Trump, Kushner families divest from fake COVID-19 drug
Memorandum
Top Secret
Need To Know Basis Only
From: Jared Kushner
To: Laurent Morali, President, Kushner Companies LLC
Dear Larry,
As you know, Kushner Companies invested $565 million in the pharmaceutical, hydroxychloroquine, earlier this year. The drug was to be manufactured at our factory in Bangladesh, due to the lower cost of workers and absence of government oversight. We took this step when we realized that the coronavirus pandemic likely would spread across the world, with the promise of even greater profits for Kushner Companies. It was estimated at that time that the Company would earn between $2 billion and $4 billion, depending on the severity of the outbreak and the effectiveness of our marketing.
Sadly, the Democrat-controlled Food & Drug Administration (FDA) has now rescinded the use of hydroxychloroquine for treatment of COVID-19. This is an outrageous decision, and my father-in-law, the President, has ordered a thorough investigation into how this travesty of healthcare came about. We intend to look into Democrat interference with the FDA’s operations, and criminal charges will likely be forthcoming against liberals in FDA management.
However, this does not decrease our financial exposure. Our legal team has determined that few people are likely to buy hydroxychloroquine, now that the news is out that it is useless against COVID-19. President Trump tried his best to sell the drug, and we did manage to sell approximately $150 million worth. But these sales did not offset our initial investment, and despite the President’s advertising pitch, it now appears that we will never recoup our investment.
As the owner of Kushner Companies, therefore, I am ordering you to sell all existing supplies of hydroxychloroquine. Get the best price you can, wherever you can, before the price drops to zero. I would focus on shithole countries in Africa and Southeast Asia, as well as Red States and Counties where the population has high rates of school dropouts and is prone to superstition. You might want to focus on Facebook for your marketing, since that social media platform is favorable to us. Mr. Zuckerberg, who is a personal friend of mine and a silent investor in Kushner Companies, has privately assured me we can make any claims we want, and he will allow our posts to remain.
Given the highly sensitive nature of this issue, I order you to take the usual discretionary procedures for this transaction. Have all business go through our friends in the Maldives and Cayman Islands. Use the usual third- and fourth-party fictitious entities and shell companies. Pay off officials as you see fit, within reason. See to it that my share is deposited in my Swiss account. Forward Melania’s share to her account in Slovenia. Under no circumstances may the President’s name be linked to any of this. Any leak of information, Larry, will be blamed on you.
[signed] J.K.
P.S. Go long on bleach.