subscribe: Posts | Comments      Facebook      Email Steve

A Conference Call Between Four World Leaders

0 comments

 

(This call was recorded immediately following this weekend’s G7 Summit Meeting in Quebec. The participants were Angela Merkel, Theresa May, Justin Trudeau and Emmanuel Macron.)

Angela: Hello? Hello? Anybody else here?

Justin: Bienvenue, Angela. It’s me, Justin. How was your flight?

Angela: As well as could be expected, given what happened.

Theresa: Hi all, it’s me, Theresa.

Justin and Angela: Hello Theresa!

Theresa: Are we all here?

Justin: I think we’re waiting on Emmanuel.

Angela: Did you send him the Go To Meeting code?

Justin: I think my deputy did.

Emmanuel: Bon Jour friends and fellow Western leaders! It’s me, Emmanuel.

Justin: Good. We can get started. But first, I have to vent.

Angela: I think I know where this is going.

Theresa: Me too.

Justin: He is such an asshole! I mean, the most ignorant, stupid pig I’ve ever met. What the hell has happened to America?

Angela: He’s a moron, that’s for sure.

Emmanuel: I keep hoping he’ll change, but the nicer I am to him, the ruder he is to me.

Theresa: To everyone! It speaks very poorly of his upbringing.

Angela: I understand his father was in the Ku Klux Klan.

Justin: It doesn’t surprise me.

Angela: I miss Obama.

Emmanuel: I didn’t know him.

Theresa: Neither did I.

Angela: Such a gentleman. Great style, taste and integrity. A man of intelligence and peace.

Justin: Unlike the present occupant of the Oval Office!

Theresa: The question is, what are we going to do about him? I mean, he is President of the United States. We can’t just walk away from him.

Angela: We can stop taking his phone calls.

Justin: He calls you?

Angela: Uh, not actually.

Emmanuel: Me neither.

Theresa: He called me once, to ask what he should wear when he met the Queen.

Angela: That never happened, did it?

Theresa: No. The Queen wouldn’t hear of it. “Dreadful man,” she told me. “Beastly.”

Justin: He’s insane. He said Canada burned down the White House in 1812.

Emmanuel: A complete idiot.

Angela: Justin, I’ve never seen a leader treat another leader as poorly as he treated you. Even Hitler was gracious with Petain.

Justin: I felt degraded.

Theresa: Poor boy. Have a drink and relax. Trump is just a pest. He’ll be dead while you’re still a star.

Justin: My wife said I should consider breaking diplomatic relations with the U.S.

Emmanuel: That’s funny! There are quite a number of people here that feel the same way.

Theresa: I hadn’t thought about it, but everyone over here loathes him. I mean, everybody! Liberals, conservatives, labor, even the neo-nazis, who think he’s giving them a bad name.

Angela: Do you actually think we could do it? I mean, break relations?

Justin: We could hold a joint news conference and announce it. Maybe get some other leaders.

Angela: Like who?

Justin: Peña Nieto would do it.

Emmanuel: And all those African countries he called “shitholes.”

Theresa: And Australia! Turnbull still hasn’t gotten over being insulted by him in public.

Angela: Theresa, how about the rest of the Commonwealth?

Theresa: I think South Africa and New Zealand would. I don’t know about India.

Emmanuel: What about China?

[all] Hmmm….

Theresa: I don’t know. Xi is an enigma.

Angela: He asked me if Trump was insane.

Justin: Really?

Angela: He said that in China, a regional leader as corrupt as Trump would be purged and probably executed. And his family would be locked up.

Emmanuel: Wow.

Justin: So, back to breaking off relations with America. Emmanuel, are you in?

Emmanuel: Oui, monsieur.

Justin: Angela? Theresa?

Angela: Germany is in.

Theresa: Great Britain is in.

Justin: Fabulous! Now, where shall we have our press conference?

Emmanuel: I have an idea! It’s kind of funny, actually. Why don’t we rent Mar-A-Lago and have it there?

Theresa: Love it! We’ll provide the beer.

Emmanuel: We’ll bring the wine.

Angela: We’ll bring the weiner schnitzel.

Justin: And we’ll bring the weed!

[All laugh. The joint press conference is scheduled for June 21. Watch this space for details!]


Kim Yong Chol: What I Told Trump

0 comments

 

As the world knows, last Friday I met with U.S. President Donald J. Trump in the Oval Office of the White House. As the official envoy of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (DPRK), sent by our President, Kim Jong Un, my task was to inform President Trump of all the facts pertinent to the impending summit meeting of the two leaders.

