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An interview with President Trump

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Steveheimoff.com is honored to publish this exclusive, one-on-one interview with President Trump. I spoke with him yesterday, in the Oval Office, with Gus.

Steve Heimoff: Thank you very much, Mister President.

President Trump: You’re welcome. What’s your dog’s name?

SH: Gus.

PT: I don’t like dogs.

SH: I know. I want to start by asking about your plan to lift the shelter-in-place order on Easter, and re-open the country for business as usual.

PT: Yeah, we have to get this economy going again, and those stocks back up. That’s the most important thing for me to get re-elected.

SH: Is it always about you?

PT: What else is there? You? Lol.

SH: Many public health officials say the most important thing is saving lives.

PT: We can walk and chew gum at the same time. We can re-open the economy and still fight the China virus.

SH: You’re the only person who calls it the China virus. The rest of the world calls it coronavirus.

PT: That’s where the virus comes from. China. It’s not from Corona. It’s the kung-flu virus.

SH: If the best way to fight the coronavirus—

PT: China virus.

SH: –is social distancing and staying home, as the scientists say, then we can’t re-open the economy and let people mingle.

PT: That’s fake news. You should stop watching that horrid MSNBC. Besides, most of those so-called scientists are card-carrying members of the Democrat Party. Look at that Fauci. I call him Tiny Tony. A liberal. You can’t trust anything they say.

SH: Do you concede that if you re-open the economy, more people will get sick and die?

PT: I’m not conceding anything. But let’s say for the sake of argument that there are a few more incidents of China virus. So what? It’s just a cold. You get the sniffles, then you get better. And besides, most of the people who are getting infected are Democrats.

SH: Really?

PT: Look at the map! New York, Seattle, San Francisco, Chicago, New Orleans, Jersey. All Democrat hellholes. By contrast, if you look at the places where there is no China virus, like Idaho, they’re Republican areas. So this China virus knows what it’s doing. It’s seeking out Democrats. Even a great American like Dinesh D’Souza says so.

SH: Granted that more Democrats are getting sick than Republicans, aren’t Democrats Americans, too?

PT: Who told you that?

SH: Nobody told me, it’s just common sense.

PT: Yeah, well, that’s not what Tucker Carlson told me.

SH: What did he tell you?

PT: He says Democrats aren’t real Americans.

SH: Then what are they?

PT: Communists.

SH: Aren’t you concerned about New York City? After all, you’re a New Yorker.

PT: Not anymore! I’m a proud Florida-er. I left New York because Bloomberg turned it into a Communist Democrat shithole.

SH: So you wouldn’t be troubled if you re-open the economy and Democrats start getting sick and dying?

PT: It’s called thinning the herd. Democrats, Mexicans, homosexuals, abortion doctors, Muslims, Sleepy Joe Biden, AOC, they’re all the same. We don’t want them in America.

SH: Who do we want, sir?

PT: Real Americans! Christians!

SH: Sir, you’ve never attended church in your life. You once told Page Six in the New York Post you didn’t believe in God, you believed in money.

PT: Lies! Who told you that? Liddle Adam Schiff?

SH: Another question, sir. In the bailout, will Trump companies get any money?

PT: You’re a terrible reporter. A Communist. Why don’t you go back to Russia? It’s people like you who hate America and want to drag us down. I bet you hang out with Obama and his terrorist pals. You better watch out. I have the military and the gun owners on my side.

SH: I thought you were the president of all Americans.

PT: I am! All real Americans! Christian Americans, Republican Americans, normal Americans. Now you’ll have to excuse me. I’m scheduled to be on Fox & Friends. Here’s an official White House pen. No, I won’t shake hands with you. You probably have the China virus. Now get the hell out of here, loser! And tell your friend Hunter Biden we’re coming after him!

SH: Thank you, Mister President.


My Fantasy About Trump

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Do you think Trump regrets saying, barely two weeks ago, that coronavirus was “a Democrat hoax”?

I doubt it. “Regret” means feeling sorry you did or said something. “Feeling sorry” requires a conscience. Trump, a sociopath, has no conscience. In Freudian terms, he lacks a superego—the mind function that suppresses the animal “id.” Trump is all animal id, with the rapacious cleverness of his ego steering the ship.

Nonetheless Trump did call coronavirus “a Democrat hoax” and I hope that the two remaining candidates, Biden and Sanders, remind voters of that all the time. I’m sure they will. Both men, to their credit, are going out of their way to remind the American people how miserable Trump is as a human being. Americans understand that; even Republicans know that he’s despicable. They don’t care, of course—or so they tell themselves—because he’s giving them what they want—judges, restrictions on immigrants, things like that. “Nobody elected Trump America’s pastor,” concede the evangelicals.

