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From the Personal Diary of MICHAEL COHEN

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Dear Diary,

What the hell do they expect me to do, lay down and let ‘em fuck me over? That’s not how I roll! If the Feds think they’ve won the war, they are wrong! They won a skirmish. Now, I’m gearing up for battle!

Look, so what if I did go to Prague? I never testified under oath that I didn’t. I tweeted it, for chrissake. Everybody lies on Twitter. But even if Mueller can prove I was there, he has no idea what I did. At least, I don’t think he does. Of course, you know, Dear Diary, and I know that I was there as Mister Trump’s bag man, to arrange for the release of the Hillary and DNC emails on Wikileaks, in exchange for Donald dropping the Russian sanctions. And let’s just say some money passed hands. But let Mueller try to prove that! Bwahahaha, he can’t.

As for the Stormy Daniels crap, that’s gonna be a little harder. Fortunately, that damn Judge ruled that I have to see the stuff they seized in the raid, and then the Southern District can negotiate with me about what gets out and what doesn’t. You better believe the notes I made about my conversations with the President, about the $130,000, are something I’m going to protect as much as I can. I mean, if that gets out—well, it wouldn’t be the end, but it would be pretty bad. But I’m confident I’ll win that one.

I gotta hand it to Stormy’s lawyer, Avenatti. He’s a tough bitch. Reminds me of me, in a way. What he doesn’t know is that I am not a loser and neither is President Trump. We will fight, fight, fight until he’s broke and exhausted. Eventually he’ll give up. They always do. Besides, with the President’s poll numbers rising, the public mood is turning. People are starting to realize that Trump is making America great again. They don’t care about an aging porn star who just wants free publicity.

And now, this report about my client, Sean Hannity! Look, anyone who’s caught up in sexual scandal and blackmail, the way poor Sean was, deserves legal protection! Besides, the women in question all initiated the sex, not Sean. They came onto him—he’s a good Catholic and believes in the sanctity of marriage!!! If anything, he’s the victim! They took advantage of his goodness. So what if he paid them a little money to shut the hell up? That’s what money’s for.

Besides, President Trump and Mr. Hannity are very busy men, and these kinds of men need the occasional divertissement in order to amuse themselves and get their minds off business. So what if Donald or Sean Hannity consorts with porn stars and prostitutes? Let he who has not sinned cast the first stone, I always say.

Anyhow, I just saw that clip from Saturday Night Live that had Ben Stiller playing me and De Niro playing Mueller. What a load of horseshit. I can’t say I’ve ever been a Ben Stiller fan—hell, I couldn’t tell you any of his movies. I used to be a big De Niro fan but no more! That loser hasn’t made a good movie since Raging Bull. He’s just a washed up old has been. Typical Hollywood elite libtard snowflake.

So the battle is on! I’ll tell you this, Dear Diary, I will go down for President Trump! No way I’ll roll. Sure, I could guarantee his impeachment and probably even being sent to jail, if I told everything I know. But I won’t! The guy’s been good to me. On the other hand, I don’t want to get ahead of myself. Let me see what the Southern District and Mueller have on me. I mean, I love Trump more than my own father—but, hell, forty years in the pokey? I don’t think so.


Yes, he wagged the dog

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People are asking about the point of Trump’s missile attack on Syria. Aside from bragging rights about what a tough, masculine guy he is, what did it really do for America?

Trump assures us it’s “mission accomplished” (odd choice of words, given George W. Bush’s embarrassing statement), which leaves us to wonder what exactly the mission was. Meanwhile Assad, “casually walking” to work “briefcase in hand,” blows it off as a nothingburger,

We, the American people, have no way of knowing if the strike was effective, or what “effective” even means. A few buildings were blown up: so what? Assad remains in power, but even the tea party has no idea if they like him or hate him, since he’s anti-ISIS. So it’s a puzzle. What we can and do know is that Trump has succeeded, for the moment, in one thing: distracting attention away from his scandals, after one of his worst weeks yet.

Let’s face it, Trump wagged the dog, as Rachel Maddow reminded us on Friday night. Under the most intense pressure yet following the raid on his lawyer, Michael Cohen, and reports that Cohen really did meet with Russian agents in Prague, not to mention the gathering storm of the sexual affairs, Trump waved the shiniest shiny object in his arsenal: B-1 bombers and 105 cruise missiles. Nothing like huge explosions to distract attention! It worked. All the major cable news networks, even MSNBC and CNN, interrupted their virtually nonstop coverage of the Trump scandals to report nonstop on the attack.

