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A strategy meeting in the Oval Office




Donald J. Trump (DJT)

Donald Trump Jr. (DTJr)

Ivanka Trump (IT)

Kellyanne Conway (KC)

Sarah Huckabee Sanders (SHS)

Melania Trump (MT)

KC: Mr. President, we can use this Kavanaugh crisis to rile up our base.

DJT: Sounds good. But how do we do it?

SHS: We organize pro-Kavanaugh rallies across the country.

KC: He asked me, Sarah, not you.

SHS: He asked a generalized question of the group, Kellyanne.

KC: Whatever, bitch.

IT: I still have 10,000 pairs of Ivanka-brand shoes sitting in a Chinese warehouse.

DTJr: Did you pay for them?

DJT: China? Did someone say China? I hate them.

IT: They sent me an invoice for $15 million but I don’t see why I should pay for something I’d never wear.

DJT: See? The Chinese are ripping us off every chance they get.

DTJr: But they have good food. General Tso’s chicken…

KC: Have you eaten at that new place in Lafayette Square?

SHS: People, we’re here to talk about strategy, not Chinese food!

DJT: I’d rather have a Big Mac or the Colonel’s chicken nuggets. Mmm.

IT: Maybe I’ll open a chain of restaurants. Ivanka-burgers, that sort of thing. I’m an entrepreneur.

DTJr: [checking his iPhone] Hey, I got a text from Mueller’s office. They want me to meet with them.

DJT: I didn’t hear that. [puts fingers in ears] La la la la la la la.

KC: I was there once. Such a dreary office! Those drapes…

IT: I know what you mean, Kellyanne. Drapes are everything!

SHS: On the Kavanaugh thing, I—

DJT: Kavanaugh! Kavanaugh! I’m sick of that guy. He’s more famous than me!

KC: That’s not good.

DJT: Fuck him. He’s got bad skin, too. Kellyanne, who else we got on the short list?

KC: Well, there’s Paul Ryan. The Court could use another Catholic.

SHS: People, people! We’re going to ram Kavanaugh through! Let’s not have any talk of someone else.

IT: It’s just chit-chat, Sarah. You don’t have to be so defensive.

SHS: I’m not defensive, Ivanka, I’m just trying to get him on the Court so he can ban abortion.

DTJr: I had a girlfriend once who had an abortion.

DJT: Which one? That skanky Westchester Jew you were dating?

IT: I, personally, love children, as long as they have nannies.

KC: I was molested once.

DTJr: Kimberley wants to go to Maui for Christmas but I told her it wouldn’t look good.

DJT: Where’s Mowee?

IT: Hawaii, Dad.

DJT: America owns that, don’t we? [all silent]

SHS: Anyway, there’s burgeoning pro-Kavanaugh sentiment in red districts. We can—

DJT: What if we use the new Presidential Alert to tell everyone to support Kavanaugh?

KC: We promised we wouldn’t use it for political purposes, Mr. President.

DJT: That wouldn’t be political, it would be [thinks] a public service announcement. [all silent]

IT: Could we use it to sell my Ivanka shoes? Like, 50% off if you call in the next 30 minutes?

KC: Do you have anything in a 5-1/2, Ivanka? Dressy-professional?

SHS: I was talking to Mrs. Kavanaugh and she said Brett’s been drinking more than usual from the stress.

DJT: I never had a drink in my life. A little coke, sure, but I stayed off the booze!

IT: Was that back in your Studio 54 days, Dad?

DJT: You know who was hot? Bianca Jagger. I tried to fuck her once.

SHS: Mr. President, please watch your language. Remember, we’re Christians.

DJT: But she passed out from Champagne, coke and Quaaludes. What was I supposed to do, perform a Kavanaugh? [all silent]

DTJr: Those must have been swell times, Dad.

DJT: You could do anything and get away with it. Not like today, with the failing New York Times.

SHS: People, we have a Supreme Court nomination to get through! Can we please stop talking about irrelevant things?

IT: Dad, could you help me get a million pounds of ground beef? I mean, like, tell your Farming Department to do it?

KC: America doesn’t have a Farming Department, Ivanka. Meat would be under the Justice Department.

SHS: No it wouldn’t, Kellyanne, it would be under the Agricultural Department.

KC: Justice.

SHS: Agricultural.

DTJr: Ladies, please!

IT: Whatever. But Dad, can you do it?

DJT: I’m President. I can do anything.

DTJr. Sis, why does it have to be hamburgers? Can’t you do something healthy?

IT: OMG Don Junior, you and your health obsession!

DTJr. Well, I have to watch my cholesterol.

KC: My husband does, too. You should see him trimming the fat off his steak. I tell him, “George, you—”

DJT: I can probably get you couple boxcars of chickens, sweetie. I’m tight with the Perdues.

KC: What would I do with boxcars of chickens?

IT: He’s talking to me, Kellyanne.

KC: Oh.

SHS: People, we have one day—one day!—to get Kavanaugh through. If we don’t, there’s likely to be more women.

DJT: I love women. Nobody loves women more than me.

IT: That’s my Dad!

DTJr. He’s my Dad too, Ivanka.

IT: Obviously. You have his receding chin.

DJT: I’m America’s Dad!

KC: So was Bill Cosby.

DJT: With all this talk about food, I’m getting hungry. Kellyanne, have the Secret Service get me four buckets of nuggets.

[suddenly, a knock on the door]

DJT: Come in.

[Enter Melania]

MT: Did I hear something about nuggets?


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