Devin Nunes, Fluffer-in-Chief

In his lawsuit against Twitter, Devin Nunes accuses the social media platform of disparaging him by calling him “a presidential fluffer,” among other things.

Well, I know what a fluffer is, but some of you may not, so here’s the official definition: A fluffer is “a person employed on a pornographic film set to ensure that male actors are kept aroused.” There are many different forms of arousal, of course; in this case, it doesn’t mean intellectually aroused, it means genitally aroused. The “fluffer” is the handyman who helps the male porn stars get the hard-ons they need to perform.

I happen to know a few guys who dabble in porn, so I reached out to them for more information. Two of them have first-hand knowledge of Nunes. One, Mr. X, who’s from L.A., told me that when Nunes was first hired to fluff for Trump, he [Nunes] knew very little about the art of fluffing, so he went to Mr. X for lessons. “He picked up on it pretty fast,” Mr. X. said. “I was surprised at how much he liked it. He thought it would be much harder.” Another friend—Mr. Y, a young model—told me that Nunes hired him to practice on. “We’d meet at the Motel 6 in D.C. every other day or so. He’d rent a room by the hour. He was very gentle, very tender. Nice hands. He told me he had a Very Important Client and he wanted to be the best fluffer in town. He never told me who his Big Client was, so when I found out it was Trump, I was like, Wow! The same hands that fluffed the President fluffed me!”

I have since learned, through sources I cannot reveal, that Nunes visited the White House at least three times a week, usually at night, between June 2017 and March 2019, to fluff the president. Whenever he did, he would go in through the back door, where the media couldn’t see him, and sign in with the pseudonym “Dr. Fingers.” One Secret Service guard told me, “Everybody knew it was Rep. Nunes. We just figured he was there for politically sensitive reasons and needed to be anonymous. Who knew that he was actually fluffing the president?”

Rooters, the European news agency, reported that on various occasions Trump and Nunes were not alone during the fluffing sessions. Although Rooters did not name any names, they implied that people of both genders attended, and that most of them were “intimately associated with Mr. Trump.” A few names suggested themselves to me: Ivanka Trump, for one. It would be natural for her to be at her father’s fluffing sessions, given their close relationship. I reached out to Ivanka’s press secretary, but she did not return my calls.

Another name that suggested itself was Mike Pompeo. The Secretary of State has long been rumored to be a “lady’s man.” Perhaps, I thought, he went to the fluffing sessions. I emailed his office and was told that “the Secretary does not share his private moments with the President.” Fair enough, but since both the Secretary of State and the President of the United States are paid by the U.S. taxpayers, don’t we have a right to know what they’re up to?

So I filed a Freedom of Information request, and after several weeks, I was sent some redacted pages from Pompeo’s Daily Schedule. There were at least 50 top-secret meetings between Pompeo and Trump during the fluffing period. Here are two typical examples:

Jan. 14, 2018: SOSP [Secretary of State Pompeo] at White House for private briefing with POTUS and one other advisor, Dr. Fingers. SOSP engaged in [deleted].”

Feb. 4, 2019: SOSP at White House for meeting with POTUS, Dr. Fingers and [deleted]. SOSP was advised to bring rubber surgical gloves and a tube of Vaseline.

After getting these documents, I asked Pompeo’s press secretary why he would need rubber gloves and lubricant for a White House meeting with the president. She replied, “The rubber gloves are to protect the president from germs. He’s very germaphobic. The Vaseline is because many of the foreign policy issues Secretary Pompeo deals with are hard and rough, and he needs all the help he can get to wrap his hands around them.”

So, lots of circumstantial evidence that Pompeo is part of Trump’s fluffing sessions with Dr. Fingers AKA Devin Nunes. At any rate, I’m told that the fluffing sessions, or at least Nunes’ part in them, have recently been terminated. Apparently, Melania found out, and hit the roof. “She’s been able to deal with the porn stars and pussy-groping,” my White House source told me, “but the thought of her husband getting fluffed by two men was intolerable. Melania thinks it sounds gay.” There have been insider reports that Trump is considering hiring either Betsy DeVos or Sarah Huckabee Sanders to replace Nunes as Fluffer-in-Chief, but I have not been able to confirm those rumors. Stay tuned!