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Trump campaign’s vicious attack plan on Kamala Harris

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INTERNAL MEMORANDUM

Campaign to Re-elect An Amazing President (CRAP)

Subject: Kamala Harris

We should be grateful to Sleepy Joe for picking such a weak, compromised candidate as Sen. Harris. We have been conducting Opposition Research on her for nearly six months, and have discovered a wealth of damaging facts. Among these are:

• Sen. Harris is a transsexual. He was born Karl Harris, and underwent a sexual change in the late 1990s, at a Havana, Cuba clinic specializing in sexual perversion.

• While in Cuba, Karl/Kamala Harris became a fervant Castro-ite. He/she met frequently with Fidel Castro and, at a secret ceremony, he/she pledged his/her loyalty to him and to Communism.

• Upon returning to the U.S., Kamala Harris linked up with Muslim terrorists affiliated with Osama bin Laden. In 1999, she made a secret trip to Kenya, where she was trained in anti-American propaganda. While there, she met another young, Black American terrorist, Barack Hussein Obama. The two have remained co-conspirators ever since.

• In 2000, Kamala Harris, attending a mosque in the San Francisco Bay Area, was overheard by ____, a Special Undercover Agent on loan from the FBI who was investigating radical Islamic terrorists. She told the Imam, “I hate Amerika, spelled with a ‘k.’ Let us drive the white cracker racists into the sea.”

• Immediately following the events on Sept. 11, 2001, Kamala Harris celebrated with a large group of Muslims in New Jersey. They danced in the streets, shouting “Down with American imperialism” and “Allahu Akbar.”

• Between early 2002 and the summer of 2004, Kamala Harris led an armed group of thieves, who robbed banks and sent the money directly to Al Qaeda.

• As District Attorney of San Francisco, Kamala Harris declined to file criminal charges against seven serial killers, all of whom were Black. She explained that she did not want to “fill our racist jails with my Brothers.” Each of the seven men went on to commit multiple other murders.

• Also while she was District Attorney, Kamala Harris persecuted Christians solely because of their religious beliefs. She was behind numerous sacrileges in which Crosses were smeared with animal blood and feces.

• As Attorney General of California, Kamala Harris engaged in multiple Lesbian sexual affairs with known terrorists.

• In August, 2011, Kamala Harris was diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic, with homicidal tendencies, by a San Francisco psychiatrist, who later was found murdered. The case was never solved, and Harris’s case files were mysteriously stolen from the doctor’s office.

• In October, 2017, a Los Angeles dermatologist, Dr. Wilfred J. Conklin, told a reporter for Breitbart News that his own investigation revealed that Kamala Harris is not, in fact, Black. Dr. Conklin recovered hair and nail samples of Harris which proved that Harris is White. She reportedly consumes skin-coloring agents to make her look colored.

• Kamala Harris’s husband, Douglas Emhoff, is a well-known Jewish radical. When they were married, in 2014, the two took a vow to protect and fight for the State of Israel, secretly renouncing their American citizenship. They burned an American flag, then sprinkled the blood of a Christian baby on the ashes.

• Kamala Harris is said to be a member of the Church of Satan.

Obviously, CRAP members, we have plenty of ammunition to hit Harris with. Feel free to use any or all of these facts. Contact Kellyanne Conway for details.

Onward to Victory! Heil Trump!


White House: Trump has “always” advocated face masks

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Following four months of insisting that face masks are a “Democrat hoax” and a waste of time, President Trump’s advisors have concluded that he must make a 180-degree change of course, in order to keep his plunging approval numbers from falling even further.

Trump personally ordered the shift in messaging, after being told by his campaign managers that he faces “near certain defeat” in the upcoming election, largely because the American people perceive his response to the pandemic has been erratic and incompetent.

I was given a memo by a source in the West Wing of the White House, who insisted on anonymity since he was not authorized to speak with the media. That memo read:

MEMORANDUM

Office of the White House Chief of Staff

To: Ministry of Truth, Department of Homeland Security, cc: SecDef

Message: unreport PT masks doubleplusungood, malquoted

Ref faucilies

rectify fullwise rewrite “masks patriotic”

Translated from trumpspeak, the message means: President Trump’s former negative comments about face masks shall now be reported as being misquotes. All references to the ineffectiveness of face masks will be stricken from the record and replaced by positive comments, backdated as necessary, such as that face masks are patriotic. Negative references to face masks shall be attributed to Dr. Fauci and referred to as “lies.”