Oddly, Trump himself still is obsessed with the Special Counsel’s investigation. Even as the bombs were falling on Damascus and Homs, he was tweeting: “No collusion! All made up by this den of thieves and lowlifes!” Lowlifes? Hmm. Pussy grabbing, anyone?

We’ll see, Mister President. We’ll see.

Democrats seemed momentarily off-balance. Most of their senior Congressional leadership is criticizing the attack, but only obliquely; they seem puzzled how to respond more fully. Pelosi called it “no substitute for a coherent strategy,” but then, Obama didn’t have a coherent strategy either. Chuck Schumer called it “appropriate,” but added, “the administration has to be careful about not getting us into a greater and more involved war in Syria,” a vanilla statement bland as milquetoast. These are contortions. If Democrats outrightly condemn the attack, they seem to be condoning the use of chemical weapons. If they praise it, they alienate their base, which loathes everything Trump does. So they have to thread the needle.

What do the few remaining independents think? They’re the ones that will either swing the Congress to Democrats this November, or allow Republicans to retain it. This is why I think Rachel—the most popular news anchor on cable T.V.—did such a smart thing. Before people could really absorb the news about Syria, Rachel planted in their minds the “wag the dog” scenario. That’s really smart. It now becomes part of the narrative—not “Was the attack successful?” but “Did Trump do it to help himself?”

Look, does anyone think Donald Trump gives a damn about 40 Syrians dying in a chemical attack? This is a man who in his entire life has never indicated a shred of compassion or concern for another human being, except, possibly, his children (certainly not his serial wives, upon whom he routinely cheats). Just two weeks ago, he promised to get out of Syria altogether; now, we’re involved over there up to our necks.

Who knows what really happened with those chemicals? Assad, the Russians, the Iranians and many others insist it didn’t happen, or was staged, or, even if it did happen, it wasn’t Assad, but someone else. Think about it: this chemical attack was a godsend to Trump. He needed something to buy him a little time and click his approvals up a point or two.

But can you, in the privacy of your heart and the honesty of your mind, really say you wouldn’t put it past Trump to orchestrate the chemical attack in the first place, so that he could say Assad did it and then bomb? Do you doubt that Trump has people who could make it happen and completely cover their tracks?

What Democrats and The Resistance should do now is to be silent on this, to the extent they can; if they have to comment because the media is besieging them, then give Trump faint praise, change the subject to RussiaGate and tax cuts for billionaires, and always, always remind people that this could be a case of wagging the dog.

Most of America already believes Trump is a dishonest, manipulative, amoral liar. From a political point of view, reinforcing that suspicion should be the first thing every Democrat does. I believe he wagged the dog. For that matter, I believe his current act, of getting tough on Russia, is fake. No doubt he’s already told Putin he has to pretend to be tough, for domestic political considerations, but assured Putin not to take it seriously. This is all part of Trump’s wagging the dog: Democrats should accuse him of risking nuclear war, and of killing people, for the sake of advancing his own personal interests. Putting Trump on the defensive is not only good politics, it pisses the hell out of him—and that’s a good feeling for Democrats weary of him and his regime.


The Right is freaking out over Trump’s lies

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The Wall Street Journal is scared out of their minds about Trump’s impending collapse, and Daniel Henninger’s latest foolishness proves it.

In politics, when your side has done something horrifyingly stupid, the usual tactic is to shift the blame onto someone or something else. You don’t have to be particularly adept at this: even if your lie is utterly transparent, it at least changes the conversation, and may put your political opponents off balance.

All politicians do this, but Trump is the undisputed master. Nearly every lie he’s ever told—more than 2,000 by last January, according to the Washington Post, “about small things and large,” in Jim Comey’s words—was designed as a smokescreen to shift the public’s attention away from his administration’s, and his own, misdeeds. Fox “News” does this a lot: whenever there’s a particularly devastating development in any of the various Trump scandals (porn stars, RussiaGate), Rupert Murdoch’s Republican propaganda machine can be counted on to ignore it in favor of peddling some wacky Hillary conspiracy theory that will get the Breitbart yahoos all in a tizzy.

Trump’s sycophants follow the same course, the latest being the Wall Street Journal’s hysterical columnist, Daniel Henninger. He can always be counted on to stretch the truth to its breaking point, as he did yesterday in his opinion piece, The Zuckerberg Collusion.

