subscribe: Posts | Comments      Facebook      Email Steve

An interview with Sarah Huckabee Sanders

0 comments

Former president Donald Trump endorsed his former press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, at his Mar-a-Lago resort last Friday. Sanders has announced that she is running for the Republican nomination for Governor in her home state of Arkansas.

Sanders told steveheimoff.com how she managed to get her ex-boss’s endorsement. “It was simple, really. I sent him a dozen buckets of Kentucky Fried Chicken via Caviar, and that night, he called me and personally invited me to come to Mar-a-Lago.”

Once in the mansion, Sanders explained, she and Trump sat together over more food and reminisced about their time in the White House. “President Trump had finished all the chicken by then,” Sanders said, “but he had his Secret Service agent go to McDonald’s and get four dozen Big Macs with fries and Coke. And as we dug into those, the President gave me advice on how to run my campaign.” Sanders declined to say what specific advice Trump gave her.

She returned the following morning for breakfast. “President Trump had the table in his breakfast nook set out with a huge, elaborate display of a fountain of gravy splashing down onto a bed of biscuits, sausages and ham. Over breakfast, we both enjoyed a laugh over all the times when I lied to the press and got away with it.”

After breakfast, Sanders revealed, she and President Trump began planning their lunch. “The President enjoys food very much, as do I. I was raised in a Southern household, of course, where we had Negro servants who were very good cooks. And the President was raised in a household in which German food was prepared by his father’s chef, who had worked for Mr. Hitler during the war. So both of us lived a very rich life, in terms of food.”

President Trump inviting Sarah Huckabee Sanders to their third lunch of the day

Asked what lunch consisted of, Sanders laughed and said, “What did it not consist of? I swear, there was enough food for an army!” More biscuits and gravy. Honey-baked ham (“one of the President’s favorite snacks”). Grilled-cheese sandwiches deep-fried in chicken fat. Arby’s fries (“a particular obsession of mine”). And for dessert, Oreo Shakes from Burger King. “The President then asked if I wanted to weigh myself on his special red, white and blue scale, in the Weight Room. Well, I was a little shocked to be up to 290 pounds, which is about 20 pounds heavier than I’ve ever been. The President, who clocked in at 310, told me that I would need my energy if I was going to run a campaign, so he suggested that we have another little snack. And he had his butler bring out the most delicious thing I’ve ever had, which the President said he had invented himself. You take corn dogs, mash them into a mushy paste, then blend with two sticks of softened butter, and chill for half an hour. Then you bury them in a baking dish of peanut butter and milk chocolate and bake for 15 minutes at 350 degrees. Remove from the oven, lavish generously with whipped cream, and garnish with chopped bacon and fried onion rings. Mmm, so tasty! I told the President it was his greatest achievement since building the Mexican wall.”

At that point, Sanders recalled, the President’s close friend and advisor, Steve Bannon, joined them.

Bannon “bursting with pride” at being invited to Mar-a-Lago

“He said he was hungry as a horse, and the President asked him what he would like to eat. Mr. Bannon said it was a while since he’d had a good sirloin steak wrapped in pork belly, so the President called for his servants, and the next thing you know, we’re sitting around the pool, enjoying another feast. Mr. Bannon said how good he felt now that he was up to 320 pounds, at which President Trump said he’d be damned if he let Mr. Bannon be fatter than he was. So President Trump ordered 5 dozen glazed donuts and he ate them all without offering any to us. After that, he weighed himself, and it was 322 pounds. ‘Hah, you son of a bitch,’ he taunted Mr. Bannon. ‘I’m fatter than you!’ And Mr. Bannon replied, ‘Not for long,” as he opened his rucksack to reveal 20 salamis, which he proceeded to inhale.”

At the conclusion of my interview with Ms. Sanders, I wished her good luck in her Arkansas campaign. “Thank y’all, honey,” she said, adding, “By the way, do you have anything to eat?”


A Secure Telephone Conference Call Between Trump and Three Governors—Intercepted!

0 comments

(Steveheimoff.com managed to get this transcript of the call. I can’t reveal my sources. This explosive conversation took place last Wednesday.)

Present: Donald J. Trump, Gov. Ron DeSantis (Florida), Gov. Brian Kemp (Georgia), Gov. Doug Ducey (Arizona), Stephen Miller

Operator: Good morning, Governors. Please stand by for President Trump.

(crackling and crunching sounds)

Trump: You guys there?

All: Here, Mister President.

Trump: Sorry to keep you waiting. I had to finish my KFC bucket before Bannon got it. Hey, DooDooRonRon, how ya’ doin’?

DeSantis: Very well, Mister President.

