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Three entries from the Personal Diary of Donald J. Trump

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Aug. 16, 1965

I just got called to the Selective Service Induction Center, down on Whitehall Street, for my physical to be drafted into the Army. Holy shit, I says to myself. But I told Dad, and he said, “Don’t worry about it. I’ll have my doctor friend take care of everything.” So the doctor—a Jew—wrote that I have bone spurs, and he said that will get me out.

Bone spurs! Ha ha. I don’t even know what a fucking bone spur is. Actually, now that I think about it, I do. It’s a fucking get-out-of-Vietnam-free card.

Did they really think Dad would let me get drafted? Puh-leeze. The Army’s for losers: the Blacks, Ricans from the Bronx, white trash from the South. Let them go to Vietnam and get their balls blown off. I’m too busy having fun at boarding school.

We had a great time yesterday at school. Some of the other rich kids and I were hanging out, killing frogs, when this twerpy little scholarship boy came by. He’s a Jew. Really poor; I think his father was killed in World War II and his mother is a seamstress or something boring like that. His name is Nathan. Nobody likes him. We usually pick on him when we see him, so I told the guys, “Hey, there’s that asshole Nathan. Let’s give him a hard time.”

We went over to him. “Hey, Nathan, you have a booger hanging out of your nose,” my friend said. We all laughed. Nathan was really embarrassed. He wiped his nose on his shirtsleeve—he was wearing the official boarding school shirt—so I said, “Hey, punk, that’s disrespectful to our school. Why are you disrespecting our school?” And Nathan turned all red and said he wasn’t disrespecting our school. That’s when I hit him. I like picking on little schmucks. They deserve it.

* * *

Nov. 15, 2006

I was eating at Jean-Georges yesterday with Pecker and in walks this babe. Drop-dead gorgeous, just my type, tall, with long wavy blond hair, a gorgeous ass and tits to kill. About 24 years old—just the way I like ‘em, fresh and young. She’s with this guy, a schmuck I used to know from Brooklyn real estate, a real gonif, name of Samuels. So I excuse myself from Pecker and walk over and get introduced to the chick. Stormy Daniels, she says, shakes my hand, looks at me, bats her eyes, and I just knew, and she knew, and she knew I knew that she knew. I made Pecker get her phone number before we left and I called her later that afternoon. I had a limo pick her up and take her to Trump Tower. Fortunately, Melania’s down in Palm Beach, so the place was empty. Man oh man, the sex was frigging awesome. She’s a freak, too…peed for me and everything, and then I fucked her and shot all over her face. It was wild. I think I’ll be seeing her again. That makes three this week. Only problem with these girls is they sometimes get knocked up, but $25 grand and an abortion takes care of that! Melania’s not exactly cool with me fooling around, but that was part of the pre-nup, so she doesn’t have a choice.

April 1, 2019

Exonerated!

No collusion!

That’s what the Mueller Report shows—just like I’ve been telling the world for two years. Now I can put this bullshit behind me and get on with the real agenda: getting re-elected, then getting Don Jr. elected, and after him, Ivanka, so we can have a Trump Dynasty in America!

Think about it. After years, no, decades of weakness under disasters like the two Bushes, Clinton, and Obama, we finally have a strong leader in America! We’re going to push this country so far to the right, you won’t recognize it. In fact, I’ve already started doing that. And while we’re at it, I’m going to destroy the Democrat Party once and for all. Why do we need two parties? When America started, under George Washington, we only had one party: the American Party! George Washington has always been one of my heroes. Like him, I never told a lie, and like him, I’m making a Revolution.

The fake media are howling over the Mueller Report!!! MSNBC just said that the Report proves I colluded and obstructed justice, and that Congress is now going to have to take action against me since even Mueller admitted a sitting President can’t be indicted. But nobody’s gonna believe the liberal media. I’ve groomed this country for two years. I’ve prepared them for this damned report by convincing them that Mueller, and Comey, and Rosenstein, and the rest of them, are bad cops, and that they shouldn’t believe anything any of them ever says about me. And Americans, bless their hearts—well, good Americans, conservative Americans—believed me. Now, here we go into the future. A Trump future. It’s funny how, in these moments of supreme victory, you think of small things. Like, the Secret Service told me two years ago they wouldn’t be able to smuggle women in to see me, no matter where I was staying, for “national security.” But now I’ve redefined “national security.” National security is whatever I say it is!!! And I’m going to tell them, “In the interests of national security, you have to smuggle women in to me.” If they argue, they’re bad cops, and I have the power to get rid of them. I have the power. The power. The Power. THE POWER. Nothing, nobody will stop me now!!!!!!


