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Adolf Hitler talks about Donald J. Trump

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Why I chose to come back at this time is simple: I’ve come back before; I will come back again. I like visiting Earth whenever when interesting leaders are present. Having myself been a leader, and a historic one at that, I have some personal interest in leadership, particularly in strong men, who do not shy away from authoritarian practices when they are needed, as they always are in times of threat such as America is now facing. Nations do not become great, and remain great, by accident. It takes a leader, with the necessary vision, historical understanding and powers of persuasion, to lift a nation above its ordinary inertia to world power. I was that person for Germany, in my time, and would have succeeded, had I not been betrayed on so many fronts, by so many weaklings whom I trusted. But that is a tale for another day.

The man who has most impressed me—until now–since my departure from Earth, in 1945, was Pol Pot. Now there was a strong dictator! He knew exactly what he wanted and did not allow weaklings, doubters or naysayers to influence him. He knew how to deal with them. Summarily! Pol Pot was a leader in my mold—in fact, he said many times that he admired me more than any other world leader in history. That is not faint praise! I liked also Stalin and Idi Amin, but not as much as Pol Pot. Now, some have asked me if I admired North Korea’s Kim family. The answer—I must be honest—is, No. They were strong, and did not hesitate to be ruthless, but their strategy was too unremitting, too inflexible. A leader must be willing to turn instantly from one direction to another, if such a change is called for. I did that when I made my pact with the Soviet Union, in 1939, and then again, two years later, when I invaded Russia. The Kims have proven unable to be creatively resilient, particularly this current one, Jong Un. Perhaps he will change.

So why have I returned now? Ach, it is a good question! I think you know the answer. There is a world leader today who bears my closest and most careful scrutiny. He might almost have read my various books and speeches, so closely does he hew to my methods. His use of propaganda is most skillful; his lies masterful in their ability to thwart and confuse his opponents; the way he plays to his followers’ resentments is exactly the way I played to mine. And his hatreds! Ach, positively Hitlerian. His unpredictability leaves his enemies off balance. It reminds me of how I kept all Europe, indeed the whole world, guessing as to my next move, in the 1930s. First, rearming; then, the Rhineland; then Austria; then the Sudetenland and all of Czechoslovakia; finally, the Corridor, Danzig and Poland. But nobody ever knew if, where or when I would move. If you can keep your opponent guessing, he will be that much more unguarded when the blow lands.

That is what I like about this President Trump. It is true that, personally, he is repugnant to me, a vulgar, greedy billionaire, with a nepotistic family, the kind of bloodsucker I used in my rise to power and then discarded. But one need not like a man in order to admire his achievements, and I respect Trump. So ambitious! Like me, he dreams of unlimited power and authority. Like me, he makes no secret of his goals. I spelled them out for all to see in Mein Kampf. Trump did so, obliquely, in The Art of the Deal. He is perhaps not quite so audacious as I was; I was in a far more advantageous position because, in Germany in 1933, when I seized power, there were virtually no checks and balances with which to stop me. Trump faces a determined internal opposition, these damned Democrats, most of whom are Jews–the same cabal that was behind Roosevelt. But I believe that Trump has plans for dealing with them. I cannot read minds—that is not a talent of the dead. But I can read body language, and I see that this man—so belligerent, so allergic to normal ethics, so uncaring of what anyone thinks about him—has the stuff to dispatch his enemies. He merely awaits the opportune time. A great leader possesses, above all, patience.

And so I have returned. I cannot know for sure if Trump is aware that I hover around him, whispering in his inner ear. I like to think I have influenced some of his decisions: the Arpaio pardon, for instance, I was heavily in favor of. And—let me be entirely truthful—I think I put the Obama birther idea into his head. Trump’s scapegoating of colored people is exactly equivalent to my scapegoating of the Jews. I have other ideas for Trump, which I will not spell out publicly. But next time you see him on T.V., stirring up resentment and fear amongst his base, you might notice a slight shadow behind him, a crackling of the air; and you would not be mistaken if you said to yourself, “That is Hitler, murmuring to Donald Trump’s subconscious.”

