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From the personal diary of PAUL D. RYAN



Dear Diary, Janna, my dear wife, is giving me hell for not coming out against Trump. Well, she’s a Democrat, which doesn’t mean I love her any less, but it does mean I don’t take her political advice seriously!

But I have to admit, it’s getting harder and harder to defend the guy. Like Janna points out to me all the time, he’s a really nasty piece of work. Sure, I see the womanizing, the lies, the bullying. I wouldn’t leave him alone with Liza, my beautiful daughter, for 5 seconds; he’d have his hands all over her. I wouldn’t trust him to walk my dog—he’s a dishonest guy, who has cheated his way out of every contract he’s ever signed. To tell you the truth, even my pastor at St. John Vianney has shared his views with me—very privately, of course—that Trump is probably going to Hell. So, yeah, I “get it” when it comes to the majority of Americans who dislike the President.

But what am I supposed to do? I mean, he supports my—I mean, our Republican agenda! He got tax cuts enacted. He’s in the process of demolishing the E.P.A., which should have been done a long time ago. He appointed Gorsuch, and he’s appointing conservative federal judges in record numbers. He’s building up the military and sacking the left-leaning State Department. He’s getting tough with our enemies, especially North Korea. Well, he’s not particularly tough with Russia, for some reason, but you can’t have everything. In general, Trump’s been a model conservative President, much more effective than George W. Bush ever was. So what if the guy’s a total asshole?

Oops, I promised Janna I’d put a dollar in the cookie jar every time I swear, so there goes another one! Anyhow, I’m torn. I really am. It’s hard to see any of my friends anymore, because they all know I’m making excuses about Trump. As for the media, when I see them coming, I head the other way. Am I a “moral coward,” as some say? Am I, too, going to burn in Hell because I lacked the courage to speak truth to power? Sometimes, when I’m shaving, I see my eyes staring back at me in the medicine cabinet mirror, and I just don’t know what to do. Those eyes…my eyes…they scare me, because they know what Trump’s doing to the Constitution. My own eyes are accusing me of letting my country down! God knows, I love my country, and I want to see her succeed. But if I came out against Trump, the Left and the media would have a field day; my life would be thrown into turmoil, and what’s worse, I might not even get re-elected in November!

Of course, as Janna reminds me, if I don’t get re-elected, I can always have my pick of lucrative jobs. I could just go to some corporation, think tank or law firm, get some cushy gig where I don’t have to work too hard, make millions of dollars a year, and finally give Janna the life she’s always dreamed of, but has had to sacrifice, in order to support my career. It would be nice to haul down, say, $50 grand a week.

But let’s face it, Dear Diary, there’s one thing I value more than money, and that’s power. I am the fucking Speaker of the United States House of Representatives (oops, sorry, another dollar in the cookie jar). I am literally two heartbeats away from the Presidency itself! That’s heady stuff, Dear Diary. Heady stuff, indeed.

So you can’t blame me for not saying anything. It’s a lot easier to go along to get along—to let Trump get away with his shit (another dollar!). I don’t think he’s doing any lasting harm to America. Is he? Who knows? I don’t have a crystal ball. Maybe he is, maybe he isn’t, but in the meantime, we’re turning this country so far to the Right, you won’t even recognize it in another year or two. That’s all we need, really. One more year or two, until the 2020 general election. By then, we’ll be able to get all the conservative legislation and appointments we’ve always wanted. We won’t need Trump anymore. Of course, there is one teeny weeny little danger: that by 2020, he’ll have grabbed total power, undone the Constitution and appointed himself President-for-Life.

But I don’t think that’ll happen. It’s too far-fetched. I mean, America isn’t China, for chrissake. (Another dollar.) Our leaders are limited to two terms in office. Ultimately, things are going to work out okay, even though right now, it looks pretty bleak. So I shouldn’t worry about Trump. Right, Dear Diary? Right…?

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