Devin Nunes, Fluffer-in-Chief

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In his lawsuit against Twitter, Devin Nunes accuses the social media platform of disparaging him by calling him “a presidential fluffer,” among other things.

Well, I know what a fluffer is, but some of you may not, so here’s the official definition: A fluffer is “a person employed on a pornographic film set to ensure that male actors are kept aroused.” There are many different forms of arousal, of course; in this case, it doesn’t mean intellectually aroused, it means genitally aroused. The “fluffer” is the handyman who helps the male porn stars get the hard-ons they need to perform.

I happen to know a few guys who dabble in porn, so I reached out to them for more information. Two of them have first-hand knowledge of Nunes. One, Mr. X, who’s from L.A., told me that when Nunes was first hired to fluff for Trump, he [Nunes] knew very little about the art of fluffing, so he went to Mr. X for lessons. “He picked up on it pretty fast,” Mr. X. said. “I was surprised at how much he liked it. He thought it would be much harder.” Another friend—Mr. Y, a young model—told me that Nunes hired him to practice on. “We’d meet at the Motel 6 in D.C. every other day or so. He’d rent a room by the hour. He was very gentle, very tender. Nice hands. He told me he had a Very Important Client and he wanted to be the best fluffer in town. He never told me who his Big Client was, so when I found out it was Trump, I was like, Wow! The same hands that fluffed the President fluffed me!”

I have since learned, through sources I cannot reveal, that Nunes visited the White House at least three times a week, usually at night, between June 2017 and March 2019, to fluff the president. Whenever he did, he would go in through the back door, where the media couldn’t see him, and sign in with the pseudonym “Dr. Fingers.” One Secret Service guard told me, “Everybody knew it was Rep. Nunes. We just figured he was there for politically sensitive reasons and needed to be anonymous. Who knew that he was actually fluffing the president?”

Rooters, the European news agency, reported that on various occasions Trump and Nunes were not alone during the fluffing sessions. Although Rooters did not name any names, they implied that people of both genders attended, and that most of them were “intimately associated with Mr. Trump.” A few names suggested themselves to me: Ivanka Trump, for one. It would be natural for her to be at her father’s fluffing sessions, given their close relationship. I reached out to Ivanka’s press secretary, but she did not return my calls.

Another name that suggested itself was Mike Pompeo. The Secretary of State has long been rumored to be a “lady’s man.” Perhaps, I thought, he went to the fluffing sessions. I emailed his office and was told that “the Secretary does not share his private moments with the President.” Fair enough, but since both the Secretary of State and the President of the United States are paid by the U.S. taxpayers, don’t we have a right to know what they’re up to?

So I filed a Freedom of Information request, and after several weeks, I was sent some redacted pages from Pompeo’s Daily Schedule. There were at least 50 top-secret meetings between Pompeo and Trump during the fluffing period. Here are two typical examples:

Jan. 14, 2018: SOSP [Secretary of State Pompeo] at White House for private briefing with POTUS and one other advisor, Dr. Fingers. SOSP engaged in [deleted].”

Feb. 4, 2019: SOSP at White House for meeting with POTUS, Dr. Fingers and [deleted]. SOSP was advised to bring rubber surgical gloves and a tube of Vaseline.

After getting these documents, I asked Pompeo’s press secretary why he would need rubber gloves and lubricant for a White House meeting with the president. She replied, “The rubber gloves are to protect the president from germs. He’s very germaphobic. The Vaseline is because many of the foreign policy issues Secretary Pompeo deals with are hard and rough, and he needs all the help he can get to wrap his hands around them.”

