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Hannity interviews Trump

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SH: Mister President, it’s great to have you.

DT: Great to be here, Sean. Great show last night.

SH: Thank you. Sir, you deleted the “white power” tweet you had previously retweeted. Why did you delete it?

DT: Well, to be honest, I didn’t retweet it. That was an aide of mine.

SH: Who?

DT: Mike Pence. He has access to my twitter feed. Well, “had” access. I’ve since restricted him.

SH: Are you throwing the vice president under the bus?

DT: What bus? I don’t see a bus.

SH: It’s a saying, sir.

DT: And besides, I’m not in favor of white power. I’ve always said “People power.” That’s blue, purple, what have you. And orange. I like orange. As you know, Sean.

SH: Uhh—

DT: That’s the thing. But we’re making America great again, Sean. Greater than it’s ever been, greater than under President Jackson. With the new border wall and all that. And the respect of our friends and foes around the globe. America has never been more respected.

SH: The European Union just required all American travelers to quarantine themselves for 14 days. Does that concern you?

DT: Not really. There are lots of other nice countries besides Europe. My two oldest boys, Don, Jr. and Eric, are leaving next week for Africa to do some hunting. Some very lovely parks there, I’m told.

SH: What about the report that Putin is paying bounties to the Taliban to kill American soldiers?

DT: That’s not what I hear.

SH: Well, it’s in all the news reports. The New York Times reported that you were briefed on this.

DT: The failing New York Times, or as I call it, the enemy of the people.

SH: But were you briefed?

DT: Look, every morning they shove this massive pile of papers at me and expect me to read the whole damn thing. Most of it is made up. You know, I have liberals on my intelligence team. I’d like to fire them but I can’t. At least, not yet. We’re going to root them out. We’re–

SH: Even my network, Fox, reported that your President’s Daily Brief reported on that.

DT: Nobody watches Fox anymore! Too liberal. What the hell happened to you folks anyhow? You’ve been drinking the Kool-Aid, Sean. To be honest, I watch Sinclair now. That’s real news. And they haven’t said anything about this lie. What I did learn is that Crooked Hillary apparently has connections to Al Qaeda.

SH: Really? Can you tell us more?

DT: Stay tuned. This is big. It’s gonna blow Watergate out of the water. And many people are saying Sleepy Joe Biden has dementia.

SH: I’ve heard that.

DT: You ought to report on it, Sean. I mean, do you really want someone senile to be your president? And that wife of his. People call her “Crazy witch doctor Jill.” You know, they say she’s the power behind the scenes; he’s just a puppet.

SH: Speaking of wives, sir, how’s the First Lady doing?

DT: Oh, she’s great. Great. Working hard on her cause, which is—uh, which is—You know, she’s great, such an icon, setting an example for our great American fashion industry.

SH: She is very beautiful, sir.

DT: The most beautiful First Lady ever, they say. Aren’t you glad we don’t have dogs like Michelle and Laura Bush anymore? That was disgraceful. When we moved into the White House, Melania had the living quarters de-contaminated. You wouldn’t believe the mess those people left behind. Dirt everywhere, scratches, graffiti, lice, chicken bones.

SH: Many of the polls have you behind Vice President Biden, in some cases by double digits. Does that concern you?

DT: Not at all. When Sleepy Joe emerges from his basement and the American people see what a slobbering idiot he is, they’ll vote for me. They want to anyway, it’s just that the Fake Media has been feeding them lies. Like this coronavirus crap. It’s the Chinese virus, Sean. Chinese, as in China. Get it? Kung Fu, communism, dictatorship, the yellow peril. Chinese, Sean. China. They’re backing Biden because they know he’ll sell out America. Frankly when the people of Pennsylvania, Michigan and Ohio voted for me and all the so-called pundits said I’d lose I was telling people the truth about Crooked Hillary’s emails, and we now know that the traitor, Mueller or as I call him “Duller,” was secretly working for the Clintons and he was hoping to be appointed Secretary of State or some other high position. The fix was in, Sean. It was treason and they were and are traitors. But to answer your question, look at who’s doing these polls. Leftwing, liberal, in many cases socialist companies with terrorist ties. You can’t trust them. They’re making it up. And when I finish telling the American people the truth, we’re going to win this election in a landslide.

