I was sent a bottle to review. It was the Keller Estate 2009 Precioso Pinot Noir, with a Sonoma Coast appellation. As you can see from the picture, the neck is enclosed in black wax, with a bulbous top that hides the rim. As soon as I saw it,
my spirits drooped. Uh oh, one of those. I hate these wax tops, but still, it’s my duty to open them. Sometimes, it’s not hard at all. The screw goes right through the wax into the cork, and even though there’s no place to properly rest the claw when you extract, it’s usually doable, although I do use extra caution because I don’t want the claw to slip and gouge my palm.
However, sometimes that wax seal is so hard that I just give up. That’s what happened with the Keller. I tried cutting the wax with the blade on my somm’s opener; it was like trying to cut concrete. I thought about using the blunt end of my chef’s knife, to crack the wax until I could break it and chip the whole thing off; but then I thought about the hundreds of tiny little pieces of plastic-like wax that would litter my countertop and the floor. Been there, done that. A flash of resentment arose; the Keller people are just trying to justify the price by putting the wine into an extra-heavy bottle and then enbalming it in that ridiculous tomb of wax. So I gave up.
Went to Facebook, put the picture up, and wrote: “I tried to get the hard plastic capsule off this wine and couldn’t do it without risking driving the corkscrew into my palm! So sorry, I won’t be reviewing this wine.” Didn’t mention the brand; didn’t want anyone to think I was picking on Keller (although, yes, it’s obvious from the picture).
You never know when you put something on Facebook if you’ll get any replies or how many. In this case, as of this writing, 63 comments. Well, about 10 were replies from me, so let’s call it more than 50. That’s a lot of comments for a Facebook post.
One of the comments was from Keller’s proprietor, Ana Keller. A nice lady. She wrote her reply exactly 30 minutes after I posted. In other words, it took a mere half hour for my post to find Ana! It reminded me of Rick’s line, in Casablanca: Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world, she walks into mine. That is the power of social media! I don’t know how Ana found out, who told her, etc. But it blows my mind that information passes so quickly around the world.
It seems to me, reading the comments, that other people are bothered by this trend to put wine into impressive packaging as a statement. I’m not picking on Keller; lots of wineries do it. I try to put myself into their shoes. Their thinking must be, “We worked really hard on making the best wine we could, and it deserves to be perceived as special.”
I can understand that. But there’s also a form of hubris behind it. What matters is what’s in the bottle, not what it looks like. In fact, if anything, when I see a big, heavy bottle and a fat, heavy blob of wax on it, my suspicions are aroused. Liptick on a pig? In most cases, I will admit, the wine inside a heavy bottle and a waxed seal is usually pretty good, but that’s not the point. The point is, We’re trying to make wine more accessible for people. Less intimidating, not more; friendlier, not less. By “friendly,” I don’t mean a simple, modest little wine, without presumption. I mean the physical act of opening it. Lots of people are actually intimidated by a corkscrew (which is why the screwtop has been so welcome). I sometimes wonder if the people who dream up these impossible seals have actually tried to open the bottle. If they’d put themselves in the customer’s shoes for a moment, instead of trying to make a statement, they’d realize that their creative bottling concepts can be self-defeating.
Maybe I’ll try again to open the Keller Pinot. I’ll use some of the suggestions in the comments: heating the seal. Heating a knife. That seems pretty silly to me–should a consumer really have to go through all that hassle?–but I have given the Precioso Pinot really high scores in the past (96 for the ‘05, 95 for the ‘07), so I might be missing out on something special. But I’m telling you, if I slice my hand open, Ana Keller is gonna hear from my attorney! (Just kidding.)
I don’t make this stuff up, kids, I just report the facts. I asked on Facebook, “What’s the dumbest thing you’ve heard lately about wine?” Dozens of comments. Here are a few. Enjoy!
“That shiraz and syrah are not the same grape.”
“that white wine has more carbs than red wine”
“Red wine is less fattening because it doesn’t have sugar.”
“You have to swirl your glass to the right in the northern hemisphere and to the left in the southern hemisphere.”
“I’m allergic to sulfides.”
“If there’s a punt in the bottom of the wine bottle…it’s a better wine.”
“That the vintage on the bottle has nothing to do with when the fruit was picked-and that I was an idiot for believing that!”
“That wine is actually made from the stuff mentioned in the reviews: raspberries, cherries, chocolate, cedar, road tar…” [This is one of my faves!]
