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Behind the scenes in the Trump bureaucracy

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U.S. DEPARTMENT OF THE TREASURY

Internal Memorandum

From: Deputy Secretary of the Treasury [DepSecTrea]

To: Director, Secret Service Division [DSSD]

From now on, Secret Service Division (SSD) personnel are prohibited from smuggling women into wherever POTUS is inhabiting. This includes porn stars, ho’s and strippers.

From: DSSD

To: DepSecTrea

POTUS will be very unhappy. SSD has smuggled women into him for two years and he expects process to continue.

From: DepSecTrea

To: DSSD

Too risky. Journalists are suspicious, snooping around. Cannot damage reputation SSD/DOT to satisfy sexual lusts of POTUS.

From: DSSD

To: DepSecTrea

If you supply us with names of suspicious journalists, we can take care of them.

From: DepSecTrea

To: DSSD

Details.

From: DSSD

To: DepSecTrea

Accidents happen.

From: DepSecTrea

To: DSSD

On advice of DOT General Counsel, cannot comply.

From: DSSD

To: DepSecTrea

Accidents happen to General Counsels too.

From: DepSecTrea

To: DSSD

You miss the point. It is wrong to assist POTUS in his adultery.

From: DSSD

To: DepSecTrea

So what do I tell POTUS?

From: DepSecTrea

To: DSSD

Nothing. Just stop doing it. He may not notice.

From: DSSD

To: DepSecTrea

Not likely. He had us smuggle in 9 women in last 2 weeks.

From: DepSecTrea

To: DSSD

Is it possible to bring him SSD women instead of outsiders?

From: DSSD

To: DepSecTrea

Negatory on that. SSD women not his type. He likes tall skanky blondes. SSD women mostly swarthy Lesbians.

From: DepSecTrea

To: DSSD

How about boys?

From: DSSD

To: DepSecTrea

POTUS shows no interest in same sex.

From: DepSecTrea

To: DSSD

DOT General Counsel suggests meet with CIA Director of Camouflage. Skanky blondes can be made to look like Pence.

From: DSSD

To: DepSecTrea

What if skanky blonde Pence and real VPOTUS are in same place same time?

From: DepSecTrea

To: DSSD

Awkward. Might try “separated at birth” scenario.

From: DSSD

To: DepSecTrea

Could work. But POTUS might not like having sex with Pence lookalike.

From: DepSecTrea

To: DSSD

No, you idiot, camouflage would be removed once skank is with POTUS.

From: DSSD

To: DepSecTrea

Apologies.

From: DepSecTrea

To: DSSD

No problem.

From: DSSD

To: DepSecTrea

Just got word from POTUS at Mar-a-Lago. He wants a skank tonight.

From: DepSecTrea

To: DSSD

How do you usually find them?

From: DSSD

To: DepSecTrea

We have Directory. The boys call it the Skanklopedia. Five hundred blonde skanks in all 50 States, plus three dozen foreign countries.

From: DepSecTrea

To: DSSD

Problem! CIA Director of Camouflage on vacation this week.

From: DSSD

To: DepSecTrea

I explained to POTUS Secret Service unable to help him this week. Very angry! Insists Service is sabotaging him. Threatens budget. Says Service “enemy of the people.”

From: DepSecTrea

To: DSSD

Not good! Bringing in WH Chief of Staff Mulvaney.

INTERNAL MEMORANDUM

Office of the Deputy Secretary, U.S. Department of the Treasury

From: DepSecTrea

To: WHCOS Mulvaney

Dear Mick, we have a little problem over here with the Secret Service. POTUS as you know expects Service to smuggle women into him. But for variety of reasons Service no longer able to perform that service. POTUS angry, threatening. Intervention?

From: WHCOS Mulvaney

To: DepSecTrea

Not possible. POTUS not in mood to compromise. Afraid Service on own. Destroy this communication.

From: DepSecTrea

To: DSSD

Back to Square One. Idea: How about Ann Coulter? She’s tall skanky blonde, right? Press would not be suspicious if she met with him.

From: DSSD

To: DepSecTrea

Not sure POTUS sexually attracted Coulter. Once heard him call her “ugly donkey.”

