Live from the Corona Virus War Center, starring Mike Pence!
SCENE: Vice President Pence, wearing his “CORONA VIRUS CZAR” cap and the uniform of a Ruritanian admiral, directs the nation’s efforts to stop the spread of the dreaded disease.
Pence: Okay everybody, let us pray: Dear Jesus, please kill the corona virus from sea to shining sea in our great country, Trumpmerica.
Everybody: (Repeats prayer)
Pence: Send the socialist corona virus germs to Mexico. They’re all rapists and murderers anyhow.
Everybody: Amen!
Pence: We will build a Great Wall around Trumpmerica, and any corona virus that tries to get in, why, we’ll kill it!
Everybody: Kill the coronas! Jail them!
Pence: And if we catch any corona germs on our soil, our beloved President Trump will deport them back to their shithole countries!
Everybody: Deport them!
Pence: And now, a little entertainment. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Ted Nugent!
Ted Nugent: Thank you, Mr. Corona Virus Czar. This is the first paying gig I’ve had in years. Nobody will hire me anymore because I love President Trump.
Everybody: We love you, Ted!
Pence: Thank you, Ted! And now—
Ted Nugent: But I haven’t played my song yet!
Pence: –As I was saying, we have reason to believe that we know who’s behind this attack on our values by the corona virus. Do you know who the criminal is?
Everybody: Hillary! Hillary!
Pence: That’s right. Crooked Hillary. When she lost the 2016 election, she worked with Al Qaeda to develop this germ. Who hates Trumpmerica?
Everybody: Hillary! Hillary!
Pence: What should we do with Crooked Hillary?
Everybody: Lock her up!
Pence: Let us pray: Dear Holy Jesus, please lock up Hillary Clinton. Send her to jail. Make her suffer for exposing us to this Democrat germ, the corrupt corona virus.
Everybody: Kill Hillary! Kill Obama! Kill Liddle Adam Schiff!
Pence: That’s right. Liddle Adam Schiff helped Crooked Hillary develop the corona virus. Obama funded them. What do we do with traitors?
Everybody: Kill them!
Pence: But our Lord and Savior told us to turn the other cheek and forgive our enemies. So should we forgive Hillary?
Everybody: (Confusion. People turn to each other, scratch their heads)
Pence: (Smiling) Yes, my Christian friends, I know you’re puzzled. On the one hand, Jesus tells us to forgive; on the other hand, we want to punish our enemies, for they are His enemies, too. So who do we listen to?
Everybody: Tell us, Oh Pence!
Pence: Okay, here’s who you should listen to! I have the distinct honor and privilege of introducing the President of the United States, Donald J. Trump!
SCENE: To cheering, Trump descends to the stage, accompanied by trumpet blares and fireworks
Trump: Yeah, yeah, yeah, fellow Republicans! Let me hear you sing our new national anthem!
Everybody (to the tune of America the Beautiful):
Oh wonderful and blessed Trump,
We praise you to the skies,
You are so smart, a stable genius,
Strong and firm and wise…
Trump: So I hear you’re trying to decide whether to forgive Hillary or kill her. Do you want to know what I think?
Everybody: Tell us, Mr. President!
Trump: Kill her! If Jesus was here—any maybe He is, just maybe, you never know, do you? (winks)—He would strangle Crooked Hillary with His own hands! Then He would poke out her eyes, and rip her evil heart from her chest, and shoot her with an AK-47. He never said to forgive anyone—that’s another Democrat lie! If Jesus was here today, he’d join the NRA!
Everybody: Shoot Democrats!
Trump: This whole bible stuff is fake. The real bible was hidden a long time ago, and you know who hid it?
Everybody: Democrats!
Trump: That’s right. Because they didn’t want you to know the truth! And the truth is—I am the one the bible predicted! I am the Messiah!
Everybody: President Trump is the Messiah! All hail President Trump!
Pence: (bows down) Hail to thee, President Trump. God sent You to us.
Trump: That’s right. And now, lock and load! Get your guns, because we’re going out to hunt Democrats! And when we find them, they better look out, because God hates them!
Everybody: God hates Democrats! Look out Democrats! We’re coming to kill you, in the name of our Messiah, Donald J. Trump!
SCENE: Crowds marching through the streets, rounding up Democrats, beating them up, shooting them, hanging them from lampposts.
Trump: Okay, everybody, I have to go fight The Deep State.
Everybody: Bye, Mr. President! KILL THE DEEP STATE! KILL HILLARY!
(Trump disappears with his phalanx of Secret Service agents.)
Pence: Let us now sing the Corona Virus song:
Everybody: (To the tune of The Star Spangled Banner):
Oh, kill the corona
Bash its Democrat skull in
With the leadership of Trump
We will kill the corona and win
Our Dear Leader Trump
He will cure the disease
God shows Him the way
Let’s get down on our knees
And pray to our Leader
In whom we ever trust
And if you see a Democrat
It’s their head you must bust!
Pence: Amen, brothers and sisters! May the blessings of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, be upon you, and upon Trumpmerica!
FAST FORWARD TO 2024. Four hundred thousand Americans have died from corona virus. The economy has tanked. Unemployment stands at 24%. President Pete Buttigieg, who inherited the crisis from his predecessor, announces that former Vice President Pence will be hung in Lafayette Square the next day, at noon, for dereliction of duty. Former President Donald J. Trump’s whereabouts are unknown. Last seen in Moscow, he is said to be living in luxury with permission of his good friend, Russian president-for-life Putin. To this date, no cure or vaccine for corona virus has been discovered.
Hilarious! (or should I say Hillaryus). But it’s a shame America has come to this.
Glad you liked it! These satires are lots of fun for me to write.