From the personal diary of DONALD J. TRUMP

You can’t say Putin isn’t a reasonable man. When I called him on the Hot Line on Sunday night and told him I was going to have to expel some of his diplomats—a lot of them, as it turns out—at first he tried to talk me out of it. But when I explained that I was feeling the heat from Merkel, May and Macron, he heard what I was saying, and agreed to go along.

“I understand your situation, Donald,” he said. “Your State Department is forcing this on you, and you have to do what you have to do. This time, Donald, and this time only, I will let you do something harshly critical of Russia.” Then he added, “But, Donald, don’t forget our deal. I still have the videotape. I still have the documents. It would be tragic if I had to allow them to fall into the wrong hands—say, the failing New York Times. I would not like to have to do that.”

“Thank you, Vladimir, for your understanding,” I told him. It’s true that, right after I got the nomination, I had promised Vlad that I would never, ever say anything critical about him or about Russia. That was about the time when Flynn, Manafort and Don Jr. were working to establish a back channel with Putin. You’d think it would have been easy for a big billionaire like me to talk privately with the Russian President, even to meet occasionally with him, but no, it’s damned hard. So we needed some way for me and Vlad to talk privately, in real time, something we really didn’t get until after I was sworn in and had access to the Hot Line.

It was actually Kislyak who was the go-between for Vlad and me in December, 2016, after I got elected. He was able to come up to New York and meet me at Trump Tower (we had to put women’s clothing, a wig and sunglasses on him and smuggle him in through the service entrance. I teased him that he looked like Mrs. Doubtfire!). He told me that President Putin was happy to have helped me get elected, and there was something that I could offer the President, in return, to show how grateful I was. I remember the conversation like it was yesterday.

“What would that be, Mister Ambassador?” I asked.

“Well, Mister President-Elect, President Putin would like for you to know that he has certain, shall we say, items in his possession that could prove embarrassing for you and your family.”

Honestly, Dear Diary, I had no idea what he was talking about. “What kinds of ‘items,’ Mister Ambassador? Perhaps you’d care to elaborate.”

“Well, Mister President-Elect, they consist of videotapes, taped recordings of phone calls, and electronic transmissions.”

“Concerning me?”

“Undoubtedly.”

My servant came in at that moment to pour us tea. Kislyak asked for lemon. When she had gone, I continued.

“Please inform me about the nature of these ‘items,’ Mister Ambassador.”

“Do you recall your visit to the Moscow Ritz-Carlton during the Miss Universe pageant in 2013?”

I had one of those uh-oh moments. Of course I remembered! What a night.

“I will avoid the sordid details, Mister President-Elect, but suffice it to say that what occurred in that Presidential Suite, between the hours of 11:15 p.m. and 1:00 a.m., was entirely recorded by secret cameras. And that includes the audio, which, I must tell you, is quite, shall we say, interesting.”

Kislyak let that sink in. Then I asked him, “All right. What else you got?”

“Well, Mister President-Elect, the Russian government possesses also many, many documents concerning your ties with our oligarchs, which would embarrass you if they were known, and your son-in-law, Jared’s, efforts to raise money, as well as promises made to us by your representatives that you would lift the sanctions against the Russian Federation, if elected, in exchange for…” And here, Kislyak stopped speaking.

“In exchange for what?”

“Mister President-Elect, I am authorized by the President of the Russian Federation to read you the following statement. ‘Dear Donald: I promise never to reveal the incriminating items against you, your family and associates, if you promise me to never, ever say or do anything critical of me or my government. This includes statements on Twitter, in press conferences and interviews, speeches, or any other public or private utterances.’ That, Mister President-Elect, is the sum and substance of what President Putin desires. It is little enough for him to ask, considering the, uhh, damage our items could cause you, were they to become known to the world.”

So that was our deal: we actually shook on it. And I stuck by the terms of the deal for more than a year—as Vladimir has to admit—even though I took a lot of heat for it, even from my own party.

But when Merkel, May and Macron (god, it sounds like a law firm!) told me they would publicly break with me if I didn’t get onboard with their efforts to punish Russia for the poisoning, I really had no choice. Coming on top of the Stormy Daniels case, all the firings of my White House staff, and the Mueller probe, a souring of diplomatic relations between the U.S. and our closest NATO allies would have caused my poll numbers to go down, even among the Breitbart crowd, not to mention me losing support in the Congress.

So I had to do it. Kelly threatened to quit if I didn’t. Fortunately, Vladimir understood. But here’s what I also told him.

“Vlad, don’t worry about it. We’ll expel them for now, for the time being, but you know that, before long, we’ll have them back here, or their replacements. One by one, under the radar, I guarantee you you’ll be up to full staffing by this summer. Oh, and feel free to expel as many of our diplomats as you want. I don’t care about them anyway. Look, Vlad, this is all symbolic stuff. It doesn’t do any real damage to our relationship. I’ll continue to have your back, if you continue to have mine. Okay?”

Putin chuckled. “Okay, Donald. But, like I said, this time, and this time only. No more criticism or anti-Russia acts. I mean it. Understand?”

“Yes, Vladimir,” I replied. “I understand. And I’d like to thank you, from the bottom of my heart.”

“Wonderful, Donald, Vlad said. “You remind me of my wolfhound, Oksana. She’s a good girl. I would pat you on the head if you were here, Donald.”

Well, Dear Diary, that’s Putin for you! Such a sincere man, so great, strong and spiritual. I love him! If only I had his power. And maybe I will…