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A Conference Call Between Four World Leaders



(This call was recorded immediately following this weekend’s G7 Summit Meeting in Quebec. The participants were Angela Merkel, Theresa May, Justin Trudeau and Emmanuel Macron.)

Angela: Hello? Hello? Anybody else here?

Justin: Bienvenue, Angela. It’s me, Justin. How was your flight?

Angela: As well as could be expected, given what happened.

Theresa: Hi all, it’s me, Theresa.

Justin and Angela: Hello Theresa!

Theresa: Are we all here?

Justin: I think we’re waiting on Emmanuel.

Angela: Did you send him the Go To Meeting code?

Justin: I think my deputy did.

Emmanuel: Bon Jour friends and fellow Western leaders! It’s me, Emmanuel.

Justin: Good. We can get started. But first, I have to vent.

Angela: I think I know where this is going.

Theresa: Me too.

Justin: He is such an asshole! I mean, the most ignorant, stupid pig I’ve ever met. What the hell has happened to America?

Angela: He’s a moron, that’s for sure.

Emmanuel: I keep hoping he’ll change, but the nicer I am to him, the ruder he is to me.

Theresa: To everyone! It speaks very poorly of his upbringing.

Angela: I understand his father was in the Ku Klux Klan.

Justin: It doesn’t surprise me.

Angela: I miss Obama.

Emmanuel: I didn’t know him.

Theresa: Neither did I.

Angela: Such a gentleman. Great style, taste and integrity. A man of intelligence and peace.

Justin: Unlike the present occupant of the Oval Office!

Theresa: The question is, what are we going to do about him? I mean, he is President of the United States. We can’t just walk away from him.

Angela: We can stop taking his phone calls.

Justin: He calls you?

Angela: Uh, not actually.

Emmanuel: Me neither.

Theresa: He called me once, to ask what he should wear when he met the Queen.

Angela: That never happened, did it?

Theresa: No. The Queen wouldn’t hear of it. “Dreadful man,” she told me. “Beastly.”

Justin: He’s insane. He said Canada burned down the White House in 1812.

Emmanuel: A complete idiot.

Angela: Justin, I’ve never seen a leader treat another leader as poorly as he treated you. Even Hitler was gracious with Petain.

Justin: I felt degraded.

Theresa: Poor boy. Have a drink and relax. Trump is just a pest. He’ll be dead while you’re still a star.

Justin: My wife said I should consider breaking diplomatic relations with the U.S.

Emmanuel: That’s funny! There are quite a number of people here that feel the same way.

Theresa: I hadn’t thought about it, but everyone over here loathes him. I mean, everybody! Liberals, conservatives, labor, even the neo-nazis, who think he’s giving them a bad name.

Angela: Do you actually think we could do it? I mean, break relations?

Justin: We could hold a joint news conference and announce it. Maybe get some other leaders.

Angela: Like who?

Justin: Peña Nieto would do it.

Emmanuel: And all those African countries he called “shitholes.”

Theresa: And Australia! Turnbull still hasn’t gotten over being insulted by him in public.

Angela: Theresa, how about the rest of the Commonwealth?

Theresa: I think South Africa and New Zealand would. I don’t know about India.

Emmanuel: What about China?

[all] Hmmm….

Theresa: I don’t know. Xi is an enigma.

Angela: He asked me if Trump was insane.

Justin: Really?

Angela: He said that in China, a regional leader as corrupt as Trump would be purged and probably executed. And his family would be locked up.

Emmanuel: Wow.

Justin: So, back to breaking off relations with America. Emmanuel, are you in?

Emmanuel: Oui, monsieur.

Justin: Angela? Theresa?

Angela: Germany is in.

Theresa: Great Britain is in.

Justin: Fabulous! Now, where shall we have our press conference?

Emmanuel: I have an idea! It’s kind of funny, actually. Why don’t we rent Mar-A-Lago and have it there?

Theresa: Love it! We’ll provide the beer.

Emmanuel: We’ll bring the wine.

Angela: We’ll bring the weiner schnitzel.

Justin: And we’ll bring the weed!

[All laugh. The joint press conference is scheduled for June 21. Watch this space for details!]

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