So, lots of circumstantial evidence that Pompeo is part of Trump’s fluffing sessions with Dr. Fingers AKA Devin Nunes. At any rate, I’m told that the fluffing sessions, or at least Nunes’ part in them, have recently been terminated. Apparently, Melania found out, and hit the roof. “She’s been able to deal with the porn stars and pussy-groping,” my White House source told me, “but the thought of her husband getting fluffed by two men was intolerable. Melania thinks it sounds gay.” There have been insider reports that Trump is considering hiring either Betsy DeVos or Sarah Huckabee Sanders to replace Nunes as Fluffer-in-Chief, but I have not been able to confirm those rumors. Stay tuned!


Talking with a Trump supporter

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Meet “Mel,” a Trump supporter. Mel is a committed Christian. He is a member in good standing of the local Baptist Church, in Oneonta, a medium-sized city in Blount County, Alabama. Mel drives a delivery truck for a local poultry producer; he’s been married to Katherine, or “Kit,” for 17 years, and they have three kids: Mel, Jr., Donna and Keith.

Mel takes his religion seriously. His beliefs run exactly according to Southern Baptist Convention tenets: the Bible was divinely inspired and is the literal Word of God. Christ is the eternal son of God. Man is a sinner, and his only salvation is to accept Jesus Christ as savior. Children should be educated only in Christian-oriented schools. Marriage is the union of a man and a woman; homosexuality is as bad as bestiality. Adultery is a sin; cheating in financial matters also is a sin, since it is caused by greed and selfishness. It is the duty of the “state” (i.e. government) to protect churches.

Mel voted for Donald J. Trump in 2016, and so did Kit. Mel actually contributed money to the Trump campaign through the local Blount County Republican Party. He remembers when he first decided Trump was the right candidate for him. “I was watching Fox News when he announced he was running, back in June, 2015. I thought he was very presidential, and I loved what he said about making America great again.”

Now, here’s the catch: Mel knows that Trump is a bad man, from an ethical/moral point of view. Mel was watching television on the night of Oct. 7, 2016, shortly before the election, when his local news station aired the Access Hollywood tape. It shook Mel up pretty bad. “I mean, it was shocking. Kit actually made the kids leave the room.” The next day, Mel asked for a meeting with his pastor, the Rev. Dwight W. Hinckley. They met in the old brick church downtown. “I asked Rev. Hinckley if it was a sin for me to vote for Trump, in light of what I’d heard on the tape.” Kit had already decided to ignore the tape and vote for Trump anyway, but Mel was troubled. “Rev. Hinckley told me that, in certain cases, it’s permissible to overlook a man’s bad behavior, if he’s serving the cause of Jesus. After all, plenty of Bible figures were flawed. David, for example. He was a murderer and an adulterer, but God still loved him.”

Mel was convinced: he would vote for Trump despite what the tape portrayed. Over the next few months, Mel was bothered by other things Trump said: insulting the Gold Star parents, making fun of the handicapped reporter, calling Mexicans rapists and criminals (Mel and Kit’s lawn guy was from Mexico, and he was a good Christian), getting into fights with our Allies, lying about things like the size of his inaugural crowd, and then there was all the Stormy Daniels stuff. “Sure, Trump did a lot of things that I questioned. But, in the end, I’m supporting him because of his accomplishments. In my opinion, he’s the greatest president in history.”

Asked what those accomplishments have been, Mel starts with Trump’s judicial appointments. “We need conservative judges to stop the trend of judicial activism. I agree with Sean Hannity on that 100%. It was those activist judges that gave us gay marriage.” Mel also likes Trump’s get-tough attitude on trade and tariffs. “Those Chinese have been ripping us off for a long time.” Asked to cite facts, Mel replies, “Well, I don’t know the specifics. But everybody says they are, so it must be true.” Mel also is a strong believer in The Wall. “I mean, I’m sure there are some good Mexicans, but Rush Limbaugh was talking about all the rapes and murders on the border, and the drug addiction. We have to do something.”

