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Impeachment: Day One

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Schiff poised, dignified. Nunes angry, scowling. “Hunter Biden! Burisma! Democrats!” Well, it’s all he, and Republicans, have. Shiny objects! Wave them in front of everybody’s faces and hope they’ll be distracted from Trump’s real crimes. It’s as if, at Nuremberg, Goering’s lawyer said, “Forget about Auschwitz. What about Roosevelt’s kickbacks from Warm Springs?”

Tribunal Lead Prosecutor: “What kickbacks, herr lawyer?”

“We have reports President Roosevelt is making money from polio babies by selling them candy.”

The Tribunal Lead Prosecutor appears stunned. “Good point!,” he exclaims. “We’re dropping the charges against Goering and instead changing the focus of this tribunal to Roosevelt’s kickback scheme. Herr Goering, you’re free to go.”

Goering: “Dankeschon, herr lawyer. Heil Hitler.”

* * *

Well, the above is an absurd little fantasy, of course, but everything the Republicans at this morning’s opening hearing did is absurd fantasy. The points of order…the constant interruptions to say the words “Hunter Biden” as frequently as they could…the insane theory that it was UKRAINE—not Russia—who stole Hillary’s emails and sent them to Julian Assange…the unbroken, tedious floating of conspiracy theories…the disgusting attempt to smear Schiff’s witnesses…the inability to say the word “Democratic” so that every reference to the party of Adam Schiff (and President Obama) is to “the Democrat Party.” Where and when did that start?

From Wikipedia: “Democrat Party” is an epithet for the Democratic Party, used in a disparaging fashion by the party’s opponents. [T]he term has grown in its negative use since the 1940s, in particular by members of the Republican Party…”.

Those conservative commentators include, of course, Donald J. Trump, who so far as I can tell has never used the word “Democratic” to describe the party since he raised a chubby, small right hand to take the oath of office.

It was impressive to see George Kent and William Taylor start off the proceedings. These are career diplomats and government bureaucrats; it was clear that their only motive is to tell America what they saw and how they felt about it, which was: Terrible, embarrassed, frightened. No American president had ever before attempted to bribe a foreign leader into meddling into U.S. elections in order to further the personal political agenda of that president. Kent and Taylor were appalled. Nobody knows what political party, if any, they subscribe to. It ought to be irrelevant. But Republicans, of course, have so few cards to play that all they can do is revert to their usual games—smears, inuendos, distractions—in the hope of furnishing talking points to Fox “News,” Breitbart, Rush Limbaugh, Alex Jones and the neo-nazis that now constitute the base of the Republican Party.

* * *

At the Kleindorpf breakfast table, somewhere in the Bible Belt:  

Thelma Kleindorpf: “Dear, I was watching Fox & Friends, and they said this whole Democrat impeachment thing is a scam.”

Adolf “Bob” Kleindorpf: “Why, of course it is, dear. They need to expose the whatchamacallit, the whistle guy, and throw his Democrat ass in jail!”

Thelma: “Now, now, dear, please don’t use dirty swear words in front of little Adolf ‘Bobby’ Junior.”

Bobby Junior: “Mom, I heard that Jesus loves President Trump.”

Thelma: “That’s right, Bobby Junior. Our Lord and Savior raised up President Trump to save us from the Demon-crats.”

Adolf “Bob”: I’ll tell you, if they get rid of Trump, it’s gonna be civil war. Bobby Junior, you locked and loaded?”

Bobby Junior: “Sure thing, dad. Ready to kill those Demon-crats.”

Thelma: “Don’t forget to pray, Bobby Junior. Ask our Lord and Savior to protect our great president.”

* * *

Well, that was another fantasy. There is no Kleindorpf family, or rather, there may be, but it’s strictly coincidence if there is. More fantasy: Let’s now meet the Kleindorpf family’s religious leader, Pastor Kent. Lee Harvey Kent was born to an evangelical family. He grew up on a farm and liked to milk cows. He was called to preach at the age of twelve, when he discovered he had an uncanny knack for exhortation. He now leads Our Savior the Lord’s Church of the Heart, whose congregation includes the Kleindorpfs. He’s married to Patricia “Tina” Kent; they have two children, Bethany, age 12, and Lee Harvey, Junior, 8.

