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Trump’s re-election pitch


It’s exhausting, isn’t it? I mean keeping up with all the Trump scandals. That’s why I didn’t blog last Thursday or Friday. I’m just tired of him, tired of them, of Republicans. Everyday there’s a new crime revealed, a new attempt to subvert our Republic, another nail into the limbs of America. One runs out of literary metaphors. What remains, even if there’s nothing new to say about it every day, is a dull pain, like a toothache.

With this in mind, here’s the argument Trump’s going to make going into the election.

Why you should vote for me

No President since F.D.R. has confronted as many crises as I have, and won them all.

I led and won the two greatest battles of the 21st century: I created the Greatest Economy in the History of America after the debacle of the Obama Great Recession, and I alone, single-handedly, defeated the China Virus.

Democrats and liberals will never give me credit for these Amazing Victories. No, if it was up to them, our economy would be in the toilet, like it was during the so-called presidency of the corrupt, incompetent Barack Hussein Obama. And if was up to Democrats, the American people would be dying by the millions from this China Virus. That’s what Democrats want: they want you, the American people, to be poor and sick and afraid. Only then, in their warped imaginations, will a weakened, frightened public turn to the tax-and-spend Nanny State the Democrat Party always tries to impose, the way they’re imposing on YOUR freedom now with this sick, insane quarantine lie.

Liberate America! Open her up again!

But something happened during their march to dictatorship: God sent an amazing Savior to America (and the World?). You know who that Savior is. I don’t have to tell you His Name, because it is My Name. My people—the hundreds of millions of Americans who love me—always tell me the same thing. “God sent you, President Donald Trump.” At the risk of sounding un-humble, I will confirm that, Yes, I think He did. He sent me here to undo the damage Democrats have inflicted on America, our beloved country, and to restore our country’s Greatness and Belief in Almighty God. And that is why I will be re-elected in November by an overwhelming landslide that will catch our enemies in disbelief. Because Americans want God in their lives, and they know that, if Democrats are in charge, God will be banished. And that is why God hates the Democrat Party.

And who do you think won the Battle Against the China Virus? When Democrats were ignoring the early warnings of a pandemic, it was Me who warned Americans to prepare for the coming struggle. It was me who told Americans “This could be very, very bad.” In fact I predicted 100,000 deaths months ago—although you’d never know it because the Fake News refused to report it. I knew it, because I’m a stable genius. My own advisors, including the hacks at the Centers for Disease Control, were telling me this China Virus was no big deal. But I overruled them. That’s why, all during February and March, I was rounding up our country’s greatest experts, people like Rev. Franklin Graham, to fight the virus. I was galvanizing our American industries to produce the Personal Protective Equipment and Ventilators I knew would be needed, even as corrupt politicians like Andrew “Vote For Me” Cuomo were playing golf and nobodies like The Haircut From California were moaning and groaning and lying. And it was Me who is leading the effort to produce a vaccine. If the Democrat Party had its way, the drug companies would not be working at all to develop a vaccine, because these Democrats don’t believe in Science. I’ve had to push and prod and threaten them, because only I have the interests of the American people at heart.

And now these same Democrats are trying to outlaw church services! How dare they! Just because they’re atheists doesn’t mean the American people are. I will take severe steps against ANY governor who shuts down the churches.

Who does the world look to for leadership in fighting the China Virus? America, which means: Me. All these foreign leaders, they wouldn’t have a clue if I didn’t show them the way. They all follow me on Twitter. They don’t dare do anything without checking first to see how Trump will react to it. I can’t name names—you’ll have to use your imagination. But every day I get calls from Japan, from China, from Canada, from Russia, from Brazil, from Iran, from Korea, and they’re asking me, “Donald, what should I do?” That’s why I tweet a lot. Americans should know how lucky they are that I was here in 2020, instead of some shithole Democrat traitor.

People want to know, will we have an election in November? I don’t know. We’ll have to wait and see. It depends. The Constitution is silent on that. I may have to cancel it—temporarily, of course—but I hope not. That’s something I would not like to do, even though the Schumer-Pelosi loser Democrats are begging me to cancel it because they know they’ll lose, and badly. These polls are all crooked, anyway (except the ones that show me winning). We learned all about liberal-lefty polls in 2016, didn’t we? Lots of people have been asking me about the 22nd amendment to the Constitution, which as I understand it limits the president to two terms. How undemocratic is that? What if the American people demand a third term for a beloved president, such as me? Wouldn’t he owe it to them? I might want to go back to Mar-a-Lago in 2025 and live out the rest of my life playing golf, but if the American people beg me to stay, who knows what’ll happen? We’ll just have to wait and see, folks. That’s all I can tell you. MAGA!

  1. Edith Goss says:

    Steve, Let’s nomi ate this guy for the Guiness .Book for the Most Lies by any person, Alive or Dead.

  2. You’re right Edie!

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