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Sexual Annals of The Donald: Ghislaine Helps Her Friend

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(October, 2011. Scene: A posh private club in London’s Mayfair District)

Ghislaine Maxwell: So you see, Donald, we can arrange it for later this evening, or for tomorrow evening, if you prefer.

Donald Trump: How about both?

GM: (grins) Somehow, I thought you’d say that!

DT: (signaling waiter) More onion rings! [to Ghislaine] Tell me about her.

GM: Oh, Anushka’s just your type. Nubile, flirty, a charming smile, not very bright…and wonderful hands.

DT: How old?

GM: Thirteen. Well, almost. In November.

DT: (licking his lips) Ghis, you’ve outdone yourself.

(Fast forward to Trump’s hotel room later that night)

DT: You’re a sweet little baby, aren’t you?

Anushka: Yes, Daddee.

DT: And you’d do anything to make your Daddee happy, right?

Anushka: Yes, Daddee. (sits on his lap, runs her fingers through his hair)

DT: Careful, sweetheart. Don’t muss it up.

Anushka: It’s so weird, Daddee.

DT: But you like it?

Anushka: (Kisses him) Yes, Daddee.

DT: What else do you like, sweetie?

Anushka: (smiles, blushes) I don’t know.

DT: Oh, come on. Tell me. What do you like?

Anushka: Well, I like this. (she touches him)

DT: (groans) How much do you like it?

Anushka: A lot, Daddee.

DT: Do you like this?

Anushka: Daddee! (both laugh)

DT: Does my little baby have to go potty?

Anushka: Yes, Daddee.

(Fast forward to 30 minutes later)

DT: Okay, get dressed and get the hell out of here. My wife’ll be here soon.

Anushka: But Daddee, I want to cuddle.

DT: No. Didn’t Ghislaine tell you?

Anushka: (pouting) Daddee make baby sad.

DT: If baby not stop cry, Daddee spank!

Anushka: (mock-terrified) No, Daddee! Please not spank baby!

DT: (takes belt off) Lay down!

(Fast forward six years. Trump is now President)

(phone rings)

DT: Yes? Hello?

Vladimir Putin: Donald! Is that you, Mister President?

DT: (sighs) Oh, it’s you again, Vlad. How’s everything?

VP: Very well, Donald. My associates and I were just watching the videotape again. You know, the one from London. Frankly, it’s held up well over the years. Very entertaining!

DT: What can I do for you, Vlad?

VP: Well, Donald, to be honest, I’d like for you to end the sanctions on the Russian Federation. And leave the Paris Accords. And defund NATO. And get out of Syria. And stop criticizing us for Crimea. And no more aid to Ukraine. And keep on denying we meddled in your campaign. And get us back into the G7. And say nice things about me.

DT: I think I can do all that, Vlad. Of course, these things take time. Those damned Democrats in the Congress, you know…Crazy Nancy and all that.

VP: Well, the clock is ticking on the videotape, Donald. Reuters would love to get their hands on it. Tick…tick…tick…

DT: I’ll see what I can do, Vlad.

(Fast forward another year)

DT: (at MAGA rally) Crooked Hillary! Emails! Benghazi! Failed Obama! Fake news! Rapists and murderers! White power! Praise the Lord! My good friend Franklin Graham! Liddle Adam Schiff! Make America Great Again!

(Switch to the Kremlin. Putin is with his advisors, watching Trump on T.V.)

VP: He’s good, isn’t he?

(All nod and say “da.”)

VP: What do you say we watch the videotape again?

THE END

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