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What Carter, Clinton, Bush and Obama are waiting for

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Word has reached me that former Presidents Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and Barack Obama have agreed to a joint statement regarding the pending investigation of the current President, Donald J. Trump.

The four former chief executives and their chiefs of staff have been in continuous contact for the past year, mainly through secure telephone and email channels, although they also have met secretly from time to time, to discuss the ongoing crisis of the Trump presidency.

Among their main topics: When, and if, to issue a joint statement, possibly live on television, that reflects their shared judgment. All are said to be privately alarmed at the direction the Trump regime has taken and its impacts on both the United States and the world.

Pressure on the three Democrats, Carter, Obama and Clinton, has grown sharper in recent months, as members of their party, increasingly alarmed by the administration’s conduct, have urged the former leaders to more overtly condemn Trump and his associates for degrading the Presidency. One Democratic insider, close to both Clinton and Obama, told me that the two ex-Presidents are aware of the feeling in the party that they have not done enough to resist the deterioration of the nation and highlight Trump’s erratic and dangerous behavior.

Bush, the Republican, is under less pressure. But Trump’s insults of and attacks upon his younger brother, Jeb, are said to have irritated the Bush family. And George W. Bush’s Christian morals have been “deeply offended” by Trump’s behavior, according to a source close to the 43rd President.

The four former Presidents most recently conferred by a private, secure telephone connection in early August. They agreed to the following timetable:

  • – They will say and do nothing to directly attack Trump at this time, although they remain free to indirectly criticize him in speeches and articles.
  • – They will await the release of Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s report of his investigation of Trump, the Trump family and Trump’s businesses.
  • – If, as expected, that report accuses Trump of crimes and misdemeanors, such as colluding with a foreign country in the 2016 election, trading favors with foreign leaders for business access in their countries, or other illegal conduct, the former Presidents will issue a joint statement, either through a press release or, if possible, on live television, broadcast on the major networks during prime time.

Here is the text of that pending statement. The actual wording is subject to change, depending on the specifics of Mueller’s report.

“We, James Earl Carter, Jr., William Jefferson Clinton, George Walker Bush, and Barack Hussein Obama, having read and analyzed Special Counsel Mueller’s report, urge the Congress of the United States of America to immediately take up Articles of Impeachment against the 45th President, Donald J. Trump. His actions appear beyond doubt to have constituted the most severe breaches of Federal laws, and to have represented a direct attack upon the security of America. His ongoing efforts to impede the Mueller investigation are clear evidence of obstruction of justice. We urge President Trump to immediately resign from office, pending the outcome of Articles of Impeachment in the House and a Trial in the Senate.”

Privately, the four former Presidents are said to be reluctant to take any such irrevocable step, mainly because of the unwritten rule that former chief executives refrain from criticizing the current occupant of the Oval Office. But they appear to have been influenced by their wives, the former First Ladies Rosalynn Carter, Hillary Rodham Clinton, Laura Bush and Michelle Obama, to go further in their public denunciations of Trump. The First Ladies are thought to be highly offended by Trump’s misogynistic comments. Also influencing the ex-Presidents are their children, who are “alarmed and disgusted” by the ”scandals and degeneracy in the Oval Office,” according to a former Bush aide, who asked not to be identified.

It’s not clear what impact such a statement from four living former Presidents would have on public opinion, or on the Congress, and particularly its Republican members. House and Senate Republicans have been slow to criticize Trump, and most have embraced him, even while distancing themselves from his more embarrassing Tweets and public statements. “Can George W. Bush move people like McConnell and Ryan out of their corners into supporting impeachment?” asked the former Bush aide. “It’s not at all clear.”

Still, the former President Bush remains popular among what remains of centrist Republican circles. Beyond the Congress, Bush may be key to influencing the thinking of swing voters, who have their doubts about Trump’s conduct and mental capacity, but so far have continued to support him.

Mueller is said to be committed to issuing his final report before the November elections. According to three people close to them, the four ex-presidents, who each receive classified government security reports, are convinced that Trump has committed serious crimes and will be indicted by Mueller. “They’re shocked that he’s been able to get away with this so far,” said one source, “and President [George W.] Bush in particular is outraged that Congressional Republicans continue to roll over to protect him.”