SH: You’ve been accused of using coronavirus as an excuse to cancel elections or slow them down.

DT: You mean the China virus? Call it what it is, Sean. The China virus is a threat to all Americans but it’s not as serious as the Democrats say because they want to defeat Donald Trump and look, the number of cases is going down—

SH: Actually, sir, it’s going up.

DT: That’s more fake news. Breitbart—a great news organization—reported on this yesterday, or last week. The curve looks like this [he holds his arm down at a 45-degree angle]. We have met this Chinese invasion the greatest since any administration ever before and that includes World War Two and while I am your president I will not allow the Chinese to invade our country with their Chinese virus or what some people call the Kung flu, which by the way why did Michelle Obama go to China last month? What do we really know? Who did she have secret meetings with? That’s something you should report, Sean, get to the bottom of it.

SH: Mister President, sir, you’ve suffered some Supreme Court losses in the past few weeks.

DT: Well, we’ll see, Sean.

SH: I mean, on gay rights, on Dreamers, and other things.

DT: Look, nobody’s been more of a friend to the Blacks than me. Look at their unemployment! They’re so much better off under me and they know it. Everyday, I have Black people come up to me and say, “Thank you, Mister President, for making my life better.” Because they know it. I pray with Black people. I’ve had supper with Black people. Black people serve me supper in the White House! I know these people. They’re good people. Not like these looters and rioters. They want to defund the police! Can you imagine that? You’re getting raped, you manage to get your cell phone and dial 9-1-1, and you get a recording, “Sorry, that is not a working number. The police department doesn’t exist anymore. Call Black Lives Matter, maybe they’ll come to your rescue.” I mean, can you imagine a country with no police? America was founded by police! That’s what these Democrats want, crime everywhere. Look at these cities, Minneapolis, Oakland, Detroit. Shithole cities. Nobody wants to live there. And that’s why they’re going to vote for me. They know I’m tough on crime.

SH: Well, Mister President, we’re just about out of time. Any final thoughts?

DT: Sleepy Joe is a low IQ person! He’s paid by the Chinese. By China. The same China that invaded us with the Kung flu. Nobody votes for low IQ guys except Nancy Pelosi and she’s older than Sleepy Joe! Have you seen her lately? “Blah blah,” she’s practically drooling. I call her “Adult Diaper Nancy.” I will not permit our wonderful heritage monuments and statuary to be vandalized. We had some great people there. This is a wonderful country. I say to young people, do you want your job taken by some illegal immigrant? I’ve been tougher on Russia than anybody including George Washington or what have you. Sleepy Joe is corrupt. We have to end Obamacare and replace it with something far better. Are there any donuts in the green room?


Trump gets COVID

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Trump woke up that morning feeling bad.

Granted, he usually awoke grouchy, but this was more than that: his head ached, his muscles hurt, he had chills, his throat was on fire, and the pillowcase on his bed was wet with what he suspected was sweat.

His first impulse was to ring the valet for his usual breakfast: a bucket of KFC Extra Crispy with a side of Mac and Cheese and biscuits, followed by a bowl of vanilla ice cream. But then he realized he wasn’t in the least bit hungry. That was weird: he couldn’t remember the last time he’d woken up not being famished. But not today.

Huh, he thought, trying to remember what he’d eaten last night, and what time he’d gone to bed. Oh, yeah, of course: he’s eaten alone in his bedroom, while watching Fox News. Arthur, his night valet, had brought him two Porterhouse steaks—well-done, the way he liked his beef; a plate of meat loaf; a cold shrimp salad—well, two, actually; three orders of McDonald’s French Fries; and a large chocolate shake. That must have been around 9 p.m., because he recalled Hannity was on (good old Hannity). He must have gone to bed around 10, just as Laura Ingraham was starting. He liked Laura, although sometimes she was a little too liberal, but he’d been really tired, so he called Arthur again and told him he was hitting the sack.