“That if you lay down Sauvignon Blanc for 10 or more years, it will be worth a fortune.” [I wish…]
[Someone said] “Interesting, you’re copying the South Americans by putting Malbec in your Blend. You must not be a traditional California winery.”
“Consumer question: When it says the name of a river (i.e.Russian River) does that mean that was the water used to make that wine?”
“I’m allergic to the tannins in Merlot. Can I get a Syrah?”
“I was at a wine bar recently where the bartender told me that Piedmont does not have a classification system like the rest of Italy.”
“it was with a fellow tasting room person years ago, when a consumer asked, ‘What makes this wine sweet?’ The answer – from a supposed wine specialist – was, ‘It’s the kind of grape that it is.’”
“I found a mouse in my bottle, and, like, my cousin is a cop and he says I should get a free case.”
“(in discussing Champagne): Just like you can’t call a Pinot Noir a Bordeaux.”
“Oh look! Kendall Jackson is in California.” “What’s Kendall Jackson?” “It’s a white wine.”
“The cork is what removes the tannins.”
“Since you guys are a small winery, are your cases 6 bottles instead of 12?”
[from a winemaker] “pointing to my tasting menu [customer says]: ‘I’ll have a bottle of the number two.’ YUCK!”
“Do you still stomp the grapes like Lucy?” [Let’s not forget Ethel.]
“Wines over 14% alcohol absolutely do not age.”
[And the #1 Dumbest Thing Ever]: “Swirl Left for oak flavors and Swirl right for fruit flavors.”
I wrote yesterday that the California wine industry has been a little less than exciting lately, and let me tell you, a lot of people disagreed with that. Hardy Wallace asked, “Steve- What would excite you?” Brendan, at pinotphiles.com, told me to “use your imagination [to] come up with a ‘wish list’ of sorts.” When I didn’t immediately respond, Charlie Olken weighed in. “Come on, Steve…List a few.”
Well, I’m not sure that any one thing would make California wine as exciting as it used to be, so instead of coming up with my own list, I turned to Facebook and asked my digital friends, “What are some of the most exciting, important things the California wine industry could do this year? Let your imagination soar!” As usual, they didn’t let me down.
I got dozens of responses. Here are some of the more interesting. I’ll comment in italics where I think it’s appropriate.
Pinot Noir is going to be declared ‘balanced’! [John Skupny]
Figure out Nebbiolo [Joe Herrig] Maybe toward the middle of the 21st century, but don’t hold you breath.
Blow up all the AVAs and recreate them based solely on geology/geography and not any political borders. [Joe Herrig] I could go along with this, but it’s not in the realm of reality.
Reduce reduce reduce: oak, m-l, SO2, mega purple, liquid oak, micro-ox, etc. 🙂 [Beau Carufel]
Overthrow the 3 tier system. [Chris Donatiello] Tom Wark is doing his best.
Open up direct shipping! [Brook Drummond] cf. above.
Define an information system that encompasses farming, production, marketing, sales and compliance and make it freely available (i.e. open source) [Randy Hall] I have no idea what this means, but it sounds good, so I’m in favor!
Turn Lake Michigan into wine and invite everyone in for a party. [Steven Doyle] I don’t know what Steven Doyle is smoking, but I want some.
Lower prices of high end Cabs. Uh, sure. LOL [Jack Bulkin] It’s already happening.
Stop thinking of itself as an “Industry”. I have no interest in wine as a product of an “industry”. ]Ned Hoey]
A little less EGO please…it’s Rutherford not Pauillac. [Pearsons Wine Atlanta]
Move to Ohio! We need the money! [Tom Day] Not until you get rid of that awful John Kasich.
Study and encourage the practice of sustainability at the winery level, [J.C. Milam]
Grenache! Please! [Stefan Blicker] There are some good Grenaches, but good Grenache will not be a game changer for California.
Prohibition is OVER – stop with all the ridiculous legislation and give marketers the ability to actually engage with their customers! [Brigid Joyce Harris]
Celebrate diversity of wine styles, from the austere and elegant to the big and bold and everything in between. [Christopher O’Gorman] I’ll drink to that!
Try to make some quality tempranillo. What I've tasted out there that is done here has been mediocre at best. [Nickolay Todorov] See my reply to the Nebbiolo comment.