Trump: Brian, Brian, don’t be cryin’, too bad about the lyin’ All-Star Game. We’re gonna take down MLB, just you wait and see. Believe me, those liberal bastards won’t know what hit them.

Kemp: I believe you, Mister President.

Trump: Loosey Goosey Governor Ducey, how’s that grip?

Ducey: Working on it, Mister President. Got a new 8-iron with a titanium shaft and—

Trump: Don’t care. Look, Governors, I want to acknowledge your work in voter suppression. Very good! But it’s not enough. The enemy will still figure out ways to get around it, and, as you know, full voter turnout will mean that no Republican ever gets elected president again. We don’t want that, do we?

All: No, Mister President.

Trump: So you’re probably wondering what we’re gonna do about it. Well, let me bring in my point man on voting–my Immigration guru, and your favorite QAnon personality, Mister Stephen Miller! Steve, take it.

Miller: Thank you, Mister President. Good morning, Governors. Now, I’ve been thinking a lot about this. We were so close to victory in 2020, and even closer on Jan. 6, but these goddamned Antifa radicals stole the election by some very dubious, illegal means, supported by the lying lamestream media. So we have to combat them. Now, the President and me appreciate what y’all have done in your states, but it’s obvious we have to do more. Problem is, we’ve probably achieved as much as we can through legislative means, so we’re gonna have to go into extra-legislative, or you might say extra-judicial means, in order to win in 2022.

All: Sounds good.

Miller: Uh, now what I say here has to stay here. Understood?

All: Understood, sir.

Miller: Because this is a matter of the greatest sensitivity, and we have to—

Trump: Oh, shut up, Miller. Look, Governors, we’re going to stop colored people from voting. A “final solution” to the problem. If we don’t, they’re gonna find ways around all your voter suppression laws, because radical Muslims like that awful Stacey Abrams or Stacey “Antifa” as I call her are gonna help them do it, with hundreds of millions of dollars supplied by crazy Jewish billionaires like George Soros and Bloomberg. So we have to play hardball. I’ve been getting you guys ready for hardball for years, haven’t I?

All: Yes, Mister President.

Trump: If there’s one thing I’ve taught you, it’s that there’s no room for sympathy, or softness, or compassion. You gotta man up! We have got to employ the most brutal means in order to Make America Great Again. Miller, take it back.

Miller: Thank you, Mister President. So, Governors, we’ve been working on, uh, chemical means of eliminating colored people from voting, and the most promising was developed by our good friend, the brilliant doctor, Scott Atlas. He’s invented something called Carcino-Melano, or CM for short. It’s a DNA-based substance that turns the melanin molecule into a protein capable of passing through the blood-brain barrier and immobilizing the cerebral cortex. Now, the reason this is important is because—

Trump: Oh, shut up, Miller. Look, Governors, do I have to paint you a picture? Who has melanin?

(The three Governors are silent)

Kemp: Uh, just a guess…colored people?

Trump: There’s intelligent life in Georgia! Precisely. Dr. Atlas figured out that, if you can turn melanin into a brain fog agent, we can solve the voting problem from within instead of from without.

Miller: It’s exactly what the President says. We can ensure that colored people are too stoned to vote.

(Gasps all around)

Ducey: Brilliant!

DeSantis: Incredible!

Kemp: Praise Jesus!

Trump: Keep going, Miller.

Miller: Thank you, Mister President. So, Governors, here’s the plan. We’re going to manufacture Carcino-Melano in huge quantities at our Fort Detrick biowarfare facility in Maryland. Then we’ll supply you with enough doses for all the colored people in your state. All you have to do is dump the CM into your reservoirs a few days before Election Day. It will have a minimal impact on white people—a little diarrhea, at worst. But it will absolutely prevent colored people from being able to vote. Dr. Atlas actually tested it during the recent Nigerian elections and it had a success rate of 90%.

Trump: If no colored people vote, no Democrats win! This is huge, Governors! So who’s in?

All: We’re all in!

Trump: Excellent. Very good. I’m proud of you patriots. Now, not a word of this to anyone, right? This convo never happened. If you have any questions about anything, your cut-out is Sarah Huckabee Sanders. I’ll get you her number. All right, Governors, gotta go! Playin’ golf with my favorite guy, Mike Lindell. By the way, he’s offering each of you a 20% discount on any order at MyPillow.

Operator: Gentlemen, this concludes this conference call with President Trump. Have a nice day.