I have a fantasy. Let’s say it’s early April, next month. Trump hasn’t been seen in a few days; the tweets have stopped. Everybody’s wondering. Since there’s no longer a daily press briefing, reporters have nobody to ask. Reports begin to leak out from the West Wing: Trump might be ill. The rumor spreads that he had a fever. Somebody said he was coughing and sniffling during a meeting. The nation is in an uproar. Stephanie Grisham is compelled to call in the White House Press Corps. “President Trump is self-quarantining for a while. He came down with some symptoms of a cold or flu.” “Has he been tested for coronavirus?” a journalist asks. “I’m not going to make any statements that compromise President Trump’s right to patient confidentiality,” Grisham replies. This is like poking a stick into a wasps’ nest. The reporters go wild with questions. Grisham ducks out of the room.

That night a convoy of black SUVs and ambulances is seen leaving the White House. Reporters follow. The convoy pulls up to Walter Reed Medical Center; the reporters are kept at least 100 yards away as a special patient is carried into the emergency room. The patient is on a gurney. Reporters can see that the patient is a large man with a fat belly. They cannot see his hair but the word instantly goes out: it’s Trump.

The hospital begins issuing bulletins. The President is in serious condition with pneumonia. No, he’s in critical condition. The family has been summoned: paparazzi catch photos of a black-clad Melania, a subdued Donald Junior, an ashen-faced Ivanka with Jared, looking, as usual, like a mortician. The nation is on the edge of its collective chair. Is the President dying?

April 12, shortly before noon, the official announcement: “The President of the United States, Donald J. Trump, died at 11:27 a.m. this morning, of complications caused by COVID-19, the coronavirus disease.” Those old enough to remember a similar announcement about the death of John F. Kennedy are transported back to that moment. But the two moments are dissimilar in this respect: when Kennedy died the nation was plunged into grief. When Trump died, there was dancing in the streets—literally. People cheered and applauded; they leaned out of their windows and blew New Year’s Eve horns, or threw confetti into the streets below. Total strangers high-fived each other; people in movie theaters and on the subways stood and yelled “Hooray.” The scene from “The Wizard of Oz” where the Munchkins sing “Ding Dong the Witch is Dead” went viral on YouTube.

Republicans said it was shameful the way Democrats celebrated Trump’s death. The Democratic presumptive nominee, Joe Biden, said he regretted some of the excesses but added that it was “understandable” that some people were happy to be rid of Trump. Sean Hannity said Joe Biden ought to be ashamed of himself, forgetting that he, Hannity, once had called for Hillary Clinton to be put to death. A trio of evangelicals—Ralph Reed, Jerry Falwell, Jr. and Franklin Graham—announced a Holy Memorial Service in Washington, D.C. It would feature country and western stars, preachers, Ted Nugent, Sylvester Stallone, Clint Eastwood. The Mayor of Washington, D.C., a Democrat, announced that gatherings of more than 250 people would be banned in his city due to the coronavirus. The evangelicals were outraged; their lawyers demanded that the Supreme Court allow the Holy Memorial Service to proceed. But the Supreme Court, already down to only five Justices because the other four were sick with COVID-19, refused to hear the case. There was no Holy Memorial Service.

Trump was buried at his Mar-a-Lago estate. Michael Pence became the 46th President of the United States. He was assassinated by a deranged white Christian man from Mississippi who thought Pence was Satan. Republicans charged that the assassin had been persuaded to kill the President by Democrats. Rep. Devin Nunes announced he had “evidence” that the Bidens were involved in the conspiracy. House Speaker Pelosi said that, in view of the coronavirus, the U.S. House of Representatives would no longer meet while the pandemic raged. The Dow Jones Industrial Average fell below 10,000 for the first time in twenty-five years. The U.S. went into a massive Depression. Joseph Biden was inaugurated as the 47th President of the United States on Jan. 21, 2021. He died of a heart attack two weeks later. His Vice President, Kamala Harris, instantly became the 48th President. She served out her term, was re-elected in 2024, and re-elected again in 2028. The Republican Party never was officially outlawed; it simply ceased to exist, the way the Whig Party stopped functioning in the 19th century. The Democratic Party split into two wings: one progressive, the other moderate. Coronavirus disappeared just like the Republican Party: one day, people realized nobody was getting it anymore.