President Trump was well aware of the DPRK’s nuclear and missile capabilities; indeed, without our having perfected these in 2017-2018, the U.S. would not have agreed to a summit meeting in the first place. It was only because we joined—or, I should say, forced our way into–the Nuclear Club that America was forced to respect our validity and power, after 70 years of trying to snuff us out.

However, awareness of our capability to bomb American cities is not the fundamental reason why it is in the U.S.’s interests to reach a deal with President Kim. Nuclear war between the two powers is unthinkable, as President Trump well knows, and what is unthinkable is also unusable. What is not unthinkable—and this is what I told President Trump—is that the DPRK now has achieved global superiority in another aspect of conflict: cyberwarfare.

Indeed, while the rest of the world was watching our developments in the hydrogen bomb and intercontinental ballistic missile spheres, we in the DPRK were simultaneously developing the world’s greatest, most powerful cadre of computer hackers. President Kim, and his father before him, the late President Kim Jong-il, understood the importance of assembling a team of computer saboteurs such as only science-fiction writers ever imagined; and this is what we have done.

For proof of this, I pointed out to President Trump our massively successful cyberattack against SONY Pictures, in 2014, an attack, by the way, that was fully justified by SONY’s release of a movie, The Interview, that was an insult against President Kim Jong Un. In that attack, our hackers virtually crippled the SONY company and brought it to its knees, leaving it without any working computers, or email, or even the ability to leave voicemails. It was only after SONY agreed to pull The Interview from distribution that our hackers released their grip and set them free. We thus achieved, not only tactical victory on that score, but the enormous strategic victory of having warned the U.S. government of our capabilities, which are practically infinite.

This is what I told President Trump: that, if pushed, we in the DPRK can and will go well beyond what we did to SONY and attack the American power grid itself. It is relatively easy to compromise power utilities—for instance, placing a pornographic image on a home page. It is much more difficult to penetrate circuit breakers, generators and transformers. Yet this is precisely what our genius hackers have succeeded in accomplishing. We can easily gain operational access to the systems of gigantic American utility companies, such as PG&E, Consolidated Edison and Duke—including their nuclear power plants—to launch a full-scale grid attack on the U.S.

Our first step, I informed President Trump, would be to make a few isolated, local strikes, shutting power in places, such as Los Angeles or Denver, that would inconvenience millions of people, yet not pose a strategic security threat to America. This would be a warning. If our conditions were not then met, I told President Trump, the DPRK could continue to escalate our cyberattack, until—I assured him—we could shut off 90% of all the power in the U.S., plunging the country into darkness and anarchy; and we could keep the power turned off as long as we wanted, even in the event of American retaliation against us in the form of a nuclear attack.

It is not likely you will hear about this in the American media, because President Trump is determined to get all the credit for initiating the June 12 summit (he hopes to win a Nobel Peace Prize). Were it to be known that, far from initiating the summit, President Trump was instead playing into our hands and yielding to our threat, his reputation would be in tatters, even among his own followers. The meme would be “Trump, fearful of a North Korean strike against U.S. power grid, yields to Kim Jong Un, conceding to all his demands.”

President Trump indeed was cognizant of all I explained to him, and he readily agreed to all our conditions, including full diplomatic recognition, the dropping of sanctions, the expansion of trade between our two countries, and—secretly–our keeping an operational number of hydrogen bombs and ICBMs. All he asked of the DPRK in turn was for us to claim to have given up our nuclear capability (untrue; we never will), and secondly, that we do not disclose the full extent of our electrical grid hacking power, or the threat I had made to him. Both of these, we are pleased to do, for, as our Glorious Founder, Kim Il-sung, used to say, “The victor in war is not always he who appears to win.” The DPRK has actually won this round of the ongoing war between our two countries; let the pathetic President Donald Trump get the public credit, which his fragile Western ego craves, even as we walk away with all the cards.


Trump and pardons

2 comments

 

Following his unexpected pardon of the rightwing nationalist, Dinesh D’Souza, President Trump announced more pardons for the following individuals.

  1. John Wilkes Booth, “Posthumously, for his love of country and faithfulness to the cause of white supremacy.”
  2. Adolf Hitler, “Posthumously, for Making Germany Great Again.”
  3. Timothy McVeigh, “Posthumously, for his contributions to the construction of a new Federal building in Oklahoma City.”
  4. Omar Mateen, “The Pulse Nightclub shooter, for his tireless belief that marriage is between a man and a woman.”
  5. Dennis Hastert, “The former Republican Speaker of the House, for his love and affection for young boys.”
  6. Benito Mussolini, “Posthumously, for inspiring me, Donald J. Trump, with his speech-making style.”
  7. Joseph McCarthy, “Posthumously, for his contributions against Communism.”
  8. Roy Cohn, “Posthumously, for setting new standards for a lawyer.”
  9. David Duke, “For his support of me despite criticism from libtards.”
  10. Clarence Thomas, “For being a good Negro, proving that they’re not all criminals.”