Henninger’s conflates many Republican lies into a single hatchet job on—who else?—Obama! His topic is ostensibly about Mark Zuckerberg’s testimony to Congress about Facebook’s misuse. But, of course, there was nothing helpful to the Trump cause in Zuckerberg’s testimony, which was essentially non-political, and that presents Henninger with a problem: he has to write about it because it’s big news, and he wants to write about it because the country is fixated on it; but he can’t address the real story—Russian collusion on behalf of Trump—because his job is to defend Trump, not do real journalism. So he has to make something up.

So what does Henninger do? Turn Zuckerberg’s testimony, and indeed the entire Facebook scandal, into an attack on Obama. How’s that again? Here’s Henninger’s B.S. spin: Why didn’t the Obama administration alert the American people in 2015 or earlier to the threat of Russian political subversion? Protecting us from Russian bots wasn’t Mark Zuckerberg’s responsibility.”

You can easily see the problem. It’s always possible, after the fact, to ask why someone didn’t do something sooner. This is a very easy line of attack: no one can defend not doing something to stop a potentially harmful attack. Someone could have done something sooner about Sept. 11, or about the California Wine Country fires, or any of a million other stories. Such questions can be turned usefully into formulating future strategies, but for Henninger to pretend that Barack Obama is somehow responsible for Facebook’s fake posts is scurrilous. One might just as easily blame Trump for the Parkland shootings: Why didn’t the president alert the American people to the threat from assault weapons? I doubt if Henninger would like that very much, and if in fact a liberal columnist wrote it, Henninger’s would damn the liberal to the depths of Hell.

It’s also weird that Henninger claims “Protecting us from Russian bots wasn’t Mark Zuckerberg’s responsibility.” Really? Then whose job was it? As Zuckerberg pointed out in his testimony, he runs Facebook. It is his responsibility to manage it in a transparent way, and to let us, the American people, know when and if Facebook was harming us. That’s what product liability laws are for—and Mark Zuckerberg is probably going to be facing his share of them by users whose data was given to Cambridge Analytica.

But of course Henninger doesn’t give a damn about protecting Facebook users’ personal data, or about the fake news that got his candidate elected. What he cares about (besides keeping his job) is diverting attention away from Trump’s mounting problems, and the fastest way to do that is by slurring Obama, or Hillary, or Pocahontas, or Oprah, or Daniel Hogg, or some other convenient rightwing bête noir. It’s what all those rightwing smear-meisters do: it’s all they can do, because the horse they’re backing, Donald Trump, is failing, and they just can’t, or won’t, bring themselves to admit it.

Have a lovely weekend!


Trump should take my advice

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What do you do if you’re Trump? The walls are closing in…every instinct in your body tells you to fire Mueller, fire Rosenstein, fire Sessions, just blow up the entire investigation and, if it starts to smolder again, stamp it out, as often as you have to, until the embers are cold and dead.

But you can’t do it. All your “friends,” lawyers and even your most pathetic sycophants are warning you not to touch that third rail. All your life—nearly 72 years—you’ve been able to do pretty much whatever you wanted. Ever since you were an adult, you’ve behaved as you pleased—you were a rich prick–and if anyone had a problem with anything you did, you threatened, harassed, bullied or paid them off until they went away, and you were in the clear again.

But you can’t threaten, harass, bully or pay off Mueller. So, for the first time in your long life, you’re having to deal with stuff you’re not prepared to handle. Your blood pressure must be through the roof! No wonder you exploded at that Baltic presser the other day. It was totally inappropriate—those poor leaders must have thought they’d wandered into an insane asylum instead of the White House. Everyone was aghast at your anger and disconnected ramblings. But it’s not really surprising, or shouldn’t have been: you’re cornered, like a wounded badger, and the only thing you know how to do is lash out and claw.

I’m almost tempted to feel sorry for you. Watching your Baltic meltdown, I half expected you to start crying. Your voice choked up, your throat tightened, it was truly marvelous to see. Obama used to choke up from time to time; so did George W. Bush. But when they grew emotional, it was because of death and suffering being imposed on innocent human beings. When you got emotional, it was because you feel unfairly treated. “They” are picking on you. It’s always all about you.

The truth is, the Mueller probe is about you, Mister President. But you were wrong, once again, to call it “an attack on our country.”  You are not the country, Mister Trump. You are an employee of the country. No President is above the law: ask Richard Nixon. That’s the way the Founders planned it. They foresaw the threat of tyranny when they drafted the Constitution. They had had enough of the “King of Great Britain,” who sought to make Justice dependent on his Will alone,” and they had no intention of allowing such autocracy to establish itself in the nascent United States of America.

