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Thinking of becoming a Republican? Here’s how to do it in 10 steps!

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I know that I, and many of my readers, view Republicans as some kind of bizarre sub-species of humankind that, somehow, devolved from American liberal democracy into primitive atavism. Ruled by reptilian brains, lacking reason and morality, they have reverted to behaviors not witnessed in humanoids since Pithecanthropus wandered the Java lowlands.

But really, this extreme view of Republicans is unfair. In many respects, these Republicans just like you and me: family people, hard-working and patriotic. That secretary who works in your office—the one who unjams the Xerox machine and makes the coffee every morning—may in fact be a Republican. You never know!

I fervently believe that we have got to understand these people. Can’t we all get along? We can! So, along those lines, I offer this advice: How to become Republican in 10 steps.

  1. If you’re not already obese, become so, as soon as possible! Republicans are fat, and Trump Republicans—like Trump himself—are the fattest of all.
  2. Dis-educate yourself. You might have graduated from college, or even have a post-graduate degree. But if you wish to become Republican, you must get rid of all that useless stuff, like science, geography and math—and believe only in Republican propaganda.
  3. Get all your information only from rightwing sources: Fox “News,” Breitbart, InfoWars, the Wall Street Journal editorial pages.
  4. Develop an opioid addiction. I’m not saying that all Republicans are addicts. Nor am I saying that all addicts are Republicans. But a majority of opioid addicts are Trump lovers. We know this from the MAGA hats they wear, and from their glazed eyes. They also tend to drool and have trouble articulating.
  5. Live in a trailer. It’s even better if you use an outhouse.
  6. Learn how to make ugly, snarling, angry faces for all the Trump rallies you’ll be going to.
  7. You’ll have to learn to hate as you’re never hated before: Jews, queers, Blacks, Mexicans, Arabs, Muslims, liberals. No emotion is valued as much among Trump Republicans as hatred.
  8. Become an evangelical Christian. This may be hard if you were raised as a Jew, or as a liberal Christian (Unitarian, Episcopal, etc.), but if you really want to be a Republican, it has to be done. This also entails finding yourself a suitable preacher. Make sure that your preacher is at least as hate-filled as you are. See if Franklin Graham, Jr. is available. That dude really knows how to hate.
  9. Move to a Red state/district. This probably means you’ll have to live in a rural area. This will entail some adjustments for city folk; you instance, you’ll have to get used to your neighbors engaging in incest, or shooting, skinning and eating certain mammals you didn’t think were edible. It can be done—just takes practice.
  10. Step number ten is the hardest of all: You’ll have to learn to love such repellent creatures as Jared Kushner, the chinless Donald Trump, Jr., the wild-game killer Eric Trump, the failed fashion designer Ivanka Trump, and the former Eastern European “escort,” Melania Trump. I know, I know, you really dislike these ghastly people. I do too! But they are the Republican Holy Family, our Father, Son, Holy Ghost, Mother Mary and the Magdalene, rolled into one unhealthy amalgam. So get yourself some photos of them and put them up in your bathroom. While you’re on the porcelain throne, you can contemplate them, and achieve a deeper understanding of what they truly are.

And there you have it. I’m not saying it will be easy to become a Republican. But then, nothing in life that’s worth gaining comes easy. The best rewards come after overcoming challenge. If the struggle becomes difficult—and it will, believe me!—take comfort in the day when you finally realize you’ve become a Republican. No more worries about right and wrong! No more agonizing over the ethical thing to do! No longer will you have to figure stuff out—it will all be explained to you. Imagine the freedom you’ll experience at not having to think anymore! You will simply be and obey, happy to be surrounded by like-minded (or unminded) folk of your own kith and kin, in whatever trailer park you inhabit. Like the children in Village of the Damned, like the Pod People in Invasion of the Body Snatchers, you will have sacrificed something—your mind—in exchange for something far more valuable and comforting: a sense of belonging.