It hadn’t been a particularly large dinner, in other words, so it was puzzling why he shouldn’t be hungry now. Then he realized he was feeling a little hot. He rang the valet buzzer: it was Henry, the morning guy. Trump asked for a thermometer. Henry brought the digital one from the bathroom, and Trump inserted it himself in his mouth. After a few moments, it beeped. Trump removed it and read his temperature: 102.

Henry had been watching. “Everything okay, Mister President?” he asked. “Want me to call the doctor?”

“No!” Trump yelled, a little too loud. “There’s nothing wrong with me. This damn thermometer isn’t working.”

“I get you another,” said Henry.

“No.” Trump realized he’d been a little violent with Henry. “It’s all right, Henry. You can go now. And please, not a word of this to anyone.”

Trump turned on the T.V. It was still tuned to Fox. America’s Newsroom was on. There was a graphic showing how coronavirus was surging throughout most of the country. It was especially spiking in Oklahoma and Arizona, two states he’d just had rallies in. Of course, Trump would never admit in public that he trusted the numbers—one of his tactics was to call such statistics “fake news from Democrats.” But he wasn’t stupid; he realized that the disease was spreading. Could he have been…(it was hard to form the words in his mind)…infected?

He dialed Donald Jr. His elder son was one of the few people in the world he trusted. Junior’s girlfriend, Kimberley, answered. “Hi, Mister President,” she said. Trump wasted no time. “Get me Junior.” “He’s not feeling well,” Kimberley replied. “He woke up sick, with a fever. I’m thinking of calling the doctor.”

That jolted Trump. Don Jr. had been with him at both the Tulsa and Phoenix rallies. Could they both have…?

“Don’t call anyone,” Trump ordered her. She was a nice girl, Kimberley, hot… It was weird that she’d been married to that psycho out in California, Newsom. But Junior liked her.

“Why not, Mister President?”

“Just don’t. Let me figure this out.” And he hung up. If he and Don Jr. both had COVID-19, the public impact would be horrendous. He’d be a laughingstock, even among many Republicans. He’d spent the better part of the Spring telling the country that coronavirus was a Democrat lie, that it would go away soon on its own, that barely anyone would die. Then, when his own CDC issued their orders, with face masks and all, he’d told America that masks were idiotic, that nobody needed to wear them, that it was okay to go out to ballgames and malls and bars. If he, and his son, were now to come down with the disease, he’d be the target of every comedian in the land. He might even lose the election.

So there was only one approach: complete silence. Not a word was to be leaked to anyone. He would simply disappear from public view for a few days. He’d done it before; maybe go to Mar-a-Lago and play a little golf. He’d let the news cameras catch him from a quarter-mile away; the photos would show that he was healthy. As for Don Jr., ditto. No public announcements, no appearances, just lay low and keep your mouth shut.

That afternoon, the coughing began. They wracked his body with explosive blasts. The chills got much, much worse. The fever shot up to 104.5; he was hallucinating. At one point, he saw fiery, erotic devils, fornicating; and he heard hysterical laughter. Henry came in to say Melania was wondering if everything was all right, and could she see him for a few minutes? “No,” Trump wheezed. He took four Adderalls, hoping they would help him sleep. They did not. There was no respite, no relief. Agony was all this sick, desperate man had.


Trump at home

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Trump: [to his valet] Antonio, I have to go potty.

Antonio: Yes sir, Mister President. Number one or number two?

Trump: Two.

Antonio: All right, sir. Take my arm. [They hobble to the bathroom.] You’re walking better, Mister President.

Trump: At least it’s not down that damn ramp. I’ll tell you, I was afraid I was gonna fall on my ass.

Antonio: We wouldn’t want that to happen, sir.

[Trump does his business. Antonio wipes him.]

Antonio: That was a nice one, Mister President.