From: DepSecTrea

To: DSSD

Makeup? Victoria’s Secret underwear? You know, sex her up. My wife can help.

From: DSSD

To: DepSecTrea

With all due respect your wife, not sure anything can make Coulter sexy. But we can try.

[24 hours later]

From: DepSecTrea

To: DSSD

How did it go?

From: DSSD

To: DepSecTrea

Not good. POTUS furious. Says she wouldn’t pee. Says he’s hornier than ever and might start foreign war.

From: DepSecTrea

To: DSSD

Uh oh. Maybe bring in Secy of State?

INTERNAL MEMORANDUM

Office of the Deputy Secretary, U.S. Department of the Treasury

From: DepSecTrea

To: Deputy Secretary of State [DepSoS]

Milt, POTUS is threatening to start war unless Secret Service provides him with ho’s, which we at DOT are reluctant to do.

From: DepSoS

To: DepSecTrea

Did he say which country he wants to start a war with?

From: DepSecTrea

To: DepSoS

He did not.

From: DepSoS

To: DepSecTrea

Well, it would be a helluva lot easier if you just complied with his wishes. Last thing we need now is another war.

From: DepSecTrea

To: Secretary, Department of the Treasury

Sir: I respectfully resign from the office of Deputy Secretary for the U.S. Department of the Treasury. It has been a pleasure to serve you and our great President Trump.

NEW YORK TIMES

Front page, the next day

U.S. Deputy Secretary of State Commits Suicide

Wife says he was “increasingly distraught” by demands of job


Guess who the new Chief of Staff might be!

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It is with great pleasure that I can inform you my dog, Gus, is on the short list to Chief of Staff to President Donald J, Trump.

 “This is a singular honor,”Gus told me, when I told him I’d read about it at @realDonaldTrump. He added, “I’m looking forward to serving the president, and to finding all kinds of new places to go pee pee and poo poo in the Rose Garden.”

 Trumpsaid in his tweet that he had to choose among “many verry fine cannadates. The choise is hard. It’s all down to 1 persson and 1 dog.”

Trump is not known to be a “dog person,” but a source close to the Oval Office, who did not wish to be identified because he was not authorized to speak with the media, said Trump gets along fine with his daughter, Ivanka’s, poodle, Stormy, and would be fine with Gus. “I don’t foresee any problems, unless Gus poops on the White House floor.”

When this remark was pointed out to him, Gus grew indignant. “I’m a very well-trained dog. My Daddy taught me manners, unlike some humans I could name. Besides, if I poop on the floor, it’s because I’m sick! And you can’t blame a dog for being sick.”

The other candidate said to be under consideration for the Chief of Staff job, Republican Rep. Mark Meadows, came under criticism last night when his ties to the Ku Klux Klan were revealed. In 1994, Meadows, then an altar boy, attended a KKK rally led by the group’s then Imperial Wizard, David Duke, and he took an oath to “make America white, straight and Christian again.” Although Meadows has since called statement “ill-chosen…if I offended anyone, I’m sorry,” he has never formally repudiated the KKK. Trump is said to be “concerned” that hiring Meadows would be bad optics for a Republican Party already widely perceived as racist.

Meadows also has struggled with reports that he leads a secret life as a homosexual. Although he and his wife, Debbie, have two children, Blake and Haley, Capitol Hill insiders insist he’s frequently spotted in gay bars, cross-dressing as a curvaceous blonde with a certain similarity to Kellyanne Conway or Ann Coulter.Said one LGBTQ leader in the Washington, D.C. area, “Some of us think Mark AKA Marsha looks more like Kellyanne than Mistress Ann. But I, myself, think he looks more like Mistress Ann. Don’t you? Ultimately, it doesn’t really matter, though, does it?”

Meadows is said to be the choice of Ivanka Trump and her husband, Jared Kushner. Kushner’s religion, Orthodox Jewish, is strongly anti-gay, and he himself has professed a “distaste” for homosexuals. When he spoke at a graduation ceremony at Liberty University last year, Kushner said, “I’m not in favor of punishing homos at this time. We’ll wait until Moshiach returns, and then we’ll deal with them.” But Ivanka, who had many gay friends before her father became president, is said to be something of a “fag hag.” One source close to the First Family says Ivanka and Mark AKA Marsha “frequently have intimate luncheons at which they discuss fashion, celebrities and musicals.” More recently, Meadows was implicated in the infamous “pool boy” scandal involving Jerry Falwell, Jr.