Impeachment: Where we’re at, and where we’re probably going

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It looks like this is where we’re at. The House will vote Articles of Impeachment, probably by the end of the year. These Articles will include obstruction of justice at the very least (concerning Trump’s illegal attempts to completely block the House from issuing subpoenas and doing its Constitutional duty to investigate).

The Senate then will be obligated to conduct a Trial. McConnell (may his name live in infamy) has already stated he will allow this to go forward. But Republicans say many things that they later retract, and McConnell in the end will do whatever his master, Trump, tells him to. And Trump may instruct him not to hold a Trial.

What does the Constitution say? The relevant clauses are in Article 1, Section 3:

The Senate shall have the sole Power to try all Impeachments. When sitting for that Purpose, they shall be on Oath or Affirmation. When the President of the United States is tried, the Chief Justice shall preside: And no Person shall be convicted without the Concurrence of two-thirds of the Members present.

Judgment in Cases of Impeachment shall not extend further than to removal from Office, and disqualification to hold and enjoy any Office of honor, Trust or Profit under the United States; but the Party convicted shall nevertheless be liable and subject to Indictment, Trial, Judgment and Punishment, according to Law.

That seems clear enough: The Senate “shall.” But we’ve already seen how Constitutionally-mandated “shalls” are routinely disregarded by this rogue administration and its Republican henchmen in Congress. U.S. law explicitly states that, upon request by a legitimate committee of the House of Representatives or the Senate, “The Secretary [of the Treasury] shall furnish such committee with any [tax] return or return information specified in such request…”.

That’s the law. But Trump commanded his craven Treasury Secretary, the chinless Mnuchin, not to hand over his [Trump’s] tax returns, in violation of the law. So much for “shall.” If Trump can nullify one law and get away with it, he feels he can nullify any law.

If McConnell does refuse to hold a Trial he, and Trump, and Republicans in general will come under enormous, withering condemnation. The media will howl—but Fox “News” will praise the effort, alleging that a “fake Impeachment” ought not to have been allowed in the first place…and it’s likely that the entire Republican base will support McConnell and Trump, as they have all along. Where will we be then?

Once again, in those uncharted waters of “a Constitutional crisis.” But we’ve there before, too, a dozen times, with this lawless, kleptomaniacal president in power. What can Democrats do, besides howl in indignation and await for the 2020 elections?

But let us take McConnell at his word; he has been, if not honorable, at least consistent in his fealty to Trump. He said he would allow a Trial, so let’s assume the Trial actually does occur.

Democrats will present their witnesses. An overwhelming case will be made (to the Senators and to the American people) that, yes, there was a quid pro quo. Trump threatened to withhold military aid and other favors from Ukraine, in exchange—not for anything in the national interest (which would be okay)—but in exchange for a personal “favor”: to invent dirt on Joe and Hunter Biden. That’s against the law. That’s an abuse of power, at the very least. After all the evidence is in, then what?

Chances are that support for Removal from Office (now hovering at around 50%) will tick up a few points—say, to 54%. It can’t go much higher, because Trump still commands the support of about 40% of the American public (what pathetic fools they are!). Even at 54% favoring Removal, the Senate will never see twenty Republicans voting for Removal. It may see none, not even the hapless Susan Collins, who may make the political calculation that voting for the Constitution is more damaging to her re-election than trashing whatever’s left of her morals and standing by her man, Trump. So the Senate votes to acquit. What then?

Trump Unleashed! Trump Unchained! “Vindicated!!!” he will tweet. “First the phony Mueller Report and now the phony Ukraine deal!!! Dems threw everything they had at me and they lost!!! Bigtime!!!” And so it will go. Republicans, triumphant, will be energized. The right wing media will break both arms patting itself on the back. Democrats will just have to endure a period of painful defeat.