Pastor Kent has several hobbies: bowling, wood carving, and sneaking off to Centerville, the biggest town in the area (population 3,200), where there is a video store on the edge of town, near the last gas station and about a quarter-mile down Tomahawk Road from O’Leary’s Saloon. Once or twice a week, after dinner, Pastor Kent—telling Thelma he has to leave to work on “church business”—goes to O’Leary’s, where he kicks back two shots of Southern Comfort, then proceeds to the video store, which has viewing booths in the rear where, for $1, he can watch five minutes of gay porn. This is Pastor Kent’s favorite form of recreation, next to counting the money in the Sunday tithing bucket. When he’s finished his business at the video store, Pastor Kent drives back home, where, typically, Thelma asks him how his “church business” went, to which Pastor Kent replies, “Fine, fine. Just doing the Lord’s work.”

“Praise the Lord,” says Thelma. “And praise our great president, Donald Trump. And Lord, if it please you, send those Demon-crats to Hell, and burn them in the fire.”


Donald J. Trump – President’s Daily Schedule

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Thursday Nov.7, 2019

5:00 a.m. President awakes. Goes to toilet.

5:40 a.m. President emerges from toilet.

5:41 a.m. President opens Twitter on his computer.

5:41 a.m. – 5:59 a.m. President tweets.

6:00 a.m. President turns on “Fox & Friends.” Calls for breakfast: 6 Eggs McMuffins, 3 Diet Cokes, 2 bags Lay’s Potato Chips.

9:02 a.m. President arrives Oval Office.

9:03 a.m. President receives Rev. Franklin Graham for morning hands-on blessing.

9:04 a.m. President orders valet to spray antibiotic disinfectant on his (the President’s) hands.

9:05 a.m. President orders mid-morning snack: a bucket of KFC fried chicken.

9:05 a.m. – 9:15 a.m. President eats fried chicken.

9:15 a.m. – 9:45 a.m. President visits toilet.

9:46 a.m. President receives Majority Leader McConnell.

9:47 a.m. President departs for Trump Rally in Davenport, Iowa.

9:55 a.m. – 11:15 a.m. On board Air Force One. Film scheduled: Cheerleaders In Bondage.

11:15 a.m. Arrive Davenport, Iowa.

11:27 a.m. President departs Air Force One, after toilet stop.

11:28 a.m. President arrives at red carpet on tarmac. Greeted by Charles “Chuck” Grassley High School football cheerleading squad.

11:30 a.m. President compliments lead cheerleader, Cindy [last name deleted] on her performance.

11:32 a.m. President departs airport for Rally.

11:37 a.m. President arrives at Rally.

11:39 a.m. – 12:19 p.m. President delivers remarks to Rally.

12:20 p.m. President served lunch: Chicken McNuggets, meatloaf, pepperoni pizza, grilled taco bowl, one package of Oreos.

12:30 p.m. – 2:00 p.m. President’s private time in toilet.

2:15 p.m. President arrives at Davenport Marriott’s Presidential Suite.

2:20 p.m. President receives Charles “Chuck” Grassley High School football team lead cheerleader, Cindy [last name deleted] for private meeting.

2:21 p.m. – 4:02 p.m. President’s private meeting time.

4:03 p.m. Presidential snack delivered: Chipotle chicken tacos, McDonald’s French Fries, Carl’s Jr. Cheeseburgers, Fried Potato Skins, Cheesy Popcorn, Chick-fil-A wings, shaved snow desserts (lemon, lime, pineapple).

4:31 p.m.—5:02 p.m. President’s toilet time.

5:03 p.m. – 5:13 p.m. Tanning time.

5:14 p.m. – 5:30 p.m. Hair styling time.

5:30 p.m. President studies important papers.

5:31 p.m. President watches “The Five” on Fox News.

6:00 p.m. – 7:00 p.m. President eats dinner: Outback 24-ounce sirloin steak, onion rings, mashed potatoes and gravy, vanilla ice cream.

7:01 p.m. – 7:32 p.m. Private time in toilet.

7:33 p.m. Private conversation with Sean Hannity.

7:46 p.m. Private conversation with Lou Dobbs.

8:00 p.m. – 8:47 p.m. Presidential re-visit with Charles “Chuck” Grassley High School football team lead cheerleader, Cindy [last name deleted] for private meeting.

8:48 p.m. President showers.

8:57 p.m. – 9:13 p.m. President speaks with Russian President Putin, by secure phone line.

8:58 p.m. President receives White House physician, who delivers nightly “pill cocktail.”

9:00 p.m. President tweets while watching “Hannity” on Fox News.

9:06 p.m. President calls in to Hannity to talk about “the fake Impeachment.”

9:08 p.m. “pill cocktail” kicks in.

9:09 p.m. President removes clothes.

9:10 p.m. President watches “The Pee Tape.”

9:30 p.m. – 2:00 a.m. President tweets.