As Gus’s father and Guardian, I realize that my life will be changed when and if he accepts the new job. I spent a lot of time in the White House during the Clinton administration, and also visited from time to time when Barack Obama was president, so I’m somewhat familiar with the routine. It can be grueling. Your life is turned upside down; the demands are such that you can be summoned to a meeting 24-7.  And, of course, with the likelihood that whoever Trump’s new Chief of Staff is, he or she will have to hire lawyers as Trump’s legal problems drag in the entire West Wing staff, it’s of some concern to me (if not to Gus, who’s pretty ignorant about finances) that my meager savings might be depleted if Gus gets indicted.

Still, it’s an honor for my dog to even be considered for so important a job! By the way, requests are already coming in from the media concerning Gus’s positions on various topics. In general, he’s not very interested in politics, but he does have some views. I’m glad to share them with you.

Border Security and“The Wall.”Gus, who is half chihuahua, has very strong opinions on our Mexican neighbors. “I love Mexico, and I love carne asada.” (As Gus’s Daddy, I can confirm that Gus does indeed love beef, but I don’t give him very much, as I don’t eat meat myself.) Gus also likes walls. “People don’t stop to think about it very much,” he avers, “but walls are very nice places to stop and sniff and maybe go pee pee.”

RussiaGate. Gus doesn’t watch the news at all. To him, it’s just noise coming from a box; he sleeps right through it. But I’m sure that, if Gus were to take a position on the Trump-Russian collusion scandal, he’d be against it.

Social Media. Gus doesn’t have atwitter account, or a Facebook one, or Instagram, or any other social media. Ashe puts it, “Dogs can’t really perceive images on computer screens, so don’t show me a picture of beef, give me real beef!”

Extra-Marital Sex. Full disclosure: Gus was “cut’ when he was a puppy, so he doesn’t have a sex drive. And, as a libertarian dog, he doesn’t really care if Trump smuggles porn stars into the White House for his sexual relief. “As long as they’re nice to me and give me doggie treats, who am I to judge?”

We’re on pins and needles here in the Heimoff household waiting for the final word on whether Gus gets the job. We’re told that the president himself will phone us if the answer is Yes. So exciting! I’d love to meet him, and Ivanka, and Donald Jr. (my favorite Trump, after the president himself), and, of course, Melania and Barron. We’ll keep you posted; I know you’re as anxious as we are to find out what happens!


The Trial of the Century will soon begin

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March 18, 2021

The White House today released details of the upcoming Trial of Republicans for Sedition, to begin on June 1.

The Great Hall of the Robert F. Kennedy Department of Justice, from where so many momentous announcements have been made, has been selected as the Trial Courtroom for the prosecution of Republicans who aided, abetted and enabled the criminal presidency of the now-impeached President Donald J. Trump.

Seated in the Chief Juror’s seat will be former Vice President Joe Biden, flanked by Associate Jurors Nancy Pelosi, George W. Bush and Hillary Clinton.

The accused defendants are Donald J. Trump; his son, Donald Trump Jr., his son-in-law Jared Kushner, his chief spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders, his Special Counselor Kellyanne Conway, Mitch McConnell, the former Senate Majority Leader, Paul Ryan, the former Speaker of the House, Gen. John Kelly, Trump’s former chief-of-staff, Mike Pence, the former Vice President, Stephen Miller, a former senior advisor to Trump, twenty former and current Republican Congressmen and women, and fifteen former and current Republican Senators, including Ted Cruz and Chuck Grassley.

All are charged with various counts of defrauding the American public, sedition, treason, corruption, violating election laws, conspiring with a foreign power, and conduct unbecoming to an American official. The penalties they face range up to life in prison.

The Chief Prosecutor will be former President Barack Obama, assisted by Harvard professor Laurence Tribe, Congressman Adam Schiff and N.Y. Governor Andrew Cuomo. Attorneys for the defense include Trump associate Alan Dershowitz, Fox News commentator Joseph DiGenova and former Senator Lindsay Graham. Rudy Giuliani, the former New York City Mayor, who was expected to be chief defense counsel, abruptly took himself out of consideration, after his disbarment last week.