When people looked back at the events of the early 2020s, they could hardly believe them: it was like a dream. Had America really had a President Trump? Yes, some said; no, others claimed. Eventually, it no longer mattered. Hurricane Imelda destroyed Mar-a-Lago in September, 2025; Trump’s grave was washed out to sea. Donald Trump, Jr. killed himself after his third wife accused him of adultery with a Secret Service man. Ivanka Trump divorced Jared Kushner, who was found guilty of money-laundering in New York and sentenced to 25 years in prison. Ivanka restored her fashion design company. Barron Trump appeared on the cover of OUT! Magazine, the nation’s leading gay periodical; in a racy photograph inside, he was nude except for one hand discretely covering his genitals. Life, in other words, went on.


Live from the Corona Virus War Center, starring Mike Pence!

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SCENE: Vice President Pence, wearing his “CORONA VIRUS CZAR” cap and the uniform of a Ruritanian admiral, directs the nation’s efforts to stop the spread of the dreaded disease.

Pence: Okay everybody, let us pray: Dear Jesus, please kill the corona virus from sea to shining sea in our great country, Trumpmerica.

Everybody: (Repeats prayer)

Pence: Send the socialist corona virus germs to Mexico. They’re all rapists and murderers anyhow.

Everybody: Amen!

Pence: We will build a Great Wall around Trumpmerica, and any corona virus that tries to get in, why, we’ll kill it!

Everybody: Kill the coronas! Jail them!

Pence: And if we catch any corona germs on our soil, our beloved President Trump will deport them back to their shithole countries!

Everybody: Deport them!

Pence: And now, a little entertainment. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Ted Nugent!

Ted Nugent: Thank you, Mr. Corona Virus Czar. This is the first paying gig I’ve had in years. Nobody will hire me anymore because I love President Trump.

Everybody: We love you, Ted!

Pence: Thank you, Ted! And now—

Ted Nugent: But I haven’t played my song yet!

Pence: –As I was saying, we have reason to believe that we know who’s behind this attack on our values by the corona virus. Do you know who the criminal is?

Everybody: Hillary! Hillary!

Pence: That’s right. Crooked Hillary. When she lost the 2016 election, she worked with Al Qaeda to develop this germ. Who hates Trumpmerica?

Everybody: Hillary! Hillary!

Pence: What should we do with Crooked Hillary?

Everybody: Lock her up!

Pence: Let us pray: Dear Holy Jesus, please lock up Hillary Clinton. Send her to jail. Make her suffer for exposing us to this Democrat germ, the corrupt corona virus.

Everybody: Kill Hillary! Kill Obama! Kill Liddle Adam Schiff!

Pence: That’s right. Liddle Adam Schiff helped Crooked Hillary develop the corona virus. Obama funded them. What do we do with traitors?

Everybody: Kill them!

Pence: But our Lord and Savior told us to turn the other cheek and forgive our enemies. So should we forgive Hillary?

Everybody: (Confusion. People turn to each other, scratch their heads)

Pence: (Smiling) Yes, my Christian friends, I know you’re puzzled. On the one hand, Jesus tells us to forgive; on the other hand, we want to punish our enemies, for they are His enemies, too. So who do we listen to?

Everybody: Tell us, Oh Pence!

Pence: Okay, here’s who you should listen to! I have the distinct honor and privilege of introducing the President of the United States, Donald J. Trump!

SCENE: To cheering, Trump descends to the stage, accompanied by trumpet blares and fireworks

Trump: Yeah, yeah, yeah, fellow Republicans! Let me hear you sing our new national anthem!

Everybody (to the tune of America the Beautiful):

Oh wonderful and blessed Trump,

We praise you to the skies,

You are so smart, a stable genius,

Strong and firm and wise…

Trump: So I hear you’re trying to decide whether to forgive Hillary or kill her. Do you want to know what I think?

Everybody: Tell us, Mr. President!

Trump: Kill her! If Jesus was here—any maybe He is, just maybe, you never know, do you? (winks)—He would strangle Crooked Hillary with His own hands! Then He would poke out her eyes, and rip her evil heart from her chest, and shoot her with an AK-47. He never said to forgive anyone—that’s another Democrat lie! If Jesus was here today, he’d join the NRA!

Everybody: Shoot Democrats!

Trump: This whole bible stuff is fake. The real bible was hidden a long time ago, and you know who hid it?

Everybody: Democrats!

Trump: That’s right. Because they didn’t want you to know the truth! And the truth is—I am the one the bible predicted! I am the Messiah!