And then what? Tuesday, Nov. 3, 2020 looms ahead. Let us suppose all the above (with all the uncertainties) occurs by, say, May, 2020. The campaign is in full swing. The Democratic nominee already will have been a foregone conclusion, or close to becoming one. All other issues—the economy, foreign policy, immigration, abortion—are swept aside in the maelstrom of the recent Trial and its result. The country remains divided; all is balanced on the knife’s edge of Nov. 3.

And then? My prediction, made with increasing certainty in light of the 2018 election results (Blue Wave) and last Tuesday’s election results (Democratic victories in Kentucky and Virginia): Another Blue Wave. Democrats retake the Senate and keep the House. Trump is defeated, and not in a close contest: he will obtain no more than 190 electoral votes (out of 270 that are needed to win). The Democratic candidate wins. But then something unexpected happens:

Trump refuses to accept the election results. In a shitstorm of tweets and Rose Garden statements, at MAGA rallies and on Fox & Friends, he rages against the Fake Election; he charges foreign interference on behalf of the Democrats (Trump loves to accuse others of the very crimes he himself commits); he urges his supporters to Resist (he even co-opts the name of The Resistance to him!); he commands “his” police and “his” gun owners to “protect the Constitution” and fight against “foreign and domestic enemies.”

Trump knows how to do this stuff really good: rile up his base and spread consternation among his political enemies. When and if he takes this step, America really will be in the middle of a Constitutional Crisis.

Have a great weekend!


Donald J. Trump – President’s Daily Schedule

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Thursday Nov.7, 2019

5:00 a.m. President awakes. Goes to toilet.

5:40 a.m. President emerges from toilet.

5:41 a.m. President opens Twitter on his computer.

5:41 a.m. – 5:59 a.m. President tweets.

6:00 a.m. President turns on “Fox & Friends.” Calls for breakfast: 6 Eggs McMuffins, 3 Diet Cokes, 2 bags Lay’s Potato Chips.

9:02 a.m. President arrives Oval Office.

9:03 a.m. President receives Rev. Franklin Graham for morning hands-on blessing.

9:04 a.m. President orders valet to spray antibiotic disinfectant on his (the President’s) hands.

9:05 a.m. President orders mid-morning snack: a bucket of KFC fried chicken.

9:05 a.m. – 9:15 a.m. President eats fried chicken.

9:15 a.m. – 9:45 a.m. President visits toilet.

9:46 a.m. President receives Majority Leader McConnell.

9:47 a.m. President departs for Trump Rally in Davenport, Iowa.

9:55 a.m. – 11:15 a.m. On board Air Force One. Film scheduled: Cheerleaders In Bondage.

11:15 a.m. Arrive Davenport, Iowa.

11:27 a.m. President departs Air Force One, after toilet stop.

11:28 a.m. President arrives at red carpet on tarmac. Greeted by Charles “Chuck” Grassley High School football cheerleading squad.

11:30 a.m. President compliments lead cheerleader, Cindy [last name deleted] on her performance.

11:32 a.m. President departs airport for Rally.

11:37 a.m. President arrives at Rally.

11:39 a.m. – 12:19 p.m. President delivers remarks to Rally.

12:20 p.m. President served lunch: Chicken McNuggets, meatloaf, pepperoni pizza, grilled taco bowl, one package of Oreos.

12:30 p.m. – 2:00 p.m. President’s private time in toilet.

2:15 p.m. President arrives at Davenport Marriott’s Presidential Suite.

2:20 p.m. President receives Charles “Chuck” Grassley High School football team lead cheerleader, Cindy [last name deleted] for private meeting.

2:21 p.m. – 4:02 p.m. President’s private meeting time.

4:03 p.m. Presidential snack delivered: Chipotle chicken tacos, McDonald’s French Fries, Carl’s Jr. Cheeseburgers, Fried Potato Skins, Cheesy Popcorn, Chick-fil-A wings, shaved snow desserts (lemon, lime, pineapple).

4:31 p.m.—5:02 p.m. President’s toilet time.

5:03 p.m. – 5:13 p.m. Tanning time.