The Trial is expected to draw tremendous attention from the world’s media. The White House announced that 74 news organizations, from 56 countries, have registered for press credentials. All pending business of both houses of Congress, as well as major Cabinet departments, is likely to be put on hold, as observers from both parties gather around television sets to watch what is likely to be the Trial of the Century.

At the center of it all is Trump. Since his Impeachment he has relentlessly proclaimed his innocence on all charges, attributing his prosecution to “the Witch Hunt of Angry Democrats, led by Hillary Clinton.” Dividing his time between Mar-a-Lago, his Florida estate, and his penthouse in Trump Tower, the former president has not been shy about appearing in public. Dinners at restaurants and golf are his pastimes of choice, often accompanied by one or more of his children, but seldom by former First Lady Melania Trump, who is said (by at least one entertainment outlet) to be considering divorce. Trump has aged visibly in the year since his Impeachment, gaining a considerable amount of weight, and growing his hair almost to shoulder-length.

His favorite hangout in New York is Club Bimbo, on Broome Street, in Soho, a haunt of prostitutes, upper East Siders out slumming, and rich European heiresses—strange company for Trump, who seems to be reverting to his late 1970s-era Club 54 lifestyle. He has a reputation as a big tipper, a gladhander who knows everybody. But Trump still doesn’t imbibe alcohol. Those close to him suggest that a certain white powder occasionally finds its way up his nostrils, but there’s no proof of that, other than his night-owl hours. Club Bimbo has some good bands, but Trump has never been a dancer. He sits there in his favorite booth, watching benignly over the scene, a paterfamilias lording it over his clan. Every so often, a rumor circulates in his circle, to the effect that he likes to dress up in pantyhose and leather chaps, and there are the perhaps inevitable tales of water sports. But little is known of this side of Trump’s new life, except for the prostitutes, a known quantity for him.

Some who know him say that he’s a different man now, chastened, more humble after the disgrace of Impeachment, and the looming possibility of jail time, not only for himself but for his family. He’s even been seen in St. Patrick’s Cathedral. But for the most part, Trump seems unrepentant, as angry as ever, determined to clear his name. He is not going away anytime soon—unless, that is, it’s to jail.

 


Live from the White House, it’s Trump TV!

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As he previously announced, President Trump has created his own T.V. network, because the Fox News Network is not conservative enough for his tastes. Programming begins tomorrow. This blog, steveheimoff.com, was given a secret advance copy of the schedule. Here it is:

PROGRAM SCHEDULE, TRUMP T.V. NETWORK

4 a.m. Tweet With POTUS. Early-birds will enjoy these before-dawn sessions of a sometimes-drugged President Trump practicing his favorite activity. If you’re lucky, he’ll have a Tweetstorm!

6 a.m. Donald & Friends First. Start your morning with handy wake-up tips from POTUS. See Pres. Trump make English muffins slathered in ketchup and M&Ms with his own hands! Watch as he stretches his ankles!

7 a.m. Donald & Friends. President Trump, Stephen Miller, Kellyanne Conway, Kimberly Guilfoyle, Devin Nunes. A lively hour of news and talk, from the Beltway’s favorite in-crowd. Fair and balanced!

8 a.m. Catch An Immigrant! A fun romp on the southern border! Watch President Trump’s favorite ICE agents hunt down and arrest brown-skinned criminals trying to sneak into America! Kids will love this adventure show.

9 a.m. Mornings With Melania. The gracious, beautiful First Lady of the Land now has her own talk show! Table-setting hints, flower arranging, fashion tips, and special guest stars. Today’s guest is the actor James Woods, talking about the movies he’ll never get to make because everybody in Hollywood hates him.

11 a.m. The Jared and Junior Show. Yes, it’s America’s favorite “bros!” Watch as they perform skits, musicals and jokes. See Jared juggle spoons! Watch Don Jr. tap dance in blackface! You never know when Eric or Barron might show up.

12 p.m. Trump T.V. Noon News. Sarah Huckabee Sanders presents all the latest breaking stories about Hillary Clinton’s emails.

