From the Personal Diary of MICHAEL COHEN

Dear Diary,

What the hell do they expect me to do, lay down and let ‘em fuck me over? That’s not how I roll! If the Feds think they’ve won the war, they are wrong! They won a skirmish. Now, I’m gearing up for battle!

Look, so what if I did go to Prague? I never testified under oath that I didn’t. I tweeted it, for chrissake. Everybody lies on Twitter. But even if Mueller can prove I was there, he has no idea what I did. At least, I don’t think he does. Of course, you know, Dear Diary, and I know that I was there as Mister Trump’s bag man, to arrange for the release of the Hillary and DNC emails on Wikileaks, in exchange for Donald dropping the Russian sanctions. And let’s just say some money passed hands. But let Mueller try to prove that! Bwahahaha, he can’t.

As for the Stormy Daniels crap, that’s gonna be a little harder. Fortunately, that damn Judge ruled that I have to see the stuff they seized in the raid, and then the Southern District can negotiate with me about what gets out and what doesn’t. You better believe the notes I made about my conversations with the President, about the $130,000, are something I’m going to protect as much as I can. I mean, if that gets out—well, it wouldn’t be the end, but it would be pretty bad. But I’m confident I’ll win that one.

I gotta hand it to Stormy’s lawyer, Avenatti. He’s a tough bitch. Reminds me of me, in a way. What he doesn’t know is that I am not a loser and neither is President Trump. We will fight, fight, fight until he’s broke and exhausted. Eventually he’ll give up. They always do. Besides, with the President’s poll numbers rising, the public mood is turning. People are starting to realize that Trump is making America great again. They don’t care about an aging porn star who just wants free publicity.

And now, this report about my client, Sean Hannity! Look, anyone who’s caught up in sexual scandal and blackmail, the way poor Sean was, deserves legal protection! Besides, the women in question all initiated the sex, not Sean. They came onto him—he’s a good Catholic and believes in the sanctity of marriage!!! If anything, he’s the victim! They took advantage of his goodness. So what if he paid them a little money to shut the hell up? That’s what money’s for.

Besides, President Trump and Mr. Hannity are very busy men, and these kinds of men need the occasional divertissement in order to amuse themselves and get their minds off business. So what if Donald or Sean Hannity consorts with porn stars and prostitutes? Let he who has not sinned cast the first stone, I always say.

Anyhow, I just saw that clip from Saturday Night Live that had Ben Stiller playing me and De Niro playing Mueller. What a load of horseshit. I can’t say I’ve ever been a Ben Stiller fan—hell, I couldn’t tell you any of his movies. I used to be a big De Niro fan but no more! That loser hasn’t made a good movie since Raging Bull. He’s just a washed up old has been. Typical Hollywood elite libtard snowflake.

So the battle is on! I’ll tell you this, Dear Diary, I will go down for President Trump! No way I’ll roll. Sure, I could guarantee his impeachment and probably even being sent to jail, if I told everything I know. But I won’t! The guy’s been good to me. On the other hand, I don’t want to get ahead of myself. Let me see what the Southern District and Mueller have on me. I mean, I love Trump more than my own father—but, hell, forty years in the pokey? I don’t think so.