Whether or not the public falls for these claims remains to be seen. A senior source with long ties to the President said that the election of Trump in 2016 proves that “the American people, or at least a good many of them, will believe whatever the President tells them to believe,” no matter how much his statements are contradicted by evidence. “If the President says it,” this aide claims, “then it is a fact.”

Democrats reacted predictably, describing Trump’s about-face as ridiculous. “President Trump’s assertion that he has always favored wearing face masks is as fake as his claims that he respects women. It is, quite simply, an insult to the intelligence of the American people,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. Rep. Eric Swalwell (D-Contra Costa County) went further. “Another day, another massive lie from the pathological liar-in-chief,” Swalwell said. “Next thing you know, Trump will be saying he marched with Dr. King.”

At today’s daily briefing, press secretary Kayleigh McEnany, said exactly that. “President Trump inherited the values of fairness from his father, Fred, who was a great champion of civil rights. President Trump marched frequently with Dr. King, and was a great friend of the Negro people.”

McEnany, reminded by reporters that the President has been anti-mask since at least March, called those reports “fake news.” “It’s about what we would expect from the failing New York Times and the lying Washington Post,” she said. “Everbody knows that this President has advocated face masks, social distancing and avoiding large gatherings since he first became aware of the threat of COVID-19, last December.” She denied that events such as Trump’s rallies in Phoenix and Tulsa violated CDC guidelines. “We took every step to ensure that attendees were safe. We handed out face masks, and we insisted on social distancing, which is why the Tulsa attendance was lower than the arena’s capacity. We could have filled that arena ten times over, such is the enthusiasm of the American people for a President they know is their favorite ever.”

Joe Biden, the presumptive Democratic nominee for President, described Trump’s recent advocacy of face masks “about as believable as his denial that he ever said those horrible words on Access Hollywood. Folks, face it, we have a deranged, possibly psychotic individual in the White House, and we have to replace him as soon as possible.”

Biden’s words drew stinging criticism from Trump allies. “Sleepy Joe is insulting the President of the United States. He should watch what he says,” said Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas). “President Trump conducts himself at all times with dignity. It’s unfortunate that the Democrat Party has chosen to sink into the gutter.”

As I write these words, the President’s son-in-law, Jared Kushner, announced that Trump-related companies located in Bangaladesh and Vietnam are manufacturing face masks and other protective medical equipment “by the millions,” and that these supplies will be shipped to “hospitals, physicians and teachers” as soon as possible. He added, “The Trump and Kushner families will recoup only the financial resources we invested in these companies, plus a reasonable rate of return. We will not profiteer on the backs of sick Americans, unlike the corrupt Clinton, Obama and Biden families.”


Sexual Annals of The Donald: Ghislaine Helps Her Friend

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(October, 2011. Scene: A posh private club in London’s Mayfair District)

Ghislaine Maxwell: So you see, Donald, we can arrange it for later this evening, or for tomorrow evening, if you prefer.

Donald Trump: How about both?

GM: (grins) Somehow, I thought you’d say that!

DT: (signaling waiter) More onion rings! [to Ghislaine] Tell me about her.

GM: Oh, Anushka’s just your type. Nubile, flirty, a charming smile, not very bright…and wonderful hands.

DT: How old?

GM: Thirteen. Well, almost. In November.

DT: (licking his lips) Ghis, you’ve outdone yourself.

(Fast forward to Trump’s hotel room later that night)

DT: You’re a sweet little baby, aren’t you?

Anushka: Yes, Daddee.

DT: And you’d do anything to make your Daddee happy, right?

Anushka: Yes, Daddee. (sits on his lap, runs her fingers through his hair)

DT: Careful, sweetheart. Don’t muss it up.

Anushka: It’s so weird, Daddee.

DT: But you like it?

Anushka: (Kisses him) Yes, Daddee.

DT: What else do you like, sweetie?

Anushka: (smiles, blushes) I don’t know.

DT: Oh, come on. Tell me. What do you like?

Anushka: Well, I like this. (she touches him)

DT: (groans) How much do you like it?

Anushka: A lot, Daddee.

DT: Do you like this?

Anushka: Daddee! (both laugh)

DT: Does my little baby have to go potty?

Anushka: Yes, Daddee.

(Fast forward to 30 minutes later)

DT: Okay, get dressed and get the hell out of here. My wife’ll be here soon.

