In Memoriam: A Dozen Dead Republicans
In this era of coronavirus, we pause to remember those who are no longer with us. These souls were all taken by the virus: all suffered horrible deaths, unable to be visited even by their loved ones. Rest in peace!
Donald J. Trump. The President of the United States—affectionately called “Ole 45” by his legions of admirers—passed away last week, at his estate of Mar-a-Lago. Trump, 73, was infected with COVID-19 by a porn star whom the Secret Service had smuggled in to see him. The President first complained of a headache on Wednesday, followed by a high fever and a wheezing cough. His condition rapidly deteriorated until, alone except for a nurse, he uttered his last words, “crooked Hillary,” and expired. At the announcement of his passing, an estimated 200 million Americans, plus uncounted billions around the world, went into the streets and sang, “Happy Days Are Here Again.” The Trump family has started a Go-Fund-Me account. There will be no public services, but a spokesperson for Melania Trump said the public could make contributions in the President’s name to the American Nazi Party.
Michael Richard Pence. The Vice President slipped away at his Indiana home last Thursday, surrounded by crucifixes and Bibles. He had said as recently as two days ago that he was immune to COVID-19 because Jesus would protect him, but this proved to be, if not a lie, then wishful thinking. He apparently became infected after touring a hospital without a face mask despite repeated warnings from doctors. Pence became seriously ill during a Bible-reading session. He lost consciousness and never woke up. Jesus Christ made a statement: “Pence was a homophobic son-of-a-bitch. The closest he’ll ever get to Heaven is standing on his tiptoes in Hell.” In accordance with the Pence family’s wishes, Pence’s remains will be cut into little pieces and dumped into ta polluted river.
Devin Nunes. The late Republican Congressman from California died from COVID-19 while screaming about China investigating Hunter Biden. Nunes was in the process of receiving a bribe from a nursing home owner when he grabbed his head, said “I have a terrific headache,” and slumped over into the lap of his lover, a male porn star. Nunes’ body will be covered with wax and exhibited in the Bakersfield (CA) Museum of History’s Most Disgusting Sickos, alongside that of Adolf Hitler, Kenneth Dahmer and former California Governor Pete Wilson.
Kellyanne Conway. She was chief spokesperson for President Donald J. Trump. Two weeks ago, she called the coronavirus pandemic “a Democrat hoax” and predicted her boss, Trump, would be re-elected in a landslide, an impossibility now that he is dead. Conway became infected after touching toilet seats at Washington’s Union Station and then rubbing her eyes, the outcome of a bet she made with her friend, Hope Hicks. Conway’s death was agonizing. At the end, she uttered, “The horror! The horror,” as if seeing something terrible in her sick mind. The family has announced she will be turned into mulch and sprinkled in the White House turnip garden.
Hope Hicks. Born 1988. Died Washington, D.C., April 30, 2020. A reigning beauty of her day, Hicks was turned by the coronavirus into a wrinkled old hag, toothless and covered with boils. Nobody claimed the body and nobody misses her.
Mitch McConnell. The 98-year old chinless pig from Kentucky was Senate Majority Leader. He had a “white marriage” with Elaine Chao, the Secretary of Transportation in the former Trump cabinet. McConnell was famous for not permitting the Democratic-controlled Senate of 2016 to vote on Judge Merrick Garland’s nomination by President Obama to the U.S. Supreme Court. Ironically, McConnell was infected when he tried to steal a garland of roses from a flower stand that had been spat upon by a sick white nationalist. The people of Kentucky were happy to learn of McConnell’s death. “Honestly, every time I saw that turtle face on T.V., I wanted to vomit. And I’m a conservative Republican,” said a voter. The State of Kentucky plans to name a toxic waste dump after him, “the Mitch McConnell Pit of Radioactive Garbage and Biohazardous Crap.”
Stephen Miller. Died watching pornographic films of Mexicans on X-Tube. The long-time immigrant hater particularly enjoyed young Latino women peeing on older men, the way his boss, President Trump, liked to get peed on by Russian ho’s. Miller’s body was found by his housekeeper, Rosita H., who castrated the body before calling 9-1-1. “I hated that gringo,” she told police. “He was the most evil bastard I’ve ever met.” Miller was denied burial in the cemetery of his fellow Jews. “We ex-communicated him three years ago when he went to work for Satan,” said Rabbi Yehudah Ferris.
