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How the Democrats will get dead people to vote for Hillary



Scene: Shady Grove Cemetery, Tallahassee, Florida. Nighttime. An office – darkened, no light except for the moon through the window. A desk with chair, filing cabinets. The desk is littered with files scattered haphazardly. The room is empty, except for the ticking of a grandfather clock. Suddenly:


The sound of a window breaking. Scraping noises, thuds, muffled voices.

Voice #1: Be quiet, you idiot!

Voice #2: I’m sorry, Mistress.

A floorboard creaks. The clock ticks. A shaft of light stabs through the darkness of the office: a flashlight beam. The light illuminates two figures who have just broken into the cemetery office: Huma Abedin, Hillary Clinton’s assistant, and her assistant, Ralphie, a hideously-deformed hunchback utterly devoted to his Mistress, Abedin.

Voice #1, Huma Abedin: Quickly, Ralphie. Gather the names!

Voice #2, Ralphie: Yes, Mistress.

Abedin: We need 37 names of dead people from this cemetery before we can go to the next ten cemeteries tonight.

Ralphie: Ten more tonight? Mistress, we’ve already been to eight!

Abedin: Ralphie, Ralphie, don’t you want Hillary to be President?

Ralphie: Yes, Mistress!

Abedin: Then we must get 11,000 votes from dead people in Florida in order to ensure the election.

Ralphie: Yes, Mistress.

Abedin rifles through the filing cabinets, reading from papers while Ralphie writes.

Abedin: Here’s a good one. Sophie Rosenbaum. She used to live on River Otter Way.

Ralphie: Can you spell it?

Abedin: R-I-V-E-R—

Ralphie: No, I mean, her name.

Abedin: It’s the way it sounds, you moron!

Ralphie: Yes, Mistress.

Abedin: Here’s another one. Jose Garcia. His address is 1101 Pleasant Valley Lane. How many names does that make?

Ralphie: Well, from the time we started earlier tonight, 18.

Abedin: That’s all? We have to do better or my mistress will beat me! See if you can find a list of all the people buried in this cemetery.

Ralphie begins digging through the files, reading them off to his mistress.

Ralphie: Here’s one called “Florida Gas & Electric Bills.”

Abedin: No. What else is there?

Ralphie: Here’s one called “Employee Food Allergies.”

Abedin: You idiot, why would you think that’s helpful? What else is there?

Ralphie: Here’s one called “Listing of all people buried in Shady Grove, with addresses and Social Security numbers.”

Abedin: Yes!!! My mistress will be pleased! Steal it, and let’s get onto the next cemetery. Where is that?

Ralphie pulls a piece of paper from his pocket and reads it.

Ralphie: It appears to be in Key West, Mistress.

Abedin: How far is that from here?

Ralphie taps on his smart phone.

Ralphie: According to Google maps, 350 miles.

Abedin: Good heavens! We don’t have much more time. Wait a minute, my cell phone is ringing. [Pulls her phone from her pocket] Yes? Hello?

[muffled voice].

Abedin: Is that you, Chelsea? Where are you? Phoenix? Good, good! What’s up?

[muffled voice]

Abedin: You say you have 7,000 dead voters from Arizona? Excellent! Your mother will be proud of you. Where’s your next stop?

[muffled voice]

Abedin: Well, put ten bucks on red for me. If I win, you can pay me back at the victory party! Bonne chance, ma petite chou!

[later, at Hillary headquarters]

Bill Clinton: So, team Hillary, how many votes did you steal tonight for Hillary?

Abedin: Mr. President, we got 11,000.

Bill Clinton: Awesome! Bwahahahaha! We beat Trump to the cemetery! That’s  the importance of the ground game!

Ralphie: Don’t you mean “the underground game,” Mr. President?

All laugh hysterically.

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