How the Democrats will get dead people to vote for Hillary
Scene: Shady Grove Cemetery, Tallahassee, Florida. Nighttime. An office – darkened, no light except for the moon through the window. A desk with chair, filing cabinets. The desk is littered with files scattered haphazardly. The room is empty, except for the ticking of a grandfather clock. Suddenly:
SMASH
The sound of a window breaking. Scraping noises, thuds, muffled voices.
Voice #1: Be quiet, you idiot!
Voice #2: I’m sorry, Mistress.
A floorboard creaks. The clock ticks. A shaft of light stabs through the darkness of the office: a flashlight beam. The light illuminates two figures who have just broken into the cemetery office: Huma Abedin, Hillary Clinton’s assistant, and her assistant, Ralphie, a hideously-deformed hunchback utterly devoted to his Mistress, Abedin.
Voice #1, Huma Abedin: Quickly, Ralphie. Gather the names!
Voice #2, Ralphie: Yes, Mistress.
Abedin: We need 37 names of dead people from this cemetery before we can go to the next ten cemeteries tonight.
Ralphie: Ten more tonight? Mistress, we’ve already been to eight!
Abedin: Ralphie, Ralphie, don’t you want Hillary to be President?
Ralphie: Yes, Mistress!
Abedin: Then we must get 11,000 votes from dead people in Florida in order to ensure the election.
Ralphie: Yes, Mistress.
Abedin rifles through the filing cabinets, reading from papers while Ralphie writes.
Abedin: Here’s a good one. Sophie Rosenbaum. She used to live on River Otter Way.
Ralphie: Can you spell it?
Abedin: R-I-V-E-R—
Ralphie: No, I mean, her name.
Abedin: It’s the way it sounds, you moron!
Ralphie: Yes, Mistress.
Abedin: Here’s another one. Jose Garcia. His address is 1101 Pleasant Valley Lane. How many names does that make?
Ralphie: Well, from the time we started earlier tonight, 18.
Abedin: That’s all? We have to do better or my mistress will beat me! See if you can find a list of all the people buried in this cemetery.
Ralphie begins digging through the files, reading them off to his mistress.
Ralphie: Here’s one called “Florida Gas & Electric Bills.”
Abedin: No. What else is there?
Ralphie: Here’s one called “Employee Food Allergies.”
Abedin: You idiot, why would you think that’s helpful? What else is there?
Ralphie: Here’s one called “Listing of all people buried in Shady Grove, with addresses and Social Security numbers.”
Abedin: Yes!!! My mistress will be pleased! Steal it, and let’s get onto the next cemetery. Where is that?
Ralphie pulls a piece of paper from his pocket and reads it.
Ralphie: It appears to be in Key West, Mistress.
Abedin: How far is that from here?
Ralphie taps on his smart phone.
Ralphie: According to Google maps, 350 miles.
Abedin: Good heavens! We don’t have much more time. Wait a minute, my cell phone is ringing. [Pulls her phone from her pocket] Yes? Hello?
[muffled voice].
Abedin: Is that you, Chelsea? Where are you? Phoenix? Good, good! What’s up?
[muffled voice]
Abedin: You say you have 7,000 dead voters from Arizona? Excellent! Your mother will be proud of you. Where’s your next stop?
[muffled voice]
Abedin: Well, put ten bucks on red for me. If I win, you can pay me back at the victory party! Bonne chance, ma petite chou!
[later, at Hillary headquarters]
Bill Clinton: So, team Hillary, how many votes did you steal tonight for Hillary?
Abedin: Mr. President, we got 11,000.
Bill Clinton: Awesome! Bwahahahaha! We beat Trump to the cemetery! That’s the importance of the ground game!
Ralphie: Don’t you mean “the underground game,” Mr. President?
All laugh hysterically.