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Evangelicals, Trump and COVID-19


Now that the memoir is over—temporarily?—I can get back to business: doing everything I can to make sure America has a Blue Wave election in November.

Like you, I watch this so-called president become more sociopathic and dangerous every day. His latest stunt—demanding the “liberation” of Democratic states—is obvious enough. He’s riling up his evangelicals to come out in record numbers and vote. Of course, the one thing he’s overlooking is that by supporting the early “re-opening” of the country, which seems to be popular among rightwing church-goers, thousands of evangelicals could die of COVID-19 between now and Election Day, because they went to their mega-churches and refused to respect social distancing and thus infected each other.

Speaking for myself, that wouldn’t be a tragedy. I mean, these evangelicals don’t even like life on earth. They see our planet as some sort of exile from their true home, which is heaven; and they long to go to heaven, where they’ll sit at the right hand of Jesus and play with dinosaurs, just like little Cain and Abel did in the Garden of Eden. So when I say I wouldn’t mind if millions of evangelicals die of coronavirus, that’s a sign of respect for them. Of course, I want them to be happy–I pray for it, every day–and if they’d be happier in heaven than here on earth, then let them die.

One thing the evangelicals could do to hasten their trip to heaven is to cough and sneeze on each other, and be coughed and sneezed upon in return. I could imagine a huge Christian revival rally at one of those megachurches. Just set aside twenty minutes for everybody to cough and sneeze, while the choir sings and the organist pounds out “Nearer My God to Thee.” Let’s say you’re running a fever and you have a sore throat and a lot of phlegm. You just go up to your neighbor in church, say “God bless you” and sneeze in their face, spraying as much spittle as you can. Your neighbor will then say “Thank you” and in turn go cough and sneeze on someone else. At the end of the 20 minutes (I’ve done the math), a congregation of 1,500 could easily infect themselves several times over. Assuming it takes anywhere from a few days to two weeks to come down with actual COVID-19 disease after exposure, I’d say that, if these evangelicals begin their work this Sunday, around 60% of them will be dead by the first week of June.

That means heaven is going to have to prepare for an influx of evangelicals. We don’t want heaven to be overwhelmed, the way our hospitals are overwhelmed, do we? So we have to begin preparing heaven for the huge invasion of dead evangelicals. Every newly-arrived Christian in heaven needs to be welcomed and guided by an angel (it’s in the Book of Revelations), but the problem is, there aren’t enough angels to welcome, say, ten million dead evangelicals. So the Church had better start getting ready now by having Christian volunteers commit suicide so they can get to heaven by April 26 and begin their training sessions to welcome the dead evangelicals.

Where can we find all these volunteer trainers? One place to look for them is at MAGA rallies! It all makes so much sense. Yes, at a typical MAGA “re-open America” rally you’ll find thousands of eager Republican Christians. Granted, most of them are obese, which makes them heavy and clumsy on earth, but the thing about being an angel is that it doesn’t matter how fat you are, you can still flap your wings and fly. So I propose to set up suicide tents at the MAGA rallies. Explain to these good people that if they kill themselves they’re helping God and Trump. And have Trump himself tweet the same message. I estimate that as many as 50% of the people who go to MAGA rallies will kill themselves. If you add that to the millions of evangelicals who will die of COVID-19, the sum total approaches 5 million potential Trump voters in November. Now, just to make sure that doesn’t cost Trump the election, an equal number, if not more, of Democrats will have to be prevented from going to the polls. If all the Democrats are allowed to vote (as Trump himself has pointed out), no Republican would ever win an election again in America. So the Republicans have to begin now to prevent voter registration, eliminate mail-in ballots, demand the payment of poll taxes, require identity papers that many poor and rural people don’t have, minimize the number of polling places in poor and rural communities, and engage in similar acts of voter suppression.

But it all ties together! It’s God’s plan. And the U.S. military has a role to play in this, too. They should start getting the thermonuclear stockpile ready for immediate use. When the time is ripe, they should launch the missiles on Iran, on Russia, on China. That will result in immediate retaliation, of course, but it’s all good, because the Rapture can’t happen until there’s global thermonuclear war. How will we know when the time is ripe to launch the attacks? Franklin Graham and Jerry Falwell, Jr. will tell us. They have a pipeline to God—everybody knows it. They’ll tell Trump when to order the launch codes activated, and then it happens!

How beautiful it will be! Evangelical souls and MAGA people rushing upward to the sky on their journey to heaven. Jesus welcoming them wearing his own hat, which will say MAHA: MAKE HEAVEN GREAT AGAIN. The Earth will be a smoking heap of rubble, but that’s okay, because the only people who loved the Earth were liberal Democrats, and they won’t be there anymore, they’ll be down in hell, having abominable sex, smoking pot, and taking the Lord’s name in vain. “Oh my GOD that orgasm was fantastic!”

So next time you hear about a megachurch preacher telling his congregants to disregard social distancing and come to church, don’t send them nasty emails by Googling the name of their church and using the “Contact” link. No, tell them you hope their trip to heaven proceeds smoothly, and thank them for coughing and sneezing on each other. After all, as the New Testament says, “Truly, I say to you, as you sneezed on the least of these my brothers, you sneezed on me.”

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