For the industry to start taking the millennial wine drinker more seriously. [John Tyler Wines] Memo to Joe Roberts: make this happen. Now.
Convince the average consumer to have fun with their wine purchases and be more adventurous. [Valerie Reichel Moberg]
I have enjoyed how social media has made the wine community stronger..allowing for more support for what others are doing…spreading the word together so to speak. I am hoping more will use social media to interact with their neighboring winemakers and promote this great wine region together..not on an island. [Gloria E. Marckesano Schaefer]
All close their doors for the month of July. I have no idea why or what it would mean, but I’m pretty sure it would create a LOT of excitement. [Duane Bowman] Don’t they already do that in Europe?
Get our crop in without it being frost-damaged!!!! [Larry Schaffer]
Create a plan to go back to dry-farmed vineyards. [Stephanie Trotter-Zacharia]
How about all CA wines sold in carafes only, without labels, to be put onto tables around the country and just consumed . . . NOT over-analyzed . . . (-: [Larry Schaffer, ibid]
Adopt classification/quality certification standards (that have teeth) for reserve and grand reserve that consumers can trust and appreciate. [Rich Reader] I can get behind this one.
Find a spoken of the caliber of Robert Mondavi to speak for the need for qualitity wines. [Calstar Cellars] Robert Mondavis, unfortunately, don’t grow on trees.
[This is Steve again] If all the above happen in the next ten years, California will indeed be an exciting place, probably the most exciting wine district in the world.
“What should I blog about?” I asked my Facebook friends. Here’s what they said, with my replies.
B. Wing: Wine. oh wait…
Dear B. Wing: Wait for what?
B. Leulliette: White Burgundies from the 2008 vintage…
Dear B. Leuliette: I’ll leave that to my colleague, Roger Voss.
B. Carufel: How about talking more about what you see, not drink or talk about, when you’re driving around California’s various wine growing regions.
Dear B. Carufel: I tend to be a mental, not a visual, person. But you raise a good point. I’m trying to think less and see more clearly.
E. Eden: what to drink after the election results (something celebratory OR something to cheer you up, depending…)
Dear E. Eden: I don’t drink during the day, so coffee is going to be my drink until tonight, when I will definitely need some cheering up.
C. Kassel: The fact that even if Proposal 19 fails we can still grow the shit in our backyards without any trouble?
Dear C. Kassel: Prop 19 did fail. I voted for it. But I don’t intend to grow the stuff.
V. Moberg: How the results will affect the political atmosphere for the wine industry
Dear V. Moberg: I don’t know that election results affect the wine industry. Per capita consumption goes up whether Democrats or Republicans are in office. I guess you could argue that if the economy improves it will be good for the industry. But do you really expect the Tea Party to single-handedly grow the economy and bring back jobs? I don’t.
M. Mendelow: What to do with the three bottles of Manischevitz Concord Grape that are sitting in our liquor cabinet?
Dear M, Mendelow: Not in my cabinet. In fact you won’t find any Manischevitz anywhere in my house. Not that I’m criticizing Manischevitz. Just sayin.
S. Feist: Sierra Foothill wine.
Dear S. Feist: I’m not covering the Foothills anymore. That is Virginie Boone’s new turf, and I wouldn’t be at all surprised to see some good coverage of that beautiful region from her in 2011.
D. Tudor: Tudor Wines Pinot Noirs score 90+ on every wine since 2006 : )
Dear D. Tudor: You wouldn’t by some bizarre coincidence be related to the owner of Tudor wines, would you?
M. Rodeno: What is Jerry Brown’s favorite wine?
Dear M. Rodeno: I’m working on it. I would hope it’s from California.
P. Gregutt: Wine or Pot?? Which is more fun?
Dear Gregutt: We’ll discuss this in depth next time I’m in Seattle.
R. Piper: Poll about the Giants trying to find a way to get rid of Zito’s salary from their payroll next year so we can sign the good players.
Dear R. Piper: Neukom is just gonna have to suck it up.
R. O’Maoilriain: How about, um, blogging about tomorrow.?
Dear. R. O’Maoilriain: How do you pronounce your last name? Answer me that first.
M. Healy: How about how beautiful the vines look now that they are changing colors?
Dear Margie: I can just imagine, being here in Oakland, how those magical hills above the Russian River look.
L. Narlock: Blog? Go out to the parade! Celebrate our Giants!!!
Dear L. Narlock: I’m outta here!