5:14 p.m. – 5:30 p.m. Hair styling time.

5:30 p.m. President studies important papers.

5:31 p.m. President watches “The Five” on Fox News.

6:00 p.m. – 7:00 p.m. President eats dinner: Outback 24-ounce sirloin steak, onion rings, mashed potatoes and gravy, vanilla ice cream.

7:01 p.m. – 7:32 p.m. Private time in toilet.

7:33 p.m. Private conversation with Sean Hannity.

7:46 p.m. Private conversation with Lou Dobbs.

8:00 p.m. – 8:47 p.m. Presidential re-visit with Charles “Chuck” Grassley High School football team lead cheerleader, Cindy [last name deleted] for private meeting.

8:48 p.m. President showers.

8:57 p.m. – 9:13 p.m. President speaks with Russian President Putin, by secure phone line.

8:58 p.m. President receives White House physician, who delivers nightly “pill cocktail.”

9:00 p.m. President tweets while watching “Hannity” on Fox News.

9:06 p.m. President calls in to Hannity to talk about “the fake Impeachment.”

9:08 p.m. “pill cocktail” kicks in.

9:09 p.m. President removes clothes.

9:10 p.m. President watches “The Pee Tape.”

9:30 p.m. – 2:00 a.m. President tweets.

2:01 a.m. Final Presidential visit to toilet.

2:37 a.m. President to bed.


Red States: an indictment

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My readers know I’m not overly fond of red states, Trump supporters, evangelicals or homophobes. In many cases these categories overlap: your typical Trump lover is all four, in addition, probably, to being racist, xenophobic and ignorant. In my entire lifetime, there’s never been a president who so blatantly appealed to the worst of Americans…until now.

I was reminded of this, yet again, when I got a mass email (i.e., from a mailing list) that contained some useful information: a listing of the 20 fattest states in America. Here they are, with #1 being the fattest of all the 50 states:

  1. Mississippi
  2. West Virginia
  3. Kentucky
  4. Tennessee
  5. Alabama
  6. Oklahoma
  7. Louisiana
  8. Arkansas
  9. Delaware
  10. Ohio
  11. Michigan
  12. Maine
  13. South Carolina
  14. Iowa
  15. Kansas
  16. Texas
  17. North Carolina
  18. Maryland
  19. Georgia
  20. Rhode Island

As you can see, the first eight are southern states, and most of the rest are red (Trump states). Okay, so we can acknowledge that Trump voters are fat. But what else do we know about them?

Well, red (mainly southern) states have the highest rates of infant mortality as well as the highest rate of births to unwed mothers (Mississippi leads in both categories. So much for those wonderful family values they’re always talking about!) Speaking of family values, we also see the highest divorce rates in mainly red, southern states, with the exception of Nevada, which has the nation’s highest divorce rate—for obvious reasons! These same red, southern states also lead the U.S. in the poverty rate, with Mississippi, Louisiana, Kentucky, Arkansas, Alabama and West Virginia joined only by New Mexico for the poorest states in the union (and I suspect New Mexico is up there only because of its large population of Native Americans, whose poverty is high not because of a disinclination to study hard and succeed, but because of a century of broken treaty promises by the Federal government).

I mention these things not to shame southern red states, but to further elucidate whom these Trump lovers are. They’re fat. They’re sexually irresponsible, and as we all know, children raised out of wedlock tend to have far worse problems than those from happy marriages. And these Trumpers are poor–not that there’s anything wrong with that, but poor, rural, unhealthy people are not the type we want voting in our elections. And finally, before I end this post, let me show you one final statistic: the southern, red states of Tennessee, Alabama, Kentucky, Oklahoma, Arkansas and Mississippi have by far the highest rates of evangelicals in the country.

That is not a coincidence. It all ties together. The fatter, dumber and poorer people are—and the more they raise babies out of wedlock—the more apt they are to be evangelicals. Or we could put it the other way around: the more evangelical people are, the more likely they are to be bad citizens.