But you don’t know that, Mister Trump. You don’t know about U.S. history, or the philosophies of the Enlightenment and the Age or Reason that are reflected in our Constitution. You are not well-read, and you do not understand law. The one thing you do understand, quite well, is what is good for Donald Trump, and what isn’t.

Unfortunately, that is not the right skill set for you to possess, if you wish to be an effective president. It can never be about you: ask any of the living presidents (if they even bother to talk to you anymore) and they’ll give you the best advice you never got: Don’t take anything personally. It’s never about the man who holds the job, it’s about America, about the American people, about being the leader of the free world. And it’s about the law! Don’t do stupid stuff, as Obama said. Well, it’s too late for that, in your case: you’ve already done stupid stuff. Now that you have, you can’t undo it: the dominos are falling, and they’re about to bury you.

So my advice is, take it like a grownup. Own up to what you did, and leave office. If you quit now, you might be able to exit with a little dignity, although there’s no guarantee that you won’t be prosecuted anyway for your crimes. You might even have to serve some time. Remember that some of the greatest leaders in world history have been jailed: Gandhi and Martin Luther King, among many others. Not that you’re in their league, or possibly could be. But when you start to feel picked on, think of these men. You’re old, but hopefully, you’re not too old to learn.


Faux outrage from the Liar-In-Chief

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Do you believe that Trump is outraged by what’s happening in Syria? Let’s take a close look at his tweet yesterday:

Many dead, including women and children, in mindless CHEMICAL attack in Syria. Area of atrocity is in lockdown and encircled by Syrian Army, making it completely inaccessible to outside world. President Putin, Russia and Iran are responsible for backing Animal Assad. Big price…

This is a man who has never in his entire life expressed an opinion about any human rights matter. Not once. He’s had plenty to say about business, taxes and trade, but has not uttered a single concern about people dying in war. How can he expect anyone to believe him now?

Besides, all the Washington insiders understand perfectly well what’s behind Trump’s new “aggressive posture” towards Russia and Putin. After years of his bromance with the Russian dictator—which has merely fed suspicions that Putin has dirt on him—Trump has to pretend to be tough with Russia. But it’s all fake. As McCain and others are pointing out, words aren’t enough. Will Trump back his rhetoric with actions?

He hasn’t so far. I’m sure Trump and Putin had a conversation that ran something like this:

Trump: Vladimir, I’m going to have to make believe I’m really angry with you.

Putin: I understand perfectly, Donald. Domestic politics. I have them here, too.

Trump: I just want to give you a heads-up. I’m going to say some pretty tough things about you. And I may even be forced to do stuff, like more diplomatic expulsions and more sanctions. But I promise, I’ll do the minimum I can get away with.

Putin: All right, Donald. Do what you have to do. Just don’t go too far.

At the same time, Trump continues his old game of distracting the media (and his base) from continued bad news by smearing Hillary Clinton yet again. Yes, after all the investigations and accusations have proven absolutely nothing against her, Trump just can’t let go. It’s hard to tell whom he hates and fears more, Hillary or Obama. Here’s his latest tweet:

Lawmakers of the House Judiciary Committee are angrily accusing the Department of Justice of missing the Thursday Deadline for turning over UNREDACTED Documents relating to FISA abuse, FBI, Comey, Lynch, McCabe, Clinton Emails and much more. Slow walking – what is going on? BAD!

It’s like a mantra that keeps repeating itself in his mind: “FBI Comey Lynch! McCabe Clinton emails!” How does the man ever find the time to think about anything else? “FBI Comey Lynch! McCabe Clinton emails!” Is it possible for Gen. Kelly or someone else to tell him to shut up? I will:

“Dear President Trump, shut up! There will never be hearings about Hillary or the damned emails. Nobody cares except you and the old conservative white Christian guys who want their taxes cut even more. You’ll go to your grave muttering about “FBI Comey Lynch! McCabe Clinton emails!” and even Melania and your greedy kids will be relieved to be rid of you, with your obsessions and paranoia. And by the way, Mister President, we’re already planning Impeachment parties across America, and you’re invited to mine, right here in the great City of Oakland, whose mayor, Libby Schaaf, sends her best regards!”

Well, anyhow, it looks like we’re taking down a bad guy—Michael Cohen, Trump’s fixer. It’s a good start: now we have to take down this illegitimate POTUS. Can Mueller raid the Mar-a-Lago? Stay tuned. I’d like to thank the Special Counsel and the Southern District of New York. At least some people in this government respect the law!


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