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Two southern white crackers talk about the tax bill

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Scene: We are inside a trailer belonging to “Hank,” in rural Mississippi. The interior is filthy, littered with old pizza boxes, empty beer cans, soiled clothes, overflowing ashtrays. Hank and his friend, “Jeff,” sit on wooden folding chairs at a flimsy card table. Both are overweight, with bad teeth. Hank wears a MAGA cap, Jeff a cap with a Confederate flag. Each slurps from a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon. On the radio, in the background, is Rush Limbaugh’s voice. The two friends are having a conversation.

Hank: Y’all see where Trump done got his tax cut passed?

Jeff: Amen, bro. Here’s to President Trump! [Raises his beer can in the air. Hank does the same and clinks his can to Jeff’s in a toast. The men sip.]

Hank: I sho’ am glad they cut that there cor’pit tax.

Jeff: Wassat?

Hank: You know, it’s the…the…dayum, hail if ah know. But if Trump fo’ it, ah am too!

Jeff: Right on, bro. [Another toast. On the radio, Rush Limbaugh can be heard talking about the tax bill.] Say, bro, what’s that Rush say? Somethin’ ‘bout a ‘persnal zempshun’?

Hank: Yeah, man, that’s the…y’know, the…well, Jeff mah man, it complicated stuff an’ ah caint ‘splain it to ya. But if Trump like it, then—

Jeff: Must be good! [another toast.]

Hank: Did y’all go to that anti-Obamacare meetin’ in Hattiesburg t’other day? Ya know, down at the ‘Merican Legion Hall?

Jeff: Wanted to, man, but hadda go to the clinic for mah di-uh-beeds meds.

Hank: You on the meds?

Jeff: Yeah, man, I signed up for that One Mississippi healthcare thang, y’ know, thuh exchange.

Hank: So did my mother-in-law. She get her heart treated down they-uh. Pretty good docs, she say.

Jeff: Lemme know next time they’s another meetin’ to repeal and replace Obamacare and get the goddam gummint outta our health care. Ah sho’ am glad that nigger’s gone and we got a real decent white man in the White House.

Hank: Don’t forget Melania. She a good white woman, humble an’ obey her man, not like that pushy ho, Michelle Blow-bama.

Jeff: Hey, y’see where the levee flooded old man Pinkley’s house?

Hank: Yeah, ain’t that sumthin’. His people been on that land ovah two hunnert years an’ that ain’t nevuh happened bee-fo. Wonder how that water got so high?

Jeff: Ah think it somethin’ Obama done. Jes like with the Buttahatchee River. Caint even fish that sucka no ‘mo, it so polluted.

Hank: Aks me, it them fuckin’ illegal Mescuns. Send ‘em all down to Gitmo.

Jeff: Too good for ‘em. [Rush Limbaugh is talking about North Korea.] Hell, man, Trump should just bomb the bejesus outta them gooks and make that country a parkin’ lot.

Hank: Yeah. Fuckin’ Obama gave that little slant-eyed freak nukes so he could impose sharia on America.

Jeff: Who?

Hank: That North Korean dude, whatssis name. He a Muslim terrorist. Dintcha know? Rush say so.

Jeff: Here to Rush! [Another toast.] He a good ole boy.

Hank: Rush say this whole Russia thang fake.

Jeff: Yeah, I heard President Trump say the same thang on Fox ‘n’ Friends.

Hank: This Miller guy, y’know, that speshul counsler, Rush say he a closet liberal.

Jeff: Probably queer, too. All those friggin’ Democrats are commie faggots.

Hank: They’ll never lay a finger on The Donald. He too smart. Got it all figgered out. Hey, man, pass them Doritos. [Cuts a fart.]

Jeff: What the hail, bro?

Hank: “He who smelt it, dealt it.”

Jeff: [Burps.] Anyhow, we need a guy like Trump, a bidness man. He know what he doin’. Anybody try ta mess with him, why, ah guess we just gonna hafta lock ‘n’ load.

Hank: [Pats his waistband, which has a bulge underneath.] Ah got ole Bessie right down here, plannin’ on usin’ her next time ah see one o’ them pansy ass librals. Ka-pow!

Jeff: Only thing to do with ‘em, bro. [Another toast.] Hey, looky what time t’is.

Hank: What time’s that, good buddy?

Jeff: Time fo’ Sean Hannity! Where yo remote?

Hank: Dayum, boy, friggin’ cable company done cut off mah TV. Didn’t pay mah bill since lass summa. Jews…

Jeff: How you getting’ the news?

Hank: Rush Limbaugh all I need, man. Too mucha that lame stream media on TV anyway. But ah miss Duck Dynasty.

Jeff: Y’all kin come over mah trailer ‘n watch. Hey, what say we go out an do a lil squirrel huntin’?

Hank: Cool, man. I’m hongry! We can pretend they’s Killary Clinton. Bang!

Jeff: Woo hoo!

Hank: Woot woot! [The two have a final toast, crush their empty beer cans on their foreheads, toss them on the floor, grab a couple rifles, and leave. The trailer door slams behind them. From outside, we hear rifle shots, laughter, shouts of “Make America Great Again!”]

SCENE

 

  1. Bob Rossi says:

    Great! Borowitz watch your back.

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