I wish that, in the Democratic debates for president, one of the candidates would have the courage to identify evangelicals as a threat to America. They won’t, of course, because they harbor a fantasy that a few evangelicals here and there in red and swing states will realize the awfulness of Trump and vote Democratic in 2020. This will not happen; trust me. Evangelicals are a lost cause. Because they don’t believe in facts or science, but in nonsense like the rapture and second coming, they cannot think straight. Which, by the way, is exactly how their preachers—Franklin Graham, Jerry Falwell, Jr. and the rest of the scammers and con artists—want them to remain: dumb, docile and credulous, tithing their hard-earned incomes to the church, so the preachers can live in their mansions and cavort with their sordid girlfriends (hello Jimmy Swaggart)—or boyfriends (hello Ted Haggard!).

This is what the Republican Party has become: a cult of the worst people in America, led by deviant preachers and a deviant president, Donald J. Trump. I’d love to be around in 50 years when the history books have the final say on this era. They’ll say something like “The U.S. came the closest it’s ever been to dissolution and disaster since the Civil War, due to the criminal reign on Trump and the evangelicals who supported him. Fortunately, enough Americans realized the danger before it was too late, threw Trump out of office and then indicted and jailed him for crimes ranging from tax fraud and sexual harassment to perjury, bribery and obstruction of justice. And enough Americans also saw the perversion of the evangelical movement and, in the 2020s, abandoned it in droves, so that it thrives in just a few isolated rural pockets today.”

Wouldn’t that be nice to read?

P.S. Beshear in Kentucky, the State House in Virginia. The Suburbs are speaking! Trump and his evil regime are going down! #BlueWave2020!!


White Trash: an American tragedy

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Nancy Isenberg’s 2016 book, “White Trash,” traces the history of this American underclass, and underscores the little-known fact that what we call “white trash” is not a new phenomenon, but has scarred the American landscape almost from the first moment Europeans set foot on our shores.

Isenberg reports (and I’d never before heard this) that large numbers of the original Britishers (including Scots and the Irish) that settled the new North American wilderness were considered undesirables in their home country, and were exported here in order to rid the Mother Country of them.

They were called “the waste people,” but acquired other monikers over time (all of these terms are attested to in the book through historical citations): filth, offal, sluggish idlers, losers, debauched, offscourings of society, parasites, landlubbers. They were unhealthy: had ghastly complexions, open sores on their bodies, with missing limbs, noses, palates and teeth, ignorant wretches: an early Governor of North Carolina called them “the meanest, most rustic and squalid part of the [human] species,” whose hovels had “dung and nastiness” on the floor.

The South quickly became their habitat. Northerners, who felt superior to them, argued that the “peculiar institution” of slavery had debased poor white people. Because labor was so cheap, white people did not really have to work; black slaves–a “natural servant class”–would pick the cotton and tobacco and do all the dirty work, leaving poor whites free to eat, drink, fornicate, forage, sleep and drink themselves to death, in the “dismal swamps” where they erected their shanties and hovels.

Needless to say, “gentlemen and gentlewomen”—the productive, educated class—did not much care for the waste people, who were a blemish on the “city on a hill” they were trying to build. Ben Franklin called them “the vilest and most abandoned of mankind,” a “scandalous Collection of drunks and low white servants.” His friend, Thomas Jefferson, called them “rubbish,” squatters who were the opposite of the “cultivators of the earth” who worked hard to build civilization out of the wilderness.

By the late 1700s the waste people were called “crackers,” described by a British official (in the 1760s) as “a lawless set of rascals on the frontiers of Virginia, Maryland, the Carolinas and Georgia.” Crackers—white trash—it doesn’t matter what you called them. Decent people knew what they were: an undesirable population, antithetical to American values if not actually dangerous, a people to be deplored. By the time the Civil War came, northerners had identified white trash as “the bogeyman of southern hypocrisy.”