1 p.m. Pray With Pence. America’s holiest-ever Veep reads selected passages from the New Testament and leads our nation in prayer.

2 p.m. The Three. Early-afternoon analysis and opinion from the always-lively trio of Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh and Alex Jones.

3 p.m. Trump T.V. Minority Report. Roundtable discussion featuring a rotating cast of Negroes, Mexicans, Homosexuals, Women, Cripples and Muslims. Not suitable for children.

4 p.m. Kill Hillary! Game show hosted by the National Rifle Association’s Oliver North. Contestants shoot loaded AR-15s at a giant face of Hillary. The winner gets to meet President Trump!

5 p.m. Trump T.V. Documentary. Hosted by noted historian Stephen Bannon, this features stories about the world’s strongest leaders and why they matter: Adolf Hitler, Idi Amin, Attila the Hun, Pol Pot.

6 p.m. The Six O’Clock News With President Trump. Our beloved POTUS sums up the day’s events with his usual fair and balanced analysis. Viewers will love the daily “Lock Hillary Up!” feature.

7 p.m. Dinner With President Trump. You never know what the Eater-In-Chief is going to be having. Chicken McNuggets, Double Western Bacon Cheeseburgers, French Fries—if it’s greasy and loaded with fat, our POTUS will love it!

8 p.m. Those Funny Trumps! Family sit-com starring the whole gang: Donald, Don Jr., Eric, Ivanka, Melania and Barron. Zany skits, pranks, gags. Your funny bone is guaranteed to break!

9 p.m. Dial M For Mueller. Com-Dram. Follow the mis-adventures of the inept FBI operative, Matt Mueller, as he stumbles his way through botched investigations. The dumbest cop since Toody and Muldoon! Starring James Woods as the hapless Mueller.

10 p.m. Home Shopping With Ivanka! Ladies will love the First Daughter’s shopping show. Discounts on Ivanka’s designer shoes, purses, gowns. Ivanka hosts, with co-host Gen. Kelly.

11 p.m. Signoff with Mitch McConnell. The Majority Leader ends our programming day with more prayers and a Special Salute to the Commander-in-Chief. Singing of the Star Spangled Banner by Roseanne Barr.

 


The Trump Family Goes to the Mattresses

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Scene: The White House living quarters

Present: Donald Trump, Melania, Don Jr., Eric, Ivanka, Jared

DT: Okay, everybody, we’re at war. Ivanka, what’s your plan?

Ivanka: Daddy, me and Jared are moving to the Saudi Embassy. I packed all my Stella McCartney ath-leisurewear and 40 pairs of shoes!

Jared: That’s right, Sir. And I moved $40 million in cash to our account in the Caymans.

DT: Forty million? Is that enough?

Jared: Well, for a few weeks.

Ivanka: Jared, did you remember to stock up on Beluga?

Jared: Sweetheart, I’m sure the Saudis have plenty of caviar.

Eric: Dad, do you want to hear my plan?

DT: No. Don Jr., what’s your plan?

Don Jr.: Well, Pops, Kimberley and myself will stay at our cottage in Mustique until this blows over.

DT: How’s Kimberley doing?

Don Jr.: She’s pissed that Gavin’s gonna be Governor.

DT: He’s a clown. I think he’s gay.

Ivanka: I do too, Daddy. I met him once. I thought his wrist was a little limp. But he’s pretty!

Melania: In old country we know what to do with these Queers. We shoot them, then dump body in Danube.

Jared: That seems a little harsh, Mom.

DT: Hard times call for harsh measures, Jar.

Eric: Dad, I wrote that saying down. It can go in my book, The Wit and Wisdom

DT: Melania, are you packed? We may have to leave quickly.

Melania: I am way ahead of you Donald, there. I send three trunk of gowns to chateau in Nice.

DT: Nice? Isn’t that in France?

Melania: I thought it was in Europe?

Jared: Mom, Nice is in the south of France.

DT: I don’t want to go to France. That idiot Macron lives there. I hate him. Hate him! We might not be safe in France.

Eric: I don’t think—

Jared: I agree with Dad. Macron is a Schumer Democrat. He could have Dad arrested and extradite him.

Melania: I had Amazon package expedite. So quick and easy, especially if you’re Prime member.