2:01 a.m. Final Presidential visit to toilet.

2:37 a.m. President to bed.


Jesus Christ rakes Trump in address to Congress; Trump tweets he’s “Fake” and a “Scumbag”

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Feb. 6, 2020

President Donald J. Trump’s annual State of the Union address was supposed to have been delivered before a joint session of the U.S. Congress on Tuesday night. But instead of hearing from the President, the assembled Senators and Representatives heard instead a surprise speech by an unexpected guest: Jesus Christ.

It was shortly before the expected 8 p.m. opening remarks by the President that Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi gaveled the session to order and made her startling announcement.

“Ladies and gentlemen, I have been asked to inform you that the President will not deliver his remarks in person. Instead, they will be electronically transmitted by email.” There were gasps of astonishment from among the 535 elected officials. Then, after a short pause, Pelosi resumed.

“However, in place of the President, we do have a distinguished guest. Ladies and gentlemen of the Congress, I have the high and distinct honor and privilege of presenting to you the Savior of the World, Jesus Christ.”

For a brief moment the Congress was stunned into silence. Then, as a burst of radiant light appeared over the Speaker’s rostrum, a quiet, silent figure, garbed in a simple white robe, materialized. When the assembled Congress realized that this was indeed Jesus Christ, it erupted in cheers and, in quite a few cases, tears.

Mr. Christ’s remarks were brief, but powerful. He said he had come to denounce the President of the United States, Donald J. Trump, in the strongest terms. “This man has dishonored My Father’s legacy,” he said, referring to God. “He has trampled on the spiritual values I preached during My earthly lifetime. This Philistine has locked children up in cages, and insulted the least among us: the poor, immigrants, the disabled, even our honorable war-wounded. He has repeatedly lied. He has declared war on science: my Father instilled in every person, Reason and Common Sense, but this evil President has instead appealed to people’s anger and resentment.

“There is no place in My Father’s House for this man. He is unfit to hold the office he currently occupies. Although I generally preach Love and Forgiveness, I cannot forgive him his sins. He has destroyed the fabric of America, a land I love, the light of the world. He is tearing the world apart, which My Father created in hope and optimism. I support the efforts of this great body, the U.S. Congress, to impeach Donald J. Trump, to remove him from office, and then to lock him up!”

And with that, in a puff of light, Jesus Christ disappeared from the rostrum.

Within ten minutes, Trump replied to Mr. Christ’s remarks. In a series of tweets unusually vengeful even for him, Trump denounced Mr. Christ in the most savage terms.

“Who was that pathetic loser?” he began. “That was not the Jesus Christ I knew and grew up with in my New Testament. That was a Fake liberal. Where has he been for the last 2,000 years—hanging out with terrorists and Hitler?

“Nobody should listen to that imposter! He is corrupt and evil. I have instructed my Department of Homeland Security to find out who this criminal is and arrest him! How did he get into the Capital [sic] Building? Who let him in? Was Phony Nancy Pelosi involved in this conspiracy? Did Liddle Adam “Shifty” Schiff order Capital [sic] Security to let this possible assassin in? We have to get to the bottom of this!!

“Those Demon-crats caused this crime. They are atheists! They don’t even believe in Jesus Christ. I am hereby outlawing the Demon-crat Party and ordering the immediate detention of every Demon-crat Senator and Representative. They will be imprisoned and charged with Treason!!! Nobody can say such Horrible things about me—the Greatest President in the History of the World!!! I am a Genius! That Fake Loser who said he was ‘Jesus Christ’ was probably a gay transvestite Muslim terrorist! He didn’t look like a Real Man to me.

“I urge my fellow Republican Americans to go to your churches NOW and demand your preachers and ministers denounce what happened tonight in the U.S. Capital

Building. To my admirers in the National Rifle Association and among the nation’s police forces, I say, Grab your guns and go out into the streets and Hunt Down that Fake Loser who said he was Jesus Christ!! He’s hiding someplace, probably in Washington. Go into people’s houses, search them and if necessary rough them up until they turn that Scumbag over to my Security Forces.

“If the REAL Jesus ever comes back he will CELIBRATE [sic] Me because He SENT ME TO THE WORLD! You know that. Listen, Americans, don’t believe ANYTHING or ANYONE except me! That was NOT the real Jesus. That was FAKE! Who knows, it might have been a 400-pound libtard in his mother’s dirty bedsheets.

“We will get to the bottom of this, I can tell you that! Thank you my fellow Amercans

[sic]

. Our country is safe and secure tonight, thanks to Me! Trust in Me, my friends, and in no one else!”