Over the next century, the epithets continued to pile up to describe this class of vagabonds and illiterates: scalawags, poltroons, poor folk. W.E.B. DuBois called them “some of the worst stocks of mankind” and noted the irony of southern whites describing Negroes as “inferior” when the southern states were crammed with such “degenerates.” Today, we might call these people “trailer trash” or “rednecks” or, in Hillary Clinton’s apt phrase, “a basket of deplorables.” But the old descriptor, white trash, still seems the best.

They are, of course, Donald J. Trump’s base. They didn’t always used to be Republicans. To the extent they voted at all, in the mid-twentieth century they were for Franklin Roosevelt, and remained Democrats for a generation. Some bolted away from the party when it nominated John F. Kennedy, in 1960; white trash has always been anti-Catholic. More went over to the Republican Party after Lyndon Johnson’s civil rights laws were passed. In the 1970s and 1980s, evangelicalism swept through the south (and Midwest) like a prairie fire, and the unholy alliance of Reagan-style Republicans, unscrupulous pastors such as Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson, and conservative political operatives like Lee Atwater and Ed Rollins managed to turn white trash into solid Republican voters.

Which is where we are today. Sadly, this American underbelly, which has tainted our culture from the start, continues to metastasize, eating away at the vitals of American excellence and threatening our stability. I know it’s not politically correct to bash poor white trash: we’re supposed to reach out to one another to discover our common values (Obama constantly preaches this). But once you understand how loathsome this class is, and how feared they’ve been by men and women of knowledge and substance—how much they have undermined our country—how they have formed a third column of depravity and deplorability—how they continue to try and drive our country into the mud–it’s very hard to forgive them. They’ve plunged America into the gutter of this guttersnipe, Trump, and the clowns he surrounds himself with. The Founding Fathers hated them; Democrats and Republicans of good conscience alike have been appalled by them; and so are we, the decent citizens of America in the year 2019. What we eventually do with, or to, them, I do not know; but I know this: They must be resisted.


Jesus Christ rakes Trump in address to Congress; Trump tweets he’s “Fake” and a “Scumbag”

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Feb. 6, 2020

President Donald J. Trump’s annual State of the Union address was supposed to have been delivered before a joint session of the U.S. Congress on Tuesday night. But instead of hearing from the President, the assembled Senators and Representatives heard instead a surprise speech by an unexpected guest: Jesus Christ.

It was shortly before the expected 8 p.m. opening remarks by the President that Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi gaveled the session to order and made her startling announcement.

“Ladies and gentlemen, I have been asked to inform you that the President will not deliver his remarks in person. Instead, they will be electronically transmitted by email.” There were gasps of astonishment from among the 535 elected officials. Then, after a short pause, Pelosi resumed.

“However, in place of the President, we do have a distinguished guest. Ladies and gentlemen of the Congress, I have the high and distinct honor and privilege of presenting to you the Savior of the World, Jesus Christ.”

For a brief moment the Congress was stunned into silence. Then, as a burst of radiant light appeared over the Speaker’s rostrum, a quiet, silent figure, garbed in a simple white robe, materialized. When the assembled Congress realized that this was indeed Jesus Christ, it erupted in cheers and, in quite a few cases, tears.

Mr. Christ’s remarks were brief, but powerful. He said he had come to denounce the President of the United States, Donald J. Trump, in the strongest terms. “This man has dishonored My Father’s legacy,” he said, referring to God. “He has trampled on the spiritual values I preached during My earthly lifetime. This Philistine has locked children up in cages, and insulted the least among us: the poor, immigrants, the disabled, even our honorable war-wounded. He has repeatedly lied. He has declared war on science: my Father instilled in every person, Reason and Common Sense, but this evil President has instead appealed to people’s anger and resentment.