 


June 13, 2027: Live, from the Trump Memorial, on the Washington Mall

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[from your faithful correspondent]: Blasts of rain and wind drive against the grey granite walls of The Temple, but inside, it’s warm, with the glow of ten thousand candles casting a golden aura on the giant marble statue of The Great Father. Above the slightly-bowed head, with its mysterious smile and cloud of hair, are carved in stone the immortal words that inspire America:

As he devoted himself to the nation, let us remember The Great Father, Donald, in our hearts

Despite the storm the Mall is thronged with a sea of humanity, numbering perhaps five million, said (by official Fox News) to be the greatest assemblage in Washington since the First Inaugural of President Trump. One by one they climb the steps to pay their respects to the President whom they loved in life, and now revere in death. The line has been forming for days and still there is no end in sight. The mood of the mourners can best be summed up in the words of a tearful Mr. Elwood Detweiler, a retired constable from Passagoulou, Alabama. “He made America great again. We will miss him. But the wife and me are prayerful that we are guided now by the Young Leader, Jared, and the Glorious Spouse, Ivanka.”

The Young Leader can be seen standing beside the catafalque, at the foot of The Great Father, 40 feet of the finest Appalachian marble. Leader Kushner has not moved for two whole days, except for reasons of personal hygiene. By his side, Ivanka. She in flowing, billowy black organza, as befitting a mourner. With them is the grieving widow Melania, silent and dignified in Zang Toi black tuille. The Young Leader himself wears the braided mustard-and-red colored Field Marshall’s uniform he has chosen for his official garb. The family’s mood, and that of the crowd, is somber, but hopeful. The transition, thank God, has been smooth, as President Trump intended it to be. Unmarred by petty politics, unhampered by trivialities like elections, the Young Leader has assumed his rightful place at the helm of the coalition with the glory of the morning sun rising in the east.

The nation has accepted this fundamental change in the way we govern ourselves, I am glad to report, without murmur. I might have thought that the rather abrupt suspension of the Constitution would have given Americans pause. But two things have redounded in the Family’s favor. First, of course, is the fact that so many of the dissidents no longer are among us. How fortunate we are to be rid of this vicious, belligerent libtard scum! In the words of the old saying, Good riddance to bad rubbish—and for that, we can thank the vision and steel nerves of President Trump.

The second thing—so closely linked to the first that it’s hard to say which was cause, which effect—was the Second Korean War. It is a pity that San Francisco no longer exists, but, on the other hand, perhaps America is better off without that sinkhole of communism and perversity. A pity, too, that upwards of 20 million people perished in the bombs, but—as Andrew Jackson noted, when he opposed the Civil War—“Freedom is not free.” The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants! Well it was that President Trump forged the New Coalition between himself and Leaders-for-Life Duterte, Xi, Putin, Assad, Erdogan, Kin Jong-un and Goldman Sachs. We have eliminated messy “democracy,” which really was not democracy at all, but mob rule, and replaced it with the prosperity and common sense of the Trump dynasty.

And so the nation rallies as The Young Leader and his Glorious Spouse assume the mantle. So attractive a couple, he so handsome, she so beautiful and glamorous. After—let’s call a spade a spade—the stain of the Obama family, what a pleasure to see truly humble, moral folk, real Americans of authentic heritage, in the nation’s seat of leadership. And how blessed we truly are in the knowledge that when The Young Leader (may his reign be long) passes the torch, in the wings awaits The Leader-In-Waiting, Barron, blond-haired, blue-eyed, said to possess a determination even fiercer than that of his father.

These are great times for America. Great times to be an American. All the world now says in unison, “America is great again. He made it so.” And as we get rid of the coloreds, the perverts, the Pocahontases, the communists, the lazy, the unhealthy, the whiners and complainers, the spongers, the free-loaders, the terrorists, the Mexican rapists and the cripples, we will be even greater and purer. Hail the Trump family! Is it a coincidence that tomorrow marks the birthday of our late, great leader? I think not. Happy Trump Day to you all! May Trump bless you and America!


Boeing: New Air Force One will be cozier, less costly

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BOEING CORPORATION

Corporate Headquarters

Memorandum

To: Executive Council; Board of Directors; Air Force One Division; Commercial Airplane Division; Defense, Space & Security Division; Human Resources

From: Dennis Muilenburg, CEO

Subject: Air Force One 747-8

Date: Feb. 20, 2017

As you are aware, President Trump has expressed concerns over the proposed cost of the next Air Force One. The President suggested in a tweet that the $4 billion price tag was “out of control.”

I had the honor of a one-on-one meeting with the President last week, at which this topic was of central concern. As I explained to reporters in Trump Tower following the meeting, “We made some great progress on simplifying requirements for Air Force One, streamlining the process, streamlining certification.”