Meanwhile, Vice President Mike Pence, appearing on “Fox & Friends,” assured Americans not to worry. “I know Jesus Christ—the real Jesus. He lives in my heart. That loser in the Congress was not the real Jesus. Fake news! Don’t believe your eyes—believe your trust in President Trump. God bless our Christian nation! Amen.”


From the Private Diary of Donald J. Trump

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Dear Dairy,

They say I’m a Racist. Well that’s just a dirty lie from the failing New York Times. I’m not a Racist, I just don’t like most Black people. Some are okay. Herman Cane is great. So’s Ben Carson. Did you know he’s a doctor? And that Clarince Thomas, what a guy! He was a great Womanizer you know although I don’t know what he saw in that Anita Hill. A real dog I’ll tell you.

You know who I also have a lot of respect for whose Black? O.J. Simpson. Great athlete, that I can tell you. I don’t know what sport he played—was it golf, or was that the other one, the one with the animal name? But I know he was famous and then he had that career as a movie star. As a T.V. star myself I can appreciate the hard Work that goes into success as an entertainer. I never met O.J. but maybe one of these days we can play a round at Bedminster. Memo to self: Ask Melania what she thinks of giving him a Metal of Freedom. That’s one of the things I’m entitled to do as POTUS. I was thinking of giving one to my friend Kim Jong Un. Maybe we could have them both together at the White House.

But this racist stuff bothers me. Just look at all those Demon-crats having a field day saying I’m Bigoted. Don’t they know the Republican party is the most Racially-integrated party in America? Just look at our House delagation. Many, many black, brown and yellow faces, that I can tell you. In fact Leader McCarthy, who I understand is part Black, was telling me that the Demon-crats are 99% white. Talk about Racists! I don’t know why these Blacks vote Demon-crat. Who freed the Slaves? Lincoln, a Republican! Who wrote the Civil Rights act? Newt Gingrich, that’s who. Who has appointed more Blacks to the Courts than me? Nobody has more respect for the Blacks. My father always said, “Donald, always try to rent to a Black in the slums.” That was good advice. We made a lot of money off renting apartments to the Blacks in New York, and I’ll tell you something else, they weren’t always screaming for new paint and carpets the way these Asians are.

Look, I kind of like AOC. I mean, she’s hot! Sure she has those big bug eyes but if you throw a paper bag over her head she’s not too shabby. A little older than I like ‘em, though. Poor Jeff Epstein. It’s a shame they got him. You know he’s just a surrogate for me, right? I’m the one they were after but they couldn’t get me because I’m too smart to get caught so they went after Jeff. I’ll tell you, we had some Hot times back in the day. Mar-a-lago in the 90s. We’d get 15, 20 girls, all under 17, the pick of the crop, the hottest, juiciest, sexiest pussy you ever saw, right? Just me and Jeff and buckets of Champagne, KFC and lines of coke Jeff got from his connection in Columbia. I miss those days. Of course, I can always have my Secret Service smuggle girls in to me wherever I am, but I try to limit that to 3,4 times a week. Melania’s been awful loyal and I wouldn’t want to hurt her.

I’m gonna win this election, that I will tell you. It will be such a landslide it will shock you. Most Americans agree with me when I tell them we don’t need those foreigners here. All those gooks and geeks and freaks, keep ‘em out! Send ‘em back to wherever the hell they’re from. Starting with those Sqaud girls. I think they’re from Somalia. Imagine, they come over here from their nasty little slums and all of a sudden start parading around putting down America and siding with El Qaida and helping the terrists plant bombs in Jewish places. I’m gonna remind the American people over and over what disgusting, horrible atheists those girls are. The fact that they’re all Black is irrelivent to me. By the way, did you notice they’re all Black?

But like I say I’m not a Racist! Here’s a list of the Demon-crats I’m gonna go after in the next few weeks. Elijah Cummings. Barbara Lee. Oprah Winfrey. Obama (Worst President Ever!). Corey Booker. Kammalla Harris. John Lewis. That awful James Cliburn. Most of ‘em white, right? Oh, and that Communist, “Doctor” Martin Luther King. I put the “doctor” in quotes because what the hell was he a doctor of anyway? Doctor of lies, that’s what. My F.B.I. showed me a file proving King hung out with Communist terrists. From what I understand lots of Blacks still do. That’s what I hear, anyway.

Well, the Secret Service just delivered my Cheeseburgers, so I gotta go now, Dear Dairy, but more tomorrow! That, I will tell you!


