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From the Personal Diary of Donald J. Trump



Jan. 3

Hi Dear Diary,

I really threw ‘em a curveball when I said I have information on the hacking that the intelligence agencies don’t.

I love it! They still can’t figure me out, which is exactly where I want ‘em: off-balance. Keep ‘em guessing. They never know what hits ‘em until it’s too late.

Sure, I know that the FBI, the CIA, Homeland Security and the Defense Intelligence Agency all have concluded that Putin personally ordered the hacks. But what the hell do they know? These are the people, after all, who brought us WMD in Iraq. #Losers! Who needs ‘em? Not me. Look, I have friends all over the world who know more than any U.S. spy. I am personal friends with the leaders of Singapore, Russia, Bahrain, Slovakia, Indonesia, Malaysia, Zaire, Dubai, Abu Dhabi, Kuala Lumpur, Congo—hell, all of ‘em have stayed at my resorts and played golf on my courses, and I’m building hotels there. Nice little countries, too. Well-run, and they don’t kill businesses with communistic regulations, like this one. You know, before I married Melania, I dated the daughter of the Prime Minister of Latvia. Svetlana was her name. Hot! Nice p***y! Kind of reminds me of Ivanka. You wouldn’t believe some of the stuff she told me. Pillow talk is better than spying. So I don’t need these so-called “intelligence services” to tell me what’s up!

Besides, what if Putin was behind the DNC and Podesta leaks? We should give him a medal, not sanctions! The American people needed that information, and God knows the Democrats weren’t gonna release it. Putin’s a good guy, he really is. He just wanted to help Americans know the truth about Crooked Hillary and the way that awful Wasserman-Schultz tried to kill off Bernie. What’s wrong with that?

So I told the mainstream media (hate ‘em, but you gotta string ‘em along) that I know things the intelligence agencies don’t because it could be somebody else hacking, not Putin. Well, who can argue with that? It could be some 300-pound guy in a La-Z-Boy in Paramus for all we know. A friend of mine (can’t tell you his name, Diary) told me he thinks the emails were released by the Democrats themselves in a huuuuge plot to bring me and Putin down! I wouldn’t put it past ‘em. They’re scared of me. After suffering the worst electoral college defeat in history, the Democrats are running around like chickens with their heads cut off.

Wait a minute, Diary. I’m getting a tweet from the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. They want to know if I want them to sing a Lawrence Welk song at the inauguration. I’ll tell them, Great! Welk was a true American. I’ll ask them for “Champagne Time.” Nice little ditty.

Uh, wait a minute again, Diary, Melania just came in to ask me if she’s showing too much cleavage for tonight’s party at Mar-a-Lago. I told her, “Darling, there’s no such thing as too much when it comes to cleavage.” And I believe that. Well, except for uggers. Good thing Hillary never showed cleavage because, after all, the American people don’t want to throw up. Can you believe her? Not attractive! Wonder where she gets it these days. Donna Brazile? Memo to Comey: find out. Certainly not from Bill, who—I’m reliably informed—has a patootie or two on the DL in Harlem.

So when I meet with these intelligence agency heads this week, here’s what I’m going to tell them. “Guys, starting Jan. 20, I’m your commander-in-chief. You take your orders from me, see? It’s time to move past the hacking, the election, the Cold War. We’re gonna make nice with Putin. I want you to share all your intelligence with Russian intelligence because, after all, we’re in this together in the War on Islamic Terrorism. What’s that, Brennan? You wanna know if the Russians will share their intel with us? They will with me! Vlad’s got me on speed-dial. I’ll let you know if there’s anything you need to know. Meanwhile, get the hell outta here! Scram. I’ll let you know when I wanna see you again.”

Gee, Diary, it’s gonna be fun being POTUS!

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