Trump and Putin: the secret tapes

[President Trump spoke by phone with Russian President Vladimir Putin on Saturday. Here is an unedited transcript of the final few minutes of that conversation.]

VP: So was there anything else you wanted to talk about, Donald?

DT: Yes, Vlad, there is. I, uh, you know—I wanted to ask you—

VP: Yes?

DT: Well, you know, it’s that, uh, dossier. You know, the pictures? The tape recordings?

VP: Yes, Donald? What about them?

DT: Well, I just wanted to make sure you, uh—you know, they won’t be, uh, you know, released…

VP: Now, Donald, we’ve talked about this before.

DT: Yes, I know Vlad, but I’m taking a lot of heat over here, and if the wrong people—say, my enemies at the New York Times ever got their hands on that stuff, it would be—how do you say “sayonara” in Russian?

VP: Proschay.

DT: Whatever. So you have to promise me—

VP: Look Donald, I don’t have to promise you anything. You know the deal. How this turns out is entirely in your hands. You’re in charge, Donald, not me.

DT: Well, I’m doing my best, Vlad. I’m trying to get the sanctions dropped. But frankly, my own Republicans are squeezing me. That damn McCain, and that fairy Graham. And don’t even get me started on the French, Brits and Germans. They’re holding fast on the Minsk agreement, Vlad. Theresa May told me she’ll never budge on that.

VP: Donald, are you a leader, or a loser? Seriously, you must learn how to lead, to bend people to your will. Like me. I am strong leader.

DT: Yes, you are, Vlad. Very strong. And I admire that. I really do. But I can’t just snap my fingers and get everybody to see you the way I do. I’m trying, but…

VP: Donald, I happen to have the photos in front of me right now. Right here on desk. There are six of them. Let me look at them, closely. You know, every time I see them, I see different things. For instance, on this one, where blonde girl is squatting over brunette, I never noticed that your pants are open, and you’re—

DT:  Uh, Vlad, I really don’t—

VP: And this one, where you’re down on your knees, beside toilet, and what’s that on your head? A maid’s cap?

DT: Vlad—

VP: And this one, where you’ve actually managed to squeeze into brunette’s lingerie. You know, Donald, you really should think about losing some weight. We have a diet here, the Crimean diet we call it, that’s low on carbs. Think how much it would add to your image if you could go without shirt and show off your six pack, Donald. Like me!

DT: Thank you, Vlad, I appreciate your concern. But back to the dossier…

VP: Oh, Donald, before I forget: Do you know what my security forces bring me this morning?

DT: Uh—

VP: More photos, Donald! Not of you, personally, but equally interesting, I must say.

DT: What are they of, Vlad? I’d love it if you could dig something up on Graham.

VP: It’s Melania, Donald. Your beauteous wife. From 10 years ago. Apparently they were taken in hotel room in Ljubljana. Quite compromising, Donald, quite risqué. What do you think I should do with new photos, Donald?

DT: I don’t know, Vlad.

VP: Look, Donald, I have to go. President Duterte is on the line. A fine President, don’t you think? One who knows how to run country. So, good bye, old friend Donald—Proschay! And do give my best to Melania.