Three entries from the Personal Diary of Donald J. Trump

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Aug. 16, 1965

I just got called to the Selective Service Induction Center, down on Whitehall Street, for my physical to be drafted into the Army. Holy shit, I says to myself. But I told Dad, and he said, “Don’t worry about it. I’ll have my doctor friend take care of everything.” So the doctor—a Jew—wrote that I have bone spurs, and he said that will get me out.

Bone spurs! Ha ha. I don’t even know what a fucking bone spur is. Actually, now that I think about it, I do. It’s a fucking get-out-of-Vietnam-free card.

Did they really think Dad would let me get drafted? Puh-leeze. The Army’s for losers: the Blacks, Ricans from the Bronx, white trash from the South. Let them go to Vietnam and get their balls blown off. I’m too busy having fun at boarding school.

We had a great time yesterday at school. Some of the other rich kids and I were hanging out, killing frogs, when this twerpy little scholarship boy came by. He’s a Jew. Really poor; I think his father was killed in World War II and his mother is a seamstress or something boring like that. His name is Nathan. Nobody likes him. We usually pick on him when we see him, so I told the guys, “Hey, there’s that asshole Nathan. Let’s give him a hard time.”

We went over to him. “Hey, Nathan, you have a booger hanging out of your nose,” my friend said. We all laughed. Nathan was really embarrassed. He wiped his nose on his shirtsleeve—he was wearing the official boarding school shirt—so I said, “Hey, punk, that’s disrespectful to our school. Why are you disrespecting our school?” And Nathan turned all red and said he wasn’t disrespecting our school. That’s when I hit him. I like picking on little schmucks. They deserve it.

* * *

Nov. 15, 2006

I was eating at Jean-Georges yesterday with Pecker and in walks this babe. Drop-dead gorgeous, just my type, tall, with long wavy blond hair, a gorgeous ass and tits to kill. About 24 years old—just the way I like ‘em, fresh and young. She’s with this guy, a schmuck I used to know from Brooklyn real estate, a real gonif, name of Samuels. So I excuse myself from Pecker and walk over and get introduced to the chick. Stormy Daniels, she says, shakes my hand, looks at me, bats her eyes, and I just knew, and she knew, and she knew I knew that she knew. I made Pecker get her phone number before we left and I called her later that afternoon. I had a limo pick her up and take her to Trump Tower. Fortunately, Melania’s down in Palm Beach, so the place was empty. Man oh man, the sex was frigging awesome. She’s a freak, too…peed for me and everything, and then I fucked her and shot all over her face. It was wild. I think I’ll be seeing her again. That makes three this week. Only problem with these girls is they sometimes get knocked up, but $25 grand and an abortion takes care of that! Melania’s not exactly cool with me fooling around, but that was part of the pre-nup, so she doesn’t have a choice.

April 1, 2019

Exonerated!

No collusion!

That’s what the Mueller Report shows—just like I’ve been telling the world for two years. Now I can put this bullshit behind me and get on with the real agenda: getting re-elected, then getting Don Jr. elected, and after him, Ivanka, so we can have a Trump Dynasty in America!

Think about it. After years, no, decades of weakness under disasters like the two Bushes, Clinton, and Obama, we finally have a strong leader in America! We’re going to push this country so far to the right, you won’t recognize it. In fact, I’ve already started doing that. And while we’re at it, I’m going to destroy the Democrat Party once and for all. Why do we need two parties? When America started, under George Washington, we only had one party: the American Party! George Washington has always been one of my heroes. Like him, I never told a lie, and like him, I’m making a Revolution.

The fake media are howling over the Mueller Report!!! MSNBC just said that the Report proves I colluded and obstructed justice, and that Congress is now going to have to take action against me since even Mueller admitted a sitting President can’t be indicted. But nobody’s gonna believe the liberal media. I’ve groomed this country for two years. I’ve prepared them for this damned report by convincing them that Mueller, and Comey, and Rosenstein, and the rest of them, are bad cops, and that they shouldn’t believe anything any of them ever says about me. And Americans, bless their hearts—well, good Americans, conservative Americans—believed me. Now, here we go into the future. A Trump future. It’s funny how, in these moments of supreme victory, you think of small things. Like, the Secret Service told me two years ago they wouldn’t be able to smuggle women in to see me, no matter where I was staying, for “national security.” But now I’ve redefined “national security.” National security is whatever I say it is!!! And I’m going to tell them, “In the interests of national security, you have to smuggle women in to me.” If they argue, they’re bad cops, and I have the power to get rid of them. I have the power. The power. The Power. THE POWER. Nothing, nobody will stop me now!!!!!!


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