An interview with Karen

2 comments

Steveheimoff.com has obtained an exclusive interview with Karen, her first ever on a blog. Karen, who requested that I not publish her last name since she’s afraid of reprisals from liberals, is a housewife in a small midwestern town. During our chat, her three young children were playing a rambunctious make-believe shooting game, while the family Rottweiler chased after them barking. She gave me coffee and toast with jam as we chatted.

SH: Karen, tell us a little about yourself.

K: I’m just a normal, American housewife, happily married and raising three great kids in the suburbs. I’m concerned about our country losing its ways.

SH: What do you mean by “losing its ways”?

K: Well, you know. It’s mainly the Communism, or what have you.

SH: Communism?

K: Yes. Like they have in Cuba, or China. We don’t want that kind of atheism here. At least, I don’t.

SH: How do you see Communism invading our country?

K: Oh, you know, the Democrat Party.

SH: Please explain.

K: Well, like Hillary Clinton’s emails. You know? And that business about Ben—how do you say it?

SH: Benghazi.

K: Exactly. And Obama being born in Africa, which is a Communist country. And doesn’t that Nancy Pelosi have a Chinese husband?

SH: I don’t think so.

K: Well, somebody on Hannity said something like that.

SH: Karen, I have to ask you about something controversial.

K: I know. “The Karen thing.”

SH: Your name has become a meme for an entitled white woman who demands that everything go her way. What do you think about that?

K: So unfair. I’ll tell ya, Steve, I’m nothing of that kind. I’m a decent, God-fearing Christian woman who would give a colored person the clothes off her back. And I’m talking Isaac Mizrahi, not Kmart.

SH: How do you think “the Karen thing” started?

K: Well, all I know is that, approximately two years ago, I was shopping at Dillard’s, you know, the one down in Middleton, because with Spring coming I wanted a sleeveless top in a pretty color, like robin’s egg or lilac, and they were having a sale. I could have found something on QVC but, to tell you the truth, it was such a nice day, and the kids were driving me crazy, so I told Brittany—that’s my oldest, you know—to keep an eye on her sisters and I’d be back in a couple hours. And I’m in Dillard’s but I can’t find the item I’m looking for, and I know it has to be there because it’s displayed in the front window. So I go to the clerk in “Women’s Petite”—I’m a size 2, you know—and I asked her for help but she was kind of snitty, you know how these store clerks can be, and she said if the item was all sold out, then it was all sold out. Well, I didn’t like her attitude at all, I can tell you that! So I asked to see her manager.

SH: Yes, that was the incident than ended up on Sixty Minutes.

K: Exactly.

SH: The clerk was Black, right?

K: Yes, but that had nothing to do with anything. It was her attitude. And Sixty Minutes made me out like a monster!

SH: The manager sided with the clerk, as I recall. She said the item was no longer in stock.

K: Then why did they display it in the window? That’s what I wanted to know. “This is unacceptable!” I told her.

SH: The manager was an Asian woman, right?

K: Yes. And it is not true that I told her to go back where she came from! I did inform her that Dillard’s would lose my business because of their unprofessionalism, and I would tell all my friends not to shop there either. Well, the manager got very huffy and said I was free to leave the store and take my business elsewhere. I thought that was so disrespectful! “I don’t work for you, missy,” I told her, “you work for me!” Well, evidently the whole thing was caught on a security camera, because the next thing I know, I get a call from a Sixty Minutes producer, and suddenly I’m famous.

SH: You told the New York Times you thought you were the victim.

K: Of course! How would you feel? I mean, I wasted an hour in that store because of their false advertising. My husband, Chad, was so embarrassed by all the publicity, and my kids were being bullied at school. That’s when I sat down and wrote a letter to Melania.

SH: Melania Trump, who at the time was First Lady.

K: Precisely. Such a beautiful woman, too, so poised and dignified—unlike her predecessor, if you know what I mean. And it was amazing, because Mrs. Trump actually sent me back a personal letter, saying if I was ever in Washington, would I have tea with her? But that was right before the election, you know, the rigged one that Mr. Biden “won,” quote-unquote. So I never did get to the White House.

SH: Well, now that you’ve become a meme, what’s your life like?

K: Well, I’ll tell ya. I’ve been approached by some very powerful people who are urging me to run for Congress here in the District.

SH: Your District is already represented by a conservative Republican.

K: Well, I don’t know how conservative he really is. He voted to fund school lunches, which as you know is a form of Communist reparations.

SH: How do you know that?

K: Oh, it was on Laura Ingraham. Actually—and don’t quote me on this, please, it’ll get me in trouble!—our current Representative is, in my opinion, a Communist.

SH: He’s a Presbyterian who teaches Sunday School.

K: It’s a front. And his wife is—can you believe it?—Asian. Don’t you think it’s time to Make America Great Again?