I would like to share with you some of the simplifications I and my team envision in this next generation of Air Force One.

  • Eliminate up to four restrooms. The prior design had called for six restrooms. The new design calls for two: One for the President and his immediate family, and the other for everyone else.
  • Shorten the airliner’s length. The early design called for the new 747-8 to be the longest and second-largest airliner ever built, 232 feet in length, 196 feet in wingspan, and 4,786 square feet. Our redesign calls for square footage to be reduced by roughly 50 percent. This will necessitate eliminating up to 60 passengers from the carrying capacity. President Trump suggested that the media seating area be removed and replaced by a snack bar.
  • Interior cabinets and components all were originally to have been custom-built, using American craftsmen. However, in order to effect cost savings, all cabinets and components, including plumbing, refrigeration and heating systems, media centers, and all furnishings and fixtures, will be acquired off-the-shelf from Home Depot and Best Buy.
  • The Conference Room will be eliminated, as the President suggested he will have no need of in-flight conferences. The space (450 square feet) instead will be re-designated as a fashion-storage/changing area for the First Lady and other members of the First Family.
  • There will be no changes to the original designs of the following areas: the Presidential Stateroom, Presidential Office, Presidential Living Quarters and President’s Private Dining Room.
  • Finally, the historic coloring of Air Force One—a white body with blue nose—will change to white and red, to reflect the President’s red “Make America Great Again” caps. Savings will be enhanced by purchasing paint at wholesale from Kelly-Moore and hiring painters through Craigs List. President Trump emphasized that the red color is not an allusion to Russia.

We feel these changes will not only save money, but make Air Force One more family-friendly for our new leaders. I look forward to your comments.

Dennis


The secret Pence-Kushner tapes

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[Vice-President Mike Pence recently visited Jared Kushner, Trump’s son-in-law and point man on the Middle East, in Kushner’s 14-room penthouse apartment on the 51st floor of Trump Tower. I was fortunate to obtain a secret tape recording of that conversation from a source who requested anonymity because he was not authorized to release it.]

MP: Nice view.

JK: Yeah. That’s Central Park and Fifth Avenue. See that building over there—the pinkish one? That’s where Jackie Kennedy lived. And Nixon lived just down the block.

MP: I love the décor here.

JK: Thanks. Can’t take credit for it. That’s Ivanka. I’m a total moron when it comes to furniture. It’s basically Regency, with Asian influences—or so she tells me!

MP: You and me are going to be working together on this Middle East thing, Jared, so I thought we should get to know where each of us is coming from.

JK: Right.

MP: You know, I’m an evangelical Christian; they’re my people. We voted for your father-in-law in overwhelming numbers, and so we have to stay true to them and give them what they want.

JK: Which is–?

MP: I’m not sure how well-acquainted you are with the Bible.

JK: The Old Testament, I’m pretty good at! The New, not so much.

MP: Well, in short, if you read everything—from Genesis to Thessalonians to the Book of Revelations—it’s clear that the Rapture and the Second Coming of Jesus cannot happen until Israel is united and its capital is in Jerusalem and it wins a war against “the beast,” which obviously is Islamic terrorism.

JK: I’ve heard about that from some of my friends. You know, Mike, I’m an Orthodox Jew. I don’t believe in the Second Coming of Jesus, obviously, but in the meanwhile, we share some common interests.

MP: Exactly. We both want a strong Israel with its capital in Jerusalem. And we both want to defend Israel against any and all threats—which is exactly what your father-in-law has promised to do, unlike Obama, who basically sided with the terrorists.

JK: Thing is, Mike, when you think about it, ultimately our interests are going to diverge.

MP: What do you mean, Jared?

JK: Well, you evangelicals are going to want to convert us Jews to Christians, which is something that’s not going to happen.

MP: It’s true that we think you’re missing out on God’s plan. And you won’t get into Heaven unless you accept Jesus as Lord. But, Jared, that conversation is a long way off. Maybe years; we don’t have to have it yet. So let’s not get hung up on it. By the way—do you ever talk to your father-in-law about religion?

JK: Nah. There was some blowback back when Ivanka and I started dating, but mainly from my folks. Donald’s cool.

MP: He seems like a good Christian man.

JK: Actually, he’s kind of a non-believer, to tell you the truth.

MP: Really? I thought he was a strong Christian. That’s what he said when he gave that speech at Jerry Falwell’s college.

