TOP SECRET – PRESIDENTIAL TRANSCRIPTS RE: JOHN BOLTON
President’s Daily Schedule
9:45 a.m. – meet with Director Secret Service
The President: Um, Phil, I need you to do me a favor, though.
Director SS: What’s that, Mister President?
The President: Well, this guy, John Bolton—a real bad one, trouble, if you know what I mean—I need for you to arrange for him to have an “accident.”
Director SS: Not sure what you’re driving at, Sir.
The President: You know, an accident: car crash, fall out of a window, something like that. I’m sure you’ve arranged for such things before.
Director SS: Mister President, the Secret Service isn’t in the assassination business.
* * *
10:15 a.m. – meet with Director, Central Intelligence Agency
The President: Um, Louis, we kill people, don’t we?
Director CIA: When we have to, yes, Mister President.
The President: I mean, like we killed Soleimani, right?
Director CIA: Indeed we did, Sir. On your orders.
The President: Right. Well, I’m ordering you to kill someone else.
Director CIA: Certainly, Mister President. Might I ask whom?
The President: This John Bolton. He’s trouble. Bigtime trouble. A threat to national security.
Director CIA: Actually, sir, that’s factually incorrect. He’s been a loyal American all of his life.
The President: Look, Louis, I know things about him you don’t.
Director CIA: I doubt that, Mister President.
The President: Anyhow, I need for you to kill him.
Director CIA: Sir, the CIA isn’t in the business of assassinating your political enemies. I respectfully decline, sir.
* * *
10:45 a.m. – Meet with top advisor, Jared Kushner
The President: Well, Jar, how’s it hanging?
JK: Good, sir. How are you?
The President: Look, lemme ask you something. You must have run into some mafia types when you were a developer in New York, right?
JK: Well, sir, there were people who were rumored to be associated with the mob. But I never really knew.
The President: Well, do you think you could find me a hit man?
JK: A hit man, sir?
The President: Yeah. There’s a little business I need taken care of.
JK: And that is–?
The President: Bolton. He’s out of control. Bad news. I can’t get any of my official government people to take care of him, so I want you to find me a mafia assassin. You know, a couple bullets right between his eyes—ka-pow! That would solve the problem.
JK: I dunno, sir. I’d have to talk that over with Ivanka.
The President: No, you don’t. Let’s leave her out of it, okay? Need to know! So, can you dig up, you know, someone who “paints houses”?
JK: Um, can we put that on hold for a while, sir? I have to bring peace to the Middle East first.
* * *
11:15 a.m. – meet with Vice President Mike Pence
The President: Mikey, Mikey, how’s my favorite evangelical today?
The Vice President: Very well, sir, glory be to God.
The President: Ah yes, God. My favorite deity. Say, Mike, you must know a lot of true believers.
The Vice President: Yes, sir, if by “true believers” you mean men and women who would do anything for Christ.
The President: Well, that’s what I’m driving at. I need someone who will do “anything.”
The Vice President: “He who would follow Me must be prepared to give up his own life, to become Mine.” That’s John, chapter 24, verse 12, sir—as you know.
The President: What I’m thinking is someone a little unstable. Someone who knows how to handle a gun.
The Vice President: I know many fine men who have been born again and who belong to the NRA, sir.
The President: That’s great, Mike. Can you set me up with a meeting?
The Vice President: Well, I’d need a little more information. What sort of task did you have in mind?
The President: To be frank, I want someone who will kill John Bolton.
The Vice President: Really, sir? Your former National Security Advisor?
The President: Yup.
The Vice President: Hmmm. I’m sure it could be arranged. But would it be right?
The President: Yes, it would be right, because I say so. And I’m entitled to do anything I want.
The Vice President: Yes you are, sir. All right, I’ll put in a call to Rev. Graham and see what we can do. Thank you sir.
The President: Thank you, Mike. And God bless!
The Vice President: And God bless you, sir. [extends hand for handshake, leaves]
The President [to his secretary]: Mary, bring in a bottle of hand sanitizer, will you? Oh, and tell Melania I’ll be coming back for lunch. A bucket of McDonald’s, 2 Carl’s Junior Cheeseburgers, and a Giant Gulp.