SH: Well, Karen, I’m afraid we’re out of time. But I’d like to thank you for giving me your first-ever interview on a blog.

K: Well, thank you, and bless you. You have no idea how troubling this whole thing has been to me and my family. I just hope you let your readers know what a nice person I really am! And, honey, if you’re ever back this way, be sure to let me know!


Lifestyle coach, boyfriend charged in Capitol Insurrection

0 comments

A Texas boyfriend-and-girlfriend couple, Elizabeth Rose Williams and Bradley Stuart Bennett, have been charged with a variety of crimes, after video caught them storming the Capitol as part of the Jan. 6 Insurrection.

Williams, according to her website, is a “lifestyle coach” who asks potential customers, “HOW CAN I BE A BLESSING TO YOU?” and offers a “free 30-minutes one-on-one coaching call.”

Bennett was quoted as saying on his Facebook page, following the riot, “”TODAY WAS A REVOLUTIONARY MESSAGE. WE WON’T GO AWAY. WE WILL FIND VICTORY!”

Steveheimoff.com has obtained an exclusive interview with the couple, who insist that they are innocent.

SH: I’d like to thank both of you for agreeing to this interview.

Elizabeth Rose Williams: Thank you. Brad and I just want to get our story out to the American people.

Bradley Stuart Bennett: With the lamestream media so leftwing and all, we knowed we could trust you, Steve.

SH: So, you’re charged with violent entry, disorderly conduct and knowingly entering a restricted building. What’s your response?

ERW: Well, first of all, there wasn’t nothing violent about what we did, or any of the other patriots. We were peaceful and loving.

BSB: The only violence I saw was from the Antifa instigators.

SH: You saw Antifa? How did you know they were Antifa?

BSB: I can always tell, bro.

ERW: Oh, me too. They was definitely Antifa. One of them had a Hillary button.

SH: And what about the charge of disorderly conduct?

BSB: That’s so bogus. I mean, we was, like, little kids lined up to sit on Santa’s lap. Everyone was, like, totally chill.

ERW: You had to be there, Steve.

SH: And the charge of entering a restricted building?

ERW: Well, our lawyer told us not to talk about that, but—

BSB: It’s our Capitol, dude! We built it, we paid for it, we own it! How the hell—

ERW: –Bradley—

BSB: Sorry, babe. I mean, how the heck can they tell us it’s “restricted”?

ERW: Besides, there wasn’t no sign saying that. The only sign I seen was for handicapped parking.

SH: Brad, according to social media, you posted positive things about QAnon, and several witnesses said that, right before you stormed the Capitol, you posed a video saying, “Patriots [going] to war!” that you since deleted.

BSB: What do you know about QAnon, Steve?

SH: Only what I read in the media.

BSB: The media. Huh. Like the failing New York Times? The lying Washington Post? That b***h, Rachel Weirdow, on MSNBC? Dude, you seriously have to unstick your head from the sand.

SH: Brad, you also said on your Facebook page that the number of protesters was “a million to two million people.” Isn’t that exaggerated?

BSB: I got proof. There’s this here app—

ERW: The lamestream media said we was only a couple thousand [people], but them’s the same liars who lied about President Trump’s, what you call it? Inauguration crowd, which was the biggest in History.

BSB: I’m tellin’ you, dude, that place was packed.

SH: And you also said, on Facebook, that there might have been, quote-unquote, “a few weirdos” among your crowd. What did you mean?

BSB: Well, in any large-scale gathering, you’re gonna have, like, maybe a child molester or freak.

SH: Like Viking Man, the Shaman?

ERW: Steve, don’t you go dissing him. He’s a good Christian.

SH: Elizabeth, on your lifestyle website, you ask the question, “What do you want to be remembered for 100 years from today?” Do you suppose that, in 2121, you’ll be remembered as the rightwing trump nutjob who tried to overthrow the U.S. government, and was complicit in the deaths of five people?

ERW: I won’t be. I can assure you of that. I will be remembered as the loving, peaceful lifestyle coach I am, a beautiful person who develops essential oils to purify the body and soul, who lived her life with intentionality, and helped people become today the person they want to be tomorrow.

BSB: Beautiful, man. Just beautiful.

SH: You two have been released from prison on bond, awaiting trial. Are you afraid of going to jail? You’re facing some pretty serious charges.

BSB: No, man. Not afraid. You know why?

SH: Why?

BSB: Because we in the right. Trump, he have our back.

ERW: We’ve been assured that President Trump and Donald, Jr. will protect us. They’ve even agreed to pay our legal bills.

SH: Who gave you those assurances?

BSB: Can’t tell you, dude. Confidential.