Jared: Extradite, Mom, not expedite.

Melania: What’s difference?

DT: Mel, pack plenty of chocolate cake. If I’m going into exile, at least I’ll eat well!

Melania: Oh, darling, you’re getting so, how you say, fat? Why not try Wheat Thins?

DT: And wherever we go, make sure it’s near a KFC.

Eric: I had a bucket of KFC yesterday.

Don Jr.: Dad, are you going to give the word to your foot soldiers?

Ivanka: I was wondering the same thing.

Jared: All it would take, Sir, is for you to tell them to mobilize. We could take over the country in a few hours.

DT: I’m considering it. Bannon tells me they’ve been getting ready for more than a year. He figures they can have 100,000 armed guerillas take over local governments and media centers.

Ivanka: Good! They should take over CNN and arrest Wolf Blitzer.

Melania: He’s a homo.

Don Jr.: That Chris Matthews is even worse. They should arrest all of them.

Jared: And they should shut down the failing New York Times.

Melania: I think there is fried chicken in Nice.

DT: We’ll shut them all down. Every one of the snowflakes. They’ll be sorry.

[Jared’s cell phone rings]

Jared: Dad? It’s Netanyahu. [Trump takes the phone]

DT: Bibi? That you? I’ll put you on speakerphone.

Netanyahu: Donald! Oy gevalt, what’s this I hear?

DT: It’s true, we’re going to the mattresses. We’re at war with the liberals and the fake news media.

Netanyahu: Can I help, Donald? You want to borrow my Mossad?

DT: Can they take Mueller out and make it look like Hillary did it?

Netanyahu: They can do anything, Donald.

Melania: Donald, dear, is that Bibi? Tell him tell Sara stay strong! She’s so misunderstood. So what if she kick servants around? That is what servants for.

Ivanka: I’m very nice to our servants. Isn’t that right, Jared?

Jared: Yes, dear.

DT: You have to let them know who’s boss. You have to be tough, like the way I kick Lindsay around!

Eric: Dad, you’re the toughest—

Melania: Speaking of servants, Donald, did you get rid of that awful Ricardel person?

DT: Yes, my pet. She no longer works in the White House.

Melania: I want her in jail.

Ivanka: Mom, what did she do, anyway?

Melania: She pushy bitch.

Eric: Pushy.

Don Jr.: Dad, do you want her in jail? I can pass the word to Whitaker.

DT: I’ll tell you who I want in jail: Pocahontas.

Ivanka: I know, Daddy! And she’s so dumpy. Women are just jealous of me because I’m a size 2.

Melania: I’m size 2, sweetie.

[all silent]

Eric: I have a plan—

[Trump’s phone rings]

DT: Hello? Vladimir! Nice to hear from you. What’s up? Yes, I’m still your little poodly-woodly, Vlad. Yes, your good little lap dog, slurp slurp. What? The pee-pee tape? You’re not going to release it, are you? Good, Vlad, good. Say, by the way, you didn’t do a very good job in our Congressional election. What’s up with that? Oh, you’ll do better in 2020? Well, that’s good. Yes, Vlad, yes, I’ll continue to undermine NATO, if it’s so important to you. Okay, well, you have a nice day too. Bye!

Eric: How is Uncle Vlad doing, Dad?

DT: Jared, can’t you get the Jews to vote Republican? I thought you were tight with them.

Jared: Just Chabad, Dad. You know, the crazies.

DT: What’s wrong with the rest of them?

Jared: They’re all snowflakes. Twinkies. Homos.

Don Jr.: I knew a Jew once. He was a homo.

Melania: Back in home country, we not like Jews. Old timers know what to do with them. [she draws a hand across her throat]

DT: Yeah, well, first we have to win this war and then we can deal with our enemies.

Eric: We have lots of enemies, don’t we, Pops?

[Trump looks at Eric, ignores him]

DT: Say, I’m getting hungry. Mel, call the Secret Service and tell them I want a Big Mac. No, make that four Big Macs, with fries and a chocolate shake. Two chocolate shakes. While I’m waiting, I’ll be tweeting about cereal.

[This is Steve] Have a great weekend! Stay strong and Resist!

 

 


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