Anushka: But Daddee, I want to cuddle.

DT: No. Didn’t Ghislaine tell you?

Anushka: (pouting) Daddee make baby sad.

DT: If baby not stop cry, Daddee spank!

Anushka: (mock-terrified) No, Daddee! Please not spank baby!

DT: (takes belt off) Lay down!

(Fast forward six years. Trump is now President)

(phone rings)

DT: Yes? Hello?

Vladimir Putin: Donald! Is that you, Mister President?

DT: (sighs) Oh, it’s you again, Vlad. How’s everything?

VP: Very well, Donald. My associates and I were just watching the videotape again. You know, the one from London. Frankly, it’s held up well over the years. Very entertaining!

DT: What can I do for you, Vlad?

VP: Well, Donald, to be honest, I’d like for you to end the sanctions on the Russian Federation. And leave the Paris Accords. And defund NATO. And get out of Syria. And stop criticizing us for Crimea. And no more aid to Ukraine. And keep on denying we meddled in your campaign. And get us back into the G7. And say nice things about me.

DT: I think I can do all that, Vlad. Of course, these things take time. Those damned Democrats in the Congress, you know…Crazy Nancy and all that.

VP: Well, the clock is ticking on the videotape, Donald. Reuters would love to get their hands on it. Tick…tick…tick…

DT: I’ll see what I can do, Vlad.

(Fast forward another year)

DT: (at MAGA rally) Crooked Hillary! Emails! Benghazi! Failed Obama! Fake news! Rapists and murderers! White power! Praise the Lord! My good friend Franklin Graham! Liddle Adam Schiff! Make America Great Again!

(Switch to the Kremlin. Putin is with his advisors, watching Trump on T.V.)

VP: He’s good, isn’t he?

(All nod and say “da.”)

VP: What do you say we watch the videotape again?

THE END


Hannity interviews Trump

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SH: Mister President, it’s great to have you.

DT: Great to be here, Sean. Great show last night.

SH: Thank you. Sir, you deleted the “white power” tweet you had previously retweeted. Why did you delete it?

DT: Well, to be honest, I didn’t retweet it. That was an aide of mine.

SH: Who?

DT: Mike Pence. He has access to my twitter feed. Well, “had” access. I’ve since restricted him.

SH: Are you throwing the vice president under the bus?

DT: What bus? I don’t see a bus.

SH: It’s a saying, sir.

DT: And besides, I’m not in favor of white power. I’ve always said “People power.” That’s blue, purple, what have you. And orange. I like orange. As you know, Sean.

SH: Uhh—

DT: That’s the thing. But we’re making America great again, Sean. Greater than it’s ever been, greater than under President Jackson. With the new border wall and all that. And the respect of our friends and foes around the globe. America has never been more respected.

SH: The European Union just required all American travelers to quarantine themselves for 14 days. Does that concern you?

DT: Not really. There are lots of other nice countries besides Europe. My two oldest boys, Don, Jr. and Eric, are leaving next week for Africa to do some hunting. Some very lovely parks there, I’m told.

SH: What about the report that Putin is paying bounties to the Taliban to kill American soldiers?

DT: That’s not what I hear.

SH: Well, it’s in all the news reports. The New York Times reported that you were briefed on this.

DT: The failing New York Times, or as I call it, the enemy of the people.

SH: But were you briefed?

DT: Look, every morning they shove this massive pile of papers at me and expect me to read the whole damn thing. Most of it is made up. You know, I have liberals on my intelligence team. I’d like to fire them but I can’t. At least, not yet. We’re going to root them out. We’re–

SH: Even my network, Fox, reported that your President’s Daily Brief reported on that.

DT: Nobody watches Fox anymore! Too liberal. What the hell happened to you folks anyhow? You’ve been drinking the Kool-Aid, Sean. To be honest, I watch Sinclair now. That’s real news. And they haven’t said anything about this lie. What I did learn is that Crooked Hillary apparently has connections to Al Qaeda.

SH: Really? Can you tell us more?

DT: Stay tuned. This is big. It’s gonna blow Watergate out of the water. And many people are saying Sleepy Joe Biden has dementia.

SH: I’ve heard that.

DT: You ought to report on it, Sean. I mean, do you really want someone senile to be your president? And that wife of his. People call her “Crazy witch doctor Jill.” You know, they say she’s the power behind the scenes; he’s just a puppet.

SH: Speaking of wives, sir, how’s the First Lady doing?