Asked by this blog if all these pardons meant that he is prepared to pardon such individuals as Michael Cohen, Roger Stone, Jefferson Sessions and Sarah Huckabee Sanders, all of whom seem likely to be charged with obstruction of justice if Mueller brings that charge, Huckabee Sanders accused me of being “a nasty liberal, out to overthrow the legitimately-elected president.” She added, “Who’s paying you, Hillary? ISIS? Rob Reiner? The gay lobby?”

At the same time Huckabee Sanders was making her remarks, Franklin Graham, an associate of her father, Michael Huckabee, the well-known evangelical politician, was in San Francisco, giving a major political speech denouncing homosexuals.

I caught up with Rev. Graham and asked him if he had ever participated in gay sex.

“That is an insulting question,” Graham responded, which was not exactly a denial.

“Well, the reason I ask is because I’ve heard that you have all sorts of sexual secrets that the public doesn’t know about.”

“I will sue you!” the Reverend threatened. At that point, his bodyguards grabbed me by the arms and took me into a small room, where they frisked me and, quite frankly, were more physically invasive than they needed to be.

Franklin Graham is a symptom of the disease currently infecting America. This hideous person pretends to be a follower of Jesus when in fact he, like his friend Trump, is out for nothing less than theocratic political power, like the Taliban in Afghanistan. God forbid that Graham should ever have any authority at all in the United States, beyond what he already has over his credulous followers, low-educated, superstitious, rural white people, filled with resentment. These are the kind of people America has spent centuries trying to educate out of their ignorance into enlightened liberal thought. Trump seeks to put this evolutionary process into reverse. I don’t think he will succeed, but the fight is on: Each of you has to choose which side you’re on.

 

Have a lovely weekend!


Trump Wins Schmobel Prize for Failure

0 comments

 

The Swedish Academy has announced it is awarding the Schmobel Prize for Failure to U.S. President Donald J. Trump.

Jens Kavaglia, the Academy’s chairman, said the prize was given “to recognize the extent of President Trump’s failure, in the collapse of his much-desired peace talks with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. President Trump, after repeatedly bragging about his achievement, now recognizes he has been out-foxed by Kim, and made into an international laughing stock.”

The prize is to be awarded in Schmockholm on June 9. The White House said Trump will attend.

At a hastily-called press briefing at the White House last night, press secretary Sarah Sanders Huckabee insisted that the president is not a loser. “This president is a winner!” she repeatedly said. “The fact that the summit has been canceled does not mean that he has lost. He has, in fact, won, because the real loser is Kim Jong Un. President Trump is a winner!”

Reaction among world leaders to Trump’s award was swift. “That American president is truly a moron!” tweeted French President Emmanuel Macron. German Chancellor Angela Merkel’s official statement said, “The Chancellor has always known that President Trump is an idiot, but we now know that he is a fool, as well.” Chinese President Xi Jinping, writing on the social media website BaioDin, called Trump “a monkey’s rear end” and suggested that, “If he does go to Schmockholm to pick up his prize, he should wear a clown outfit!”

 Among U.S. Congressional leaders, Republicans were swift to praise President Trump. “I think it’s great that he’s won the Schmobel Prize,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. “It’s a very great honor for him, for the First Lady, and for the American people!” House Speaker Paul Ryan said the president should be given credit for the failure of the summit. “It’s actually a good thing. I can’t explain exactly why, but if we keep saying it’s a good thing often enough, some people will start to believe it.”

Rightwing talk radio hosts also celebrated the award. “I can think of nothing more fitting for this great president than to be awarded with the Schmobel Prize,” said Rush Limbaugh. “This is the answer to the libtards who have opposed him since Day One. President Trump is a winner!” Alex Jones, on InfoWars, declared, “The Schmobel Prize is the most important in the world. Americans should thank God that the Swedish Academy has recognized and honored our greatest president ever, including Jesus Christ.”

This blog is privileged to have obtained an advance copy of the speech President Trump will deliver to the Academy on accepting the award.

“Thank you members of the Academy. I accept your award of the Schmobel Prize. It’s funny, liberals are saying I failed. Well, this is a major success, because if there had been a summit, it would have resulted in a bad deal for the U.S., the same kind of bad deal Obama gave us with the disastrous Iran deal. I promised to make America great again, and that’s what I’m doing. By walking away from this summit—which, by the way, I never wanted, but you knew that, right?—I am saving America from another bad deal. If I had thought the summit would have resulted in a good deal, I never would have canceled it. But I’d rather have no deal than a bad deal. Make sense? Summit = bad deal. No summit = good deal. So it’s not a failure at all. In fact, it’s a great success. A very, very great success. In fact, this may be my greatest success ever! Let me repeat that: My greatest success ever! And finally, to my Swedish hosts, I love your meatballs.”