Mel isn’t entirely comfortable with Trump’s National Emergency declaration. “Chris Wallace was saying how a future Democrat president could do an emergency on guns or healthcare.” (Mel is an avid shooter and hunter.) But in this case, Mel thinks that if there is a Democrat in the White House who tries to declare an emergency, “There are enough Republicans in the Congress to stop him, and if they don’t, we own the Supreme Court thanks to Trump.” Besides, he reasons, “Democrats are against anything and everything Trump does because they hate him.” Reminded that it was pretty much the same with Republicans when Obama was president, Mel says, “Yeah, but Obama was a socialist, and he palled around with terrorists.”

I asked Mel if he thought that Social Security and Medicare were socialist. “No, I don’t. They’re the law. Lots of people depend on them, including my parents and Kit’s mom.” Then I asked Mel if he thought that regulations to keep our air, water, food and medicines safe, are socialistic. “Of course not. Nobody wants dirty air, or to take poisonous aspirin.” Then what is it about government regulations he doesn’t like? “Big government is a threat. That’s how Russia started. Breitbart says that if the socialists, like that what’s-her-name, Ocasio, if they get in, they’ll take away our guns.”

Finally I asked Mel, if Russia is so horrible, how come Trump seems to support them in everything they want? “That’s fake news,” Mel told me. “In reality, Trump’s been tougher on them than anyone. If you don’t believe me, check out Jeanine Pirro’s web site.”

Well, there he is, in all his glory: Mel. What would you say to him if  he was willing to listen?

P.S. I hope you get a chance to hear today’s Michael Cohen hearing. America needs to hear the truth about Trump.


Behind the scenes in the Trump bureaucracy

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U.S. DEPARTMENT OF THE TREASURY

Internal Memorandum

From: Deputy Secretary of the Treasury [DepSecTrea]

To: Director, Secret Service Division [DSSD]

From now on, Secret Service Division (SSD) personnel are prohibited from smuggling women into wherever POTUS is inhabiting. This includes porn stars, ho’s and strippers.

From: DSSD

To: DepSecTrea

POTUS will be very unhappy. SSD has smuggled women into him for two years and he expects process to continue.

From: DepSecTrea

To: DSSD

Too risky. Journalists are suspicious, snooping around. Cannot damage reputation SSD/DOT to satisfy sexual lusts of POTUS.

From: DSSD

To: DepSecTrea

If you supply us with names of suspicious journalists, we can take care of them.

From: DepSecTrea

To: DSSD

Details.

From: DSSD

To: DepSecTrea

Accidents happen.

From: DepSecTrea

To: DSSD

On advice of DOT General Counsel, cannot comply.

From: DSSD

To: DepSecTrea

Accidents happen to General Counsels too.

From: DepSecTrea

To: DSSD

You miss the point. It is wrong to assist POTUS in his adultery.

From: DSSD

To: DepSecTrea

So what do I tell POTUS?

From: DepSecTrea

To: DSSD

Nothing. Just stop doing it. He may not notice.

From: DSSD

To: DepSecTrea

Not likely. He had us smuggle in 9 women in last 2 weeks.

From: DepSecTrea

To: DSSD

Is it possible to bring him SSD women instead of outsiders?

From: DSSD

To: DepSecTrea

Negatory on that. SSD women not his type. He likes tall skanky blondes. SSD women mostly swarthy Lesbians.

From: DepSecTrea

To: DSSD

How about boys?

From: DSSD

To: DepSecTrea

POTUS shows no interest in same sex.

From: DepSecTrea

To: DSSD

DOT General Counsel suggests meet with CIA Director of Camouflage. Skanky blondes can be made to look like Pence.

From: DSSD

To: DepSecTrea

What if skanky blonde Pence and real VPOTUS are in same place same time?

From: DepSecTrea

To: DSSD

Awkward. Might try “separated at birth” scenario.

From: DSSD

To: DepSecTrea

Could work. But POTUS might not like having sex with Pence lookalike.

From: DepSecTrea

To: DSSD

No, you idiot, camouflage would be removed once skank is with POTUS.

From: DSSD

To: DepSecTrea

Apologies.

From: DepSecTrea

To: DSSD

No problem.

From: DSSD

To: DepSecTrea

Just got word from POTUS at Mar-a-Lago. He wants a skank tonight.

From: DepSecTrea

To: DSSD

How do you usually find them?