DT: Oh, she’s great. Great. Working hard on her cause, which is—uh, which is—You know, she’s great, such an icon, setting an example for our great American fashion industry.

SH: She is very beautiful, sir.

DT: The most beautiful First Lady ever, they say. Aren’t you glad we don’t have dogs like Michelle and Laura Bush anymore? That was disgraceful. When we moved into the White House, Melania had the living quarters de-contaminated. You wouldn’t believe the mess those people left behind. Dirt everywhere, scratches, graffiti, lice, chicken bones.

SH: Many of the polls have you behind Vice President Biden, in some cases by double digits. Does that concern you?

DT: Not at all. When Sleepy Joe emerges from his basement and the American people see what a slobbering idiot he is, they’ll vote for me. They want to anyway, it’s just that the Fake Media has been feeding them lies. Like this coronavirus crap. It’s the Chinese virus, Sean. Chinese, as in China. Get it? Kung Fu, communism, dictatorship, the yellow peril. Chinese, Sean. China. They’re backing Biden because they know he’ll sell out America. Frankly when the people of Pennsylvania, Michigan and Ohio voted for me and all the so-called pundits said I’d lose I was telling people the truth about Crooked Hillary’s emails, and we now know that the traitor, Mueller or as I call him “Duller,” was secretly working for the Clintons and he was hoping to be appointed Secretary of State or some other high position. The fix was in, Sean. It was treason and they were and are traitors. But to answer your question, look at who’s doing these polls. Leftwing, liberal, in many cases socialist companies with terrorist ties. You can’t trust them. They’re making it up. And when I finish telling the American people the truth, we’re going to win this election in a landslide.

SH: You’ve been accused of using coronavirus as an excuse to cancel elections or slow them down.

DT: You mean the China virus? Call it what it is, Sean. The China virus is a threat to all Americans but it’s not as serious as the Democrats say because they want to defeat Donald Trump and look, the number of cases is going down—

SH: Actually, sir, it’s going up.

DT: That’s more fake news. Breitbart—a great news organization—reported on this yesterday, or last week. The curve looks like this [he holds his arm down at a 45-degree angle]. We have met this Chinese invasion the greatest since any administration ever before and that includes World War Two and while I am your president I will not allow the Chinese to invade our country with their Chinese virus or what some people call the Kung flu, which by the way why did Michelle Obama go to China last month? What do we really know? Who did she have secret meetings with? That’s something you should report, Sean, get to the bottom of it.

SH: Mister President, sir, you’ve suffered some Supreme Court losses in the past few weeks.

DT: Well, we’ll see, Sean.

SH: I mean, on gay rights, on Dreamers, and other things.

DT: Look, nobody’s been more of a friend to the Blacks than me. Look at their unemployment! They’re so much better off under me and they know it. Everyday, I have Black people come up to me and say, “Thank you, Mister President, for making my life better.” Because they know it. I pray with Black people. I’ve had supper with Black people. Black people serve me supper in the White House! I know these people. They’re good people. Not like these looters and rioters. They want to defund the police! Can you imagine that? You’re getting raped, you manage to get your cell phone and dial 9-1-1, and you get a recording, “Sorry, that is not a working number. The police department doesn’t exist anymore. Call Black Lives Matter, maybe they’ll come to your rescue.” I mean, can you imagine a country with no police? America was founded by police! That’s what these Democrats want, crime everywhere. Look at these cities, Minneapolis, Oakland, Detroit. Shithole cities. Nobody wants to live there. And that’s why they’re going to vote for me. They know I’m tough on crime.

SH: Well, Mister President, we’re just about out of time. Any final thoughts?

DT: Sleepy Joe is a low IQ person! He’s paid by the Chinese. By China. The same China that invaded us with the Kung flu. Nobody votes for low IQ guys except Nancy Pelosi and she’s older than Sleepy Joe! Have you seen her lately? “Blah blah,” she’s practically drooling. I call her “Adult Diaper Nancy.” I will not permit our wonderful heritage monuments and statuary to be vandalized. We had some great people there. This is a wonderful country. I say to young people, do you want your job taken by some illegal immigrant? I’ve been tougher on Russia than anybody including George Washington or what have you. Sleepy Joe is corrupt. We have to end Obamacare and replace it with something far better. Are there any donuts in the green room?


Trump gets COVID

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Trump woke up that morning feeling bad.

