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A Conference Call Between Four World Leaders

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(This call was recorded immediately following this weekend’s G7 Summit Meeting in Quebec. The participants were Angela Merkel, Theresa May, Justin Trudeau and Emmanuel Macron.)

Angela: Hello? Hello? Anybody else here?

Justin: Bienvenue, Angela. It’s me, Justin. How was your flight?

Angela: As well as could be expected, given what happened.

Theresa: Hi all, it’s me, Theresa.

Justin and Angela: Hello Theresa!

Theresa: Are we all here?

Justin: I think we’re waiting on Emmanuel.

Angela: Did you send him the Go To Meeting code?

Justin: I think my deputy did.

Emmanuel: Bon Jour friends and fellow Western leaders! It’s me, Emmanuel.

Justin: Good. We can get started. But first, I have to vent.

Angela: I think I know where this is going.

Theresa: Me too.

Justin: He is such an asshole! I mean, the most ignorant, stupid pig I’ve ever met. What the hell has happened to America?

Angela: He’s a moron, that’s for sure.

Emmanuel: I keep hoping he’ll change, but the nicer I am to him, the ruder he is to me.

Theresa: To everyone! It speaks very poorly of his upbringing.

Angela: I understand his father was in the Ku Klux Klan.

Justin: It doesn’t surprise me.

Angela: I miss Obama.

Emmanuel: I didn’t know him.

Theresa: Neither did I.

Angela: Such a gentleman. Great style, taste and integrity. A man of intelligence and peace.

Justin: Unlike the present occupant of the Oval Office!

Theresa: The question is, what are we going to do about him? I mean, he is President of the United States. We can’t just walk away from him.

Angela: We can stop taking his phone calls.

Justin: He calls you?

Angela: Uh, not actually.

Emmanuel: Me neither.

Theresa: He called me once, to ask what he should wear when he met the Queen.

Angela: That never happened, did it?

Theresa: No. The Queen wouldn’t hear of it. “Dreadful man,” she told me. “Beastly.”

Justin: He’s insane. He said Canada burned down the White House in 1812.

Emmanuel: A complete idiot.

Angela: Justin, I’ve never seen a leader treat another leader as poorly as he treated you. Even Hitler was gracious with Petain.

Justin: I felt degraded.

Theresa: Poor boy. Have a drink and relax. Trump is just a pest. He’ll be dead while you’re still a star.

Justin: My wife said I should consider breaking diplomatic relations with the U.S.

Emmanuel: That’s funny! There are quite a number of people here that feel the same way.

Theresa: I hadn’t thought about it, but everyone over here loathes him. I mean, everybody! Liberals, conservatives, labor, even the neo-nazis, who think he’s giving them a bad name.

Angela: Do you actually think we could do it? I mean, break relations?

Justin: We could hold a joint news conference and announce it. Maybe get some other leaders.

Angela: Like who?

Justin: Peña Nieto would do it.

Emmanuel: And all those African countries he called “shitholes.”

Theresa: And Australia! Turnbull still hasn’t gotten over being insulted by him in public.

Angela: Theresa, how about the rest of the Commonwealth?

Theresa: I think South Africa and New Zealand would. I don’t know about India.

Emmanuel: What about China?

[all] Hmmm….

Theresa: I don’t know. Xi is an enigma.

Angela: He asked me if Trump was insane.

Justin: Really?

Angela: He said that in China, a regional leader as corrupt as Trump would be purged and probably executed. And his family would be locked up.

Emmanuel: Wow.

Justin: So, back to breaking off relations with America. Emmanuel, are you in?

Emmanuel: Oui, monsieur.

Justin: Angela? Theresa?

Angela: Germany is in.

Theresa: Great Britain is in.

Justin: Fabulous! Now, where shall we have our press conference?

Emmanuel: I have an idea! It’s kind of funny, actually. Why don’t we rent Mar-A-Lago and have it there?

Theresa: Love it! We’ll provide the beer.

Emmanuel: We’ll bring the wine.

Angela: We’ll bring the weiner schnitzel.

Justin: And we’ll bring the weed!

[All laugh. The joint press conference is scheduled for June 21. Watch this space for details!]

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