“There is no place in My Father’s House for this man. He is unfit to hold the office he currently occupies. Although I generally preach Love and Forgiveness, I cannot forgive him his sins. He has destroyed the fabric of America, a land I love, the light of the world. He is tearing the world apart, which My Father created in hope and optimism. I support the efforts of this great body, the U.S. Congress, to impeach Donald J. Trump, to remove him from office, and then to lock him up!”

And with that, in a puff of light, Jesus Christ disappeared from the rostrum.

Within ten minutes, Trump replied to Mr. Christ’s remarks. In a series of tweets unusually vengeful even for him, Trump denounced Mr. Christ in the most savage terms.

“Who was that pathetic loser?” he began. “That was not the Jesus Christ I knew and grew up with in my New Testament. That was a Fake liberal. Where has he been for the last 2,000 years—hanging out with terrorists and Hitler?

“Nobody should listen to that imposter! He is corrupt and evil. I have instructed my Department of Homeland Security to find out who this criminal is and arrest him! How did he get into the Capital [sic] Building? Who let him in? Was Phony Nancy Pelosi involved in this conspiracy? Did Liddle Adam “Shifty” Schiff order Capital [sic] Security to let this possible assassin in? We have to get to the bottom of this!!

“Those Demon-crats caused this crime. They are atheists! They don’t even believe in Jesus Christ. I am hereby outlawing the Demon-crat Party and ordering the immediate detention of every Demon-crat Senator and Representative. They will be imprisoned and charged with Treason!!! Nobody can say such Horrible things about me—the Greatest President in the History of the World!!! I am a Genius! That Fake Loser who said he was ‘Jesus Christ’ was probably a gay transvestite Muslim terrorist! He didn’t look like a Real Man to me.

“I urge my fellow Republican Americans to go to your churches NOW and demand your preachers and ministers denounce what happened tonight in the U.S. Capital

Building. To my admirers in the National Rifle Association and among the nation’s police forces, I say, Grab your guns and go out into the streets and Hunt Down that Fake Loser who said he was Jesus Christ!! He’s hiding someplace, probably in Washington. Go into people’s houses, search them and if necessary rough them up until they turn that Scumbag over to my Security Forces.

“If the REAL Jesus ever comes back he will CELIBRATE [sic] Me because He SENT ME TO THE WORLD! You know that. Listen, Americans, don’t believe ANYTHING or ANYONE except me! That was NOT the real Jesus. That was FAKE! Who knows, it might have been a 400-pound libtard in his mother’s dirty bedsheets.

“We will get to the bottom of this, I can tell you that! Thank you my fellow Amercans

[sic]

. Our country is safe and secure tonight, thanks to Me! Trust in Me, my friends, and in no one else!”

Meanwhile, Vice President Mike Pence, appearing on “Fox & Friends,” assured Americans not to worry. “I know Jesus Christ—the real Jesus. He lives in my heart. That loser in the Congress was not the real Jesus. Fake news! Don’t believe your eyes—believe your trust in President Trump. God bless our Christian nation! Amen.”


Reviews: Four wines from Domaines Barons de Rothschild (Lafite)

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Reviewing Cabernet Sauvignons and Bordeaux blends from around the world requires a certain juggling skill: you have to compare each wine as you judge it according to some standard, but what standard? Is a superripe Napa wine the ne plus ultra? Or a dry, elegant Bordeaux? You see the problem. I’ve given very high scores to ripe Napa Cabs, which was my tour d’horizon; but at the same time, I could always appreciate the comparatively drier, leaner charms of Bordeaux; and I never felt compelled to have to make a Solomonesque choice between them.

If anything, over the years my preferences have veered away from the superripe Napa style to a drier, more streamlined wine. I can’t explain why; it just is; palates change over time. Bordeaux teases, titillates, makes me look further. A superripe Napa Cab reveals everything right away, and can become tedious. Bordeaux keeps you searching.

I was sent the following four wines from the Domaines Barons de Rothschild for review. The DBR is the parent company of Chateau Lafite-Rothschild. They make different wines from around the world. These four (three reds, one white) from DBR all would be expected to adhere to the standards of Lafite, which is to say: impeccable balance, dryness, and Old World elegance. Do the wines rise to this standard?