Trump: Six burritos. Don’t flush, let me get up and look at it. [Stands. Antonio pulls his pants up, zips the fly.] OWWW! Watch it! You caught my schwang in the zipper!

Antonio: I’m sorry, Mister President. It won’t happen again.

Trump: [Admires his excrement in the toilet.] No way Sleepy Joe could make that.

Antonio: No, sir. Now, let me replace your adult dipey.

[Trump lies down on the bed while Antonio puts on his Depend.]

Trump: Did I ever tell you about the time in the Moscow hotel room with those Russian strippers?

Antonio: Yes, sir. Many times.

Trump: I want something to drink.

Antonio: What would you like, Mister President? Coke? Chocolate milk? Lemonade?

Trump: wsuiirbf fubr qwepheo.

Antonio: Sir, I’m afraid you’re slurring your words again.

Trump: Ginger ale.

Antonio: Coming right up! [Disappears, comes back.] There you go, sir.

Trump: [Takes the MAGA sippy cup. His hand is trembling.] Antonio, hold it for me.

Antonio: Yes, sir.

Trump: Get Tony Perkins on the line. [Antonio picks up a land line, dials, hands the receiver to Trump.] Hello, is that you, Tony?

Tony Perkins: Mister President! To what do I owe the honor?

Trump: I hear Bezos stopped donating to the Family Research Council.

Perkins: That is correct, sir. He stopped all of Amazon’s contributions to us because we’re supposedly anti-gay.

Trump: He’s a bad person, Tony. A Communist. You know, he owns the Washington Post, which is part of the fake media, like the failing New York Times.

Perkins: Bezos is evil, sir. I believe he made a pact with Satan.

Trump: What can we do to him?

Perkins: Well, sir, you could—is this line secure?

Trump: Antonio, is the line secure?

Antonio: As far as I know, sir.

Trump: Go ahead, Tony.

Perkins: Well, you could arrest Bezos for treason, the same way with Obama. We could put them both on trial.

Trump: Hmm.

Perkins: Or you could have your fake Antifa thugs firebomb Amazon’s headquarters.

Trump: I think Bezos is queer.

Perkins: I’m sure of it, sir. I’ve heard stories.

Trump: Such as…?

Perkins: Well, about him and Soros.

Antonio: Mister President, it’s Kayleigh McEnany. She says she has to see you.

Trump: Okay. Sorry, Tony, gotta go. But keep up the gay bashing!

[Antonio brings Kayleigh into Trump’s room.]

Kayleigh: Mister President, I have to tell you something.

Trump: What?

Kayleigh: I think I’m in love with you.

Trump: Well, I—I—I’m flattered.

Kayleigh: Is that all? Don’t you like young, pretty girls with boobs and long blonde hair?

Trump: Yeah. That’s why I hired you.

Kayleigh: Let’s make love.

Trump: Uh, Kayleigh, I have to be honest with you. I can’t get it up anymore.

Kayleigh: What?!!?

Trump: It’s all the hydroxychloroquine. Apparently, a side effect.

Kayleigh: Mister President, I don’t care! It’s not about the sex anyway. I just want to cuddle with you.

Antonio: [Re-enters] Mister President, Vice President Pence is here to see you.

Trump: Okay, Kayleigh. Fly away. [She leaves]

Pence: [Enters]: Mister President, let’s pray.

Trump: Aw, Mike, do we have to? You know I hate that crap.

Pence: It’s good for your soul, sir.

Trump: I don’t have a soul, Mike.

Pence: Whhaaaaattt????

Trump: I sold it to the Devil for this job.

Pence: [Grabs Trump’s hand.] Let’s get down on our knees, sir. I’ll ask Jesus to reclaim your soul for you.

[The two of them get down on their knees.]

Trump: Mike, I can’t stay down here much longer. My knees hurt.

Pence: “Lord, please heal the President’s knees. And restore his immortal soul back to him. In Jesus’s name, amen.”

[Suddenly a lightning bolt hits them both. They disappear in a flash of light and smoke.]

