Guess who the new Chief of Staff might be!
It is with great pleasure that I can inform you my dog, Gus, is on the short list to Chief of Staff to President Donald J, Trump.
“This is a singular honor,”Gus told me, when I told him I’d read about it at @realDonaldTrump. He added, “I’m looking forward to serving the president, and to finding all kinds of new places to go pee pee and poo poo in the Rose Garden.”
Trumpsaid in his tweet that he had to choose among “many verry fine cannadates. The choise is hard. It’s all down to 1 persson and 1 dog.”
Trump is not known to be a “dog person,” but a source close to the Oval Office, who did not wish to be identified because he was not authorized to speak with the media, said Trump gets along fine with his daughter, Ivanka’s, poodle, Stormy, and would be fine with Gus. “I don’t foresee any problems, unless Gus poops on the White House floor.”
When this remark was pointed out to him, Gus grew indignant. “I’m a very well-trained dog. My Daddy taught me manners, unlike some humans I could name. Besides, if I poop on the floor, it’s because I’m sick! And you can’t blame a dog for being sick.”
The other candidate said to be under consideration for the Chief of Staff job, Republican Rep. Mark Meadows, came under criticism last night when his ties to the Ku Klux Klan were revealed. In 1994, Meadows, then an altar boy, attended a KKK rally led by the group’s then Imperial Wizard, David Duke, and he took an oath to “make America white, straight and Christian again.” Although Meadows has since called statement “ill-chosen…if I offended anyone, I’m sorry,” he has never formally repudiated the KKK. Trump is said to be “concerned” that hiring Meadows would be bad optics for a Republican Party already widely perceived as racist.
Meadows also has struggled with reports that he leads a secret life as a homosexual. Although he and his wife, Debbie, have two children, Blake and Haley, Capitol Hill insiders insist he’s frequently spotted in gay bars, cross-dressing as a curvaceous blonde with a certain similarity to Kellyanne Conway or Ann Coulter.Said one LGBTQ leader in the Washington, D.C. area, “Some of us think Mark AKA Marsha looks more like Kellyanne than Mistress Ann. But I, myself, think he looks more like Mistress Ann. Don’t you? Ultimately, it doesn’t really matter, though, does it?”
Meadows is said to be the choice of Ivanka Trump and her husband, Jared Kushner. Kushner’s religion, Orthodox Jewish, is strongly anti-gay, and he himself has professed a “distaste” for homosexuals. When he spoke at a graduation ceremony at Liberty University last year, Kushner said, “I’m not in favor of punishing homos at this time. We’ll wait until Moshiach returns, and then we’ll deal with them.” But Ivanka, who had many gay friends before her father became president, is said to be something of a “fag hag.” One source close to the First Family says Ivanka and Mark AKA Marsha “frequently have intimate luncheons at which they discuss fashion, celebrities and musicals.” More recently, Meadows was implicated in the infamous “pool boy” scandal involving Jerry Falwell, Jr.
As Gus’s father and Guardian, I realize that my life will be changed when and if he accepts the new job. I spent a lot of time in the White House during the Clinton administration, and also visited from time to time when Barack Obama was president, so I’m somewhat familiar with the routine. It can be grueling. Your life is turned upside down; the demands are such that you can be summoned to a meeting 24-7. And, of course, with the likelihood that whoever Trump’s new Chief of Staff is, he or she will have to hire lawyers as Trump’s legal problems drag in the entire West Wing staff, it’s of some concern to me (if not to Gus, who’s pretty ignorant about finances) that my meager savings might be depleted if Gus gets indicted.
Still, it’s an honor for my dog to even be considered for so important a job! By the way, requests are already coming in from the media concerning Gus’s positions on various topics. In general, he’s not very interested in politics, but he does have some views. I’m glad to share them with you.
Border Security and“The Wall.”Gus, who is half chihuahua, has very strong opinions on our Mexican neighbors. “I love Mexico, and I love carne asada.” (As Gus’s Daddy, I can confirm that Gus does indeed love beef, but I don’t give him very much, as I don’t eat meat myself.) Gus also likes walls. “People don’t stop to think about it very much,” he avers, “but walls are very nice places to stop and sniff and maybe go pee pee.”
RussiaGate. Gus doesn’t watch the news at all. To him, it’s just noise coming from a box; he sleeps right through it. But I’m sure that, if Gus were to take a position on the Trump-Russian collusion scandal, he’d be against it.
Social Media. Gus doesn’t have atwitter account, or a Facebook one, or Instagram, or any other social media. Ashe puts it, “Dogs can’t really perceive images on computer screens, so don’t show me a picture of beef, give me real beef!”
Extra-Marital Sex. Full disclosure: Gus was “cut’ when he was a puppy, so he doesn’t have a sex drive. And, as a libertarian dog, he doesn’t really care if Trump smuggles porn stars into the White House for his sexual relief. “As long as they’re nice to me and give me doggie treats, who am I to judge?”
We’re on pins and needles here in the Heimoff household waiting for the final word on whether Gus gets the job. We’re told that the president himself will phone us if the answer is Yes. So exciting! I’d love to meet him, and Ivanka, and Donald Jr. (my favorite Trump, after the president himself), and, of course, Melania and Barron. We’ll keep you posted; I know you’re as anxious as we are to find out what happens!