Granted, he usually awoke grouchy, but this was more than that: his head ached, his muscles hurt, he had chills, his throat was on fire, and the pillowcase on his bed was wet with what he suspected was sweat.

His first impulse was to ring the valet for his usual breakfast: a bucket of KFC Extra Crispy with a side of Mac and Cheese and biscuits, followed by a bowl of vanilla ice cream. But then he realized he wasn’t in the least bit hungry. That was weird: he couldn’t remember the last time he’d woken up not being famished. But not today.

Huh, he thought, trying to remember what he’d eaten last night, and what time he’d gone to bed. Oh, yeah, of course: he’s eaten alone in his bedroom, while watching Fox News. Arthur, his night valet, had brought him two Porterhouse steaks—well-done, the way he liked his beef; a plate of meat loaf; a cold shrimp salad—well, two, actually; three orders of McDonald’s French Fries; and a large chocolate shake. That must have been around 9 p.m., because he recalled Hannity was on (good old Hannity). He must have gone to bed around 10, just as Laura Ingraham was starting. He liked Laura, although sometimes she was a little too liberal, but he’d been really tired, so he called Arthur again and told him he was hitting the sack.

It hadn’t been a particularly large dinner, in other words, so it was puzzling why he shouldn’t be hungry now. Then he realized he was feeling a little hot. He rang the valet buzzer: it was Henry, the morning guy. Trump asked for a thermometer. Henry brought the digital one from the bathroom, and Trump inserted it himself in his mouth. After a few moments, it beeped. Trump removed it and read his temperature: 102.

Henry had been watching. “Everything okay, Mister President?” he asked. “Want me to call the doctor?”

“No!” Trump yelled, a little too loud. “There’s nothing wrong with me. This damn thermometer isn’t working.”

“I get you another,” said Henry.

“No.” Trump realized he’d been a little violent with Henry. “It’s all right, Henry. You can go now. And please, not a word of this to anyone.”

Trump turned on the T.V. It was still tuned to Fox. America’s Newsroom was on. There was a graphic showing how coronavirus was surging throughout most of the country. It was especially spiking in Oklahoma and Arizona, two states he’d just had rallies in. Of course, Trump would never admit in public that he trusted the numbers—one of his tactics was to call such statistics “fake news from Democrats.” But he wasn’t stupid; he realized that the disease was spreading. Could he have been…(it was hard to form the words in his mind)…infected?

He dialed Donald Jr. His elder son was one of the few people in the world he trusted. Junior’s girlfriend, Kimberley, answered. “Hi, Mister President,” she said. Trump wasted no time. “Get me Junior.” “He’s not feeling well,” Kimberley replied. “He woke up sick, with a fever. I’m thinking of calling the doctor.”

That jolted Trump. Don Jr. had been with him at both the Tulsa and Phoenix rallies. Could they both have…?

“Don’t call anyone,” Trump ordered her. She was a nice girl, Kimberley, hot… It was weird that she’d been married to that psycho out in California, Newsom. But Junior liked her.

“Why not, Mister President?”

“Just don’t. Let me figure this out.” And he hung up. If he and Don Jr. both had COVID-19, the public impact would be horrendous. He’d be a laughingstock, even among many Republicans. He’d spent the better part of the Spring telling the country that coronavirus was a Democrat lie, that it would go away soon on its own, that barely anyone would die. Then, when his own CDC issued their orders, with face masks and all, he’d told America that masks were idiotic, that nobody needed to wear them, that it was okay to go out to ballgames and malls and bars. If he, and his son, were now to come down with the disease, he’d be the target of every comedian in the land. He might even lose the election.

So there was only one approach: complete silence. Not a word was to be leaked to anyone. He would simply disappear from public view for a few days. He’d done it before; maybe go to Mar-a-Lago and play a little golf. He’d let the news cameras catch him from a quarter-mile away; the photos would show that he was healthy. As for Don Jr., ditto. No public announcements, no appearances, just lay low and keep your mouth shut.

That afternoon, the coughing began. They wracked his body with explosive blasts. The chills got much, much worse. The fever shot up to 104.5; he was hallucinating. At one point, he saw fiery, erotic devils, fornicating; and he heard hysterical laughter. Henry came in to say Melania was wondering if everything was all right, and could she see him for a few minutes? “No,” Trump wheezed. He took four Adderalls, hoping they would help him sleep. They did not. There was no respite, no relief. Agony was all this sick, desperate man had.


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