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A Monday Morning in Hell

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SCENE: A fiery cave. Flames lick the walls; the floor flows with molten lava gurgling from mud holes. In the deep interior the red-orange of a blast furnace flickers and crackles. Upstage left is a kingly throne of fire. In it sits the Lord of Hell, Beelzebub, Moloch the Cruel, Set the Voracious, Satan himself, in a cloud of buzzing flies. A gong sounds. From Stage Right a figure emerges, crawling on its belly, prostrate as a servant: the Rev. Jerry Falwell, his face crepuscular with waxen jowls dripping and steaming.

Falwell: My Lord, oh King of Evil, Thee to whom I pledge my faithful allegiance, You have a visitor!

Satan: Who presumes to call upon the Lord of Darkness?

Falwell: A spirit-visitor from the Earthen World, my Lord: Amy Coney Barrett!

Satan: Bade her enter.

(Falwell crawls backwards in respectful retreat. From the shadows emerges a familiar face. It is herself, the Bonded Wife of the People of Praise, imminently to be an Associate Justice of the United States Supreme Court: Amy Coney Barrett.)

Amy: My Lord. (She curtsies.)

Satan: I had a feeling We would be seeing you soon. What brings you to Hell, My protegé?

Amy: I just wanted to let You know, Lord, that I will do Your bidding, now and forever. Please let me know what You would have me decide in any given case.

Satan: That’s My girl! You have not forgotten Our deal.

Amy: No, Sire of Sin. That night in South Bend when You appeared to me from a dumpster as I walked my dog. I was so startled! But You comforted me.

Satan: (grinning) I remember. I was in the form of Michael Pence.

Amy: Yes, Lord. You were naked, and flames shot from Your nostrils, and You reeked of burnt garlic and sulfur.

Satan: My favorite scent. I must bottle it one of these days.

Amy: You asked what my deepest desire was. And I told You—

Satan: –You told Me it was to be on the Supreme Court!

Amy: Yes, my Prince of Foulness. And You told me—

Satan: –I told you it could be very easily done, in exchange for—

Amy: –My soul!

(Both laugh evilly.)

Amy: And that very night, You took me bodily into the Anus of Hell, and introduced me to all of Your Little Devils, and we made obscene chants and did things which I have yet to confess to my master, my husband, and I gave You my soul.

Satan: Yes. I never fail to get a kick when I take possession of a new soul. I’ve done it so many times: Hitler, Attila the Hun, Richard Nixon, Devin Nunes, James Woods. But I must confess, my dear, that when your soul passed into My ownership, I experienced something I never felt before.

Amy: Pleasure, my lord?

Satan: No. A sudden craving for ice cream, something I normally detest. Anyhow, I’m glad you felt the need to reassure Me that you will do My bidding.

Amy: Anything, Satan. Anytime, anywhere. You just call and I’ll be there.

Satan: Well, of course, you’ll start by overturning Obamacare.

Amy: (bows) Of course, My God of Corruption.

Satan: I hate Obamacare! All those people who get their lives extended because they have healthcare insurance, it’s all very abhorrent to Me. I don’t want people to live, I want them to die, so they’ll come here to Hell and be My slaves!

Amy: As You desire, Sire.

Satan: And then, as soon as you can, you’ll overturn that damned gay marriage thing.

Amy: (eyes suddenly huge bright orbs flaring lightning) Yes!

Satan: I hope I’m not speaking out of class, but I made the same deal with some of your colleagues: Rick Santorum, Mike Pence, Clarence Thomas, Matt Gaetz, Lindsay Graham.

Amy: I did not know that, Lord of Lies.

Satan: Oh, yes. I tried to get Pope Francis to sell me his soul, but he told Me he got to the Papacy on his own and didn’t need Me. To tell you the truth, I think he’s gay.

Amy: Oh, yes, My Darkness, I believe that too. Pope Francis is (she drops her voice to a hiss) a liberal!

Satan: Yes, a tree hugger. Well, we’ll see what he hugs when I’ve destroyed all the trees through deforestation and beetles!

Amy: May it come to pass soon! And there’s one other thing You asked me for, Oh Prince of Hatefulness.

Satan: What is that?

Amy: To overturn Roe v. Wade.

Satan: I’d almost forgotten! Yes, we must force these women to have their unwanted babies.

Amy: I promised President Trump I would.

Satan: You don’t say? Now there’s one of My successes.

Amy: Tell me about it, Oh Father of Flatulence!

Satan: I’ve been nurturing him since his childhood. He has always known what his task was: to serve Me and to spread My darkness. Such a good pupil, so willing to learn, to hurt, to destroy. In a way, My very greatest achievement. Of course, he hasn’t yet murdered as many people as dear old Adolf—

Amy: Not yet, Dear Leader of Lamentations.

Satan: A good observation! But give him time. I’m very proud of how far Donald has come. And, of course, even if he dies, I have Ivanka and Donald, Jr. and Jared. They sold their souls to me, in a Satanic Ritual we held in a bathroom at Trump Tower. I’m even thinking of making Ivanka one of my Devil Queens when she comes to live here.

Amy: Oh, Beloved Sperm of Sorrow, I would love to be one of Your Devil Queens!

Satan: (arching an eyebrow) Well, you’re not really my type. But we’ll see! Anyhow, I have a long list of appointments—the Senate Republican caucus is waiting in My anteroom—so I’ll let you go. But thanks for stopping by!

Amy: All hail Satan! (She bows down and exits backwards, as the flies swarm after her. Rev. Falwell re-enters.)

Falwell: Lord, I present to Thee the Republican caucus, led by Senator McConnell!

McConnell: Hello, Mr. Satan. It’s a pleasure to see You again. We haven’t chatted since the Merrick Garland affair.

THE END

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