Antonio: Mister President!! Mister President!! Can you hear me? [Silence] Mister President!! Mister President!!

[A Secret Service man comes rushing in.]

Secret Service Man: What’s all the commotion, Antonio? Where’s the President?

Antonio: [Thinking] I think he’s gone away. For a long time. You better call Nancy Pelosi.

Secret Service Man: Why?

Antonio: She’s the boss now.


A string on nextdoor.com

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Hi everyone, I’m getting tired of finding my garbage and recycling bins overturned every morning. Homeless people evidently are going through them for bottles and cans, but they toss everything into the street, and I have to clean up the mess. Grateful for any solutions/suggestions. Thanks, neighbors! – Greta, Forest Heights

Greta, with so much going on lately, that’s what you’re worried about? Put aside your petty concerns and get involved in changing the system that creates homelessness in the first place! Edith

Greta, great. Another entitled white person bashing homeless people. They should recycle you. Ralph

Ralph, just because you’re homeless doesn’t mean you have to insult Greta. How would you like waking up to garbage every morning? Alicia

Alica, For your information, I’m not homeless. You clueless c**t. Ralph

Greta, you might try keeping your bins in your garage, instead of leaving them out on the street overnight. Then you can put them outside when you hear the trucks coming. Soren

Soren, I don’t have a garage. Greta

Greta, There you go again, complaining. “I don’t have a garage.” Boo effing hoo. You have a ROOF over your head! Be grateful and stop hating on minorities. Dennis

Greta, you are over-consuming, to judge by the quantity of garbage and recyclables you’re generating. Simplify your privileged life! Think of the Planet instead of your next yoplait. MotherHen

MotherHen And what are you doing for BLM? Hugging trees? Jamal

Jamal I happen to be a Black Woman. MotherHen

Greta, try putting your bottles and cans in a separate bin, so our unhoused brothers and sisters don’t have to dig through your dirty garbage. And while you’re at it, they could use bottled water, canned food, and clean clothes. Houdini

Greta, I hope you’re disinfecting everything in those bins. Homeless people are at high risk of COVID-19. For all we know, you’re infected yourself. It is incredibly selfish of you to put infected bottles and cans out there. You could easily be a super spreader! I’mNotDoctorBut

I’mNotDoctorBut I have been tested, and I can assure you I’m not infected. Greta

Greta You may not be. But what about the people you live with? Kaplan

Kaplan I’m 83 years old, and I live alone. Greta

Greta Say, are you that hottie with the walker I see around Forest Heights? Want to get together? Geezer

[Private message to Geezer] Send me your picture through private message. Full facial, please. Greta

Dennis, Greta is not “hating on minorities.” All she’s asking is for them to be neat while stealing her bottles and cans. There’s no reason for them to make a mess! PillarOfReason

PillarOfReason Take your white privilege and shove it. Dennis

Greta, what’s your problem with the garbage workers? They work extremely hard to clean up YOUR mess. Have you ever given them cash for Christmas, or even acknowledged their existence, beyond complaining? Forest Heights doesn’t need newcomer yuppies like you. MrStenson

MrStenson, I have lived in Forest Heights for 37 years. I’m hardly a newcomer. But thank you for the idea of giving them a little something for Christmas! Greta

Greta, I hate to puncture the white bubble you live in, but many if not most of our sanitation workers are African-American. They celebrate Kwanzaa, not Christmas. Please stop being so racist and if you don’t like it in Forest Heights, feel free to move to Miller’s Falls! Cedric

PillarOfReason stop gaslighting! PercivalThePirate

Greta, why do you assume that your overturned bins are the result of “homeless people”? We have, in Forest Heights, many wonderful animal brothers and sisters: raccoons, oppossums, deer and the occasional badger. They lived here before we did, and when we took away their ancestral hunting grounds, we left them no choice but to forage through our garbage. What we have done to them is a holocaust. Please respect our animal neighbors and stop being so selfish! PetaGirl

