From the Personal Diary of Donald J. Trump
Dear Diary,
Somebody said I don’t care about those 17 dead people in the Florida school. Well, that’s #FakeNews! It’s not true! I do care. After all, with all those bodies piled up, it makes me look bad when I say we don’t need new gun control laws.
What does the liberal media want, anyhow? Now they’re complaining that I didn’t talk directly about this shooting. Well, I tweeted about it, didn’t I? I called it “terrible” and sent my “prayers and condolences” to the families. And then I gave a speech which I practiced in front of Ivanka, who told me to look as sad as I could. Which, by the way, I did. Isn’t that enough? Does the New York Times want me to open a wrist? I mean, come on. These things happen. It’s not my fault. It’s not the fault of my good friend, Wayne LaPierre. If it’s anybody’s fault, it’s the killer’s classmates and friends, who didn’t rat him out to the authorities. But, basically, it’s nobody’s fault. It just is, like the weather. Besides, there’s actually an upside, when you think about it: That school will have smaller class sizes.
Memo to self: We should send a team down to that school to register the surviving kids as Republicans. I’m told that they’re “traumatized,” so they’re open to suggestion. Now is the time for our people to tell them that the Republican Party would have prevented this awful tragedy, and that it’s the Democrats who aided and abetted it. Hillary and Obama made this happen, with their globalist elitism. And wasn’t that killer kid’s name “Cruz”? I bet he was undocumented. A big, beautiful wall on the southern border would have kept him out!
Look, there are much more important things for me to work on. We have to build that wall so that these rapist and criminal Mexicans can’t get into our great country. That’s the threat, not guns! People always freak out that the U.S. has so many gun deaths and mass shootings. Well, the answer to that (and I have to thank Wayne for pointing it out to me) is more guns, not less! Just think, if those students down in Florida all had automatic guns, they would have killed that dumbass Cruz before he could do any more shooting. Maybe even before he could shoot! They all knew he was a creepy perv. My dad always used to tell me, “Donny, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.” It’s still true.
By the way, it’s funny that the shooter’s last name is “Cruz.” Wonder if he’s related to Lyin’ Ted? I bet he is. Pompeo told me the kid was probably a lib-symp. That makes sense. Conservatives are peaceful. It’s the snowflake libtards that stir things up. Look at that awful Maxine Waters, with her fright wig. There’s a trouble-maker for you!
Diary, I know that the left is going to come down on me hard and demand tougher gun laws, like prohibiting people on the terrorist watch list from getting guns. But I’m not gonna knuckle under, as long as Wayne tells me not to. He gave me $21 million to get elected and, like the old saying goes, you have to dance with the one that brung you.
I had Wayne up to Bedminster a few months ago for a round of golf. I asked him, “Gun Boy (that’s what I call him), what would it take for the N.R.A. to change its hardline position on gun control?” Wayne said nothing would make him change his mind. I said, “What if instead of 40,000 murders a year there were 100,000?”
“Nope.”
“Half a million?”
“Nope.”
“A million? Two million?”
“Nope.”
“Ten million?”
“Mr. President,” Gun Boy said, “it would depend. Who are these ten million getting killed? Are they libtard snowflakes? Queers? Dark-skinned people? Jews? Illegal Mexican aliens? Abortion doctors? Environmental wackos? Terrorists? Athletes who take a knee? The Congressional Black Caucus? Frankly, sir, we could eliminate that type from America and we’d be better off.”
See what I mean, Dear Diary? Wayne is a smart guy. Of course, you can’t say stuff like that in public. But my supporters at Breitbart hear the dog whistles. They love me, they have guns, they’re mad as hell, and they vote! God bless America!
I say we give AR-15s to everyone, especially minorities, immigrants, and women. Then let’s see how fast the GOP and their NRA overlords want gun control. #Resist #Persist #NoOneNeedsAnAssaultRifle
Thank you Goddess for your comment. Vice President Pence has actually suggested giving tactical nuclear weapons to white children.