ERW: But we’ll be okay. We’re gonna win this fight against the radicals, the liberals, the socialist Islamic Jew homos that is trying to take down America and keep it from being the White Christian Nation Jesus wants it to be!

BSB: Word.

SH: Well, thank you very much, Elizabeth and Brad, and good luck to you!

BSB: Bless you, bro.

ERW: And, Steve, let me know if you need any lifestyle coaching. To be honest, you look like you do.

SH: I’ll be sure to, Elizabeth!


Report from the vaccine front line

2 comments

It’s been a month since I got my second shot (Pfizer), and despite reports that lots of people are experiencing weird side effects, I’m happy to say everything about me remains normal.

That’s not to say there haven’t been any side effects. I began to notice a strong aversion to shaving, which coincided with an amazingly fast beard-growing capacity. I took this picture this morning.

Some of you might not recognize me, so I wanted to show it to you now, so you won’t be scared when we run into each other at Clancy’s Bar & Grille, now that it’s reopened. First beer’s on me, bud!

The chip implant in my arm doesn’t really bother me either.

At first there was a little soreness, but it went away quickly and was replaced with a sense of well-being. And the swelling actually accentuated my tattoos! I’ve learned to resist the impulse to smack people, after that first incident which was so embarrassing. The voices in my head sometimes throw me off, but they taught me how to tune into Spotify by tugging on my earlobe. Did you know there’s a Middle Eastern channel? I never used to like Arabian music, but now I do.

I’ve actually got to be friends with the guy who gave me my second shot. His name is Dr. Billy.

He smiled the whole time he stuck the needle into me. Such white teeth! We agreed to stay in touch. He’s such an interesting guy. We have the most amazing conversations. I hear him in this place that’s sort of behind the upper part of my nose. He always tells me where he’s currently giving injections. For instance, as I write this, he’s in Vice President Harris’s office, vaccinating her staff.

Dr. Billy taught me how to give injections, and then he gave me a bunch of syringes and a few hundred doses of “the juice,” as he calls it. He told me that the homeless people in Oakland are in desperate need of getting vaccinated, so I’ve been going into the camps at night. They’re really easy to inject when they’re passed out.

He told me that we can organize the homeless people into teams to give the vaccine to other Americans. He gave me hats to give them.

His idea is to have millions of volunteers organized in time for the 2022 elections. It sounds pretty good to me! We need healthy Americans if we’re going to have a good, healthy government!

There’s something I want to confide in you that Dr. Billy told me. He warned me not to tell anyone, but I know you’ll keep the secret! The China Virus

was actually invented by a Chinese doctor,

who developed it in order to kill half of Earth’s population, so that China can take over. This evil doctor sent the virus to an obese orange-haired Soviet agent in Florida, whose code name is “Sludge.”

Sludge agreed to spread it to every American. This evil genius was having a sexual affair with a famous American escort

who was sleeping with “The Mastermind,” a bloated psychotic named Binky

who was collaborating with Vladimir Putin to assassinate Hillary Clinton. The psychotic was angry because he had gained 600 pounds since the death of his mentor, Jeffrey Epstein, who was no longer around to supply him with pre-pubescent girls. Binky and Sludge were quite close. There were rumors, never proven, that they were the love children of Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun.

Hillary Clinton had said on the Dark Web she would pay $1 million to anyone who could get Sludge’s DNA to prove he was a Hitler/Braun spawn. Binky bribed someone close to Sludge, a young negligée model named Flambé,

who had access to Sludge. She scraped some samples off his toilet seat and sent them to her cut-out, a spy named Boris,

who was being paid by George Soros. The story gets complicated, but it turned out that a trillionaire named Jeff Bezos had the patent on the coronavirus and was making $10 for every person infected.

This explains why the Iranian government sent an undercover Mullah by the name of Dr. Fowzi to the American Centers for Disease Control.

Fauci, in collaboration with Soros, Hillary Clinton and a mysterious operative known only as “Q,” tricked the American people into getting the so-called “COVID vaccine,” into which Bill Gates had inserted the chip.

How did I learn all this? I was told by a friend of mine, Viking Man,

who has inside knowledge, and is making a Go-Fund-Me to pay for removing the chip from the 100 million Americans who have one. Viking Man is working closely with Sludge to Make America Chipless Again, which is surely a goal worthy of your support. Hail Sludge! Hail Viking Man! Down with Bill Gates! COVID is fake news! Jail Hillary! Vote for Binky! Flambé for President!

Excuse me, but Mr. Gates is calling. I have to go now…more later…


« Previous Entries

Recent Comments

Recent Posts

Categories

Archives