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From the personal diary of KIM JONG UN: “That idiot, Trump”



Dear Diary: He fell for it! Yes, that idiot, Trump, took the bait, swallowed it—just as I thought–and now I’ve landed him! Embarrassed him personally, made him the laughing stock of the whole world!

My friend,President Xi, called me last night. “President Kim, we had a meeting of the State Council today, and we were all cracking up! How did you do it? That talk about a Nobel is hysterical.”

“Thank you, President Xi. Actually, I did nothing but set the trap. Trump himself stepped into it.”

“Brilliant! His ego is so large that he gave you the perfect opportunity to make him look like a fool. He thinks he’s going to win a Nobel? Hahaha! But what I don’t understand is why he thought you would denuclearize. Doesn’t he read history?”

“Apparently not, President Xi, and neither do the morons he surrounds himself with. That Pompeo is a work of art. What an ass! What we in the Democratic People’s Republic call ‘a mule with the brain of a fart.’ All he wanted was to be photographed smiling and shaking my hand. We were all giggling behind his back and calling him ‘Secretary Mike Pompous.’”

“Haha, President Kim. When I heard Trump talking about winning the Nobel Prize, I almost wet my pants.”

“He wants it so bad. Such a braggart, such low self-esteem. But you know, we couldn’t have done it without President Moon, in South Korea. It was his idea to nominate Trump.”

“Did you have your hand in that, too, President Kim?”

“Kind of, President Xi. We spoke about it over our security hot line and I remember when Moon mentioned it, I thought it was a bad idea, and told him so.”

“What did Moon reply?”

“He corrected me by explaining that, as arrogant and egotistical as Trump is, he would undoubtedly make a big deal about winning a Nobel.”

“But why would Trump think you would give up your nukes? That’s what I don’t get.”

“I can only interpret it as his inability to think clearly, President Xi. That’s the funny thing: I sort of hinted that we would, but I never thought he would go public and say we would. When he did, he stepped in it! But you’ve met him. What do you think of his intellect?”

“Non-existent, President Kim. He is what we Chinese call ‘Dog Breath After Lick Dick.’ Full of shit. I’ve never met a world leader more susceptible to flattery than Trump, or more uninformed. He literally doesn’t know when he’s being outfoxed.”

“It’s hysterical, Mister President, isn’t it, how he thinks he’s smarter than anyone else, when he’s a complete idiot. And so vulgar. When he met my sister, he kissed her cheek—I mean, literally. She told me later he left spit on her face. She was appalled.”

“How the Americans managed to come up with him, I’ll never understand. Especially after Obama. Such an intelligent, dignified man—and now Trump. It must have been the Russians manipulating their election. Putin told me that Trump is the stupidest man he’s ever met.”

“Tell me, President Xi, does President Putin really have something ‘on’ Trump?”

“He wouldn’t tell me, President Kim. But he did say that Trump had done some very dumb things in Moscow that could embarrass him, if they came out.”

“Ah so! Then the urination stories are true!”

“Who knows, President Kim, who knows? But tell me, what did you think of his wife, Melania?”

“A very beautiful woman, President Xi. Charming. But then, she is not American. I had the feeling, though, that she doesn’t particularly like her husband.”

“Yes, President Kim, I had the same feeling. Anyway, Mister President, well played! You have made the President of the United States a laughingstock.”

Anyhow, Dear Diary, toying with Trump has been fun. I may or may not go ahead with the Summit—I haven’t made up my mind. But either way, Trump has learned his lesson: don’t fuck with me. He’s out of his league. It’s a pity that, while the rest of the world knows that, the Americans do not. They have got themselves a leader they deserve!

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