 


Pence: America must Christianize outer space

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Vice President Michael Pence, in a speech to the Christian Broadcasting Network, said the U.S. “must establish space as Christian territory,” and vowed to launch the first “orbiting church” before the end of the President Donald J. Trump’s first administration.

Pence’s vision: an American-owned “First Christian Church of Outer Space.” The vehicle would measure 240 feet in width and 185 feet in height, making it bigger than the Crystal Cathedral, in Orange County.

Following up on Trump’s vow to establish a U.S. Space Force, Pence told the audience of evangelicals that it’s not enough for America to be the strongest military power in space. “We must also be the most religious power in space, and by that, I mean we must introduce Christianity to regions beyond our Earth, in Jesus’s name.”

Pence argued that Jesus is “King of everywhere, not just Earth,” and that his command to his disciples to “spread the word” was not limited to this planet. “Obviously, our Savior intended us to Christianize the world as we know it. Now that our knowledge extends beyond Earth to Outer Space, we must make that realm a Holy part of the Church, and bring God’s law to its infinite, atheistic reaches.”

 At a news conference following his speech, Pence was asked if the orbiting church would have all the usual accoutrements of a traditional church: pews, altar, statues, naves, even a steeple. “Yes, of course. Why not? That’s what God wants.” he replied. According to an official close to Pence, who asked not to be identified because he was not authorized to speak to the media, Pence has decided on a design for the orbiting church: a neo-Gothic-style structure, similar to the church Pence attends in Indiana, with stained-glass windows, that would orbit the Earth directly above the Equator, at an altitude of 22,000 miles.

The Orbiting Church, as envisioned by Mike Pence

Pence suggested that the first Reverend of the new orbiting church might be Donald Trump, Jr. The President’s elder son is expected to flee the U.S. in advance of being indicted by Special Counsel Robert Mueller. Asked what qualifications the younger Trump has to lead a Christian congregation, Pence replied, “That’s a stupid question. His father is our Leader, chosen by Jesus Christ personally to Make America Great Again. As goes the Father, so goes the Son.”

Pence also hinted that The Trump Organization might be contracted to construct the orbiting church. “The President has never built a church before, but he’s built hotels, resorts and condominiums, so I believe he’d do a great job. He only hires the best contractors, even when he doesn’t pay them.”

At her daily press briefing, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said she thought the church was “a great idea, and long overdue. As you know, America is the leading Christian country in the world, and President Trump, as a committed, lifelong Christian, believes that our leadership should extend to Outer Space, as the Vice President suggested.” When a reporter pointed out that building the church might lead to a “church space race,” Sanders replied, “I suppose you’d rather see a Mosque in Outer Space? A Bahai temple? A Wiccan shrine?”

Construction of the orbiting space church is expected to begin next year. NASA has not yet commented, but Pence said that many of the astronauts of the past have been “committed Christians,” and he expects NASA “to do the right thing and support President Trump’s efforts to bring Jesus Christ to the Heavens.”

The vice-president, in a moment of speculation, said he hopes the orbiting church will eventually be part of a “Christian community in Outer Space, a New Jerusalem, where we will send Christian Americans to colonize Outer Space in all directions. Imagine,” Pence continued, “Christian communities on Mars, Jupiter, and beyond. The whole Universe could be Christian.” Asked what the Christian colonizers would do if they came across intelligent life that practices a different religion, Pence said, “We’ll do what Christians have always done. We’ll preach the Gospel to them. But if they resist—as some have—we’ll just have to kill them, which is why President Trump is developing our Space Force. But we’ll do it with love: after all, as Christians, we hate the sin, not the sinner.”

 


Those rascally Repubs! Just when you thought they couldn’t get any worse

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One of the features of being on the road and staying in hotels is the omnipresence of USA Today. It’s not a bad little paper. It brings you up to date in the morning as you line up, cattle-style, for your English muffin and coffee in the hotel “dining room.”

Yesterday’s paper had a front-page story that, while not particularly surprising, was nonetheless horrifying: “Russia no drag on Trump voters.” The paper has a “floating focus group” of 23 panelists who voted for Trump; from time to time the editors ask them how they’re feeling about their president, and overwhelmingly (as the headline suggests), they are dismissive of the Russian collusion, of Mueller, and of Democrats, whose allegations, they believe, “have been overblown or misdirected.”