Everybody: President Trump is the Messiah! All hail President Trump!

Pence: (bows down) Hail to thee, President Trump. God sent You to us.

Trump: That’s right. And now, lock and load! Get your guns, because we’re going out to hunt Democrats! And when we find them, they better look out, because God hates them!

Everybody: God hates Democrats! Look out Democrats! We’re coming to kill you, in the name of our Messiah, Donald J. Trump!

SCENE: Crowds marching through the streets, rounding up Democrats, beating them up, shooting them, hanging them from lampposts.

Trump: Okay, everybody, I have to go fight The Deep State.

Everybody: Bye, Mr. President! KILL THE DEEP STATE! KILL HILLARY!

(Trump disappears with his phalanx of Secret Service agents.)

Pence: Let us now sing the Corona Virus song:

Everybody: (To the tune of The Star Spangled Banner):

Oh, kill the corona

Bash its Democrat skull in

With the leadership of Trump

We will kill the corona and win

Our Dear Leader Trump

He will cure the disease

God shows Him the way

Let’s get down on our knees

And pray to our Leader

In whom we ever trust

And if you see a Democrat

It’s their head you must bust!

Pence: Amen, brothers and sisters! May the blessings of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, be upon you, and upon Trumpmerica!

FAST FORWARD TO 2024. Four hundred thousand Americans have died from corona virus. The economy has tanked. Unemployment stands at 24%. President Pete Buttigieg, who inherited the crisis from his predecessor, announces that former Vice President Pence will be hung in Lafayette Square the next day, at noon, for dereliction of duty. Former President Donald J. Trump’s whereabouts are unknown. Last seen in Moscow, he is said to be living in luxury with permission of his good friend, Russian president-for-life Putin. To this date, no cure or vaccine for corona virus has been discovered.


Trump goes to Hell, meets Hitler

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The last words of former President Donald Trump, caught on cell phone video by a paramedic called to the scene as Trump lay dying from a massive heart attack, have been definitively deciphered by a special FBI team.

The agency’s Audiographic Interpretation Unit reported Trump’s final utterance was:

“Hillary emails…Hunter Biden corruption…covfefe.”

Trump, who was 73 at the time of his death, suffered the fatal coronary attack at his Mar-a-Lago estate in Florida, where he was spending “quiet time with his family,” according to White House spokesperson Stephanie Grisham. In a separate account, the New York Times reported that Melania Trump, his wife, was in Manhattan at the time, and Trump’s four children also were out of the state. Grisham unable to explain exactly who “his family” was.

It is not known what Trump’s state of mind was as he died. Trump was known to have been obsessed with finding criminal activity by former First Lady and Democratic Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton and by Hunter Biden, the son of former Vice President Joe Biden. The “covfefe” remark is thought to have come from his now-famous tweet of May 31, 2017, which Trump has never fully explained.

The White House announced that a special memorial service for the late President will be held at Liberty University, with the Rev. David Duke presiding.

FLASH TO HELL

[The atmosphere is gritty black except for the orange glow of fire in the distance. The air is unbreathable, a corrosive mixture of sulfur dioxide and methane. Through the fog can be discerned human-like figures groaning and trudging, their backs hunched as if carrying heavy loads. A sign reads “SPECIAL INTAKE AREA.” At a desk sits a horned figure covered in scales and with a tail, as flames flare out of its nostrils. Suddenly, Donald Trump appears.]

HORNED FIGURE: Welcome to Hell, Donald Trump. Abandon all hope!

TRUMP: Where the fuck am I? Who the hell are you? Kellyanne—what’s going on?

HORNED FIGURE: Kellyanne Conway isn’t here yet. She will be in [glances at wristwatch] three years, two weeks, four hours and seven seconds.

TRUMP: You better tell me what’s going on, you libtard loser, or I’ll get Bill Barr after you.

HORNED FIGURE: Mr. Barr isn’t here either. His appointment is scheduled for Dec. 14, 2021. So you won’t have to wait long to see him.

TRUMP: It’s awfully hot in here.

HORNED FIGURE: As it should be. You’re in Hell, Donald.

TRUMP: Bullshit. There’s no such thing as Hell.

HORNED FIGURE: Really? [reaches for microphone] Paging Mr. Hitler. Paging Mr. Hitler. Will Mr. Hitler please report to the Special Intake Area.

[A burst of light, followed by intense heat. Adolf Hitler appears.]

HITLER: Yes, Master.