JK: Well, look who he was talking to.

[both laugh]

JK: So, Mike, when do you think your Rapture is going to happen, anyway?

MP: Who knows? I thought it would in 2011. Matter of fact, my wife, Karen, and I actually bought some survival supplies and were planning to drive up to Northern Ontario in October of that year, after a very great Biblical scholar predicted the end of the world. Course, it didn’t happen. Instead, Obama got re-elected, which, in its own way, was the end of the world.

[both laugh]

JK: Not as it turned out!

[both laugh]

MP: So, until push comes to shove, we’re on the same side on this one.

JK: Awesome! Let’s toast to that. I have some 2003 Cristal.

MP: No thanks, Jared, I don’t drink. That’s Champagne, isn’t it?

JK: Right. The best.

MP: I didn’t know it was kosher.

JK: It’s not. [giggles] At home, Karen and I are a little more relaxed.

MP: Who isn’t?

JK: Anyhow – good talking with you, Mike.

MP: You too, Jared.

JK: Call me Mr. Kushner, Mike. And please don’t refer to the President anymore as my “father-in-law.” He’s “The President.”

MP: Understood…Mr. Kushner.

JK: Just kidding!

[both laugh]


Trump and Putin: the secret tapes

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[President Trump spoke by phone with Russian President Vladimir Putin on Saturday. Here is an unedited transcript of the final few minutes of that conversation.]

VP: So was there anything else you wanted to talk about, Donald?

DT: Yes, Vlad, there is. I, uh, you know—I wanted to ask you—

VP: Yes?

DT: Well, you know, it’s that, uh, dossier. You know, the pictures? The tape recordings?

VP: Yes, Donald? What about them?

DT: Well, I just wanted to make sure you, uh—you know, they won’t be, uh, you know, released

VP: Now, Donald, we’ve talked about this before.

DT: Yes, I know Vlad, but I’m taking a lot of heat over here, and if the wrong people—say, my enemies at the New York Times ever got their hands on that stuff, it would be—how do you say “sayonara” in Russian?

VP: Proschay.

DT: Whatever. So you have to promise me—

VP: Look Donald, I don’t have to promise you anything. You know the deal. How this turns out is entirely in your hands. You’re in charge, Donald, not me.

DT: Well, I’m doing my best, Vlad. I’m trying to get the sanctions dropped. But frankly, my own Republicans are squeezing me. That damn McCain, and that fairy Graham. And don’t even get me started on the French, Brits and Germans. They’re holding fast on the Minsk agreement, Vlad. Theresa May told me she’ll never budge on that.

VP: Donald, are you a leader, or a loser? Seriously, you must learn how to lead, to bend people to your will. Like me. I am strong leader.

DT: Yes, you are, Vlad. Very strong. And I admire that. I really do. But I can’t just snap my fingers and get everybody to see you the way I do. I’m trying, but…

VP: Donald, I happen to have the photos in front of me right now. Right here on desk. There are six of them. Let me look at them, closely. You know, every time I see them, I see different things. For instance, on this one, where blonde girl is squatting over brunette, I never noticed that your pants are open, and you’re—

DT:  Uh, Vlad, I really don’t—

VP: And this one, where you’re down on your knees, beside toilet, and what’s that on your head? A maid’s cap?

DT: Vlad—

VP: And this one, where you’ve actually managed to squeeze into brunette’s lingerie. You know, Donald, you really should think about losing some weight. We have a diet here, the Crimean diet we call it, that’s low on carbs. Think how much it would add to your image if you could go without shirt and show off your six pack, Donald. Like me!

DT: Thank you, Vlad, I appreciate your concern. But back to the dossier…

VP: Oh, Donald, before I forget: Do you know what my security forces bring me this morning?

DT: Uh—

VP: More photos, Donald! Not of you, personally, but equally interesting, I must say.

DT: What are they of, Vlad? I’d love it if you could dig something up on Graham.

VP: It’s Melania, Donald. Your beauteous wife. From 10 years ago. Apparently they were taken in hotel room in Ljubljana. Quite compromising, Donald, quite risqué. What do you think I should do with new photos, Donald?

DT: I don’t know, Vlad.

VP: Look, Donald, I have to go. President Duterte is on the line. A fine President, don’t you think? One who knows how to run country. So, good bye, old friend Donald—Proschay! And do give my best to Melania.


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