From: DSSD

To: DepSecTrea

We have Directory. The boys call it the Skanklopedia. Five hundred blonde skanks in all 50 States, plus three dozen foreign countries.

From: DepSecTrea

To: DSSD

Problem! CIA Director of Camouflage on vacation this week.

From: DSSD

To: DepSecTrea

I explained to POTUS Secret Service unable to help him this week. Very angry! Insists Service is sabotaging him. Threatens budget. Says Service “enemy of the people.”

From: DepSecTrea

To: DSSD

Not good! Bringing in WH Chief of Staff Mulvaney.

INTERNAL MEMORANDUM

Office of the Deputy Secretary, U.S. Department of the Treasury

From: DepSecTrea

To: WHCOS Mulvaney

Dear Mick, we have a little problem over here with the Secret Service. POTUS as you know expects Service to smuggle women into him. But for variety of reasons Service no longer able to perform that service. POTUS angry, threatening. Intervention?

From: WHCOS Mulvaney

To: DepSecTrea

Not possible. POTUS not in mood to compromise. Afraid Service on own. Destroy this communication.

From: DepSecTrea

To: DSSD

Back to Square One. Idea: How about Ann Coulter? She’s tall skanky blonde, right? Press would not be suspicious if she met with him.

From: DSSD

To: DepSecTrea

Not sure POTUS sexually attracted Coulter. Once heard him call her “ugly donkey.”

From: DepSecTrea

To: DSSD

Makeup? Victoria’s Secret underwear? You know, sex her up. My wife can help.

From: DSSD

To: DepSecTrea

With all due respect your wife, not sure anything can make Coulter sexy. But we can try.

[24 hours later]

From: DepSecTrea

To: DSSD

How did it go?

From: DSSD

To: DepSecTrea

Not good. POTUS furious. Says she wouldn’t pee. Says he’s hornier than ever and might start foreign war.

From: DepSecTrea

To: DSSD

Uh oh. Maybe bring in Secy of State?

INTERNAL MEMORANDUM

Office of the Deputy Secretary, U.S. Department of the Treasury

From: DepSecTrea

To: Deputy Secretary of State [DepSoS]

Milt, POTUS is threatening to start war unless Secret Service provides him with ho’s, which we at DOT are reluctant to do.

From: DepSoS

To: DepSecTrea

Did he say which country he wants to start a war with?

From: DepSecTrea

To: DepSoS

He did not.

From: DepSoS

To: DepSecTrea

Well, it would be a helluva lot easier if you just complied with his wishes. Last thing we need now is another war.

From: DepSecTrea

To: Secretary, Department of the Treasury

Sir: I respectfully resign from the office of Deputy Secretary for the U.S. Department of the Treasury. It has been a pleasure to serve you and our great President Trump.

NEW YORK TIMES

Front page, the next day

U.S. Deputy Secretary of State Commits Suicide

Wife says he was “increasingly distraught” by demands of job


Guess who the new Chief of Staff might be!

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It is with great pleasure that I can inform you my dog, Gus, is on the short list to Chief of Staff to President Donald J, Trump.

 “This is a singular honor,”Gus told me, when I told him I’d read about it at @realDonaldTrump. He added, “I’m looking forward to serving the president, and to finding all kinds of new places to go pee pee and poo poo in the Rose Garden.”

 Trumpsaid in his tweet that he had to choose among “many verry fine cannadates. The choise is hard. It’s all down to 1 persson and 1 dog.”

Trump is not known to be a “dog person,” but a source close to the Oval Office, who did not wish to be identified because he was not authorized to speak with the media, said Trump gets along fine with his daughter, Ivanka’s, poodle, Stormy, and would be fine with Gus. “I don’t foresee any problems, unless Gus poops on the White House floor.”

When this remark was pointed out to him, Gus grew indignant. “I’m a very well-trained dog. My Daddy taught me manners, unlike some humans I could name. Besides, if I poop on the floor, it’s because I’m sick! And you can’t blame a dog for being sick.”