Caro 2016 (Mendoza); $65.This is a partnership between DBR and the Catena family of Argentina. The wine is a blend of Cabernet Sauvignon and that Argentinian specialty, Malbec. I think of it an Argentine Opus One, which of course is a Napa Valley partnership between Robert Mondavi and the Mouton Rothschilds. The most salient fact about this wine is the alcohol level: 13.5%. You almost can’t find a Napa Cab that low. This means that the blackberry-currant fruit has a definite herbal character: also that mouthwatering acidity is pronounced. The overall impression is dry, smoothly tannic, complex. I loved sipping this wine. It offers something new every time. Now it seems sweet, now austere. This yin-yang keeps you coming back. Ageworthy? I suppose so, but why bother? Drink it now and over the next six years. Score: 93.

Chateau d’Aussieres 2016 (Corbieres); $38. I drank a lot of Corbieres back in the 80s and 90s.The wines were good and affordable; not many Americans knew about them. DBR, in the person of Eric de Rothschild, invested in the area in 1999, his vision (according to DBR’s marketers) to create wines crafted in the spirit of the South of France.” The wine, true to that spirit, is a blend of Syrah, Grenache, Mourvedre and Carignan. But it differs significantly from the memory of wines of my younger years in two respects: first, it’s much oakier, and more tannic. What I liked about those Corbieres of yesteryear was their immediate and delicious drinkability. This 2016, by contrast, is inky black and quite tannic. Yet it displays a vast depth of fruit: blackberries and blueberries at the height of summer ripeness, black licorice, a wild, animal flavor of beef teriyaki, and a sprinkling of clove and black pepper. A wine like this presents challenges. Do you drink it now, or cellar it and, if so, for how long? My own guess is to pop the cork now and over the next four years. I do have to say that this impressive wine lifts Corbieres to a new level. Score: 93.

Le Dix de Los Vascos 2015 (Colchagua); $65. Le Dix is the “grand cuvée” of Los Vascos, whose wines are widely available, at everyday prices, in American shops. My first impression, sniffing the wine, was, “Wow. Oaky.” And in fact, it was aged for 18 months in new oak, according to the Los Vasco website. The blend is mostly Cabernet Sauvignon, with Syrah and Carmenere; the official alcohol reading is 14.5%. At four years old, the wine is a bit too young to drink now. The oak hasn’t yet been integrated into the fruit; all the parts (and they’re very good parts) are a bit scattered. But that fruit is considerable: a rich, ripe mélange of raspberries and cherries, not the usual, darker and heavier Cabernet blackberries and cassis. There also are spicy notes, a zippy orange zest brightness, and a refreshing, grippy minerality. The tannins are what you’d expect from a winery that can afford the highest viticultural and enological practices: thick, but ultra-smooth and sweet. It’s certainly a flashy wine, with a long finish, and quite irresistible. But as good as it is, it would really be a shame to open the bottle now. Better to store it in a good cellar and give it, say, another 4-5 years. That gorgeous fruit isn’t going away anytime soon. Score: 94.

Rieussec 2018 “R” (Bordeaux Blanc); $44. Chateau Rieussec is a 1er Grand Cru in Sauternes, and consistently produces one of the great dessert wines of the world. This is their dry white wine version, although it qualifies only for the Bordeaux Blanc appellation. Made from the same grapes (Sauvignon Blanc and Semillon) as the Sauternes, it’s a very fine wine. I was immediately struck by the dryness. You rarely if ever get this linearity in California (my old territory), where rich fruit is the name of the game. There’s subtle fruit here (tropical, citrus) but the main impression is minerality and white pepper. Streamlined, elegant and complex, it’s a delight to sip. Incidentally, I saw this wine on wine.com for $33. The price I quote, $44, is from DBR. Score: 93.


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