This is disappointing: a U.S. president who looks like he conspired with a foreign power to get elected has committed treason, in effect. (And we don’t even know the extent of Trump’s financial shenanigans because he won’t release his taxes.) Yet such is the psychological hold Trump has on his people that they don’t care if he is a tool of Russia. They don’t care about anything criminal, immoral or pathological he does. Their commitment is total.

Cult [noun]: a misplaced or excessive admiration for a particular person or thing. A system of religious veneration or devotion… regarded by others as strange or sinister.

Talk about strange and sinister! These Republicans trapped in their Trump cult have an inordinate amount of faith in their leader. They trust him implicitly. While most Americans feel that Putin is playing Trump or has something on him, JoAnne Musial believes “Trump is playing” Putin. “Everyone’s got it all backwards.”

Musial, a 66-year old retiree from Pennsylvania, is typical of cult members who have lost, or surrendered, their critical thinking skills. She also is typical of people who disregard facts that don’t fit in with their preconceptions. So is Barney Clark, a 51-year old “medical device account manager” from Georgia. The Mueller investigation is “a circus act,” he avers, without having the slightest idea what Mueller will discover, and probably not caring. Then there’s Francis Smazal, 55, a nurse from Wisconsin. Does the fact that Russia manipulated our election bother her? Not at all. All countries do it, she says; “Russia wants to prosper and survive, like we do. Sometimes that involves taking cookies away from us.”

It’s a good thing Francis Smazal wasn’t in charge of American policy after Japan bombed Pearl Harbor. She might have said, “Big deal. All they did was take a few cookies away from us.”

Burning cookies, AKA U.S. Navy ships, Pearl Harbor, Dec. 7, 1941

If Trump came out and declared that the Sun rises in the West and sets in the East, I suppose his credulous fans would believe it.

JoAnne Musial: Hey y’all, did ya see where President Trump says the Sun rises in the West?

Barney Clark: Really? He said that?

Francis Smazal: Barney, Is that doubt in our President I hear?

Barney Clark: Who, me? Nope. Totally believe the man and everything he says.

Francis Smazal: I should hope so. Way I see it, those snowflake Hollywood libtards been lying to us all this time, tellin’ us the Sun rises in the East when it obviously don’t!

JoAnne Musial: You got that right, Francis. Can’t trust a single damn thing a Demon-crat say.

Francis Smazal: JoAnne, watch you language. No need to cuss around the young ‘uns.

Barney Clark: Praise the Lord!

This is how America ends: not with a bang, but with a mental breakdown.

There’s no getting around the fact that Republicans prefer a one-man dictatorship based on propaganda more than they do a Constitutional democracy of the sort America has had since the Founding. If more proof were needed that Republicans have become and are becoming fascists, here’s this from The Daily Beast:

A public opinion poll conducted by Ipsos found that a plurality — 43 percent — of Republicans agreed that ‘the president should have the authority to close news outlets engaged in bad behavior.’ Twenty-three percent of Republicans agreed that ‘President Trump should close down mainstream news outlets, like CNN, The Washington Post and The New York Times.’”

Shut them down! Lock her up! Lock and load! Arrest liberals! Kill Obama! Cut off Pelosi’s head! Hang Elizabeth Warren! Eliminate welfare! Castrate the queers! Make Christianity the state religion! Deport Muslims! Burn the Constitution! Up with the swastika! Hail Trump!

Trump, to his supporters: “You have my back, I have yours. We will take back America and make her Great Again!”

Cheers! Adulation! Heils! Let the torchlight parade begin!

 


On Trump’s new “Religious Liberty Task Force”

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[The following is a transcript of what Jefferson Beauregard Sessions’s remarks to the new Religious Liberty Task Force at their first meeting]

Hello all, and thank you for being God-fearing patriots!

I want to begin by telling you—strictly off the record—about the RLTF’s mission: It is to protect Christianity in America from its enemies, including Islamic terrorists, “gays,” atheists, Democrats, coastal elites and abortion lovers. All of these categories, by the way, tend to overlap. For instance, Hillary Clinton is all five.

Yes, lock her up!

Now, we have to pretend we’re protecting the freedom of all religions. But, of course, there’s only one real, true religion, and that’s Christianity. So you can go out there and tell the fake news media that you believe in protecting everybody’s religion, and when you do, you’re telling the truth—because “religion” is “Christianity. As my sainted grandma said, if it ain’t Christian, it ain’t religion.