[FLASH TO FOX NEWS]

Sean Hannity: “President Trump today achieved his greatest success ever with the cancellation of a summit that would have been a bad deal for America.”

Fox & Friends: “Mister President, thanks for joining us. Congratulations again on the Schmobel Prize, and for saving America from a bad deal. What a great success you achieved.”

Trump: “Thank you, Elizabeth. You know, I never wanted that summit. Right? You knew that.”

Steve Doocy: “Yes, Mister President. We knew you were right.”

Trump: “Don’t forget, I am the world’s greatest dealmaker! Nobody negotiates a better deal than me.”

Brian Kilmeade: “Mister President, Democrats are saying Kim outfoxed you on this. He looks good and you look like you lost.”

Trump: “This is a witch hunt! Spygate! Lock Hillary Up! The FBI is a rogue terror plot! NFL! Witch hunt! Rogue FBI! Witch hunt! Witch hunt!”

[Cut to Fox news control booth, to on-air anchors]: “Cut! Cut! End this rant now! Cut to commercial!”

Fade to Black.


How many independent probes can dance on the head of a pin?

0 comments

 

House Intelligence Committee chairman Devin Nunes (R-California) announced that he is launching an independent probe of the independent probe of the independent probe into the Robert Mueller investigation of President Trump’s connections with the Russians.

“We need a truly independent probe of the independent probe of the independent probe to get to the bottom of this, because Democrats are using their independent probe to undermine the efficacy and integrity of our independent probe,” Nunes said at a press conference.

Just in case you, Dear Reader, have gotten a little confused: the first independent probe of the Mueller investigation was the one Trump demanded of the Department of Justice. The second independent probe was a probe of the first, launched by Senate Democrats into the role that Nunes and House Republicans played in attempting to obstruct the Mueller investigation through the first independent probe.

This latest independent probe was started by Senate Republicans to look into alleged illegalities in the second, Democratic independent probe. “We need a new independent probe, because these Democrats won’t allow our independent probe to move forward, in their desire to protect Hillary Clinton and hurt President Trump,” announced Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas).

It’s not clear how the various independent probes will overlap each other. Analysts warned of possible unforeseen consequences. “In some cases, an individual may be a suspect in one independent probe, whereas that same person could very well be a witness for the prosecution in another independent probe,” warned Murray Teilgarden, who studies legal issues at the conservative Heritage Foundation.

Democrats are expected to launch a fourth independent probe, says Eleanor Beasely, who analyzes Justice Department issues at the liberal Center for American Progress. “I wouldn’t be surprised to hear [Democratic Senate Minority Leader] Chuck Schumer announce he’s calling for such a probe tomorrow.”

President Trump, who briefly answered a few questions from reporters while playing golf at his resort in Palm Beach, said he fully supports the two Republican independent probes. “This Democratic so-called ‘independent’ probe into our two real independent probes is a fake independent probe,” Trump said. He vowed to win the independent probe race. “We will not allow an independent probe gap to develop in the Republican Party. For every independent probe they launch, we will launch a new one, so that we always have more independent probes than they do.”

A Senate staffer, who chose not to be identified because he was not authorized to speak to this blog, said that staffing shortages among both parties in the Congress might be expected, if the number of independent probes continues to proliferate. “The thing you have to understand is, each independent probe requires staff, including lawyers, investigators and office assistants. The Congress has only so many employees.” It’s likely, this staffer said, that employees will have to be transferred from other areas, such as healthcare, immigration, defense, environmental and foreign relations, in order to be reassigned to independent probes.

Late last night, just before this blog was published, came breaking news that Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Kentucky) has decided to create an independent probe of the yet-to-be-announced Democratic independent probe, in what one Republican staffer, who asked not to be identified because he is not authorized to speak to the media, called “a pre-emptive independent probe designed to make sure that the Democratic independent probe never gets off the ground.” That would raise the number of independent probes to five.

  1. The Republican probe into the Mueller investigation
  2. The Democratic probe into that
  3. The Republican probe into that
  4. The [likely] Democratic probe into that, and
  5. The [expected] Republican probe into that

Reached at the White House, I asked the administration’s chief spokesperson, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, if she expected the multiple independent probes to deter Mueller from pursuing his investigation. “You’d have to ask the President’s outside counsel about that,” she said. Trump’s chief lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, was unavailable for comment.


« Previous Entries

Recent Comments

Recent Posts

Categories

Archives