HORNED FIGURE: Tell our new guest, Mr. Trump, where he is.

HITLER: You’re in Hell, buddy. Same as me.

TRUMP: That’s fake news.

HITLER: Really? Is this fake? [Shoves a red-hot poker up Trump’s ass.]

TRUMP: Ouch! That hurts!

HITLER: It’s supposed to hurt.

TRUMP: Okay, supposing I am in Hell. There’s obviously been some kind of mistake.

HORNED FIGURE: Actually, no. There’s been no mistake. There never is. You’re in Hell because of who you are and what you’ve done.

TRUMP: Such as…?

HORNED FIGURE: You’re the worst person in the world. Or you were, before we gave you the heart attack. Specifically, you’re a bully, a liar, a racist, a deceiver, a rapist, a cheat, a thief, a traitor to your country, and a complete and total drag. You’re also a hateful, greedy, corrupt, vulgar bastard. You made the world a much worse place by being in it. To put it bluntly, you’re evil. And that’s exactly why our Boss, Mr. Satan, loves you. He feels one with you; he’s demanded that you come here to Hell. It’s where you belong. Oh, and before I forget, the Boss of the other place—that’s what we call Heaven—asked me to read you this memo: “Donald, you’re also in Hell because you repeatedly took My Name in vain. Love, God.”

TRUMP: Wow. I don’t know what to say.

HITLER: Can I go now, Master?

HORNED FIGURE: Yes, Adolf. And show Mr. Trump to his room. The Covfefe Suite, the one inside the furnace.

[Hitler bows formally, grabs Trump by the arm. As they exit into the flames, we hear Trump’s voice one final time:]

TRUMP: Hey, are there any fuckable porn stars here?


Part 4: The new Missus Trump settles in

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She became Missus Trump with a vengeance. The first thing she did was to fire staff: maids, butlers, secretaries, and other functionaries. Donald was furious.

“Why did you fire Margarita? She’s been head housekeeper at Mar-a-Lago for six years!”

“I don’t like the way” [Melania pronounced it “vay”] she look at me, Donald. It not respectful.”

Melania became the Dragon Lady of the various houses she presided over: Trump Tower, Mar-a-Lago, and places elsewhere. Even Trump was afraid of her.

Melania gave birth to her only child with Trump, Barron, in 2006.  She stopped having sex with her husband shortly afterwards. “Not now, darling,” she would say whenever he approached her. “I have a headache.” Trump soon got the message. He had a very high sexual drive, and turned to other women for relief, primarily porn stars. He’d been introduced to the world of porn in the 1970s, when he’d been friends with Steve Rubell, the co-proprietor of Studio 54.

Trump liked the world of porn, with its faux glamor, danger and illicit excitement. Pecker would procure the porn stars for him; all the arrangements would be made by Trump’s personal lawyer, Michael Cohen: meeting places, payment, contractual obligations. The girl would simply show up at a pre-arranged location, spend a few hours with the client, and then unceremoniously leave. Most of them never saw Mister Trump again.

Melania, meanwhile, had her own sexual needs. She had never forgotten Hercule, the lean, wiry, dark-eyed Gypsy who’d been her pimp in Slovenia. At first, Melania trusted no one. She would wear a disguise—sunglasses, a blond wig—and cruise Times Square around midnight, a time when the streets were literally crawling with shiftless, dangerous-looking young male hustlers. Melania took a pied-a-terre of her own, on East 42nd Street, a block from the United Nations. She brought her young men there. She hired a security guard to stand watch outside the door “just in case,” but there were never any incidents. She did not know or care if her husband knew of her extra-curricular amorous activities.

Over the years this became their arrangement. Melania showed up beside Trump for necessary social engagements. She knew she looked the part of the beautiful trophy wife of the aging billionaire. Trump asked little else of her, with the one demand being: don’t ever embarrass me in public. She never did. Her affairs—and they were numerous—were models of discretion.

By 2015, Trump was obviously interested in running for president. Melania watched from the sidelines, with mounting interest. She’d never had any desire to be First Lady; indeed, she was perfectly content to live her private life on the $150,000 per month allowance Trump gave her. It kept her in fashionable style, and she was able to lunch with her girlfriends at discrete restaurants in Biarritz, Cabo, Majorca or Los Angeles. Her modeling career was long over, but Melania still kept in top physical condition, with the help of her personal trainer, Arturo, a 33-year old Italian in impeccable shape, with whom, naturally, she had an affair.

And then came the unexpected: her husband was elected President of the United States.


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