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Why are all the other Trumps so quiet?


The Trumps have been remarkably quiet lately, don’t you think? I don’t mean the Loudmouth-in-chief, who reliably shoots his mouth off. But his wife and children: you hardly hear from them anymore.

Poor Melania, Ivanka, Junior, Eric and Barron. What’s that you say—keep Barron out of it, he’s too young? Baloney. The kid is 14 years old. He’s reached puberty and—oh, drop the shocked look, people. We have a horny little Trump fils, and if he’s not doing what horny little boys do, he’s not normal.

But I don’t mean to pick on Barron. I’m just wondering why things are so eerily quiet among the lesser Trumps. Yes, it’s true that @IvankaTrump, @DonaldTrumpJunior, @MelaniaTrump, @EricTrump and even @RealBarronTrump have their own twitter pages. But they haven’t been very active lately. Barron, for example, almost never tweets anything. He does retweet a lot, but only the pablum and propaganda of his father and the boot lickers who work for him, like Pompeo. In fact, the only recent tweet by Barron was a mysterious “Hahaah.” What could it possibly mean? “Ha ha, I’m Barron Fucking Trump and you’re not?” Or maybe someone was tickling him. I hate it when people don’t explain themselves.

Melania’s feed (interesting word in her case) has more anti-Trump stuff than pro-Trump. Melania herself has very little to say, which befits a person whose interests range from gossip with girlfriends to place settings. For every ass-kissing tweet such as that Man of God’s, Franklin Graham’s, “Happy birthday to our incredible #Flotus” there are a dozen attacks, including, I am proud to say, mine. I’ll be honest: I don’t like Melania Trump. She was a gold digger, in the old-fashioned sense of chasing after a fat, old unattractive man because he was rich. Since Trump chased after young, hot, vapid models because he wanted to fuck them, it was a perfect match. Each got what he or she wanted: tit for tat, so to speak, or maybe quid pro quo is more accurate.

Then there’s the curious case of Ivanka. All the Trumps are tone deaf, of course, but Ivanka’s case is world class cluelessness. Megan McCain’s recent comment about Ivanka’s tone deafness was spot on: yes, Ivanka was incredibly stupid for bragging about herself—a New Yorker—while all around her New Yorkers by the thousands were dying. What words come to kind when you think of Ivanka Trump? Self-centered. Entitled. Smug. Conceited. Exploiter of workers in her defunct schmatta company. Won’t age well.

Of all the Trump spawn, the meanest and nastiest is Junior, a chip off the old blockhead if ever there was one. The snake doesn’t wander far from the tree. You’d think Trump’s eldest son and namesake would at least try to cultivate a more humane image than his father, but humaneness seems beyond the capabilities of anyone in that crime family. Junior’s daily tweets, besides being untrue, are right out of the White House War Room: the usual attacks on the media, on the Obamas, on Trump critics, on Biden. Junior grew a beard, mind you, because he was ashamed of being chinless, an unfortunate physical affliction he inherited from his Drumpf ancestors. He fancies himself the “hot” Trump, because he was lucky enough to date another greasy-pole climber, the former Victoria’s Secret model Kimberly Guilfoyle.

Surely if there’s a celebrity in America more worthy of throwing a pie at, it’s Junior, but I fear I’ll never have the chance. I have this occasional fantasy of coming across someone I loathe in a restaurant and spitting at them, or throwing a glass of water in their face, the way Jose Ferrer’s character, Lt. Barney Greenwald, did to Fred MacMurray’s character, Lt. Tom Keefer, in The Caine Mutiny; and for the same reason: the man’s utter lack of character. I feel the same about Junior, not to mention his little brother, Eric, but Eric at least has the sense to have remained fairly quiet during his father’s illegitimate presidency, “won” with Russian help.

There are other Trumps, to be sure, including the little-known daughter, Tiffany, who looks rather like a cross between Ann Coulter and George Washington on the dollar bill. Tiffany has long, blond [dyed?] hair, but sadly, inherited the same bloated, chinless Drumpf face as her older brother. Is this unfair of me to point out her physical difficulties? I’m short, old, bald and have jowls, so there you are: what’s good for the goose…

And speaking of Tiffany, what is it with these blonde, long-haired anorexic women when it comes to Republicans? Now Trump has found another one, his new press secretary, Kayleigh McEnany, who is virtually indistinguishable from Tiffany, or Coulter, or Kellyanne Conway or Laura Ingraham for that matter. I have a bet with a friend that Kayleigh will last no longer than Oct. 1. As Trump continues to slide in the polls, she’ll be forced, first, to deny, then to obfuscate, then to dissemble and, ultimately, to outright lie, something she promised at her first press briefing not to do.

Well, if you work for Trump, promising not to lie is like promising not to defecate. You can’t not do it.

So, back to my original question: Why are the Trumps so quiet lately? I’m tempted to say because they know that every time they open their silly mouths they get themselves and Trump into more trouble. But that implies some degree of self-knowledge, and these poor people are sadly lacking in that. So it must be that someone is telling them to STFU. Trump himself? Probably. Why doesn’t he take his own advice?

  1. Bob Rossi says:

    These were the best lines of all: “Of all the Trump spawn, the meanest and nastiest is Junior, a chip off the old blockhead if ever there was one. The snake doesn’t wander far from the tree.”
    Also, with regard to the new press secretary, when I saw the article about her the other day and saw the picture with it, I thought that the article had mistakenly put Kelly Ann Conway’s photo there.

  2. Hah!

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