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Leaked! A secret conversation between Trump and Mick Mulvaney


[Mulvaney is Trump’s Acting Chief of Staff. They’re in the Oval Office of the White House.]

Mulvaney: The thing is, Mr. President, there are international treaties that prohibit the deliberate destruction of cultural sites in warfare.

Trump: Depends how you define a “cultural site,” doesn’t it, Matt?

Mulvaney: Mick, sir. My first name is Mick.

Trump: Whatever. But look, Kellyanne came up with a list of things I can bomb in Iran. I want you to take a look at it and tell me what you think.

Mulvaney [studying the list]: I can’t read this very well, sir. Her handwriting is so bad.

Trump: Yeah, well, penmanship isn’t one of Kellyanne’s strengths. She’s an intellectual.

Mulvaney: Okay, so she has the Golestan Palace. Mr. President, that’s one of Iran’s holiest sites. It was built in the 16th century and is where the Khans lived. The Shah of Iran was coronated there.

Trump: Kind of like the Trump Tower of Tehran, eh? Well, let’s keep it on the list. Boom! Gone! I have a big military, don’t I, Milt?

Mulvaney: Mick, sir. Yes, you have the world’s biggest military, Mr. President.

Trump: So what else is on Kellyanne’s list?

Mulvaney: Well, she also has Pasargadae. That’s a U.N. World Heritage Site, sir.

Trump: What is it, some kind of theme park like Disney World?

Mulvaney: No, sir, it’s actually an archeological site where Cyrus the great built his capital, in the sixth century BCE.

Trump: What’s BCE?

Mulvaney: “Before the common era,” sir. Before Christ.

Trump: Then why don’t they say “before Christ”?

Mulvaney: I don’t know, sir.

Trump: I think my good friend, Franklin Graham, would be offended by that.

Mulvaney: Yes, sir. But you see, sir, you can’t destroy Pasargadae. It would be like the Iranians destroying Washington.

Trump: Let them try, Muff, let them try. Boom! I’ll just drop a couple bunker busters on Khamenei.

Mulvaney: Mick, sir. Thing is, Mr. President, the Convention for the Protection of Cultural Property in the Event of Armed Conflict was signed by most of the world’s nations, including us, in 1954. It specifically says “The High Contracting Parties undertake to ensure the immunity of cultural property under special protection by refraining, from the time of entry in the International Register, from any act of hostility directed against such property and, except for the cases provided for in paragraph 5 of Article 8, from any use of such property or its surroundings for military purposes.”

Trump: Aha! So there’s an exception! What’s that paragraph 5 Article 8?

Mulvaney: It says, “If any cultural property mentioned in paragraph 1 of the present Article is situated near an important military objective as defined in the said paragraph, it may nevertheless be placed under special protection if the High Contracting Party asking for that protection undertakes, in the event of armed conflict, to make no use of the objective and particularly, in the case of a port, railway station or aerodrome, to divert all traffic there from. In that event, such diversion shall be prepared in time of peace.”

Trump: So if a cultural site is near, say, a nuclear enrichment plant, I can still bomb it?

Mulvaney: No, sir, just the opposite. If Iran says it’s protected, then you have to respect that.

Trump: Look, Mitt, I need another opinion. Kellyanne!

[Enter Kellyanne Conway]

Kellyanne: Yes, Mr. President?

Trump: Mitt here says I can’t bomb anything in Iran because everything is a cultural site.

Mulvaney: It’s Mick, sir, not Mitt.

Kellyanne: That’s fake news, sir. Iran has no cultural sites.

Mulvaney: That’s not true, Kellyanne! Who told you that?

Kellyanne: Vice President Pence. He said Iran is a fake country.

Mulvaney: Mr. President, you’re getting bad advice! Iran is a real country! They’re in the United Nations!

Trump: Pence!

[Enter Mike Pence]

Trump: Dick, let’s pray.

Pence: Mike, sir. All right, let’s get down on our knees. [Everyone kneels] ‘Almighty God, please bless your Instrument, Donald Trump, the President of the United States, whom you sent to the American people to cut taxes on billionaires and persecute queers.’

Kellyanne: Amen!

Trump: [rises, dusts off pants]: Okay, Pence, now what’s this I hear about Iran being a fake country?

Pence: It’s true, sir. Ask Franklin Graham.

Trump: [to Kellyanne]: Get Franklin on my phone.

[Kellyanne makes a phone call. Hands the phone to Trump]

Trump: Franklin? Is that you? I’m putting you on speaker phone.

Franklin Graham: Yes sir, Mr. President, it’s me.

Trump: Where are you? I hear a woman’s voice—are you with a woman?

Franklin Graham: No, Mr. President, I’m just alone here in my chapel, praying.

Trump: Look, Pence tells me you told him Iran is a fake country. Is that true?

Franklin Graham: Well, it depends how to define “country,” Mr. President. For example, take The Grand Duchy of Fenwick.

Trump: What’s that?

Franklin Graham: It was a country that declared war on the U.S. but it wasn’t a real country, it was a fake country in the movie, The Mouse That Roared.

Trump: How could a fake country declare war on a real country?

Franklin Graham: Exactly, sir. My whole point.

Trump: All right, Melvin, I’m ordering you to bomb all the fake cultural sites in that fake country, Iran.

Mulvaney: Mick, sir. I’ll give the order to Esper.

Trump: Who’s that?

Mulvaney: Mark Esper, your Secretary of Defense.

Trump: Right, right…okay, everybody, get out. And send in the chief of my Secret Service detail.

[Everybody exits the Oval Office. A big, burly man enters.]

Trump: Ralphie, get me a porn star. I don’t care which one. In fact, make it two.

Secret Service agent: It’s Roger, sir. At once, sir. The usual place—the Lincoln Bedroom?

Trump: Yes. And order up a couple buckets of KFC and some Nachos.

Sercret Service agent: Yes, Mr. President!


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