Jesus Christ rakes Trump in address to Congress; Trump tweets he’s “Fake” and a “Scumbag”
Feb. 6, 2020
President Donald J. Trump’s annual State of the Union address was supposed to have been delivered before a joint session of the U.S. Congress on Tuesday night. But instead of hearing from the President, the assembled Senators and Representatives heard instead a surprise speech by an unexpected guest: Jesus Christ.
It was shortly before the expected 8 p.m. opening remarks by the President that Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi gaveled the session to order and made her startling announcement.
“Ladies and gentlemen, I have been asked to inform you that the President will not deliver his remarks in person. Instead, they will be electronically transmitted by email.” There were gasps of astonishment from among the 535 elected officials. Then, after a short pause, Pelosi resumed.
“However, in place of the President, we do have a distinguished guest. Ladies and gentlemen of the Congress, I have the high and distinct honor and privilege of presenting to you the Savior of the World, Jesus Christ.”
For a brief moment the Congress was stunned into silence. Then, as a burst of radiant light appeared over the Speaker’s rostrum, a quiet, silent figure, garbed in a simple white robe, materialized. When the assembled Congress realized that this was indeed Jesus Christ, it erupted in cheers and, in quite a few cases, tears.
Mr. Christ’s remarks were brief, but powerful. He said he had come to denounce the President of the United States, Donald J. Trump, in the strongest terms. “This man has dishonored My Father’s legacy,” he said, referring to God. “He has trampled on the spiritual values I preached during My earthly lifetime. This Philistine has locked children up in cages, and insulted the least among us: the poor, immigrants, the disabled, even our honorable war-wounded. He has repeatedly lied. He has declared war on science: my Father instilled in every person, Reason and Common Sense, but this evil President has instead appealed to people’s anger and resentment.
“There is no place in My Father’s House for this man. He is unfit to hold the office he currently occupies. Although I generally preach Love and Forgiveness, I cannot forgive him his sins. He has destroyed the fabric of America, a land I love, the light of the world. He is tearing the world apart, which My Father created in hope and optimism. I support the efforts of this great body, the U.S. Congress, to impeach Donald J. Trump, to remove him from office, and then to lock him up!”
And with that, in a puff of light, Jesus Christ disappeared from the rostrum.
Within ten minutes, Trump replied to Mr. Christ’s remarks. In a series of tweets unusually vengeful even for him, Trump denounced Mr. Christ in the most savage terms.
“Who was that pathetic loser?” he began. “That was not the Jesus Christ I knew and grew up with in my New Testament. That was a Fake liberal. Where has he been for the last 2,000 years—hanging out with terrorists and Hitler?
“Nobody should listen to that imposter! He is corrupt and evil. I have instructed my Department of Homeland Security to find out who this criminal is and arrest him! How did he get into the Capital [sic] Building? Who let him in? Was Phony Nancy Pelosi involved in this conspiracy? Did Liddle Adam “Shifty” Schiff order Capital [sic] Security to let this possible assassin in? We have to get to the bottom of this!!
“Those Demon-crats caused this crime. They are atheists! They don’t even believe in Jesus Christ. I am hereby outlawing the Demon-crat Party and ordering the immediate detention of every Demon-crat Senator and Representative. They will be imprisoned and charged with Treason!!! Nobody can say such Horrible things about me—the Greatest President in the History of the World!!! I am a Genius! That Fake Loser who said he was ‘Jesus Christ’ was probably a gay transvestite Muslim terrorist! He didn’t look like a Real Man to me.
“I urge my fellow Republican Americans to go to your churches NOW and demand your preachers and ministers denounce what happened tonight in the U.S. Capital
Building. To my admirers in the National Rifle Association and among the nation’s police forces, I say, Grab your guns and go out into the streets and Hunt Down that Fake Loser who said he was Jesus Christ!! He’s hiding someplace, probably in Washington. Go into people’s houses, search them and if necessary rough them up until they turn that Scumbag over to my Security Forces.
“If the REAL Jesus ever comes back he will CELIBRATE [sic] Me because He SENT ME TO THE WORLD! You know that. Listen, Americans, don’t believe ANYTHING or ANYONE except me! That was NOT the real Jesus. That was FAKE! Who knows, it might have been a 400-pound libtard in his mother’s dirty bedsheets.
“We will get to the bottom of this, I can tell you that! Thank you my fellow Amercans
[sic]
. Our country is safe and secure tonight, thanks to Me! Trust in Me, my friends, and in no one else!”
Meanwhile, Vice President Mike Pence, appearing on “Fox & Friends,” assured Americans not to worry. “I know Jesus Christ—the real Jesus. He lives in my heart. That loser in the Congress was not the real Jesus. Fake news! Don’t believe your eyes—believe your trust in President Trump. God bless our Christian nation! Amen.”