Now, some hardcore leftwing radicals like to tell the lie that our rights here in America come from the Constitution. But don’t let them fool you! Our rights come from Jesus Christ and his father, God. The men who wrote the Constitution were all Christians, and they would be the first to assure you that God—not they—wrote our sacred founding document. Wasn’t it Thomas Jefferson who said, “I celebrate the founding of the United States of America as a Christian nation, guided by God, in the name of Jesus?”

How is it that we as a country have gone so far off the righteous path that we have allowed unelected judges to wall Christianity off from governance? This has been a dangerous movement in America. These elitist judges have given us such misguided decisions as that town fathers cannot place creches at their City Halls—that miscegenation is permissible—that you can’t mine for coal, which is God’s favorite fuel–and that most horrible and sinful of all decisions, that men can marry men and women can marry women!

You know and I know that this is immoral and goes against Holy Scripture. We also know that it’s a slippery slope. What’s next—men marrying animals? Fortunately, our great leader, the wonderful Donald J. Trump, is doing what he can to prevent such blasphemy from infecting our legal system by appointing good Christian white men to the Supreme Court. And by the way, don’t get me started on the Supreme Court: the Founding Fathers intended it to consist only of Christian white men, but somewhere along the line this concept was perverted, and we now have women on the Bench, whereas they should be in the kitchen having babies. But that’s another story!

What’s that you say? Clarence Thomas? But keep in mind, he’s a Christian white man who just happens to be a Black.

Anyway, like I was saying, we need to keep the examples of the Pilgrims in mind. What brought them to Plymouth Rock? Religious liberty, that’s what! They came to America to get away from a government system that told them who to worship, and how, and when. They wanted liberty and freedom! That’s the kind of country they formed up there in New England. It was a place where everybody—men, women, children, Black, white, Indian—was free to do what he or she chose, without interference.

But now we’ve degenerated into this Big Government tyranny where you can’t even pray to Jesus at a City Council meeting without the atheist ACLU suing you. If you’re a God-fearing Christian baker, you can’t even refuse to sell a cake to a couple pedos who come in half-dressed and on drugs demanding that you put genitals on the cake in violation of your religious beliefs. Atheist courts have allowed Muslim suicide bombers to vote as long as they happen to be U.S. citizens! How did it come to that? But once again, our wonderful, blessed President Trump is working overtime to keep these foreigners out. We’re going to Make America White and Christian Again!

And that is why President Trump directed me to form this Religious Liberty Task Force. “Jeff,” he said, “I hate this erosion of Christian values we’ve been seeing happen under that Muslim radical Obama and those terrible Democrats. I want you to devote all your energies, and those of the Justice Department, to cleaning up his mess, and getting rid of these anti-Christian haters, and making Christianity America’s state religion.”

I told him, “Mr. President, I’d be happy to. But you can’t come right out and say you’re Christianizing America, because even this Supreme Court might find that unConstitutional. You have to make believe you’re in favor of all religions, even though you’re not.”

Well, I can tell you that President Trump is a reasonable man. He listened to me, and then he said, “Jeff, I want you to go out there and tell the Big Lie: that the RLTF is in favor of all religions. After all, I tell Big Lies every day, and I’m President.”

Look, you’re going to be lambasted by the liberal fake news media, with their hateful lies. The New York Times, Washington Post, MSNBC, all of that scumful crowd. God hates them, you know. And He loves you for doing His work, just as he loves President Trump.

God bless President Trump! We are going to assure every Christian his or her religious rights. And anyone who tries to stop us is going to be trampled underfoot, when the Saints come marching in with the fateful lightning of their terrible swift swords. Glory Hallelujah! In the name of Jesus, God Bless America!”


What We Talked About

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[This is from the personal diary of Vladimir Putin. I cannot reveal how I got it, but take my word, it’s authentic—the real thing! In it, Putin summarizes the conversation he had with Trump during that notorious two-hour secret meeting in Helsinki.]

Dear Diary, every time I see President Trump, he’s more humble. In the words of a recent American popular song, “Sit down, bitch.” He began by asking me if I still have the videotape. “Of course I do, Donald,” I said, squeezing his knee with my hand, in a gesture of dominance. “Why, did you think I would lose it?”

