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From the Personal Diary of Donald John Trump

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To be honest, Dear Diary—and you know I always am—I don’t see where in the Constitution it says we have to have elections. I mean, I’ve read through the whole damn thing—well, most of it anyway—well, a lot of it—and I haven’t seen a single place where it says, “You have to have elections.” It’s an option, at best. And we all know that during national emergencies in the past, elections were canceled. Didn’t Abe Lincoln cancel the election? And FDR? Well, we’re in a national emergency now, right? With Biden’s emails proving he took money from Lukashenko and sold America out. Why the hell doesn’t the “paper of record,” the failing New York Times, report on that? Because they’re too busy with fake news about me.

Anyway, I love freaking everybody out by saying I might not have an orderly transition. Everybody’s so jumpy! Relax, people. Where’s your sense of humor? These Democrats are so serious all the time. “Oh, we need healthcare for everybody.” No you don’t! We already have too many poor people in this country. They’re everywhere. I see them sometimes when I’m traveling with my Secret Service detail. You can always tell a poor person. They’re so unkempt. Melania hates them. She spends hours every day trying to look her best, with her makeup and her hair and her fashion and accessories. She’s always saying, “Donald, I am the First Lady. I have to look gorgeous all the time.” Why can’t these poor people take the time to look good? Besides, they don’t pay taxes, most of them. They’re takers, not givers. Romney had it right about the 47%. He’s such a jerk, that Mittster. I can’t stand people like that. One of these days he’s gonna get what’s coming to him. In my second term, I’ll—

Well, they’ll find out. Election, shmelection, as Jared might say. Great kid. He’s as ruthless as me. Maybe more so. Ivanka chose well. I don’t know which one of them should succeed me. Maybe it should be Junior. Well, we have some time before I make that choice. We’ve been meeting, me and the family and Barr, planning our strategy. We can’t lose, let me tell you that. I’m not sure exactly how we’ll pull it off, but we have decision trees that include every possibility. There’s no way, repeat, no way I won’t be sworn in next Jan. 20. Maybe I’ll win outright, although my advisors tell me that’s unlikely. But I’ll definitely win the in-person ballots and there’s no way we’re going to allow mail-in ballots to count. Look at what just happened in Pennsylvania! The U.S. Attorney there, Freed, did exactly what he was supposed to do. I remember when I met with him to interview him for the appointment. He was so ambitious. I said, “Freed, I’m gonna appoint you on one condition: you owe me a favor. I don’t know when I’ll need it, but I will. And I’ll expect you to be there for me.” And he said, “Mr. President, you can count on me. For anything. Anything.” And it came a little sooner than either of us thought. Good boy, Freed.

And even if some mail-in ballots survive the onslaught of lawsuits we’ll throw at them, I still own the Electoral College. When they meet on Dec. 6, guess who’s gonna constitute 75% at least of them? Trump supporters, that’s who. I don’t give a fuck what the popular vote is in Wisconsin or Pennsylvania or Florida or Arizona or Michigan or anyplace else. I’m winning all those states. You heard it here, Dear Diary. Besides, by then, I’ll have my new nominee on SCOTUS. That gives me six guaranteed votes. If this stupid election lands up there, my Justices will see to it that I’m elected. And Democrats can just go shove their heads up their rear ends.

It’s good to be President, Dear Diary. So much power. And who knew that the Constitution is so easily manipulated? I can’t believe how previous Presidents failed to take advantage of its loopholes. Nixon should never have given up in 1960. Reagan came close to ignoring it, but in the end he was too timid, too cautious. Not me! Timidity is for losers. Fortune favors the bold. People say I cozy up to dictators. Well, hell yeah! Why not? Dictators are winners! And I’ve said it before, Donald J. Trump is not a loser. I don’t lose. Ever. I do what it takes to win, and if a fucking piece of paper, the Constitution, gets in the way, I tear it up and throw it in the garbage. And what the hell is anyone gonna do about it? The Senate Democrats? Don’t make me laugh. Pathetic Nancy “Pantsuit” Pelosi? I don’t think so. Biden? I’ll shred him next Tuesday, you’ll see. Sleepy Joe is gonna be Sloppy Joe when I get through with him. I’ve got shit on Hunter he won’t believe.

Well, gotta go. I’m playing golf with Tom Selleck and Lindsay. I love that Lindsay. My FBI got some nice little photos of him with another guy. Everybody’s always asking, “Why did Lindsay Graham get so tight with Trump?” Well, that’s why. He does my bidding, the same way I do Putin’s, and for the same reason: Vladimir’s got that videotape of me with the prostitutes in Moscow. Well, that’s okay. I understand how the game is played. This is the big time, not tiddlywinks. Donald J. Trump plays for the highest stakes in the world. And he wins.

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