The other candidate said to be under consideration for the Chief of Staff job, Republican Rep. Mark Meadows, came under criticism last night when his ties to the Ku Klux Klan were revealed. In 1994, Meadows, then an altar boy, attended a KKK rally led by the group’s then Imperial Wizard, David Duke, and he took an oath to “make America white, straight and Christian again.” Although Meadows has since called statement “ill-chosen…if I offended anyone, I’m sorry,” he has never formally repudiated the KKK. Trump is said to be “concerned” that hiring Meadows would be bad optics for a Republican Party already widely perceived as racist.

Meadows also has struggled with reports that he leads a secret life as a homosexual. Although he and his wife, Debbie, have two children, Blake and Haley, Capitol Hill insiders insist he’s frequently spotted in gay bars, cross-dressing as a curvaceous blonde with a certain similarity to Kellyanne Conway or Ann Coulter.Said one LGBTQ leader in the Washington, D.C. area, “Some of us think Mark AKA Marsha looks more like Kellyanne than Mistress Ann. But I, myself, think he looks more like Mistress Ann. Don’t you? Ultimately, it doesn’t really matter, though, does it?”

Meadows is said to be the choice of Ivanka Trump and her husband, Jared Kushner. Kushner’s religion, Orthodox Jewish, is strongly anti-gay, and he himself has professed a “distaste” for homosexuals. When he spoke at a graduation ceremony at Liberty University last year, Kushner said, “I’m not in favor of punishing homos at this time. We’ll wait until Moshiach returns, and then we’ll deal with them.” But Ivanka, who had many gay friends before her father became president, is said to be something of a “fag hag.” One source close to the First Family says Ivanka and Mark AKA Marsha “frequently have intimate luncheons at which they discuss fashion, celebrities and musicals.” More recently, Meadows was implicated in the infamous “pool boy” scandal involving Jerry Falwell, Jr.

As Gus’s father and Guardian, I realize that my life will be changed when and if he accepts the new job. I spent a lot of time in the White House during the Clinton administration, and also visited from time to time when Barack Obama was president, so I’m somewhat familiar with the routine. It can be grueling. Your life is turned upside down; the demands are such that you can be summoned to a meeting 24-7.  And, of course, with the likelihood that whoever Trump’s new Chief of Staff is, he or she will have to hire lawyers as Trump’s legal problems drag in the entire West Wing staff, it’s of some concern to me (if not to Gus, who’s pretty ignorant about finances) that my meager savings might be depleted if Gus gets indicted.

Still, it’s an honor for my dog to even be considered for so important a job! By the way, requests are already coming in from the media concerning Gus’s positions on various topics. In general, he’s not very interested in politics, but he does have some views. I’m glad to share them with you.

Border Security and“The Wall.”Gus, who is half chihuahua, has very strong opinions on our Mexican neighbors. “I love Mexico, and I love carne asada.” (As Gus’s Daddy, I can confirm that Gus does indeed love beef, but I don’t give him very much, as I don’t eat meat myself.) Gus also likes walls. “People don’t stop to think about it very much,” he avers, “but walls are very nice places to stop and sniff and maybe go pee pee.”

RussiaGate. Gus doesn’t watch the news at all. To him, it’s just noise coming from a box; he sleeps right through it. But I’m sure that, if Gus were to take a position on the Trump-Russian collusion scandal, he’d be against it.

Social Media. Gus doesn’t have atwitter account, or a Facebook one, or Instagram, or any other social media. Ashe puts it, “Dogs can’t really perceive images on computer screens, so don’t show me a picture of beef, give me real beef!”

Extra-Marital Sex. Full disclosure: Gus was “cut’ when he was a puppy, so he doesn’t have a sex drive. And, as a libertarian dog, he doesn’t really care if Trump smuggles porn stars into the White House for his sexual relief. “As long as they’re nice to me and give me doggie treats, who am I to judge?”

We’re on pins and needles here in the Heimoff household waiting for the final word on whether Gus gets the job. We’re told that the president himself will phone us if the answer is Yes. So exciting! I’d love to meet him, and Ivanka, and Donald Jr. (my favorite Trump, after the president himself), and, of course, Melania and Barron. We’ll keep you posted; I know you’re as anxious as we are to find out what happens!


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