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From the personal diary of Melania Trump

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Ciao Dear Diary! Sometimes I feel like you’re the only one I can talk to. I mean, Donald is sweet, but he’s sooo busy, you know? And Barron, well, he’s a good boy, but he’s a little slow, like his grandpa—I mean, my father, not Donald’s. We never did get Daddy diagnosed. Of course, in Slovenia there weren’t good doctors, and we didn’t have any money anyway, which all changed, of course, when I married Donald, but by then, Daddy was gone, and, you know…Well, there I go again, prattling away!!!!

Somebody asked me today what I’ll do when I’m F.L. and my first thought was “What are they talking about, Fort Lauderdale? Nobody lives in Fort Lauderdale except old Jews.” But then I realized she meant FIRST LADY! Yes, I guess I’m going to have to get used to it. I’ve been reading about my predecessors lately…well, not really reading, because you know me and books, we don’t really get along. But Donald hired a professional historian of First Ladies to tutor me. So far, my favorites are Abigail Adams, who I understand was married to a very early President, not George Washington, another one…oh, yes, James Adams, I think it was. Or maybe Abraham Adams? One of those old guys who wore a wig. Can you imagine Donald in a wig? Giggles! I also like Mrs. Bush, not Laura, whom I haven’t met yet, I mean the first Mrs. Bush, the one with the big white hair, Barbara. She came to Mar-a-Lago last month, very hush-hush, we had to practically smuggle her in in a carpet, it was so secretive. A very nice lady, a bit, shall we say, plus-sized, but not everyone can be a size two like me! Mrs. Bush was telling me about Nancy Reagan, who I also like. So fashionable! Such good taste. Now that was a First Lady to inspire the little people! Donald met her a couple of times. He didn’t like her, to tell you the truth. He said she was a c-word. But Donald says that about a lot of women. I asked Mrs. Bush how I could get in touch with Nancy Reagan, but Mrs. Bush told me the poor thing is dead. Oh well!

But you know who my favorite First Lady was? Yes, Dear Diary, none other than Jackie Kennedy!!! I admit I don’t know much about history, but everybody knew about Jackie. Growing up in Ljubljana I had some magazines with her picture. So pretty! Such a good dresser. Her favorite designer was James Galanos who also dressed Nancy Reagan. When I heard that, I asked Mr. Comey (Donald told me I could ask him for an occasional favor) to find Mr. Galanos for me, so he could design my inaugural gown, but Mr. Comey discovered he died just last October!!!! Isn’t that weird??? So many people are dying, aren’t they? I don’t know what’s going on. I mean, Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds??? Anyway, I have my final gown fitting next week, but I can’t really tell you anything about it, Dear Diary, because I promised Donald I wouldn’t tell anyone. And you are someone!!! But I will tell you, it’s very cute, an off-the-shoulder with a bustier bodice, and red. When Donald saw it he said it was smoking hot!

I don’t know, Dear Diary, I think I have what they call “mixed feelings” about being First Lady. Thank God I’m not going to have to live in that awful White House. Such a bunch of junk! All those ugly old paintings of dead people, it’s like a morgue! Cold, drafty, and people everywhere—Mrs. Bush said they come right into your bedroom! It’s like living in the subway. You have no privacy. I’m glad Donald’s going to let me stay here, in the Tower, while Barron’s in school. Ivanka’s more of a hostess than me, to be perfectly honest. I know people think I’m this big social butterfly, but really, I like nothing better than scrunching up in my big chair in the bedroom, in my little cotton snuggie, watching Celebrity Apprentice. Give me a bottle of Pinot Grigio, some crudités and hummus, and I’m all set!!!

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