“Oh, no, Vladimir, I just thought that maybe…”

“Don’t worry, Donald, your little secret is safe with me—for now. I did manage to view it again, though, for the first time in a few months. Steamy, Donald, steamy! I’m not sure that, how do you say, watersports is of interest to me, but like the old saying goes, whatever floats your boat.”

“Vladimir, thank you for respecting my privacy. You know, if that videotape got into the wrong hands…”

“Donald, Donald, Donald. I’m your friend! I’m here to protect you. I would never want to see you be humiliated in front of the whole world…be impeached…lose Melania and your lovely family…lose your businesses…have your life thrown into utter hell…become loathed and reviled by History. All of which will happen, of course, if the videotape were to end up in the hands of—oh, I don’t know, let’s say, for the sake of argument, Rachel Maddow.”

“That would be bad, Vladimir. Very bad.”

“Yes, Donald, it would be a tragedy. For you…not so much for me. But won’t worry; as long as you remain, uh, receptive to my suggestions, the videotape will remain locked in my personal safe in the Kremlin.”

“Yes, Vladimir.”

“You did a good job the other day trashing NATO. I appreciated that. I also liked the way you attacked your own intelligence services.”

“Well, you wanted me to, Vladimir.”

“True, true. I did. And now, when we have our joint press conference after this little tete-a-tete, I want you to go out there and again savage your intelligence services. Tell those damn reporters you don’t agree that Russia meddled in your election.”

“Fake news, Vladimir.”

“Tell them what a great guy I am, Donald. Play it up—lay it on thick. Emphasize that the relationship between you and me is the most important thing in the world.”

“Well, it is, Vladimir. I’ve always wanted to be your friend.”

“And you are, Donald, you are! We are good friends, very good friends indeed. And friends help each other, right?”

“Yes, Vladimir, friends help each other.”

“So, Donald, I am going to ask for your help in a very delicate matter.”

“Anything, Vladimir. You name it.”

“Your translator, Donald—the nice woman from your State Department. I understand that your Senate is thinking of subpoenaing her testimony. Is this correct?”

“I’ve heard the same thing, Vladimir.”

“It would not be a good thing if that were to happen, Donald. I’m sure you agree, no?”

“I do agree, Vladimir. It would not be a good thing.”

“You have to stop it, Donald.”

“Well, Vladimir, I don’t see how I can do that. In America, we have a separation of powers. The Congress is a separate branch of government. I can’t tell them what to do.”

“Donald, Donald, Donald. Do you see my lips? They’re smiling. Of course you can tell your Republican collaborators what to do. Your base supports you, and those Senators are terrified of getting primaried.”

“Yes, Vladimir, that’s true. But even I have to watch myself around those Senators. They’re pretty touchy sometimes about their prerogatives.”

“So you’re telling my there’s nothing you can do about stopping her from spilling the beans?”

“I am, Vladimir. Believe me, I’d do it if I thought I could get away with it.”

“Well, Donald, then that leaves you with only one choice.”

“What’s that, Vladimir?”

“I’m sure you know what I’m driving at.”

“Actually, Vladimir, I don’t. How can I stop her from testifying? She’s a U.S. citizen. She’s free to do anything she wants.”

“Unless…”

“Unless what, Vladimir?”

“Donald, you know Novichok?”

“Who?”

“Not who, Donald. What! Novichok is the nerve agent I used to poison the Skripals. I have tons of it, Donald, more than I need for my own personal needs. I can arrange for a vial to be sent to you, and you can arrange for the translator to accidentally be exposed to it.”

“Vladimir, we have our own nerve agents. If I want to kill that translator, I don’t need your chemicals.”

“Then do it, Donald. Take care of the problem. And do it quickly! Remember the videotape, Donald.”

“How could I forget, Vladimir? You’ll never let me.”

“That is correct, Mister President. Remember that all the time. All the time. All the time.”

And that, dear diary, is what I told my friend, my vassal, Donald Trump. Oh, how Stalin would have wept with joy! How Krushchev would have marveled! How Brezhnev would have praised me! Finally, a Russian leader owns the U.S. president. I, Vladimir Putin, president of the Russian Federation, have the American president’s moshonka in my hands!


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