Brett Kavanaugh. The Supreme Court Associate Justice died on Thursday. His symptoms of coronavirus included hallucinations and extreme sexual depravity. At the height of his sickness, he sexually assaulted so many female nurses that his hospital ordered only male nurses to attend to him. But he attempted to rape them, too, so, in the end, he died alone and uncared for, his bed smeared with his excrement. Chief Justice John Roberts issued a statement on behalf of the court: “Nobody here liked him anyway. He even tried to grope Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Let’s face it, Brett was an asshole, even compared to Clarence Thomas, who is an asshole but not as much of an asshole as Kavanaugh was.”
Melania Trump. The former First Lady showed symptoms shortly after her husband, President Trump, was exposed to coronavirus from a porn star. Her symptoms included weight gain. At the time of her death, Mrs. Trump had ballooned to 235 pounds. All her hair fell out, and the silicone that had been injected into her breasts when she was a “paid escort” turned gangrenous. Her stepdaughter, Ivanka Trump, said that Mrs. Trump “will now rest beside her beloved husband, our father, Donald, next to the swimming pool restroom at Mar-a-Lago.” The family has requested that no flowers or donations be sent. None were expected, since Mrs. Trump was widely ridiculed by the American people as a gold-digging opportunist.
Jared Kushner. The late President Trump’s son-in-law died from COVID-19 after threatening a Mexican family who lived in one of his Brooklyn slums that had been behind in their rent due to losing their jobs in the shelter-in-place crisis. “He came in here screaming,” said Lourdes G., recalling the night Kushner arrived unannounced. “My son was sick, and so maybe that’s how Mr. Kushner was infected.” Kushner’s disease progressed rapidly; at the end, he grew fangs and horns. Kushner’s widow, Ivanka Trump, said that while there was no room at Mar-a-Lago for her husband’s grave, “We might plant him at the Bedminster golf club, on the eighteenth hole.” Shortly before falling ill, Kushner called his father-in-law’s efforts to end coronavirus “A great success story.” Those wishing to celebrate Kushner’s death are asked to send comments to his Twitter account, @JaredScumbag.
Sean Hannity. He achieved fame and fortune by lying, spreading fear and propagating white supremacist theocracy on the fox “news” channel, which was a wholly owned subsidiary of the Trump Organization. Hannity became infected at a Nazi-KKK rally he attended, when he forgot to bring his own white sheet, and had to borrow one from a white trash friend who was infected. The disease impacted Hannity’s mind, which was already unstable. It also caused uncontrollable drooling, which was when fox “news” asked him to take a leave of absence since so many viewers were sickened by watching him. Upon Hannity’s death, Satan announced, on fox & friends, that there was a special place in Hell for him, right beside the plot reserved for Rupert Murdoch, who is expected to die shortly.
Rev. Franklin Graham. The Christian evangelist and son of the former T.V. huckster, Billy Graham, died on his vast estate in Asheville, North Carolina. His coronavirus symptoms were by far the most unusual of all known victims. Rev. Graham was stricken with all ten Biblical plagues in the last days of his life. “It was weird seeing him attacked by frogs, hail and locusts,” said one of his doctors. Graham, who was a leading opponent of same-sex marriage, went crazy in his last hours, and attempted to fornicate with his ventilator. His friend, the Rev. Jerry Falwell, Jr., said Graham had been “murdered by the homosexual Hillary Clinton,” although a more likely explanation was Graham’s association with a crack dealer who supplied him with needles. Funeral services will be held at the Graham family plot. Attendees are urged to ignore social distancing; masks will be prohibited. Buckets of bleach will be provided for worrywarts.
EPILOGUE
With the passing of Donald Trump and Mike Pence, the American presidency now passes to the Speaker of the House of Representatives, Nancy Pelosi.
Oh, Steve. That’s the best yet. I am still laughing. Great work. Cringeworthy, unrepentant, irreverent, and incorrect! God bless you. Or not.
Thanks Jeff. Always nice to know someone is reading this stuff and liking it!