Here’s the speech Donald Trump should give (but won’t, because it’s true)

My fellow Americans,

Thank you for taking the time to hear what I have to say to you this evening, as I address the American people from here in the Oval Office, a place from which so many of my predecessors spoke to you about matters of great importance.

This time, I wish to talk, not about war, or peace, or the economy. I wish to talk about myself. More than that, I wish to apologize to you. For I have said and done awful things, and it is now time for me to admit them, and atone for them.

I have not always been a nice person. I have had racist and xenophobic tendencies, which I inherited from my parents. I also have struggled to keep my sexual impulsivity under control. I have not always been successful in these efforts. But, at least, I have tried—and I continue to try, each and every day.

I have lied to you. Repeatedly, on matters both great and small. In fact, my political career rests on a foundation of lies. Let me start with the biggest lie I ever told—one which I repeated time and time again, even as I knew it was untrue. Over and over, at speeches and rallies, and on Twitter, I looked you—the American people—in the eye and told you that President Obama was not a real American…that he was born in Kenya…that my experts, whom I had sent to Hawaii to research the facts of his birth, had proof that Obama was not a citizen, and therefore not legally qualified to be President.

It was all a lie.

Why did I manufacture such a monstrous untruth? Because I have no regard for truth. Who cares about “truth” anyway? To me, it’s all about winning. I knew that many, many of you would be stupid enough to believe my lies. My private polling indicated that Obama was widely hated by the very people I had to appeal to, in order to get elected President—under-educated, angry white rural voters. In fact, my pollsters told me that, unless I told that lie, I had no chance to even get the nomination. And so, being ambitious—blinded with ambition, really—I passed this lie on to you, the American people. And it worked. And for that, I am truly sorry. Words cannot even express how disappointed I am in myself. For the rest of my days, I will carry this weight of shame.

President Obama, Mrs. Obama, Sasha and Malia: I am sorry. Truly, truly sorry. I hope you can find it in your hearts to forgive me—for I know that your hearts are bigger than mine.

I have told you so many lies, during the course of the primaries, the campaign, and since the Inauguration, that I hardly know where to begin to list them. Actually, the New York Times did a pretty good job of that for me last July. They missed a few—and I’ve lied many times since they published their article. And, let me tell you, I have a great deal of respect for the New York Times, a paper I have read at my breakfast table all my life, and will continue to do so. Another one of my lies was about how terrible the New York Times is. I told you they lie and they publish fake news. That is not true. It is Fox News that lies. I lied about the New York Times, in order to appeal to the same uneducated, angry white voters who believed me when I said Obama was not a citizen. And once again, I am sorry.

Well, I could go through every lie and apologize for it, but we’d be here all night and into tomorrow, so I’ll stop now. But lying isn’t the only thing I want to apologize for. Another is degrading the Presidency. Most of the occupants of this office—maybe all of them—were great, moral, honorable, decent men of towering integrity. I think of their names: Washington. Jefferson. Madison. Lincoln. Teddy Roosevelt. Wilson. FDR. JFK. Reagan and, yes, Barack Obama. And it fills me with anguish and shame that I have sullied the Oval Office with my presence—me, a sexual predator, a bully, a con man, a cheat, a grifter, a serial adulterer. I pretend to believe in God when, in fact, I don’t, and have scorned believers all my life. In fact, if you could see inside my head, you’d know how really sick, dark and twisted I am—filled with hatreds and resentments you can’t even begin to fathom. Sometimes I scare myself, especially when I think that it’s my small, fat hands that have access to the nuclear codes. And so I apologize for disgracing the office of the President of the United States. I can only affirm my hope that, after my departure, this revered office will once again become clean and sacrosanct.

I want also to get a word in about my denial of climate change. I have empowered the most ignorant, anti-science elements of our society with my declarations that climate change is a Chinese-inspired hoax. I kind of knew I was lying before, but now–in the wake of the Texas and Florida hurricanes–I know for sure that the U.S. coastal areas are in for a tough time. Maybe it took the threat to Mar-a-Lago to convince me, but I’ve changed my mind. I lied about climate change, and to future generations, I sincerely apologize.

Finally, I want to apologize for something that may be the worst thing I’ve done: and that is to polarize this country even worse than it was before I was elected President. I know, in my heart, that I should try to unify America, the way Barack Obama tried to do. Bless him, really: He was attacked so ruthlessly and unfairly, by me and my people, that he might easily have lost his temper and given into resentment and grudge. But he never did. He held his head high—so did Michelle—and they were such noble symbols of our great country. Sometimes it almost broke my heart to have to tell so many lies about him, to insult him and Michelle as much as I did. Even Melania, who likes both of them a great deal, asked me to tone it down. But I couldn’t! You see, I’ve always had it my way, every step of my life. There was never anyone to put the brakes on me, to tell me to stop. If somebody got in my way, I crushed them. I wish now there had been someone to stop me; I might have learned to restrain myself against my darkest impulses. But I couldn’t, and in my anger and paranoia, I appealed to those Breitbart types who seem eager for a civil war; and I insulted and antagonized the good people in America, who might have supported me but were disgusted by my antics, and rightfully so. So I’ve pushed America further in the direction of civil unrest. I feel really, truly awful about that. It pains me to think how historians will write about me. “The Great Divider.” Ouch. But maybe it’s not too late for me to bring all sides together. Ultimately, it’s going to be up to you, the American people.

My fellow Americans, I have let all of you down—not just those of you who voted for me, and who continue to support me, but Democrats, liberals, independents, everyone. I can hardly look in the mirror anymore, so repugnant has my own face become to me. In the end, all I can do is ask for your forgiveness, and pledge to try and reform myself, so as to be a better man—and a better President. That, I promise to do, and I hope that, this time, you’ll know I’m telling the truth.

I hope to remain in this office. But if you, the American people, in your wisdom feel otherwise, I will do the right thing, and step aside in favor of my Vice President, Mike Pence—a very good man.

And so, in conclusion, let me thank you, and may God bless the United States of America!