Behind the scenes in the Trump bureaucracy
U.S. DEPARTMENT OF THE TREASURY
Internal Memorandum
From: Deputy Secretary of the Treasury [DepSecTrea]
To: Director, Secret Service Division [DSSD]
From now on, Secret Service Division (SSD) personnel are prohibited from smuggling women into wherever POTUS is inhabiting. This includes porn stars, ho’s and strippers.
From: DSSD
To: DepSecTrea
POTUS will be very unhappy. SSD has smuggled women into him for two years and he expects process to continue.
From: DepSecTrea
To: DSSD
Too risky. Journalists are suspicious, snooping around. Cannot damage reputation SSD/DOT to satisfy sexual lusts of POTUS.
From: DSSD
To: DepSecTrea
If you supply us with names of suspicious journalists, we can take care of them.
From: DepSecTrea
To: DSSD
Details.
From: DSSD
To: DepSecTrea
Accidents happen.
From: DepSecTrea
To: DSSD
On advice of DOT General Counsel, cannot comply.
From: DSSD
To: DepSecTrea
Accidents happen to General Counsels too.
From: DepSecTrea
To: DSSD
You miss the point. It is wrong to assist POTUS in his adultery.
From: DSSD
To: DepSecTrea
So what do I tell POTUS?
From: DepSecTrea
To: DSSD
Nothing. Just stop doing it. He may not notice.
From: DSSD
To: DepSecTrea
Not likely. He had us smuggle in 9 women in last 2 weeks.
From: DepSecTrea
To: DSSD
Is it possible to bring him SSD women instead of outsiders?
From: DSSD
To: DepSecTrea
Negatory on that. SSD women not his type. He likes tall skanky blondes. SSD women mostly swarthy Lesbians.
From: DepSecTrea
To: DSSD
How about boys?
From: DSSD
To: DepSecTrea
POTUS shows no interest in same sex.
From: DepSecTrea
To: DSSD
DOT General Counsel suggests meet with CIA Director of Camouflage. Skanky blondes can be made to look like Pence.
From: DSSD
To: DepSecTrea
What if skanky blonde Pence and real VPOTUS are in same place same time?
From: DepSecTrea
To: DSSD
Awkward. Might try “separated at birth” scenario.
From: DSSD
To: DepSecTrea
Could work. But POTUS might not like having sex with Pence lookalike.
From: DepSecTrea
To: DSSD
No, you idiot, camouflage would be removed once skank is with POTUS.
From: DSSD
To: DepSecTrea
Apologies.
From: DepSecTrea
To: DSSD
No problem.
From: DSSD
To: DepSecTrea
Just got word from POTUS at Mar-a-Lago. He wants a skank tonight.
From: DepSecTrea
To: DSSD
How do you usually find them?
From: DSSD
To: DepSecTrea
We have Directory. The boys call it the Skanklopedia. Five hundred blonde skanks in all 50 States, plus three dozen foreign countries.
From: DepSecTrea
To: DSSD
Problem! CIA Director of Camouflage on vacation this week.
From: DSSD
To: DepSecTrea
I explained to POTUS Secret Service unable to help him this week. Very angry! Insists Service is sabotaging him. Threatens budget. Says Service “enemy of the people.”
From: DepSecTrea
To: DSSD
Not good! Bringing in WH Chief of Staff Mulvaney.
INTERNAL MEMORANDUM
Office of the Deputy Secretary, U.S. Department of the Treasury
From: DepSecTrea
To: WHCOS Mulvaney
Dear Mick, we have a little problem over here with the Secret Service. POTUS as you know expects Service to smuggle women into him. But for variety of reasons Service no longer able to perform that service. POTUS angry, threatening. Intervention?
From: WHCOS Mulvaney
To: DepSecTrea
Not possible. POTUS not in mood to compromise. Afraid Service on own. Destroy this communication.
From: DepSecTrea
To: DSSD
Back to Square One. Idea: How about Ann Coulter? She’s tall skanky blonde, right? Press would not be suspicious if she met with him.
From: DSSD
To: DepSecTrea
Not sure POTUS sexually attracted Coulter. Once heard him call her “ugly donkey.”
From: DepSecTrea
To: DSSD
Makeup? Victoria’s Secret underwear? You know, sex her up. My wife can help.
From: DSSD
To: DepSecTrea
With all due respect your wife, not sure anything can make Coulter sexy. But we can try.
[24 hours later]
From: DepSecTrea
To: DSSD
How did it go?
From: DSSD
To: DepSecTrea
Not good. POTUS furious. Says she wouldn’t pee. Says he’s hornier than ever and might start foreign war.
From: DepSecTrea
To: DSSD
Uh oh. Maybe bring in Secy of State?
INTERNAL MEMORANDUM
Office of the Deputy Secretary, U.S. Department of the Treasury
From: DepSecTrea
To: Deputy Secretary of State [DepSoS]
Milt, POTUS is threatening to start war unless Secret Service provides him with ho’s, which we at DOT are reluctant to do.
From: DepSoS
To: DepSecTrea
Did he say which country he wants to start a war with?
From: DepSecTrea
To: DepSoS
He did not.
From: DepSoS
To: DepSecTrea
Well, it would be a helluva lot easier if you just complied with his wishes. Last thing we need now is another war.
From: DepSecTrea
To: Secretary, Department of the Treasury
Sir: I respectfully resign from the office of Deputy Secretary for the U.S. Department of the Treasury. It has been a pleasure to serve you and our great President Trump.
NEW YORK TIMES
Front page, the next day
U.S. Deputy Secretary of State Commits Suicide
Wife says he was “increasingly distraught” by demands of job