PetaGirl, it is outrageous for you to use the term “Holocaust” to describe properly-controlled animal management in our city. Six million Jews were murdered in the REAL Holocaust!! That word should not be bandied about willy-nilly. Read your history! RabbiRob

PercivalThePirate Go fuck yourself. Pillar of Reason

RabbiRob, you are hating on animals. God hates you. PetaGirl

PetaGirl, kindly do not take The Lord’s name in vain. I pray for your soul. SisterSister

SisterSister While you’re at it, pray for mine. I need it. Dennis

Dennis, what Forest Heights needs is less people like you. ConspiracyBuff

ConspiracyBuff, Forest Heights was settled by Aliens, the same beings who live in Area 51. Ralph

Ralph, that whole theory has been debunked. You should read my new book. Happy to DM you. ProfessorPoopyPants

ProfessorPoopyPants But what about the garbage workers? MrStenson

MrStenson Go ahead and spread COVID-19. Maybe you’ll die! Ha ha. Kaplan

Kaplan We’re going into the Third Wave here in Forest Heights. I’mNotDoctorBut

I’mNotDoctor But that’s absurd! We’re not even out of the First Wave yet! Moron! Dennis

Dennis We’ll get through this like we got through AIDS. Geezer

Geezer How dare you compare COVID-19 to AIDS?!?! Forest Heights has no room for homophobia! GayGreg

GayGreg Forest Heights used to be a decent, clean town before the gays arrived. PillarOfReason

Greta [to all]. I’m deleting this string. [Private Message to Geezer] I like your picture! Let’s meet at the Senior Center at 3. Remember to wear your mask!


Trump, Kushner families divest from fake COVID-19 drug

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Memorandum

Top Secret

Need To Know Basis Only

From: Jared Kushner

To: Laurent Morali, President, Kushner Companies LLC

Dear Larry,

As you know, Kushner Companies invested $565 million in the pharmaceutical, hydroxychloroquine, earlier this year. The drug was to be manufactured at our factory in Bangladesh, due to the lower cost of workers and absence of government oversight. We took this step when we realized that the coronavirus pandemic likely would spread across the world, with the promise of even greater profits for Kushner Companies. It was estimated at that time that the Company would earn between $2 billion and $4 billion, depending on the severity of the outbreak and the effectiveness of our marketing.

Sadly, the Democrat-controlled Food & Drug Administration (FDA) has now rescinded the use of hydroxychloroquine for treatment of COVID-19. This is an outrageous decision, and my father-in-law, the President, has ordered a thorough investigation into how this travesty of healthcare came about. We intend to look into Democrat interference with the FDA’s operations, and criminal charges will likely be forthcoming against liberals in FDA management.

However, this does not decrease our financial exposure. Our legal team has determined that few people are likely to buy hydroxychloroquine, now that the news is out that it is useless against COVID-19. President Trump tried his best to sell the drug, and we did manage to sell approximately $150 million worth. But these sales did not offset our initial investment, and despite the President’s advertising pitch, it now appears that we will never recoup our investment.

As the owner of Kushner Companies, therefore, I am ordering you to sell all existing supplies of hydroxychloroquine. Get the best price you can, wherever you can, before the price drops to zero. I would focus on shithole countries in Africa and Southeast Asia, as well as Red States and Counties where the population has high rates of school dropouts and is prone to superstition. You might want to focus on Facebook for your marketing, since that social media platform is favorable to us. Mr. Zuckerberg, who is a personal friend of mine and a silent investor in Kushner Companies, has privately assured me we can make any claims we want, and he will allow our posts to remain.

Given the highly sensitive nature of this issue, I order you to take the usual discretionary procedures for this transaction. Have all business go through our friends in the Maldives and Cayman Islands. Use the usual third- and fourth-party fictitious entities and shell companies. Pay off officials as you see fit, within reason. See to it that my share is deposited in my Swiss account. Forward Melania’s share to her account in Slovenia. Under no circumstances may the President’s name be linked to any of this. Any leak of information, Larry, will be blamed on you.

[signed] J.K.


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