The Trump Family Goes to the Mattresses

Scene: The White House living quarters

Present: Donald Trump, Melania, Don Jr., Eric, Ivanka, Jared

DT: Okay, everybody, we’re at war. Ivanka, what’s your plan?

Ivanka: Daddy, me and Jared are moving to the Saudi Embassy. I packed all my Stella McCartney ath-leisurewear and 40 pairs of shoes!

Jared: That’s right, Sir. And I moved $40 million in cash to our account in the Caymans.

DT: Forty million? Is that enough?

Jared: Well, for a few weeks.

Ivanka: Jared, did you remember to stock up on Beluga?

Jared: Sweetheart, I’m sure the Saudis have plenty of caviar.

Eric: Dad, do you want to hear my plan?

DT: No. Don Jr., what’s your plan?

Don Jr.: Well, Pops, Kimberley and myself will stay at our cottage in Mustique until this blows over.

DT: How’s Kimberley doing?

Don Jr.: She’s pissed that Gavin’s gonna be Governor.

DT: He’s a clown. I think he’s gay.

Ivanka: I do too, Daddy. I met him once. I thought his wrist was a little limp. But he’s pretty!

Melania: In old country we know what to do with these Queers. We shoot them, then dump body in Danube.

Jared: That seems a little harsh, Mom.

DT: Hard times call for harsh measures, Jar.

Eric: Dad, I wrote that saying down. It can go in my book, The Wit and Wisdom—

DT: Melania, are you packed? We may have to leave quickly.

Melania: I am way ahead of you Donald, there. I send three trunk of gowns to chateau in Nice.

DT: Nice? Isn’t that in France?

Melania: I thought it was in Europe?

Jared: Mom, Nice is in the south of France.

DT: I don’t want to go to France. That idiot Macron lives there. I hate him. Hate him! We might not be safe in France.

Eric: I don’t think—

Jared: I agree with Dad. Macron is a Schumer Democrat. He could have Dad arrested and extradite him.

Melania: I had Amazon package expedite. So quick and easy, especially if you’re Prime member.

Jared: Extradite, Mom, not expedite.

Melania: What’s difference?

DT: Mel, pack plenty of chocolate cake. If I’m going into exile, at least I’ll eat well!

Melania: Oh, darling, you’re getting so, how you say, fat? Why not try Wheat Thins?

DT: And wherever we go, make sure it’s near a KFC.

Eric: I had a bucket of KFC yesterday.

Don Jr.: Dad, are you going to give the word to your foot soldiers?

Ivanka: I was wondering the same thing.

Jared: All it would take, Sir, is for you to tell them to mobilize. We could take over the country in a few hours.

DT: I’m considering it. Bannon tells me they’ve been getting ready for more than a year. He figures they can have 100,000 armed guerillas take over local governments and media centers.

Ivanka: Good! They should take over CNN and arrest Wolf Blitzer.

Melania: He’s a homo.

Don Jr.: That Chris Matthews is even worse. They should arrest all of them.

Jared: And they should shut down the failing New York Times.

Melania: I think there is fried chicken in Nice.

DT: We’ll shut them all down. Every one of the snowflakes. They’ll be sorry.

[Jared’s cell phone rings]

Jared: Dad? It’s Netanyahu. [Trump takes the phone]

DT: Bibi? That you? I’ll put you on speakerphone.

Netanyahu: Donald! Oy gevalt, what’s this I hear?

DT: It’s true, we’re going to the mattresses. We’re at war with the liberals and the fake news media.

Netanyahu: Can I help, Donald? You want to borrow my Mossad?

DT: Can they take Mueller out and make it look like Hillary did it?

Netanyahu: They can do anything, Donald.

Melania: Donald, dear, is that Bibi? Tell him tell Sara stay strong! She’s so misunderstood. So what if she kick servants around? That is what servants for.

Ivanka: I’m very nice to our servants. Isn’t that right, Jared?

Jared: Yes, dear.

DT: You have to let them know who’s boss. You have to be tough, like the way I kick Lindsay around!

Eric: Dad, you’re the toughest—

Melania: Speaking of servants, Donald, did you get rid of that awful Ricardel person?

DT: Yes, my pet. She no longer works in the White House.

Melania: I want her in jail.

Ivanka: Mom, what did she do, anyway?

Melania: She pushy bitch.

Eric: Pushy.

Don Jr.: Dad, do you want her in jail? I can pass the word to Whitaker.

DT: I’ll tell you who I want in jail: Pocahontas.

Ivanka: I know, Daddy! And she’s so dumpy. Women are just jealous of me because I’m a size 2.

Melania: I’m size 2, sweetie.

[all silent]

Eric: I have a plan—

[Trump’s phone rings]

DT: Hello? Vladimir! Nice to hear from you. What’s up? Yes, I’m still your little poodly-woodly, Vlad. Yes, your good little lap dog, slurp slurp. What? The pee-pee tape? You’re not going to release it, are you? Good, Vlad, good. Say, by the way, you didn’t do a very good job in our Congressional election. What’s up with that? Oh, you’ll do better in 2020? Well, that’s good. Yes, Vlad, yes, I’ll continue to undermine NATO, if it’s so important to you. Okay, well, you have a nice day too. Bye!

Eric: How is Uncle Vlad doing, Dad?

DT: Jared, can’t you get the Jews to vote Republican? I thought you were tight with them.

Jared: Just Chabad, Dad. You know, the crazies.

DT: What’s wrong with the rest of them?

Jared: They’re all snowflakes. Twinkies. Homos.

Don Jr.: I knew a Jew once. He was a homo.

Melania: Back in home country, we not like Jews. Old timers know what to do with them. [she draws a hand across her throat]

DT: Yeah, well, first we have to win this war and then we can deal with our enemies.

Eric: We have lots of enemies, don’t we, Pops?

[Trump looks at Eric, ignores him]

DT: Say, I’m getting hungry. Mel, call the Secret Service and tell them I want a Big Mac. No, make that four Big Macs, with fries and a chocolate shake. Two chocolate shakes. While I’m waiting, I’ll be tweeting about cereal.

[This is Steve] Have a great weekend! Stay strong and Resist!