian way, through hard work and belief in God. I know that President Trump isn’t the most ethical person in the world, and some of the things he’s said and done give me the creeps, to be perfectly honest. But President Trump is the truth, and if I have to be part of the bodyguard of lies that attends him, I am honored to do so.


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