Trump goes to Hell, meets Hitler
The last words of former President Donald Trump, caught on cell phone video by a paramedic called to the scene as Trump lay dying from a massive heart attack, have been definitively deciphered by a special FBI team.
The agency’s Audiographic Interpretation Unit reported Trump’s final utterance was:
“Hillary emails…Hunter Biden corruption…covfefe.”
Trump, who was 73 at the time of his death, suffered the fatal coronary attack at his Mar-a-Lago estate in Florida, where he was spending “quiet time with his family,” according to White House spokesperson Stephanie Grisham. In a separate account, the New York Times reported that Melania Trump, his wife, was in Manhattan at the time, and Trump’s four children also were out of the state. Grisham unable to explain exactly who “his family” was.
It is not known what Trump’s state of mind was as he died. Trump was known to have been obsessed with finding criminal activity by former First Lady and Democratic Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton and by Hunter Biden, the son of former Vice President Joe Biden. The “covfefe” remark is thought to have come from his now-famous tweet of May 31, 2017, which Trump has never fully explained.
The White House announced that a special memorial service for the late President will be held at Liberty University, with the Rev. David Duke presiding.
FLASH TO HELL
[The atmosphere is gritty black except for the orange glow of fire in the distance. The air is unbreathable, a corrosive mixture of sulfur dioxide and methane. Through the fog can be discerned human-like figures groaning and trudging, their backs hunched as if carrying heavy loads. A sign reads “SPECIAL INTAKE AREA.” At a desk sits a horned figure covered in scales and with a tail, as flames flare out of its nostrils. Suddenly, Donald Trump appears.]
HORNED FIGURE: Welcome to Hell, Donald Trump. Abandon all hope!
TRUMP: Where the fuck am I? Who the hell are you? Kellyanne—what’s going on?
HORNED FIGURE: Kellyanne Conway isn’t here yet. She will be in [glances at wristwatch] three years, two weeks, four hours and seven seconds.
TRUMP: You better tell me what’s going on, you libtard loser, or I’ll get Bill Barr after you.
HORNED FIGURE: Mr. Barr isn’t here either. His appointment is scheduled for Dec. 14, 2021. So you won’t have to wait long to see him.
TRUMP: It’s awfully hot in here.
HORNED FIGURE: As it should be. You’re in Hell, Donald.
TRUMP: Bullshit. There’s no such thing as Hell.
HORNED FIGURE: Really? [reaches for microphone] Paging Mr. Hitler. Paging Mr. Hitler. Will Mr. Hitler please report to the Special Intake Area.
[A burst of light, followed by intense heat. Adolf Hitler appears.]
HITLER: Yes, Master.
HORNED FIGURE: Tell our new guest, Mr. Trump, where he is.
HITLER: You’re in Hell, buddy. Same as me.
TRUMP: That’s fake news.
HITLER: Really? Is this fake? [Shoves a red-hot poker up Trump’s ass.]
TRUMP: Ouch! That hurts!
HITLER: It’s supposed to hurt.
TRUMP: Okay, supposing I am in Hell. There’s obviously been some kind of mistake.
HORNED FIGURE: Actually, no. There’s been no mistake. There never is. You’re in Hell because of who you are and what you’ve done.
TRUMP: Such as…?
HORNED FIGURE: You’re the worst person in the world. Or you were, before we gave you the heart attack. Specifically, you’re a bully, a liar, a racist, a deceiver, a rapist, a cheat, a thief, a traitor to your country, and a complete and total drag. You’re also a hateful, greedy, corrupt, vulgar bastard. You made the world a much worse place by being in it. To put it bluntly, you’re evil. And that’s exactly why our Boss, Mr. Satan, loves you. He feels one with you; he’s demanded that you come here to Hell. It’s where you belong. Oh, and before I forget, the Boss of the other place—that’s what we call Heaven—asked me to read you this memo: “Donald, you’re also in Hell because you repeatedly took My Name in vain. Love, God.”
TRUMP: Wow. I don’t know what to say.
HITLER: Can I go now, Master?
HORNED FIGURE: Yes, Adolf. And show Mr. Trump to his room. The Covfefe Suite, the one inside the furnace.
[Hitler bows formally, grabs Trump by the arm. As they exit into the flames, we hear Trump’s voice one final time:]
TRUMP: Hey, are there any fuckable porn stars here?
